quoteflections: Gratitude is not for Wimps

quoteflections: Gratitude is not for Wimps: "A team of psychologists is researching the science of gratitude and collecting evidence that it enhances one's quality of life. 'Far from ..."

Ok, all you program people - you have got to read this.  My only comment is that I am glad the medical field is finally catching up with what us drunks learned a long time ago.  Geesh!  Just another thing to be grateful for, right? ;)



Here are some highlights from Paul C.'s (blog author over at quoteflections) post:

"Far from being a warm, fuzzy sentiment, gratitude is morally and intellectually demanding, it requires contemplation, reflection and discipline. It can be hard and painful work." ~ Professor Robert Emmons, one of the study's researchers.

Damn right it's hard and painful work!!! (<-----that comment is mine.)


Additionally, Paul C. writes:

"In (Emmon's) book he discusses 10 strategies to cultivate gratitude which include keeping journals, remembering the bad, learning prayers, appreciating one's senses, going through the right motions which will lead to positive emotions."


This just gave me a chuckle - in a good way - as well as made me grateful that people, both in the rooms of recovery and in the normal world, continue to spread the message about the benefits of an "attitude of gratitude."


One last thing...I just recently found Paul's blog and I thoroughly enjoy it.  quoteflections is "a regular eclectic mind fix," as stated in its subtitle. 

Thanks, Paul.  I am grateful for you and your blog!

Sobriety and Life Tie the Knot

Sober living is hard, enjoyable, stressful, serene, tough, and simple.  How can it be so many opposing things?  It can for me because it is life, a mysterious experience of co-existing joy and sorrow, suffering and relief, pain and serenity.  It is real, it is now, and it is unpredictable.

I am going on seven consecutive weeks of family illnesses, snow days, holidays, birthdays, and crises - all the usual life events - with no end yet in sight.  I want to run away via the bottle, the car, or in my really low spots, death. 

Thank goodness God has other plans for me. Otherwise, I would be writing this drunk, from a deserted island, or not at all.

I have a lot to complain about…many things I don’t like but as my sponsor says, I “don’t have to like it.”  I also have a lot to be grateful for…many things that I do like…and when I focus on those aspects of my life I have a real chance at conforming to God’s will - staying sober, living with my family, and remaining alive.

How do I keep my focus on the positives?  I have only one answer:

by working the 12 steps:

1. Admitting my powerlessness
2. Believing God will restore me to sanity
3. Trusting in His will
4. Completing a thorough self-appraisal
5. Calling my sponsor/telling her everything
6. Being willing for God to improve my character
7. Asking Him to improve my character
8. Making a list of those whom I have harmed
9. Making amends when appropriate
10. Performing repeated self-appraisals
11. Praying and meditating
12. Practicing these principles in all areas of my life and carrying the message to other alcoholics through service work (going to meetings to share and listen, sponsoring other women, writing these blog posts, etc.)

A long time ago, life handed me a rope and sometimes I swing joyfully from it like a child and sometimes I am tempted to noose it and hang myself.  Right now, I am tying a knot in the end of it and hanging on…while God and those who love me stand underneath with open arms, waiting to catch me if I fall. 

What more could I ask for?

Responsibilities in Sobriety - Grumblings versus Gratitude

Responsibilities                                         Grumblings                Gratitude

1.  taking care of sick children
non-stop for the last two weeks:               -I am tired                -God strengthens me 
                                                                       -I miss quietness         -I'm not hungover


2.  leaving early to get coffee cups
for my home group meeting                          -I am tired                   -they trust me w/$
                                                                           -I don't do my         
                                                                            own shopping         -they trust me w/$


3.  taking a friend to a meeting weekly     -why doesn't she       
                                                                      ever offer to drive?   -I have a car and can
                                                                                                                  afford gasoline
                                                                                                                -I have friends


4.  taking care of the kids alone while
husband works sooooo much                    -did I mention that
                                                                     I am fricking tired?     -I have a husband
                                                                                                                 who works hard
                                                                                                                 for us


5.  taking care of myself
and others                                                -I don't feel like it                -I know how  

Alcoholism and Its Physical, Mental, and Spiritual Affects

So this alcoholism thing is physical, mental, and spiritual?  Wow, that is like my whole being!  Does this mean if I just not drink and eat well and exercise, I will find peace?

Oh, wait, that doesn't address the mental and spiritual part directly, does it?

What if I just go to counselors who teach me how to change my thoughts through cognitive behavioral therapy and maybe go to church every Sunday?

Hmmm...then I am ignoring the physical side of things, aren't I?

What about this - I take my medication and wait for it to cure my mental illness, you know "replenish" my lack of serotonin and all that neurotransmitter stuff?

Wait, that alone won't improve my spiritual condition, will it?

I know!  I've got it!  I will work my ass off with the 12-steps and everything will be grand!

Or not?  Aren't I then ignoring the physical part of my make-up as a human being?

For me, I must attack this alcoholism with everything I can because it hits me in every area that makes up my being - physically, mentally, and spiritually.

For me, this means don't drink, eat well, exercise, get enough sleep, and take my medications.  This means learning from professionals and non-professionals how to change my thinking and how to process my feelings in ways that heal me not hurt me.  This means working the 12 steps on a daily basis.

Alcoholism looks for any way to take hold and kill me.  It doesn't care if it is the physical, mental, or spiritual part of me.  Once it creeps into one area, my peace is lessened and like a bad rash, it will spread out until it touches all the areas and then I am really screwed!

Therefore, I can't ignore any of the three facets which make up my whole being.  I must use all of the tools at my disposal, which God places in my life, to help me fight alcoholism.  If I take the actions needed to use these tools, I have a good chance at living a joyful, serene life. 

And that is all I really want.  How about you?

So Your Sober - Now What?

Live.

How?

Go to meetings to get a sponsor to work a 12-step program to improve your contact with God to help others.  Repeat.

Why?

It works for me.

Sober Living - How to Stay Serene

I have been busy with life…too busy. Not saying no to things I could say no to, to things that are taking me away from time with God. Therefore, I am not surprised at my current state of irritability and discontent.


Life has a way of bulldozing me without me realizing it until I find myself face down, flattened to the concrete, hurting, cussing, and saying to myself, “I can’t believe I let this happen again!”


What next?

I asked God to peel me up from the pavement and tell me what to do. I opened my laptop to write this post and the words from a previous post sit in wait for me to see, at this very moment when I needed to see them, when I asked for guidance He used my own words to answer me:

The most effective way for me to find joy in everyday living is by working the 12 Steps. Following the suggestions outlined in these steps brings my will in line with God’s will without fail. The steps pave a path that leads me to the two reasons for which I believe that I exist:

1. To attain and maintain conscious contact with God

2. To be of service to others

Due to my choice to focus on things other than maintaining conscious contact with God and being of service to others, I find myself in emotional chaos. I have been focusing on maintaining contact with others in order to serve myself. My how easy it is for me to flip flop my priorities.


Time for me to slow down and regroup. Autopilot is no place for me to operate…it is a guaranteed crash and burn. I pray that God’s grace surrounds me like a protective shield, blinding me to the things my thoughts and actions have been foolishly chasing these past few days.


Do you ever find yourself feeling like this? If so, what do you do? Thanks for any insights you offer.

Sobriety + Silence + Stillness = Serenity

After a busy Holiday season with life's normal ups and downs, the kiddos are back in school today and my whole being is shouting for joy in the silence and stillness which surround me like a warm, cozy blanket on a snowy winter night.  My ears soak up the silence like a dry sponge does water.  I hear the hum of the refrigerator running and the tapping of my fingers on the keyboard and nothing more.  My body bathes in the stillness like sleeping newborn snuggled safe in his mother's arms.  Aaaahhhhhh..... :)

Sobriety

However, before I could enjoy such silence and stillness, I first had to achieve sobriety which is no easy task for an alcoholic like me.  I stopped drinking over six years ago and have been able to stay sober since then thanks to my Higher Power and a 12-step program.  For more about my story as it relates to getting and staying sober click here.


Silence

Once sober, I encountered something I never experienced before thanks to the mind-altering effects of alcohol - silence.  I remember during my first couple of years in sobriety when silence was torture for me.  It was like nails on a chalkboard, screeching, maddening.  I now know it wasn't the silence itself that that was so painful.  Rather, it was my thoughts and emotions surfacing into my consciousness, things I used to run from with alcohol.

In sobriety, I found that silence eliminated external distractions - from the television to the kids' loud mouths.  These distraction, although not as affective as alcohol once was, kept me unaware of what was going on inside of me (i.e., my thoughts and feelings.)

Eventually, I became comfortable with silence thanks to my Higher Power and a 12-step program.


Stillness

Once I was able to tolerate silence, I had yet another battle to fight - stillness.  I couldn't sit still for more than a minute at a time, literally.  I was a ball of nervous energy feeling like I would explode if I was not up doing something, anything, from cleaning to exercising to yard work to cooking. 

I remember coming home from work (from a job where I was on my feet walking for eight hours straight) and frantically chopping fresh vegetables every night.  Carrots were my favorite.  The resistance of the knife's blade against the hardness of the carrot and the pressure needed to chop it felt so good in my hand.  With each chop and snapping sound an ounce of stress escaped from me.  I would chop and chop and chop.  Before recovery, I would drink and drink and drink.  I was making progress.

Eventually, I became comfortable with stillness thanks to a Higher Power and a 12-step program.


Serenity

Today, I do not need noise in my environment to distract me nor constant physical activity on which to focus my attention.  Today, I can sit still in silence and experience serenity, a calm beautiful state of consciousness that is better than any high or drunk I have ever had.

Innately, I think we all know that internal chaos and serenity cannot co-exist inside of us.  I used alcohol and the distractions of noise and busyness in an attempt to expel my internal chaos.  Those solutions failed over and over again until I became hopeless. 

It was at this point that I became willing to try something different - sobriety and later down the road, silence and stillness.  All three of which I had no clue how to obtain.  That is until I worked the 12-steps.

Those of you who know what I am talking about - YEA!  Those of you who don't, have hope.  You too, can be rid of the internal chaos - painful thoughts and feelings - that cause you to use alcohol, drugs, food, sex, external noise, busyness, etc.  

If you are like I was at the end of my drinking career, using the aforementioned tactics over and over again (despite their repeated failure) to expel your inner chaos and pain, then you most likely feel hopeless. 

It was also at this point that I realized I no longer had the power to choose to drink or not drink.  My internal chaos, my addiction, my disease, chose for me.  I had to try something different or else I was going to die.  


Be still and know that I am God.

By working the 12-steps, my internal chaos was expelled from me eventually, not instantly.  Consequently, I was able to be silent and be still.  Once silent and still, I experienced a peace and calm like no other.  Did you catch the sequence of that? 

1. Work the steps to expel internal chaos
2. so that you can be silent and still
3. and then you will know God.

For a great article on the scripture verse, "Be still and know that I am God," click here.


"Simple but not easy"

...as they say in recovery because here is the kicker - I can't just do my sobriety + silence + stillness = serenity formula once and be done.  Why?  Because life continues to deal out its bad hands (to everyone, not just to me) which means I experience emotional and mental pain (internal chaos) again and again throughout my life.

However, unlike before when alcohol, noise, and busyness were my only solutions, I now have one that actually works and hasn't failed me yet, thanks to a Higher Power and a 12-step program.

This solution may work for you, too.  What do you have to lose in trying except that which is causing you to drink or use to begin with???

Would love to hear your thoughts on this...

Communication Styles - Tricks Before Recovery versus Tools After Recovery

I haven't read any sober blogs in two weeks and I miss it!  I can't wait to catch up today.  I hope everyone had a blessed Holiday Season.  Mine was busy with God, family, gifts, food, shopping, decorating, cleaning, more family, more cleaning, and hanging out with my husband and kids. 

Last week we saw the movie, Tangled.  It is based on the story of Rapunzel, the princess with the long, golden hair.  "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair."  The movie was funny, adventurous, and dramatic.  I highly recommend it for kids and adults alike.

Communication Tricks Before Recovery


Photo source

I hate to admit it but the witch in the movie, who held Rapunzel hostage in a high tower for the first eighteen years of her life, reminded me of me!  The witch was nicey, nicey to every one's face and schemed and manipulated behind their backs.  If I was ever an expert at anything in my life, being passive-aggressive was it.  "Kill them with kindness" had a whole different meaning for me than I think it was meant to have.

I grew up with a aggressive father and a passive mother.  I picked up traits from both of them and ended up being a well-blended mix of both.  A mutt of unhealthy communication skills, if you will.  My bag of tricks contained all of the following:

• verbal attacks
• threats
• guilt trips
• silent treatments
• sarcasms
• cynicism
• negativity
• vengeful acts against people that may or may not know about them
• and most confusing to those around me, like the witch in the movie did, I was an expert at taking verbal jabs at others and quickly following them up with an innocent smile and a "I'm just kidding" lie.  I did this to express my anger but gave myself a way out in case they didn't like what I said.  Fear of what people thought of me played a huge roll in my unhealthy communication style.

Thinking about the way I was, let alone writing about it here, makes me cringe and feel a bit nauseous. 


Communication Tools In Recovery



Source

However, in the past few years I have learned new, healthier ways to communicate, including:

• beginning statements with "I" instead of "You."  For example, "I feel uncomfortable when you belittle her in front of me" rather than "You're so mean to her.  You're a jerk."
• avoiding all or nothing qualifiers such as "always" and "never."  For example, "I always do everything around here" or "I never get to do what I want."  For me, all or nothing statements are rarely true or simply gross over-exaggerations, which give the other person an opportunity to respond with specific examples that prove my statements false.  So, I try not to even go there.  Really, it is a subtle form of dishonesty.
• asking for help by admitting my limitations to others.  For example, rather than falling against the wall with the back of my hand to my forehead, giving my husband my best Scarlet O'Hara impression, and saying, "I do everything around here.  This house would fall apart if it weren't for me," I can instead say, "Hey, babe, I am feeling overwhelmed this week.  Could you help me by doing this, this, and this?" 
• which brings me to another facet about communication I learned in recovery:  PEOPLE CANNOT READ MY MIND.  Who knew?  I didn't.  I thought I knew what you were thinking and feeling so it stood to reason that you should always know what I thought and felt and what I wanted and didn't want.  It turns out that you don't know these things unless I TELL YOU.  Amazing!  Additionally, I don't know what you think, feel, want, or don't want unless YOU TELL ME.  What a revelation!  Better yet, what a relief!  Not to have to assume, guess, and feel responsible for anticipating your wants and needs is the most freeing thing in the world!  I never realized what hard work being a good codependent was until I stopped being one.

I still pull from my old bag of tricks when it comes to communicating with others, which invariably leads to chaos in my mind, my environment or both.  On the other hand, when I choose to pick up the tools of healthy communication, I give myself a real chance to experience peace of mind and true love of others.

What is your communication style?  How's that working or not working for you?

Happy New Year!