What is your motivation for blogging about your recovery journey?
My motivation for blogging is simply to share my experience, strength and hope with those who still suffer, as I am called to do in Step 12.
What are your thoughts regarding the anonymity of yourself and others both online and off?
In my experience, many of the non-online recovery meetings I attend -- you know, the ones I actually have to get into my car, drive to, and see people face to face at -- have incorporated the following into their meeting format announcements on anonymity: "do not disclose what you hear here or who you see here without that person's expressed consent."
For example, even something as basic as me asking my sponsor who she saw at a meeting would result in this response from her: "you should have gone if you wanted to know." She's right.
I think it is never my place to disclose information about other people by any means (Internet, telephone conversation, email, etc.) in a way that will identify them to others who know them (even something as simple as their attendance at a particular meeting.)
Some bloggers write about the people they sponsor or people in their meetings (and even the details of what these people share in the meetings) and I literally cringe. I try never to do this. I try only to talk about me ("try" being the key word here.)
On the other hand, maybe people have given these bloggers their permission to discuss their life on the blog.
For me, blogging is no different than being in an open recovery meeting where anyone is invited to attend. In both cases, my goals are the same:
- to share my experience, strength, and hope with others and
- to try not to talk about other people and their stories
However, my anonymity is greater protected online than at an open meeting because one, people know who I am at the meetings I frequent and two, if they don't know me they can obviously see what I look like. Neither is possible online because I do not use my real name nor do I post any pictures of myself or anyone I know.
Do you protect your anonymity online and if so, how?
In addition to not using my full name nor posting any photos of myself or those whom I know, I also have not told anyone who knows me in "real life" about this blog (including my program friends, my sponsor, the women I sponsor, non-program friends, family members -with one exception - etc.)
They all know that I do a lot of recovery reading online. They also know that I write a lot but do not know that one of the mediums I use when writing is a blog platform. My husband knows about my blog, he is the only one.
I also do not report specific details about meeting topics, days, times, and what I specifically said in a meeting or to another person. I never know who might stumble across my blog and think, "Wow, (insert my real name) just said the exact same thing in a meeting last thursday that had the exact same topic. Oh wow, this girl said these things in a meeting last thursday, too..."
Maybe I am being paranoid but I haven't yet figured out how to conveniently block my IP address every time I comment on another blog. I know that many stat counters track times and locations of visitors and so do the blog platforms when visitors leave comments.
Therefore, it would not take much effort for someone to figure out a person's geographical location. Although, maybe a lot of people don't know this and in that case, I am going to regret pointing it out! :)
What do the 12 step programs say about online anonymity and how do you apply it to your Internet activities?
The literature of several 12 step programs states and I quote: "At this altitude (press, radio, films, and television), anonymity -100% anonymity - was the only possible answer. Here, principles would have to come before personalities, without exception."
It also says, "The promoter instinct in us might be our undoing. If even one ["self-appointed members presenting themselves as messiahs representing (the program) before the whole public"] publicly got drunk, or was lured into using (the program's) name for his own purposes, the damage might be irreparable." This is where more is being revealed to me.
"...self-appointed members presenting themselves as messiahs representing (the program) before the whole public..."
First of all, after my blog was up and going for several months, I all of the sudden got a weird feeling about identifying myself as a member of any particular 12 step program because it felt like my "promoter instinct" was kicking in...even though I had a disclaimer statement on my blog's homepage saying that I was in no way representing any 12 step program or any other organization as a whole, that my blog was simply my opinions, etc, etc,.
Nonetheless, I went back through almost 100 posts and changed any reference to any program name to the generic words, "recovery program" or "a 12 step program" because there are many different kinds of recovery and 12 step programs, not just the ones I am in. (I am still in the process of changing these references so if you come across one or notice that I slip one in by accident please let me know.)
Now, I realize that it would not take much effort for someone to figure out which programs I am in based on what addictions I talk about on this blog but I am doing the best I can to not "promote" those programs by name.
"...was lured into using (the program's) name for his own purposes..."
Next, if my purpose for blogging becomes anything more than being available in a spirit of loving service to my fellows, then I know I should stop. This is why I do not have ads on my blog, for example.
"...publicly got drunk..."
Finally, "even if one publicly got drunk...the damage might be irreparable." Could this happen online? I guess if I wrote a blog post blog post while drunk and told everyone, "hey! I'm drunk!" hmmmm....
Any thoughts on this one?
12 step program statements specific to anonymity online
One of the 12 step program's statements on anonymity and internet websites clearly says that "as long as full names and photos are not used, the principles of anonymity are being upheld."
Here is another great reference:
GENERAL SOCIAL NETWORKING WEB SITES
MySpace, Facebook and other social networking Web sites are public in nature. Though users create accounts and utilize usernames and passwords, once on the site, it is a public medium where members and non-members mingle. As long as individuals do not identify themselves as members, there is no conflict of interest. However, someone using their full name and/or a likeness, such as a full-face photograph, would be contrary to the spirit of the Eleventh Tradition, which states in the Long Form that, “…our [last] names and pictures as members ought not be broadcast, filmed or publicly printed.” Experience suggests that it is in keeping with the Eleventh Tradition not to disclose membership on social networking sites as well as on any other Web site, blog, electronic bulletin board, etc., that is not composed solely of members, is not password protected or is accessible to the public.
I visited my family this week, which more often than not increases my anxiety. Honestly, I feel a bit (sometimes a lot) crazy afterwards even when all I do is silently witness the dysfunction and not necessarily take part in it. Although, maybe witnessing it is a part. Sooooo...
Should I stop going to nieces' and nephews' birthday parties, spending the holidays with them, thereby denying my children the fun they experience in seeing their grandparents and playing with their cousins? That answer doesn't feel right.
Sometimes my husband takes the kids out to eat and I do not feel like going whether it be because I am tired, don't want to sit in traffic or deal with the crowds and waits or like this week, I didn't want to go out in the freezing cold weather. I suggested we order in but they wanted to go out. I used to suck it up and go with them thinking that it was the "right thing" to do...telling myself that I was not a very great mother or wife to choose not to go out to eat with my family.
Now days, I rarely go if I truly do not want to go. For the most part, they are alright with this. I know they would rather me go with them but they understand that if I give more of myself in terms of time and energy than I physically, mentally, and emotionally can for too long or too often, I will become irritated, over-fatigued, anxious, and depressed.
God has revealed these limitations to me over the past 2-3 years and unfortunately, they have been extremely debilitating. I am finding however, that the more I accept myself and my limitations and love myself despite my limitations, the more I am able to actually do, be, and give in ways that are - I now believe to be - God's will.
I wonder if what I referred to as "debilitating" - meaning that I could no longer do what I had been doing for so many years - would be better stated as, I just was not doing what God wanted me to do (even though the things I was doing weren't inherently unhealthy.)
I think God's plan for me just changed and I fought it tooth and nail. Change is hard for me, it always has been...it is completely fear-based.
In my experience, whenever I am not in line with God's will, I am usually anxious and/or angry. And whenever I am in line with God's will, I am at peace. Someone sitting around the tables once visually demonstrated how she feels while not in line with God's will by tensing up and holding on to the edge of the table with a death grip. She went on to say that when she is in line with God's will it feels like, "Ahhh" and let out a big relaxing sigh, relaxed her shoulders, closed her eyes and smiled. I feel that way, too.
Fighting, denying, being angry about who I am, how I am made, what is good for me and not good for me in terms of my spiritual state, must have taken so much energy from me! Now that I am (on most days) no longer fighting, denying, and being angry with who I am, I feel myself healing and getting better but, as I stated above, not in a way that allows me to go back to doing the activities I thought I should be doing like working, volunteering time I don't have, socializing needlessly with acquaintances, and signing the kids up in too many activities.
Rather, I find myself being able to be a more patient and loving mom, a mom that has the time and energy to sit down and get eye-to-eye with her children and really listen to them, a mom that can say, "Sure, you can have a sleepover with your friends at our house" and really mean it and not freak out once I have a couple of eight year old girls giggling until two o'clock in the morning.
I also find myself being a more fun-loving wife and an equal partner in my marriage instead of being either a total control freak or a helpless victim unable to even get out of bed in the morning.
What would usually happen is I would go, go, go because I felt guilty about not being able to contribute financially to our household and then I would crash and not be able to do anything around the house or with the kids for days or weeks at a time. This would compound my guilt and once I was back on my feet, the whole cycle would start all over again.
Why is it that alcoholics in particular tend to have a difficult time finding the middle ground on most things? (a rhetorical question, but feel free to share any of your personal experiences regarding this thought.)
Thanks for reading and I wish you a happy, joyous, and well-balanced week!
I never get tired of reading this excerpt from a talk given by Clancy I.
from Venice, CA. I hope that you enjoy it as much as I do.
The Invisible Boat
The curse of alcoholism is that eventually reality gets bad enough so you have to drink and the curse of drinking is that eventually it gets bad enough that you have to get sober. That combination is called alcoholism. It doesn’t make any difference if you’re the man who put the flag on the moon or if you’re the man who came out from under the bridge, if you’ve got it there’s no way out because you cannot make sustained reality. Because every time alcohol works for you, it interferes with your ability to live in reality. It distorts perception, and that is why it’s such a difficult thing to treat.
There’s been a great deal of controversy over the years about treatment centers. Old-timers who got sober years ago are not very pleased with the treatment center concept. “We got sober and, by God, we stayed sober.” And they did. It’s just difficult.
And, for my first 15 years, I hardly wanted to talk to people who came out of treatment centers. I thought they were jerks. As I’ve gotten a little more sophisticated, I’ve come to realize there’s a difference. There are good treatment centers and bad treatment centers. But it’s hard to tell which are which, and your life depends on deciding which is which. You think, “Why would anyone want to go to a treatment center anyway?”
The best analogy I’ve been able to think of is it’s like going up to Lake Superior, say Ashland, and say I want to go to Canada. And there’s a nice little yacht sitting there with attendants in their white uniforms, and you smell dinner cooking, and they say, “Won’t you come with us on the S.S. Treatment Center?” And you say, “Maybe.”
And over here are two guys lurking in the underbrush along the shore, saying. “We’re from A.A. You want to come with us in our invisible boat?” Nobody in their right mind is going to get in an invisible boat if they can get on the treatment center boat, I’ll tell you.
So you get on there and you’re glad. It’s comfortable, it’s nice, it’s warm, and they feed you and it’s good. And the only problem is you’re just about in sight of the shore and they say, “Well, this is where we turn back. Gotta go back and get another load.’ “What am I gonna do?” you ask. “Well, just swim like hell.”
And you’re out there swimming and crying, and here come those two goofs in their invisible boat. “You want a ride, buddy?” “I’m not that sick.” And pretty soon you’re drowning and here they come again. “You want a ride, buddy?” Choking and sputtering, you say “yeah.” You get in and as soon as you dry off, you realize “This is stupid. There’s no boat here. We’re floating in midair. This is goofy.” “What am I supposed to do, you guys?” “Grab an oar and row.” “You’re crazy. You’re crazy.” And right then, anybody with sense says “Adios, pal.”
And finally you’re drowning one more time. “You want to get in our boat?” Choking and sputtering again, you say “yeah” and get back in. “What do you want me to do?” “Grab an oar and row.” “Oh, you silly idiots!”
And the irony of A.A. is that as you begin to row, the boat appears. But it doesn’t appear until you begin to row. And you’ve got to be desperate to row an invisible boat. That’s what sponsors are for. They come along from time to time and say, “Hey, goof, you’ve got your oar upside down.” As you row the boat appears. If you keep rowing long enough, you get a very fine craft. Pretty soon it exceeds the S.S. Treatment Center. Pretty soon it gets to be as big and as nice as you want to make it. And the only sad thing is no matter how long it takes, when you start to rest on your oar and don’t row, it begins to disappear again. And if you wait long enough on rowing, you’re back in the water.
That is why people with 25 or 30 or 50 years of sobriety get drunk. Because they’ve got where they want to be and there’s no sense in rowing anymore. “I’m there.” And that’s the function of A.A., to encourage and re-encourage one another to re-commit ourselves to keep rowing no matter how well I’m doing, to just keep rowing. And that’s what the boat is about.
The function of A.A. and its Steps and its sponsors and these actions and involvement is not to make you wonderful. They’re to do something infinitely more complex. They are to upgrade your perception of reality. You’ve got to look at the same things and over a period of time see them differently or they get so depressing you can’t handle it. And you’ve got to keep going and you’ve got to keep trying this.
And, unfortunately for you and me, no matter how you work the program, you will never rise above a basic human being. And human beings are weak and fallible and cross and emotional. No matter how spiritual you get.
And the difference between the “good” treatment center and the “bad” one is simply this: The bad treatment center leads its patients into believing that they are now well enough to swim for the far shore on their own or, in other words, to leave treatment with enough knowledge to insure sobriety on a long term basis. The “good” treatment center may perform the same functions within treatment perhaps but emphatically tells it’s departing patients, “You are dry, clean, fed and sober. But you’ll never be able to make the far shore on your own.”
So when you see those two guys in their invisible boat, jump in and start to row, whether you believe in it or not. You’ll be glad you did.
Clancy I., Venice, CA
Reprinted from http://www.oc-aa.org/lifeline/July08Web.pdf
photo credit
The past week has been productive and joyful. I have been working on some projects, Christmas shopping, and reading. We put up the Christmas tree and decor around the house. My five-year-old daughter came home from school the day my husband strung the colorful lights along the outside of our home and exclaimed, “The Christmas lights are up…this is the best day of my life!”
She reminded me that the little things in life make it great. The big things make it wonderful, too. My wedding day and the days my children were born were some of the best days of my life. However, the excitement of those days fade as time goes by and those memories do not sustain my joy for life indefinitely. I must find joy in living every day, one day at a time, in order to be able to claim that life is good.
The most effective way for me to find joy in everyday living is by working the 12 Steps. Following the suggestions outlined in these steps brings my will in line with God’s will without fail. The steps pave a path that leads me to the two reasons for which I believe that I exist:
1. To attain and maintain conscious contact with God
2. To be of service to others
I find joy during the process of achieving these two purposes. Where do you find joy these days? Is it a fleeting joy or one that permeates each day of your life?
