The Same but Different?

Addiction
Dependence
Attachment

Remain the same?
Replace one
For another
Choose any

Drugs
Alcohol
People
Gambling
Sex
Food
Adrenaline

Escape
Die

Can an addict

Change?

Addiction

Dependence

Attachment

Remain the same?

Replace all others

For One

Choose God

Honesty

Willingness

Open-mindedness

Recovery

Unity

Service

Peace

Reality

Live

Rock Bottom

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Can you ever know the pain

Of a alcoholic man?

The torture that’s sustained?

No you never can

Unless you are another

Who has traveled down his path

And faced a demon’s brother

Alcohol’s full wrath

Drinks may come and go

Memories are left behind

Stuffed behind the door

In dark corners of your mind

Horrors pierce your thoughts

Blinding you with grief

Madness is being fought

And in drinking there’s no relief.

 

Written by Marie July 2004

Swim with me

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I have been extremely busy lately.  I went camping last week with my husband and children.  We had a wonderful time making many fun memories.  We swam, played miniature golf, swam, tie-dyed shirts, swam, and did I mention we swam?  What is it about swimming that kids love so much?  Mine spent hours in the pool day after day, swimming and splashing, laughing and loving life.  I am reminded of the blue fish named Dory from the movie, Finding Nemo, who sang, “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.”  It has been so hot here with the temperatures in the high 90s and heat indices of well over 100 degrees that I had to get OUT of the pool to cool off because the water was so warm.  Imagine taking a warm bath in 100 degree weather!

This weekend my daughter participated in a musical recital.  She made a fairly large mistake in the middle of her performance and was quite upset about it afterwards.  We praised her for keeping her composure and finishing her piece despite the lengthy error.  We told her that it took much more courage and strength to keep going after making a mistake than if she would have performed perfectly.  She seemed to understand this idea and I hope she gained a new sense of confidence in her character as a person as opposed to her abilities as a musician.  I think the former will serve her better in life in the long run.

As usual, God parents me via the lessons I try to teach my children.  As I wrote the above paragraph, I heard God saying, “Yes, Marie, instead of beating yourself up every time you make a mistake just keep going.”  The shame, embarrassment, and self-hatred I used to feel after making a mistake would immobilize me like kryptonite would Superman.  Of course these feelings came directly from my most glaring character defect:  PRIDE (in the forms of perfectionism and fear of what others might think of me.)

Thanks to working the Steps of the program, particularly Steps 6 and 7, my pride, which used to be the size of a great white shark with the same ability to attack and kill, is--on most days--more like the size of a dolphin and likewise, can be tamed but is still a wild animal in its purest sense.  Some day I hope my pride is the size of a tiny goldfish swimming humbly in a bowl of God's love, His Grace surrounding me always, breathing the peace and serenity of His presence in and out, in and out... Ahhh...

Until then, I suppose I will “just keep swimming, just keep swimming.”  I hope that you keep swimming, too.

Dory: Hey there, Mr. Grumpy Gills. When life gets you down do you wanna know what you've gotta do?
Marlin: No I don't wanna know.
Dory: [singing] Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim, swim.

Quote courtesy of The Internet Movie Database

Sunday 160 entitled "Never Give Up Hope" - Happy Father's Day

The 7 yr old girl wonders why daddy is so mad and mean. 30 yrs later she feels peace while in his garden with him. Alcoholism is our disease; 12-steps, our solution.

Want to try a Sunday 160? Visit the Monkey Man for "Da Rules"

I happened to find the pic above here along with the following poem, which I thought was eerily applicable to the topic of my Sunday 160 today.  There are no coincidences, right?

He bought an old Man's memory
for a beer at a young man's bar.
It was a hope for his daughter's wedding day-
A day that would never come.
He wanted her in white, a porcelain china doll.
He wanted her groom to be a church going man, a man like he never was.
He wanted her husband to be a tender father, understanding and loving,
A man who could raise a family, a man who would stay.
He went on his last Sunday, to a church he knew when he was young.
He knelt in the confessional, and told all there was to hear.
He said ten Hail Mary's, that he read off a cigarette box.
He lit a crooked candle, and burned his hope away.
He bought two quarts of rum, and drown his memory away.

Friday Flash 55 entitled "Rabbit's Big Win"

He lays on his side and sleeps.
A furry, honey-colored body pillow,
Long, soft, and warm with
Rapid diaphragmatic breathing.
His hind leg begins to twitch --slowly,
A little faster,
He’s off
Full speed ahead!
A defeated whimper escapes like a air bubble popping at the water‘s surface.
You’ll get that rabbit next time, Boy!

Friday Flash 55 is hosted by G-Man

Sunday 160 entitled "Angel Games"

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If thunder is the angels bowling, lightning is their fireworks and rain tears from laughing so hard. Imagine them on their trampoline clouds and rainbow slides!

Want to try a Sunday 160? Visit the Monkey Man for "Da Rules"

Food for Thought

If I were to tell you about bananas, assuming you have never tasted, touched, saw or smelled one, I may say the following:

Bananas are a type of fruit.  They are yellow and long with a smooth peel on the outside and an edible soft, mushy content on the inside. Bananas taste sweet and they smell like, well, bananas! I may go on to tell you about the history of bananas, where they’re grown, the nutrients they contain, the physical composition of a banana and so on.

However, if I told you where to get a banana for yourself and you took the action to go get one (i.e., work to make money to drive to the store to buy a banana) and then you held, examined, peeled, tasted, and smelled the banana, you would know more about the full nature of bananas than by what I could ever describe to you using words alone. In other words, personal experience far supersedes knowledge alone.

I think this is true with anything in life.  For example, I sat in meetings week after week and year after year and listened to others describe their experience with the 12 Steps of the program and never fully understood what they were talking about until I experienced working through them myself.  Thank God for those who taught me where to go and how to attain this experience.  But, like the banana analogy, I had to get off of my butt and take the action to get it.

Another great example for me is experiencing the presence of God.  No matter how hard I tried to understand what this may feel like, I never knew until I actually felt it myself.  And then to describe it to others seems just as futile as when others tried to explain their experience with God to me.  And unlike bananas, I can only experience parts of God's nature secondary to the confinements of space, time and my human limitations.

The Steps have helped to remove or lessen some of these limitations, which has helped me experience the presence of God more fully.  However, I know that only after all my limitations are removed and I have "graduated" from this life into the next, will I fully experience all aspects of God's nature.

Friday Flash 55 entitled "Truth"

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TRUTH isn’t found in word, action, or thought.

It cannot be stolen, borrowed or bought.

TRUTH cannot be seen, heard, or tasted.

It cannot be used, saved, or wasted.

TRUTH cannot be given or sold.

It cannot be understood or told.

TRUTH cannot be assembled or tore apart.

It is simply EXPERIENCED in the heart.

Friday Flass 55 is hosted by G-Man

The Addict In Me

Well, I have had enough fun with the new Blogger Template Designer - FOR THE LAST 2 and a half HOURS (while watching 3 shows with my husband - so not a total waste!)  Creativity is addicting.  So is research, writing, reading, scrapbooking and organizing and ...well, let's just leave it at the obvious fact that I definitely have one of THOSE personalities!  I love me, anyway!

Celebrating an Average Day

I am having an average day, which is a good thing for me.  Not to be in the tar pit of depression nor the electric charge of hypomania is nice for a change.  For today I am level, even.  I haven't been able to say that in over two years!

The symptoms of mental illness have been indescribably difficult for me to experience on a daily basis for most of my life.  I know the current reprieve is temporary and that is ok.  Thanks to the "one day at a time" slogan of the program, I am better able to stay in the moment and enjoy the gifts of the present.  Thanks to the 12 Steps, I have a relationship with God that has brought me through the worst major depressive episode I have experienced yet.  And when this medication stops working after a while (like the others), I have faith that God will bring me through the pain once again.

As always, at least I didn't have to drink over it and that, my friends, is a miracle!

Sunday 160 entitled "Hope"

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As gruesome as oil spilling into the sea is he who betrayed one for silver ten times three.

It seems,

from horrific means,

humanity gleans

the Creator’s dreams.

Want to try a Sunday 160?  Visit the Monkey Man for "Da Rules"

Friday Flash 55

Not usually felt
In the tactile sense
But today that little bugger’s
Bite made me wince.

A smack on it’s head
Is what I provided
But not before
In my blood it delighted.

“Damn, mosquito!” I thought
With a scowl on my brow.
So, I sprayed on the deet
Then yelled, “Come get me now!”

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Friday Flash 55 hosted by G-Man

Reality Check

My meditation reading yesterday talked about reality. The author, Karen Casey, writes:

Reality is not our bane but our gift. The particular reality perceived by any one of us is of special significance because in that reality are our lessons --the very lessons that will awaken us to the awareness that what life offers is just what we deserve, and more.

For most of my life I have been in denial of my own reality.  I have a “perceptual disease” meaning that my perception of reality is often misconstrued by my fears, insecurities, and ego.  In the past, my beliefs--based on false realities--often lead to resentments, irritability and discontent, which lead me to either use alcohol to escape the pain of these false realities or into the depths of depression and despair or both.   The program says, “our troubles are of our own making.”  How true this is for me!


A friend of mine once told me that when an interaction occurs between two people there are three sides to the story:

1. the first side is what one person says happened
2. the second side is what the other person says happened
3. and the third side is what really happened!

The 12 Steps also help me weed out self-centered thinking from reality and give me the actions to deal with reality no matter how difficult it is. 

I am so thankful for this program! I finally have a way to deal with life that won’t kill me in the end!