My week has been good, bad, and hectic. It has been good because fundamentally, life is good. My kids have been off school since Tuesday for the Thanksgiving holiday, which is good because we have been able to spend quality time as a family together…bad because they are kids and therefore, get on my nerves after awhile!
I caught an upper respiratory infection on Wednesday, which was bad. I am finally starting to feel well again, which is good. I missed my home group meeting this week because my daughter got sick, which was bad. I chaired a closed women’s meeting at a treatment facility this week. That was good.
I have chaired or spoke at this meeting several times over the last few years. Since Thanksgiving was this week, I was surprised at how many inpatients were there. I left there feeling very grateful…grateful because I got to leave and spend the holiday with my family instead of staying there under lock and key…and grateful because I went there to share a solution while they were there due to living in the problem.
I spent Thanksgiving Day visiting extended family members, which is sometimes very stressful, sometimes a little stressful, and always hectic. On a scale of 0-10 with 10 being extremely stressful and 0 being stress-free, I rate Thursday’s visit as a 4...not too bad!
Yesterday’s activities consisted of an early morning follow-up visit with the doctor, taking care of the kids while hubby worked all day, then dinner and movie that night with the kiddos, which was hectic. Today we visited family again (Yikes, twice in one week!) It was another 4 on the stress scale - not bad!
I am looking forward to getting back into our routine next week, which means things will not be as hectic…hopefully. I am ready to sloooooowwww down.
This Thanksgiving week, I am most grateful for the fact that whether my days were good, bad, or hectic mattered little to my level of serenity. The only variable that truly affects my serenity is my conscious contact with my Higher Power.
Thankfully, I took several moments each day to rest in the peace and stillness of His presence. It is the most beautiful place I have ever been. I pray for this for you and that I am able to continue to experience the power of Step 11 all the days of my life.
Thank you for reading and for sharing your experience, strength, and hope with me!
Life has been life this past week and God has blessed me enough to be able to live it on life's terms. Nothing earth-shattering (at least in my sick mind) has been transpiring. I have been doing the day to day stuff of being a child of God, mother of two, wife of one, and friend to many. I could complain...like how my husband is slacking off on helping me around the house and my kids' bickering drives me crazy...but I guess I won't. I will instead make a gratitude list and then leave you with a beautiful video of a presentation of the Prayer of St. Francis. (It is short...so take a look :)
I am grateful for:
God's grace, love, and mercy
family
friends
pup
home
emotional security found in making conscious contact with God, my Higher Power
For the last week my days have been “normal” - whatever that means, right? For me, normal means that I have been free of any mental, emotional, and physical pain. How glorious! Praise God!
The wind is at my back right now and I am so grateful. I have filled my days with writing, spending time with family, and taking care of day-to-day responsibilities for myself and others with much gratitude and enthusiasm.
I started a new medication about two weeks ago that seems to be making a huge difference for me. It is as if a switch has been flipped in my brain and my biorhythms are working properly again. My appetite is normal. I am tired at a normal time of night again (at 10 or 11pm instead of 2am.) I fall asleep each night without a prescription sleep aid, which I have not done in over three years! I wake in the morning feeling rested and I am fully awake within minutes of getting out of bed instead of hours. My Higher Power has truly relieved me of serious maladies over which I am powerless.
I am powerless over alcohol and my mental, emotional, and physical illnesses. He removed from me the obsession to drink over six years ago. However, being sober did not solve the rest of my problems, namely ME.
I always believed that God could take away my other maladies as He did the alcohol obsession but I had doubts that He would because I did not believe that He loved me enough to do so…therein laid my agnosticism.
I was forced to examine Step 2 very closely this past month, to dig deeper than ever before into what I actually believe. I thought that believing He could was enough. I was wrong.
The Big Book says, “God is everything or He is nothing.” I was picking and choosing what my God was and was not; what He would and would not do for me. Therefore, He was not “everything” which sadly for me (although I did not realize it at the time) meant He was “nothing.”
The pain I experienced a few weeks ago made me admit to myself that I am not a bad person, that I do not deserve to suffer in such a way and that He does not want me to suffer either. Unfortunately, for an alcoholic like me, the only way I admit to something like this is to be in more pain than I can endure. (Just like the pain I had to go through before I admitted my powerlessness over alcohol as in Step 1.)
Furthermore, He revealed to me through this experience that I had to surrender to my self-hate (apparently a bigger character defect I had than I realized) and be willing to love myself enough to allow Him to remove the pain from me, for which I humbly begged Him during those weeks. (Steps 6 and 7)
Coming to believe that God would restore me to sanity as opposed to that He could made all the difference. Step 3 was then very easy to work as God instantly became everything rather than nothing.
p.s. I do not think it a coincidence that several months ago I started praying specifically for God to show me how to love others more deeply. I believe I first had to come to love myself because I “can’t give away that which I do not have” as they say.
Moreover, I know that I now “can’t keep it unless I give it away,” which is fine by me. I want nothing more than to be able to give it away….to love more deeply. It is what I asked for…it is His will.
Before my recovery in a 12 Step Program, I used to pray like Janis did in this song. I am glad that I do not pray like this anymore. I have hope that my life will end differently than hers. I do love her spirit, though. I am having a glorious day and I hope you are, too!
I have felt physically and mentally well for the past two days - Praise God! Have you ever had a sore throat or a stomachache and in the midst of it you forgot what it felt like not to have one? This is how I felt during my migraine episodes, which increased my gratitude for feeling well these past two days ten-fold.
I went for a walk and enjoyed the higher than normal temperatures today. I did yoga for the first time in months today, which felt wonderful. My muscles, especially in my neck and shoulders, were so tight from tensing up in pain for so long last week.
I felt so good after stretching and meditating that when the song below came on the radio I could not stop myself from dancing. I imagine I looked rather silly based on the expression on my dog’s face but luckily, no one else was home to witness my silliness.
I also did laundry, cooked dinner for my family, and spent quality time with my kids today. Oh yeah, and one more thing…by the grace of God and working a 12 Step program, I stayed sober today as well, which made all of the other things I did possible.
I am so grateful to read the comments from fellow migraine sufferers. Thank you. Your words make me feel less alone. The good news is my doctor has discontinued the medicine that didn't allow me to take any Alleve, which is the only thing I have found to work on my migraines. My blood pressure has been high, but we (meaning my doctors and me) are not sure if this is due to the pain of the migraines or if the high blood pressure has been causing the migraines. In other words, which comes first... So, now that the migraines are back under control I get to start monitoring my blood pressure for the next few weeks to see if it runs high on a regular basis (even when I am feeling well.) More footwork...
One of the greatest things the 12 Step program teaches me is that I am not going to get what I need without doing a little footwork first. I spoke with two different women this week (both in the program) in the midst of my excruciating pain and cried,
"What am I supposed to do? I keep praying and praying to God to help me accept this or to take it away, whatever His will may be."
They both responded by reminding me that I have to take action (in addition to prayer) in order for God's will to be carried out. The action I needed to take was to call my doctors immediately and tell them what I was going through and insist that something be done rather than suffer until my next scheduled appointment.
I am learning little by little to take care of myself in ways I never had to before all of these physical and mental ailments developed. I am starting to love myself enough to say,
"Hey! It is not ok for me to be this sick. I want to get better. I want to be well. I want to be - dare I say it - happy!"
My whole life I have been so critical of myself that deep down I thought I didn't deserve to be happy. I thought I was such a horrible person that I probably should suffer. I was damaged goods...the child of two alcoholics, an alcoholic myself with mental disorders, a failure as a mom and wife, friend, and daughter.
In reality, I am not any of those things. I am just one of God's kids, who was raised by a couple of God's other kids who made mistakes. I am just one of God's kids, who is raising a couple more of His kids, and making mistakes of my own (although, thanks to the program, I am making fewer mistakes than my parents did, which is progress...I will not reach perfection in this life.)
Making mistakes doesn't mean I am a failure but rather a human being. Being human doesn't mean I am a bad person but rather a flawed person. Unfortunately, being flawed means I will experience physical, mental, emotional and spiritual pain and maladies. Only when my soul is freed from the physical confinements of my body and mind via death of said body and mind at God's discretion, will I be totally free of the pain and suffering of this world.
In the meantime, I plan to continue to work the 12 Steps of the program because I have found this to be the only path to experiencing little pieces of peace and freedom for which my soul so greatly longs. There are countless paths out there but for many alcoholics like me, the 12 Step path is the only one that works (if we work it!)
Today I am working it by:
getting on my knees and praying the 3rd and 7th Step prayers and the Serenity Prayer
sharing the message through this blog post
sharing the message at my homegroup meeting tonight
serving as my group's treasurer tonight
meditating to improve my conscious contact with God as I understand Him
being as honest, open minded, and willing as I can be
I wanted to write a quick post while I can. This morning is the first time in the last three days I have been migraine-free. I cannot put into words the pure hell and torture I have endured this week. I have never experienced physical pain of this intensity except for during labor contractions, which only lasted a few minutes at a time. The pain from these migraines lasted continuously for eight to twelve hours at a time.
I am so afraid of it coming back. All I can do is the footwork: pray, call my doctors and follow their advice and take care of myself by eating well, getting proper rest, and try to eliminate as much stress as possible from my life.
I am so grateful for having friends and family, who are willing to help me, doctors who care about me, and a Higher Power, who loves me. His will be done, not mine... (surely, it is not His will for me to be in so much pain...but what do I know?)
