Compassion, Abuse, Love, Anger, and Gratitude - all in a sober day's work...

Life is going...juggling the girls' school work and extracurricular activity schedules keeps us busy most days.  Time alone is greatly enjoyed while they are off growing their brains.  My littlest one is in Kindergarten and today she was kicked by a boy who was angry about something unrelated to her.  She just happened to be sitting next to him during circle time and caught the brunt of his physical outburst.  At least once a week, she tells us about how he gets mad and kick books and desks, and requires disciplinary action quite often.  Thankfully, the school called me after my daughter got home to make sure that I knew what had happened in case she mentioned it, which she already had.

When my oldest was in first grade a few years ago, she was instructed by the teacher to hand out papers to the students who were sitting quietly at their desk first and then to the rest.  The boy who always got into trouble in her class was being rambunctious as usual that day and therefore, got his paper last.  Angrily he looked at my daughter and said, "I am going to kill you."  The really scary part is we live in one of the best school districts in the state; in a middle to upper class community and my girls attend one of the most sought out schools where teachers want to work. 

The school administrators and teachers are extremely responsive and supportive to the needs of children as well as the parents.  I am very grateful.  But, I am also saddened that kids so young are so verbally and physically abusive.  I wonder what happens to them at home.  What are they being allowed to watch on television?  Or worse, what is being done to them for them to act in such violent ways at such a young age?  And what was done to their parents for them to be teaching or modeling such behavior for their children? 

While I have empathy for these young boys and their obvious emotional troubles, the buck stops with the adults who are responsible for them.  I know they are probably doing the best with what they have as my parents did in the midst of their alcoholism but as an adult child of alcoholics I can choose a solution other than the one my parents chose during my childhood.  I can break the cycle of active alcoholism in my family, for the sake of my marriage and my children (and myself.)  However, I cannot do it alone. 

Through the power of God, which I can best access by working the 12 steps with others and continuing to share my experience, strength and hope as well as listen and learn from the experience, strength and hope of others, I can break the chains of alcoholism that bind, not only the alcoholic but the entire family, in prison cells of despair, loneliness, anger, and fear. 

Thanks to the grace of God I didn't drink today and was therefore, able to be a comforting and loving and fully present mother to my beautiful baby girl when she really needed her mommy's protective and unending devotion the most.  How precious and priceless the gifts of sobriety are!  My heart is overflowing with gratitude and humility for God and for his love for me, for my family, for all of us.

Blogging about Recovery

Blogging about recovery is a funny thing.  I have found that although my thoughts reach a mere few of the millions out there, I am disappointed in the low level of interaction among those in recovery in the blogosphere.  I am not specifically referring to my own blog, but the many that I have visited over the past six months.  Business blogs, writing blogs, political blogs, news blogs, fashion blogs and many more all display a huge amount of active networking and sharing of ideas, opinions, and resources compared to recovery blogs.  Why is that?  Is it easier for people to share and converse about superficial and less taboo subjects than about the pain and vulnerability of admitting and sharing about their weaknesses, faults, and struggles in life?  I suspect so. 

If anyone needed support and encouragement, whether in the "real" world or the online world, it is especially those struggling with the affects of alcoholism, mental illness, and the like.  Where is that support?  Why isn't it available in a thorough and consistent way like it is in other facets of life?  Is it too hard for people to devote their mental and physical energy to such topics as spirituality and character development other than during Sunday church services?  Is it "not fun" to look at ourselves, share ourselves (our "real" selves) with others in a spirit of love and service without excepting anything in return?  Is it that other topics, such as news and fashion, affect the masses while addiction, illness, and recovery affect only a small minority of the people out there?

These are just some things I have been thinking about the last few days.  I would love to hear what your thoughts are on this topic, that is, if you care enough to share.

"Not my will but thine be done"

"Tomorrow morning," the surgeon began, "I'll open up your heart..."


"You'll find Jesus there," the boy interrupted..


The surgeon looked up, annoyed. "I'll cut your heart open," he continued, "to see how much damage has been done..."


"But when you open up my heart, you'll find Jesus in there," said the boy.


The surgeon looked to the parents, who sat quietly. "When I see how much damage has been done, I'll sew your heart and chest back up, and I'll plan what to do next."


"But you'll find Jesus in my heart. The Bible says He lives there. The hymns all say He lives there. You'll find Him in my heart."
 
The surgeon had had enough. "I'll tell you what I'll find in your heart.  I'll find damaged muscle, low blood supply, and weakened vessels.  And I'll find out if I can make you well."


"You'll find Jesus there, too. He lives there."


The surgeon left.




The surgeon sat in his office, recording his notes from the surgery, "....damaged aorta, damaged pulmonary vein, widespread muscle degeneration.  No hope for transplant, no hope for cure. Therapy:  painkillers and bed rest.  Prognosis:"  here he paused, "death within one year."


He stopped the recorder, but there was more to be said. "Why?" he asked aloud.  "Why did You do this?  You've put him here; You've put him in this pain; and You've cursed him to an early death. Why?"


The Lord answered and said, "The boy, my lamb, was not meant for your flock for long, for he is a part of My flock, and will forever be.  Here, in My flock, he will feel no pain and will be comforted as you cannot imagine.  His parents will one day join him here and they will know peace, and My flock will continue to grow.."


The surgeon's tears were hot, but his anger was hotter. "You created that boy and You created that heart.  He'll be dead in months. Why?"


The Lord answered, "The boy, My lamb, shall return to My flock, for He has done his duty.  I did not put My lamb with your flock to lose him, but to retrieve another lost lamb."


The surgeon, the lost lamb, wept...


The surgeon sat beside the boy's bed.  The boy's parents sat across from him. The boy awoke and whispered, "Did you cut open my heart?"


"Yes," said the surgeon.


"What did you find?" asked the boy.

"I found Jesus there," said the surgeon.


Author
Unknown - Celebrate Jesus in 2010

I asked for it!

"Be careful what you pray for..." 

I have been asking God to show me how to truly love others; without conditions, without expectations, and to give of myself in service out of love alone.  I had the opportunity twice in the last three days to be of service in a true spirit of love.  My motives were good.  It felt wonderful.  I was so excited until...

One of my little acts of service did not go as planned.  I started a task to help my darling husband out and when I didn't have what I needed to finish I blamed him for it and had the audacity to then say if he would have done it himself in the first place this never would have happened.  My sick mind thought, "This is what I get for trying to be nice."  OMG!  Talk about a major backfire!

I was never more ashamed and disgusted with my behavior as I was after this happened.  But guess what?  I didn't drink over it.  Instead I used the Steps of the program to admit my powerlessness over my craziness, asked God to restore my sanity, turned my will over to him once again, completed an inventory of the situation (but skipped over step 5 and didn't talk with anyone about it before making amends, which came back to bite me.)  However faltering, I did make amends to my husband (Steps 8 and 9.) 

God revealed to me just how very ugly and angry I can be, which I am grateful for because it has brought me to a level of humility and surrender to be entirely ready to have these defects of character removed (Step 6.) (What I am not grateful for is the pain it caused my husband.  However, I do not know God's plan for him and maybe God will use this to help him grow, if he is willing.  But, that is none of my business.) In Step 7, I will humbly ask God to remove these shortcomings and if it is his will, I have hope that he will indeed show me how to truly love others. 

I wish it didn't have to been done this way but for this alcoholic, it does:  God has to show me my character defect at its worst so that I can work the Steps to ready myself for its removal.  I am guessing only after its removal will he then show me how to truly love because how can true love of others co-exist with the kind of anger I had in me yesterday?  I don't think it can. 

I have heard it said many times that we can't grow without first experiencing pain; we can't learn without first making mistakes.  These statements have been true in my life and this week was another great lesson.  What I am learning is that no matter how horrible I can act, God still loves me, which means I should still love me.  If I can do that, then no matter how horrible other people act, I can still love them.  And therein lies the meaning of the true love I asked God for in the first place, which is why I wrote (tongue-in-cheek) at the beginning of this post:

"Be careful what you pray for..."  because you just might get it --  Thank God!

Sunday Gifts

Today we went to church.  My daughter sings in the children's choir and it is always a joy to see her be of service to God while doing something she loves so much.  She passed up an opportunity to join the choir at school but practically runs to church to sing.  I think that is so cool.  The affect singing in the choir at church has on her is nothing short of spiritual.  She gushes afterwards and can't explain what it does for her.  All she can say is she "just loves it!" 

This afternoon, I cleaned up the garage while my awesome husband watched football all day and night AND did ALL of the laundry.  Whooo-hooo!  This may seem like a great compromise but I can tell ya that, secretly, I think I came out way ahead on that deal!

I got to meet two newcomers at a meeting tonight.  One appeared pretty well-put-together on the outside.  The second one looked scared out of her mind.  When I was new I looked more like the second girl. 

I remember being in one of my first meetings and some guy saying to me that he was as scared as I looked when he was new, too.  And then he went on to share his experience, strength, and hope and I listened.  He identified with me first, which made it easier for me to identify with him.  And honestly, even though I only saw him that one time and couldn't tell you what he looked like, his words are still the only ones I remember from my first 30 days of meetings. 

I think God healed my spirit a bit that day.  And he did it through one soul identifying with another soul.  It is almost as if in that exchange of identification a bit of healing occurs instantaneously.

Now, after some time and good "training" in the program, I know to focus on the things I can identify with during meetings because in this process of identification I allow myself to be open enough to let God reach me and heal me through others.  In turn, I avail myself to be used by God to bring healing to others through continued identification. 

If I don't find some way to identify with others it's like I've closed one of two doors between their spirit and mine through which God travels to connect us in his healing love.  (The second door is the other person's to open or close.) 

For me, willingness, open-mindedness, honesty, humility, and love are all door stoppers which keep my door open.  Each time I lose one of these door stoppers, my door closes just a little bit more.  Sometimes I lose them all and that is very painful.  Thankfully, in working the 12 Steps with my sponsor, her and I can usually figure out which stoppers I am missing and get them back into place so that the grace of God can flow in and out of me like a cool breeze on a hot day.

"Baaawk!  We aren't anything alike.  Look at you, cleaning your blue feathers first.  Everyone knows you should clean the yellow ones before the blue ones! "

God's Love

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A good friend of the family got married this weekend.  It was a beautiful ceremony celebrated at an old Catholic church - the kind with cathedral ceilings, detailed stained glass windows, creaky old wooden pews, and a three-tiered altar adorned with beautiful reminders of those who walked on this Earth a long time ago.

I cried when the couple professed their love for each other and made their vows.  I always do even if I don't know the bride and groom that well.  I physically feel the love flowing between them and God himself so profoundly during these few minutes that I am overcome with emotion.  God's love, present in that church today, left me awestruck and filled with a gratitude that overflowed like the tears which fell from my eyes. 

I have felt these emotions during meetings, as well.  I usually always feel them after talking with my sponsor or working a step with another alcoholic.  I think, like during weddings, it is because God's love is so strongly present during these interactions.  It's as if it freely flows from one soul to another to another until we are all connected literally by His love. 

Last week I was speaking with a newer lady after a meeting and she said it surprised her when she wanted to give a woman she had just met in a meeting a big hug after hearing her share.  She said, "I don't even know this woman and I am not one to hug strangers!"  I think it is probable that God's healing love in the rooms of the meetings connects our spirits without our minds necessarily comprehending what is happening at first. 

God's love is such a gift and a surprise gift at times!  Thank you, God, for all of your gifts.  But most of all for your love. 

1 Corinthians 13

Recovery and Nature - Elephants

Have you ever heard the phrase, "Elephants never forget?"  Have you ever heard someone say at a meeting, "I have to keep coming back because I forget that I am alcoholic" or "how bad it was?"  I have heard both, thus, the inspiration for this post.  Let me first tell you a little bit about what I learned about elephants and their memory.


Elephants remember each other.  One of the stories I came across describes two elephants becoming very animated and excited upon meeting one another for what was thought to be for the very first time. 

 "There was this euphoria," sanctuary founder Buckley says. "Shirley started bellowing, and then Jenny did, too. Both trunks were checking out each other's scars. I've never experienced anything that intense without it being aggression."

Curious about this unusual interaction, Buckley did some research and discovered that these two elephants' paths did cross - twenty three years ago when they both performed in a circus together for just a few months!


Not only do elephants remember other living animals, including humans, they also remember events. 

The scientists from the Wildlife Conservation Society (WCS) in New York City reported in Biology Letters that pachyderm groups with matriarchs, ages 38 and 45, left the parched park, apparently in search of water and grub, but the ones with a younger matriarch, age 33, stayed put.

Sixteen of 81 calves born in the park that year died in a nine-month period, a 20 percent mortality rate, much higher than the typical 2 percent; 10 of the dead were from the group that remained in the park, where feed and water were scarce.

Researchers concluded that the older elephants recalled a drought in the park that lasted from 1958 to 1961, and how their packs survived the slim pickings by migrating to lusher areas a distance away. None of the elephants that stayed behind were old enough to remember the previous dry spell.

Isn't that amazing?  I think so.  So, how does this all relate to recovery?

Well, like Shirley and Jenny (the two elephants that hadn't seen one another in 23 years) checked out each others' scars from the abuse they endured in the circus, do we not recognize the scars of alcoholism in others - emotional, mental, and spiritual and sometimes physical.  Is it not such a relief to find out that we are not the only ones who feel the way we do or the only ones who did what we did; that others have the same kind of scars we do?

In fact, I wonder if Shirley wasn't simply reacting as we do when a newcomer enters a meeting for the first time - excited that our friend found her way to the "sanctuary" of AA and out from under the three-ring circus of active alcoholism.

Unless I continue to go to meetings, read the literature, the Big Book, the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions book and then listen to others share their experience, strength, and hope as it relates to the information or story we read, my disease will tell me that I am different; that maybe I am not an alcoholic; that maybe I have enough knowledge about myself and alcoholism at this point to successfully stay sober and well on my own.  Unlike elephants, I will forget that I am an alcoholic no different from any other alcoholic out there.  I will forget that knowledge alone will not keep me sober.  I will forget that I cannot stay sober on my own.

Furthermore, I need to learn from the older "matriarchs" where to find "lusher areas" in my spiritual life via working the 12 Steps.  If I do not keep going to meetings and being reminded by those who "remember the drought" or how it was being out there drinking, unlike the older elephants, I will forget and stay where I am.  If I stay where I am, a dry spell will come (ever heard of a "dry drunk?") and I will be like those young elephants in the park where food and water were scarce and I will die. 

Be like an elephant - NEVER FORGET that alcoholism is "cunning, baffling, and powerful.  Without help it is too much (AA Big Book.)" 

Thank you for helping me stay sober tonight.

Link to elephant photo and information

Recovery and Nature - Ants

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Ants are gross.  I don't want them in or around my house.  (I am not a big fan of insects in general.)  But, I know that ants work together for the good of the whole colony, which is why I thought of them in relation to 12 step recovery programs.  I did a little research on ants and found out that they are the best example of a "superorganism," meaning there is a division of labor where individuals are not able to survive by themselves for extended periods of time.  I do not think that I would be able to survive without the 12 steps for very long. 


The way in which superoraganisms, like ant colonies, need the individuals for the group to survive and vice versus reminds me of many of the 12 Traditions.  Tradition One states "Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon (the program's) unity."  Tradition Four states "Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or (the program) as a whole."  Tradition Seven states "Every...group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions."  Tradition Eight states "(The program) should remain forever non-professional, but our service centers may employ special workers."  Tradition Twelve states "Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities."  (all italics are mine.)

Furthermore, "ant societies have division of labour, communication between individuals, and an ability to solve complex problems."  For example, when a forager ant finds a food source for the colony "it leaves a trail marking the shortest route on its return. Successful trails are followed by more ants, reinforcing better routes and gradually finding the best path."  (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ants) 

For any of you in the programs, does this sound a bit like sponsorship to you?  Didn't the founders, after finding a spiritual source in a Higher Power, leave a "successful trail" for others to follow via the 12 Steps?  I feel like they did and I am so grateful!

Recovery and Nature - Birds

Below is something I wrote in my journal one day while sitting by a pond on a sunny, breezy day watching the birds. 

They fly together to make the task easier for one another. A bird in flight lets the wind push it back but never stops flapping its wings. Rather than fight against the wind, the bird stays calm and lets the wind suspend it in mid-air - all the while, flapping, waiting, tolerant of that which it cannot control - but still flapping and doing it’s part.

I have the wind in my face more than at my back.  Stress, family, my own thinking, fears, and physical pain are the winds that push me back.  Life, like the wind, changes.  At times, life is easier like the wind at my back, pushing me forward through my days with comfort and ease.  Then it whips around and blows me backwards some.  Then, there is no wind at all for awhile.  Life, like the wind, is something I cannot control.


But, these birds -- they seem to know a thing or two!  They continue to flap their wings no matter what the wind is doing.  I have learned in my recovery programs how to continue to work the 12 Steps or flap my wings, so to speak, no matter which way the wind blows. 

Do not give up when the wind is in your face and things are tough.  Do not become complacent when the wind is absent and things are calm.  Do not become arrogant when the wind is at your back and things are really good!  Keep working the Steps.  Keep flapping your wings and soar into recovery!

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Recovery and Nature - Dogs

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Dogs are simple creatures.  I look at my Golden Retriever and he wags his tail.  I walk through the door and he wags his tail and brings me one of his toys.  I go outside and he follows me.  I come inside and he follows me.  I go to bed and his does, too, on the floor next to my bed.  He depends on me for all of his basic needs -- to feed and groom him; to let him outside to you know what; and to love him.  Love?  A basic need?  You bet!

I grew up in an alcoholic home where my basic needs of food, clothing, shelter, and an education were met and for that I thank God.  I started out better than many.  Love on the other hand was touch and go secondary to my parents' disease of alcoholism.  I think it sounds cliche to say that "they did the best they could with what they had."  But, it is true.

In my daily meditation reading this morning in the Al-Anon book, Hope for Today, the author talked about dogs and why they bark.  She or he suspects that a dog barks because because he is afraid.  My dog only barks when someone knocks on the door (unlike the neighbors dogs who seem to bark at the air! :)  Is he  fearful, being protective of our family, or both?

When I "bark" at others, it is usually because I am in fear or protecting someone I love.  I yelled at my daughter when she ran towards the street last night because I feared she may get hit by a car and I wanted to protect her.  I have been known to yell at my husband for leaving his dirty clothes on the floor for fear that I may have to do more work around the house and I want to protect my free time.  Now, the former example is responsible parenting while the latter is laziness. 

Although, I am not suggesting that all of us women should pick up after our significant others.  I believe there is a difference between not doing for others what they can do for themselves and just being selfish.  I yelled at him because my motive was selfish.  If my motive would have been to merely set a boundary, I would have discussed it in a way for which later I didn't have to make an amends to him. 

But, I digress.  You can see how my alcoholic thinking goes from simple to complicated in just one paragraph!  LOL.  Back to the dog...

IF I pay attention, my dog shows me how to be humbly devoted, dependent, loving, and forgiving.  He doesn't hold grudges nor complain about his life.  My most favorite quality about my dog is that he loves unconditionally.  Who ever said being in the dog house was a bad thing must not have had a program.  Being in the dog house teaches me humility and dependence on God.  If only I could consistently forgive and love others unconditionally and be as grateful and as devoted to God as my dog is to me...

But, under no uncertain terms, will I pee outside ever again (couldn't have said that if I was still drinking!  smiles ;)

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"Keep It Simple"

(I was planning on writing about this slogan and was pleased to see that Brian M. said it was one of his favorites, too!)

This slogan has been really important for me for the last year.  My illness demands that I keep my days simple or else I suffer from migraines, fatigue, irritability, and depression.  Unfortunately, the demands of motherhood and sponsorship don't always allow me to keep it simple.  The last two days have been an example of that, which is why I didn't post anything yesterday. 

Even with God's strength and practicing the 12 Steps in all of my affairs, my physical and mental limitations still control my life.  I am powerless.

I don't think God interferes with the natural order of things.  Therefore, I am no longer angry with him for not relieving me of these limitations.  Instead, I accept them and have learned to be grateful for them since they ultimately bring me to my knees and back to the one who has all power -- God.

I thank God for the pain and suffering I experience due to my illnesses (alcoholism included.)  For it is in this suffering that I am learning the true meaning of humility.  And in the state of humility is where I find peace and serenity. 

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Thank you to the following bloggers for submitting some of their favorite recovery slogans:

Just For Today, HOW (Honesty, Open minded, Willingness), and HALT (don't get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired)  from  Izzy @ Conversing

Keep Coming Back from  dAAve @ higer powered

ACE (Accept, Change, or Eliminate) from BRB at Notes from the BRB Queen

Let Go and Let God from steve at STEVERONI'S BLOG

F.A.I.T.H. (Finally Allowing It To Happen) from Jeremy at Half measures avail us nothing

How Important Is It?  from Syd at I'm Just F.I.N.E. -- Recovery in Al-Anon

Keep It Simple from Brian M. at The Three Legged Stool

"Live and Let Live"

I really learned how to "live and let live" from others in recovery and for this  I am so grateful.  They taught me how to stay out of other people's business, which has help me grow spiritually and become closer to God.

When I am not practicing this slogan then I am wasting time trying to play god in other people's lives instead of spending time improving the relationship I have with my God.  Maybe that is why we only have 24 hours in a day.  It forces us to choose between trying to run other people's lives OR running to God.  Because God knows I do not have the time to do both!


For me, this slogan means that my only concern should be about what I am doing and NOT what you are doing.  This slogan is an antidote for several character defects of mine, including but not limited to:

• worrying about other people's behaviors
• getting angry at others because of their behaviors
• judging people's behaviors
• giving unsolicited advice to others about their behaviors
• trying to manipulate or control the behavior of others
• loving conditionally, rather than UNconditionally

I also find that when I am able to live and let live life gets simpler, less stressful, and a lot more humorous.

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"Easy Does It"

This recovery slogan is probably one of the hardest ones for me to do.  I suffer from that all too often character defect of perfectionism, which really just means my ego is too big for my britches!  Who's perfect?  I know that I am not, but when I make a mistake I am so hard on myself you would think that I expect myself to be.  Why do I want to be perfect?  That's easy - because making mistakes causes me pain and I hate pain!  That is where "easy does it" helps me in my program.  When I make mistakes, if I can remember, "Easy Does It," then guess what?  The pain is minimized or maybe even not there at all.  Yes, I am a creator of my own chaos!  Taking it easy on myself when I mess up helps me stay connected to the Creator of serenity, God.

How do you take it easy?

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"Let Go and Let God"

This is my all time favorite recovery slogan.  In it I can experience peace in a sober life that has lead me to severe depression and anxiety in the past.  For me these five little words can mean the different between insanity and serenity.

Someone close to me in the program gave me a "God Box."  I write my character defects, situations, people, and anything else that I have no control over and that I don't want to worry about on little pieces of paper and put them in my God box.  This simple action helps me to Let Go and Let God. 

The blue stones in my God box were also given to me by the same woman who gave me the box. They represent God's miracles. I have a separate dish that I put a blue miracle stone into every time a miracle happens. This simple action helps me to acknowledge God as the giver of all miracles and to thank him for all of his blessings in my life.

The whole 12 Step program is basically a program of simple actions.

What is your favorite recovery slogan?

How we feel vs. what we know - One Day at a Time

Sometimes I hear just what I need to hear not during a meeting but before or after a meeting.  Before my last homegroup meeting, a man I know walked in and sat next to me.  I said, "Hi, ______.  How's it going?"  He said, "Good."  (pause)  "I guess."  I said, "You guess?"  He said, "Well, I know everything is how it's supposed to be."  He smiled and looked straight into my eyes when he said that and I nodded and smiled back.  We both knew that we completely understood each other.

The program has taught us that what is going on in our life and how we feel about it is not what is most important. What is important is that we believe God is in charge, which means "everything is how it's supposed to be." 

I don't know the details of what is going on in this man's life but I know he's ok.  And I know I am ok because I am like him.  Life can be good, bad, or indifferent.  Doesn't matter.  If I trust in God, clean house, and help others "one day at a time," I believe life is always how it is supposed to be at any given moment.  We are all ok.

A Week of Virtues - Day 6 - Love

Love is the emotion of strong affection and personal attachment.[1] In philosophical context, love is a virtue representing all of human kindness, compassion, and affection. In religious context, love is not just a virtue, but the basis for all being ("God is love"[2]), and the foundation for all divine law (Golden Rule). (wikipedia citation.)

Love is a virtue that I know little about. Love of self (different than self-centeredness, which I have plenty of), love of others, and love of God are experiences I have only just begun. I read poetry and other writings describing the experiences others have with love in their life and I have a hard time relating at a core-deep level. I asked God to help me experience this type of love and I believe his answer was that I first must experience it in my relationship with him and with myself before my soul can connect with another's in a deep experience of love. I have faith that if I continue to enlarge my spiritual life, I will come to love God, myself, and others in a way I have never known. For this I am so hopeful and grateful.

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Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. (1 Cor. 13:4–7, 13 NIV)

A Week of Virtues - Day 5 - Acceptance

Acceptance:  acknowledging reality exactly as it is without attempting to change it to fit our needs or desires

"Accepting does not necessarily mean 'liking,' 'enjoying,' or 'condoning.' I can accept what is—and be determined to evolve from there. It is not acceptance but denial that leaves me stuck."   ~ Nathaniel Branden, American psychologist

I find that when coming to accept something, what I am really doing is grieving the loss of some false belief of mine.  Acceptance is the fifth stage of grieving.  I find that I must go through the first four stages before I reach acceptance of a situation, person, or truth in my life.  I will use alcoholism as an example.

*  My false belief is that I am a normal drinker.

Stage 1 - Denial
I'm not an alcoholic.  I don't have a problem.  I'm fine.  There's nothing abnormal about me.

Stage 2 - Anger
Why me?  I don't deserve this!  I am pissed off that I am an alcoholic!  It's not fair!

Stage 3 - Bargaining
Please, God, let me be able to drink like a normal person.  I'll do anything if you just fix me so I can drink and be ok.

Stage 4 - Depression
Poor me!  I am an alcoholic.  My life is ruined.  I'll never have any fun again.  Why do these things always happen to me?  I am a terrible person.

Stage 5 - Acceptance
I am an alcoholic and that is ok.  I have a disease.  I can admit that I have it, not be angry about it, not feel sorry for myself about it, but can realize the reality of it and live my life accordingly. 

More on my story of acceptance can be found here.

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.  ~  Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous 

 
Acceptance is the path to serenity for me.  Practicing acceptance doesn't mean that I have to accept "unacceptable behavior," such as any type of abuse from others.  While I can't change them, I can remove myself from them and their destructive behaviors.  In this way I am accepting the reality of the way they are (i.e., abusive, unhealthy, etc.) and choosing not to be a part of it.  In practicing acceptance, I must always keep in mind what I can and cannot change, which is why the Serenity Prayer is so powerful in my recovery today.
 
 

Serenity Prayer

 

God, grant me the serenity to

accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

 

 

A Week of Virtues - Day 4 - Faith

Faith Definition:  Complete confidence in a person, plan, or set of beliefs, etc.

"Faith is daring the soul to go beyond what the eyes can see."   ~  William Newton Clark

Before entering recovery, I would have told you that I had faith but what I really had was a belief in God.  Others in recovery suggested that I look up words as I studied and practiced recovery principles even if I thought I knew what they meant because quite often I don't.  Faith is a belief in the trustworthiness or having confidence in someone or something.  Belief is merely an opinion or conviction that something is true or factual.  So, while I believed that God was real, I did not have faith or trust in him.

Before the program, my faith was in the "God of Reason," as the Big Book of AA states.  I often find that my faith still gets stuck in my intellect when I become obsessed with understanding my diseases of alcoholism and depression in an attempt to manage them. When knowledge is my higher power, God is not and then my insanity begins.

Step 3, which asks me to" make a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand him," invites me to give up my attempts to control life.  But, I won't make this decision if I don't first "come to believe in a power greater than myself who can restore me to sanity (i.e., Step 2)."  This Step is hard for me because, while I believe that God can restore me to sanity, I don't always have the faith or confidence that he will.  Why wouldn't he?  I don't know.  Why don't I have faith that he will?  Well, this probably calls for some Step 4 work, but my first guess is because I don't think I deserve to be sane let alone happy.  Anyone, ever feel that way? 

Another barrier to turning my will over to God is believing that I have power over my diseases, events and people in my life, etc.  When this is the case, I am back at Step 1 - "admitting I am powerless over alcohol (or fill in the blank) and that my life has become unmanageable."

Power, belief, faith...I have no power, I believe in God, and I have been given a "faith that works" (a faith in God versus a faith in intellect, reason, knowledge, or my own power.)  My only job is to make the decision to use it.  Simple, but not easy.   

"Faith is a bird that feels dawn breaking and sings while it is still dark."  ~  Rabindranath Tagoret

photo credit

A Week of Virtues - Day 3 - Humility

*Humility–noun
the quality or condition of being humble; modest opinion or estimate of one's own importance, rank, etc

*Humility definition from a Bible Dictionary
a prominent Christian grace (Rom. 12:3; 15:17, 18; 1 Cor. 3:5-7; 2 Cor. 3:5; Phil. 4:11-13). It is a state of mind well pleasing to God (1 Pet. 3:4); it preserves the soul in tranquillity (Ps. 69:32, 33), and makes us patient under trials (Job 1:22). Christ has set us an example of humility (Phil. 2:6-8). We should be led thereto by a remembrance of our sins (Lam. 3:39), and by the thought that it is the way to honour (Prov. 16:18), and that the greatest promises are made to the humble (Ps. 147:6; Isa. 57:15; 66:2; 1 Pet. 5:5). It is a "great paradox in Christianity that it makes humility the avenue to glory."
*http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/humility


For me humility means:

• accepting the reality of my powerlessness over most everything in my life, including my alcoholism, other people's alcoholism, and others' actions, attitudes, and basically all people, places, and things (including the technical difficulties that kept me from posting this until late tonight! :)

• giving credit for all that is good and positive in my life and inside of me to the one who has all power, whom I call God

Thanks to the God, whom I found through working 12 Step programs, the following statements (also referenced above from the Bible Dictionary) are absolute truths that I have personally experienced:

~  humility preserves my soul in tranquillity (Ps. 69:32, 33)

~  humility makes me patient under trials (Job 1:22)

Above photo is a flower from the Mimosa pudica, a.k.a. the Humble Plant.  This plant is a creeping annual or perennial herb often grown for its curiosity value: the compound leaves fold inward and droop when touched or shaken, re-opening minutes later.  See video below.

photo credit

After watching the way the Humble Plant responds to touch in the above video, I reflected a bit on the way I respond when God touches my life.  Do I stand firm and refuse to yield to His will for me?  Or, like this interesting plant, do I allow myself to bend to the hand of God knowing that He knows what is best for me and my life?  Honestly, I do both.  Even more honestly, I do the former much more frequently than the latter. 

How do I know which one I am doing?  When I am resisting God's will for me I am mostly like going to find myself in emotional and mental discomfort, pain, anguish, and eventually, in insanity.  When I humbly accept and act in line with God's will, I experience a peace like no other.  Simple but not easy...