Experience, Strength, and Hope

Sobriety, Emotional and Mental Disorders

2011-04-25T19:51:00.004-05:00

Hello? -hello, hello {echoing}...

I am alive. Thank you to those who have inquired about my hiatus. Recovery is a peculiar thing. Being alcohol-free is not as free as it sounds. For me, it has cost the blissful ignorance I used to have about my true nature.

I have been coming to terms with some hard truths about myself. Some UGLY, hard truths, which I am processing through more so than ever currently. As a result, I have had to step back from blogging for a bit because I believe it is in everyone's best interest to not throw too much crap out into the world. There is enough as it is. And honestly (because it is an honest program, after all :), that is all I've had to offer lately. And ironically, because of the 12 step program, I know that only being capable of slinging crap is ok as long as it is done in a way that doesn't harm anyone, including the program, and as long as I keep using the steps as my solution.

It says in the Big Book, "there are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest." Friends, I am here to tell you that I have that capacity and therefore, I HAVE HOPE! As long as there is breath inside of me, I have hope.

And I will continue to offer my experience and strength to others. For now, however, I have not the strength to do it on this blog. I am leaning hard on those around me. They are sharing their strength with me. It IS "how it works" and it is a beautiful thing.

Alcoholism, Mental Illness and Recovery

2011-04-03T12:19:00.000-05:00

Happy Spring! I hope everyone is doing well. Life continues around me and I am doing my best with God's help, of course, to keep up or at least survive each moment. I have been focusing on living in the present, not dwelling on the past too much nor worrying about the future. Those are some tough tasks for me and not because I like to think about the past and future too much but rather because the present moments are often difficult to bear.

I have a great life and many, many blessings for which I am ever thankful to God. The difficulties remain in my mood swings and my powerlessness over mental illness. I asked the universe this week if there will ever come a day when I would rather be alive than dead. The universe didn't give me a definitive answer so I guess I'll keep plugging along. Maybe that is the answer; just keep plugging along.

I have a friend who has a teenager who is depressed and he often self-mutilates by cutting. She knows my history and asked me if I thought he was inflicting physical pain in an attempt to distract himself from his mental anguish. I said that I didn't know why he was doing it but the reason I did it at his age was because of self-hatred.

I had so much anger and was conditioned to stuff it as a child that when it eventually started boiling out of me, I took it out on myself in secrecy. Nobody knew so nobody punished me for expressing anger. Yet, I knew and ironically, inflicted my own punishment. Weird. I never really thought of it that way until now.

Today, I do not hate myself. In fact, I love myself because through the 12 step program and the examples of those women in the programs, I have learned how to see myself through God's eyes and that is an amazing gift to possess. I love myself with all of my heart!

However, I hate my mental illness symptoms as much as I hated being alcoholic when I first got sober. Today, I am indifferent about having alcoholism. It is what it is and I am so grateful that the solution found in the 12 steps works for me and my alcoholism.

Maybe some day I will feel the same about mental illness. However, for today, my symptoms are extremely painful and I struggle to find peace in them. Yet, I remain hopeful. I turn to God at every painful moment for help and I turn to him at every peaceful moment to give thanks. I learned to do that by working the 12 steps "in all my affairs."

In addition to working my program, I continue to take other actions necessary to treat my mental illness (going to my psychiatrist monthly, being honest with her and others about my symptoms, taking care of myself to the best of my ability and most importantly, not being too hard on myself.)

I do not have any more power over my bipolar disorder than I do over my alcoholism. In both cases, the only power I have is in the willingness to take the actions suggested to me by others. So, that is what I will keep doing...I'll just keep plugging along and we'll see what happens...

Do Alcoholics Have the Option to Choose Self Control?

2011-03-23T10:57:00.002-05:00

My ten year old daughter continues to exhibit bipolar symptoms, specifically anger and irritability, morning, noon, and night. Yesterday morning, I kept my cool with her and my serenity was not affected. This morning, on the other hand, I responded to her disrespectful actions and words with my own anger and frustration and my serenity vanished. Poof! Gone…

Afterwards, I went outside and sat in the morning sunshine to read a spiritual (although, not recovery-based) meditation book a friend gave to me this week. I immediately felt a sense of peace and relief as I read the words I needed to hear until I got to the last part which discussed self-control. It reads:

I choose self-control…Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. To these I commit my day. If I succeed, I will give thanks. If I fail, I will seek his grace.

My blood pressure rose as I read those words and I tore that page right out of the flippin’ book!

Self-control??? I have no self-control! If I did, I wouldn't need a 12-step program for my alcoholism. WTF? Does this mean normal people have a choice when it comes to self-control because I sure don't. On the contrary, I am out of control. I am powerless. My life is unmanageable by me. I am unmanageable by me.

Definition of self-control: "Control of one's emotions, actions, or desires by one's own will."

I thought this picture was cute, however, a cork wouldn't work because I'd have to buy a bottle of wine in order to get the cork (oh, the irony! :)

I am not in a great place at the moment. Therefore, I am reaching out to my fellow alcoholics and humbly asking you to share your experience, strength, and hope on this self-control thing. Am I missing something?

I choose to admit that I am powerless (step 1.) I choose to believe my life is unmanageable and that God can restore me to sanity (step 2.) I choose to make the decision to turn my life over to God (step 3.) I choose to write down my faults (step 4.) I choose to talk with my sponsor about them (step 5.) I choose to be willing to have God remove my faults (step 6.) I choose to ask him to remove them (step 7.) I choose to make a list of those I have harmed (step 8) and to make amends except when to do so would injure them or others (step 9.) I choose to review my conduct each day (step 10.) I choose to pray and meditate (step 11.) I choose to try to practice the principles of the program in all of my affairs and to carry the message of the program to other alcoholics (step 12.)

But can I choose to have self-control? Can I choose to control myself? Can you?

Sober Time Flies

2011-03-22T14:50:00.000-05:00

Wow! It has been a few weeks...busy, up, down, and everything in between. I am grieving the death of a family member yet finally coming out of a full Fall-Winter depression. I am grateful that my sleeping habits have normalized, that my husband's financial insecurities have been relieved, and most of all, that I am sober and in conscious contact with God.

What are you grateful for today?

Serenity in Sobriety - Is Love All You Need?

2011-03-07T13:49:00.003-06:00

Currently, my spiritual journey has brought me to the realization that the more I accept and love myself, every part of myself, the more peace I experience. I spent so many years judging, berating, and despising my human condition that by the time I got to the rooms of the 12 step program, I had nearly snuffed out the tiny light of the spirit left in me. In the program, we refer to these aspects of the human condition as "character defects." I hated them.

I hated them to a point of starving myself and binging and purging as a preteen. I hated them to the point of trying to slowly kill myself with alcohol from age 15-32. I hated them to the point of subjecting myself to demoralizing experiences with men from age 16-21. I hated them to the point of purposefully injuring my body with razor blade cuts from age 18-20. I hated them to the point of considering suicide several times IN SOBRIETY.

Don't you see that alcoholism is not about alcohol as much as it is about an illness of the mind that wants to destroy the soul using any means possible? Anorexia, bulimia, drugs, sex, self-injury, suicide...it doesn't care which does the job...they are all a means to the same end which is a full separation from the "sunlight of the spirit," from God, from Love.

For me, being sober is no guarantee that I won't die from this disease. For me, the only hope I have to transcend decades of self-hate is to love and accept all of me, including my character defects.

Why? Because for today, I believe that my character defects are present as a direct result of a lack of love. Therefore, to continue to deny myself of love would merely perpetuate their existence.

The act of loving myself unconditionally - defects and all - will eventually eradicate these defects. Is this not the same thing as being willing and humbly asking God to remove my character defects as it is written in Steps 6 and 7?

Because what IS God but LOVE?

So it is LOVE that will remove them...God's love in me loving me. Me loving me with God's love. God and me, God's love and my love - one in the same.

For who am I but an extension of God's love? God, Himself, said that He created us in His own image...

His image...

God IS Love.

Therefore, if I believe I was created in His image then I have to believe that I was not created out of love - as something separate from love - but rather that I was created AS love.

My true self IS love. I AM love.

Therefore, to not love, to not be myself, to not BE love is to kill my true self.

Does this make sense to you? Care to share any thoughts?

For a clearer explanation read the following article.

U N I V I S I O N S: Transcending into Love

This idea keeps presenting itself to me in various ways lately and this post is an attempt to relate what is being revealed to me to my alcoholism (NOT to my drinking problem but to my ALCOHOLISM, which includes all of the illness mentioned above...the eating disorder, bipolar symptoms, depression, etc.)

Thanks for reading and letting me share. Enjoy the music video below, All You Need is Love by The Beatles.

Alcoholism, Sobriety, and Recovery - a Step Ten Spiritual Experience

2011-02-22T20:53:00.002-06:00

I listened to them fight. Like I used to be, she is sensitive, defensive, discontent, irritable, and miserable. Unlike me, she is only ten years old and has never touched a drop of alcohol. Yet, she thinks and acts like one who is drinking herself into an early grave.

Like my husband, my other daughter is selfless, kind, loving, as well as hurt and confused about why the former spews venomous words and blames her for all that is wrong in life. Unlike my husband, she is only five years old and was born into this alcoholic family rather than married into it.

Doesn’t matter…we all have alcoholism and sometimes it really sucks.

I have a sponsor, my daughter has a counselor, and we both have psychiatrists and God. I hate what I see and I cry because I can’t fix her any more than I can fix myself.

Step One: I am powerless.

Step Two: I believe God will restore my sanity (and my daughter's)

Step Three: and at times, I allow Him to restore mine. The times when I don't is when I focus on my fears. For example, I become scared to death for my children and agonize over the pain of living from which I cannot completely protect them.

Step Four: During these times, it is best for me to write out my fears and the ways in which I may be harming them by not allowing them to feel their own growing pains, for example.

Step Five: I discuss these things with my sponsor on a regular basis merely because they surface on a regular basis.

Step Six: I want God to remove my fears and seemingly selfless actions that are, in reality, an attempt to relieve the suffering I experience when I see my children suffering.

Step Seven: I ask God to remove these fears, defects, and shortcomings from me as He sees fit.

Step Eight: I place myself at the top of the list and any others whom I have harmed.

Step Nine: I make amends to myself for the browbeating I often inflict on my own conscience (which only fuels my alcoholism.)

Step Ten: ??? Oh, Step 10, where are youuuuu???

It is at this exact point in my recent working of the steps, in which flames of “you’re a terrible mother” and “look at what you did to these kids” and “this is all your fault” ignite; my alcoholism trying to convince me that I have power; that some how I can control my life and my children's lives.

If I believe these lies, which I often do, I go along living life until I, once again, experience enough pain to return to Step One (and admit my powerlessness, once again!)

Insidious disease!!! I haven’t worked Step 10 in months. The others, many times as I described above. However, even a thorough 4th -9th step-run only straightens me out for a few weeks and then I am back where I started.

I kept asking, “Why? Why?” and this weekend He told me, “...no Step 10 work.”

“She does steps 4-9 repeatedly. That’s the same thing…even BETTER than a step 10,” my disease retorted. God smiled and like that smart little dog from the Wizard of Oz who pulled back the curtain to reveal a mere man pretending to be a great and powerful Wizard, God revealed the simplicity and significance of Step 10 to me.

My focus has been on the great and powerful Steps 4-9 (which are great and powerful in their own right.) However, for me, Step 10 works behind the curtain tirelessly to maintain the phenomenal effects of 4-9, as the carnival man did to control the powerful effects of the “wizard.”

If I work step 10 on a daily basis, maybe I will be less likely to fall backwards as quickly as I have been on my Steps 4-9 every-other-month plan…that plan isn't in the Big Book!

I also wonder if skipping step 10 is the reason that steps 11 and 12 have been such chores for me lately...

Thank you, God. Thank you, all.

http://wikimediafoundation.org/wiki/File:Are-you-a-wizard.jpg

The Three Legged Stool: How to Dismantle Your Program, or The Yellow Brick Road to Hell

2011-02-17T20:38:00.000-06:00

The Three Legged Stool: How to Dismantle Your Program, or The Yellow Brick Road to Hell

Think it is ok to miss a meeting here and there? Think again...or better yet, don't think - just go to the damn meeting!

Alcoholism and Mental Illness: A Double Edged Sword

2011-02-13T18:05:00.000-06:00

“To be a good and genuine follower of Christ, there is no need of great things—it is enough to have the common, simple and human virtues, but they need to be true and authentic” ~ Pope John Paul II

The last two months have been up and down but constantly busy. I hit a depressive bottom a few weeks ago that had been building up for about a month.

I have noticed a pattern of late…every few months I suffer from a depressive episode followed by a month of euphoria and lastly, a slow decline into the next depressive state. Up and down, up and down. Such is the life of living with bipolar disease or alcoholism or both.

I discussed the challenges of having both mental illness and alcoholism with a couple of ladies in the program, who have both, and in our experience it is a pain in the butt!

There are some who will say that the two illnesses are one in the same; that as one’s spiritual condition improves the mental twists of these diseases will subside. In my experience, this is true for alcoholism but not always for bipolar depression.

I had a sponsor who did not suffer from depression in sobriety and therefore, couldn’t understand the mental and physical anguish I was experiencing at the time. She implored me to “get out of myself” and do more service work, to work harder on the steps, especially one through three, to get out of my self-pity, make gratitude lists, and go to more meetings.

I did these things and I continued to deteriorate until I tried to take my own life – after years of sobriety. Why? Because I became hopeless. I became hopeless because I was doing all of the things that make a “normal” alcoholic’s spiritual life blossom into a beautiful garden of serenity. Because I was doing what she was doing and it wasn’t having the same effect on me as it was her.

When I came to the rooms of this 12 step program I had lost all hope, I had hit bottom, I was out of answers. I found hope again by working the 12 steps of the program. I was amazed, grateful, humbled, and relieved. I finally found a way to connect with my God and I finally felt peace. I finally felt like I had a purpose in life – like I belonged here. I finally felt that sense of ease and comfort as I placed myself in the hands of my Creator by doing what was suggested to me; by doing what worked so well for others.

So, three years later when these solutions kept working for those around me and they no longer worked for me, I lost all hope once again. I hit another bottom. Alcohol definitely stopped working for me but how could a spiritual program of love and service stop working? I was devastated, in disbelief, terrified, and more hopeless than I had ever been while still drinking. (Even writing about it now literally takes my breath away.)

Now, almost four more years later, I continue to hit emotional bottoms every few months. I continue to ride the roller coaster of mental illness, which has many of the same strange and peculiar mental twists as alcoholism but in my experience, is not as easily managed by spiritual improvement alone.

The book tells me that alcoholism is a mental obsession and a physical allergy. The 12 steps removed my mental obsession for alcohol, which in turn, significantly reduces the chances of me drinking and activating the physical allergy.

Mental illness is not a mental obsession perse nor is it a physical allergy of some sort. It is a medical disease based mostly on the imbalance of certain chemicals in the brain. For many who have both mental illness and alcoholism, medication, the 12 steps, counseling at times, and a number of other interventions are needed. For many of those who are strictly alcoholic, the 12 steps are enough to recover.

Mental illness is real. Alcoholism is real. They both hurt. They both kill. They both affect all aspects of one’s being, physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. However, not everyone who has mental illness is alcoholic and not everyone who is a sober alcoholic has mental illness (in the brain chemical imbalance sense.)

Therefore, when I am having trouble coping with life and someone’s tells me to work the steps harder, get out of myself, stop feeling sorry for myself, make gratitude lists, help others, go to more meetings and I do take these actions yet continue to get worse, I know that I need to call a professional in for help.

If I do what is suggested to me and my condition improves then yay! for the steps and this wonderful program for alcoholics (I repeat, “this program for alcoholics” not this program for alcoholics with bipolar depression.)

Now, I can hear some of those in my meetings saying, “You’re not unique. Don’t single yourself out. You’re not different.” These statements are true in and of themselves, however, I think many people use them out of context. After all, don’t we say that we can’t drink like normal people? Aren’t our bodies and minds different than that of the average social drinker? And for goodness sakes, our own Grapevine is singling out alcoholics who are also gay, in their current issue. Why then, can’t my body and mind be different than the average or normal alcoholic?

In summary, I want to reiterate for myself a few things that I have learned over the past couple of years:

don’t lumped people into a big category pot with cookie cutter solutions
don’t assume that I know best about what someone needs to do just because it worked that way for me
don’t forget that we are all individuals with particular needs that only a Higher Power knows how to fulfill and sometimes He does so through the minds and actions of those outside of the program (i.e., medical professionals, clergy, spouse, non-alcoholic friend or family member)
don’t assume that every solution lays at the end of improving my spiritual condition but that it may be possible for the improved spiritual condition to be but the beginning of a road that leads me to the tangible solutions my Higher Power wants to bring me to (i.e., medication, counseling, major life-style changes, etc.)
be humble and try to remember that I don’t know anything as far as what is best for me, you, or the man on the moon
ask for help
easy does it
don’t quit before the miracle happens (or after it happens because for me, the need for and the appearance of subsequent miracles continues on and on, up and down, etc., etc.)

My Sober Week

2011-02-08T18:14:00.000-06:00

Photo credits unknown.

quoteflections: Gratitude is not for Wimps

2011-01-30T23:40:00.001-06:00

quoteflections: Gratitude is not for Wimps: "A team of psychologists is researching the science of gratitude and collecting evidence that it enhances one's quality of life. 'Far from ..."

Ok, all you program people - you have got to read this. My only comment is that I am glad the medical field is finally catching up with what us drunks learned a long time ago. Geesh! Just another thing to be grateful for, right? ;)

Here are some highlights from Paul C.'s (blog author over at quoteflections) post:

"Far from being a warm, fuzzy sentiment, gratitude is morally and intellectually demanding, it requires contemplation, reflection and discipline. It can be hard and painful work." ~ Professor Robert Emmons, one of the study's researchers.

Damn right it's hard and painful work!!! (<-----that comment is mine.)

Additionally, Paul C. writes:

"In (Emmon's) book he discusses 10 strategies to cultivate gratitude which include keeping journals, remembering the bad, learning prayers, appreciating one's senses, going through the right motions which will lead to positive emotions."

This just gave me a chuckle - in a good way - as well as made me grateful that people, both in the rooms of recovery and in the normal world, continue to spread the message about the benefits of an "attitude of gratitude."

One last thing...I just recently found Paul's blog and I thoroughly enjoy it. quoteflections is "a regular eclectic mind fix," as stated in its subtitle.

Thanks, Paul. I am grateful for you and your blog!

Sobriety and Life Tie the Knot

2011-01-30T15:46:00.001-06:00

Sober living is hard, enjoyable, stressful, serene, tough, and simple. How can it be so many opposing things? It can for me because it is life, a mysterious experience of co-existing joy and sorrow, suffering and relief, pain and serenity. It is real, it is now, and it is unpredictable.

I am going on seven consecutive weeks of family illnesses, snow days, holidays, birthdays, and crises - all the usual life events - with no end yet in sight. I want to run away via the bottle, the car, or in my really low spots, death.

Thank goodness God has other plans for me. Otherwise, I would be writing this drunk, from a deserted island, or not at all.

I have a lot to complain about…many things I don’t like but as my sponsor says, I “don’t have to like it.” I also have a lot to be grateful for…many things that I do like…and when I focus on those aspects of my life I have a real chance at conforming to God’s will - staying sober, living with my family, and remaining alive.

How do I keep my focus on the positives? I have only one answer:

by working the 12 steps:

Admitting my powerlessness
Believing God will restore me to sanity
Trusting in His will
Completing a thorough self-appraisal
Calling my sponsor/telling her everything
Being willing for God to improve my character
Asking Him to improve my character
Making a list of those whom I have harmed
Making amends when appropriate
Performing repeated self-appraisals
Praying and meditating
Practicing these principles in all areas of my life and carrying the message to other alcoholics through service work (going to meetings to share and listen, sponsoring other women, writing these blog posts, etc.)

A long time ago, life handed me a rope and sometimes I swing joyfully from it like a child and sometimes I am tempted to noose it and hang myself. Right now, I am tying a knot in the end of it and hanging on…while God and those who love me stand underneath with open arms, waiting to catch me if I fall.

What more could I ask for?

Responsibilities in Sobriety - Grumblings versus Gratitude

2011-01-23T17:30:00.006-06:00

Responsibilities Grumblings Gratitude

1. taking care of sick children
non-stop for the last two weeks:               -I am tired                -God strengthens me
                                                                       -I miss quietness         -I'm not hungover

2. leaving early to get coffee cups
for my home group meeting                          -I am tired                   -they trust me w/$
                                                                           -I don't do my
                                                                            own shopping         -they trust me w/$

3. taking a friend to a meeting weekly     -why doesn't she
                                                                      ever offer to drive?   -I have a car and can
                                                                                                                  afford gasoline
                                                                                                                -I have friends

4. taking care of the kids alone while
husband works sooooo much                    -did I mention that
                                                                     I am fricking tired?     -I have a husband
                                                                                                                 who works hard
                                                                                                                 for us

5.  taking care of myself
and others                                                -I don't feel like it                -I know how

Alcoholism and Its Physical, Mental, and Spiritual Affects

2011-01-16T11:19:00.000-06:00

So this alcoholism thing is physical, mental, and spiritual? Wow, that is like my whole being! Does this mean if I just not drink and eat well and exercise, I will find peace?

Oh, wait, that doesn't address the mental and spiritual part directly, does it?

What if I just go to counselors who teach me how to change my thoughts through cognitive behavioral therapy and maybe go to church every Sunday?

Hmmm...then I am ignoring the physical side of things, aren't I?

What about this - I take my medication and wait for it to cure my mental illness, you know "replenish" my lack of serotonin and all that neurotransmitter stuff?

Wait, that alone won't improve my spiritual condition, will it?

I know! I've got it! I will work my ass off with the 12-steps and everything will be grand!

Or not? Aren't I then ignoring the physical part of my make-up as a human being?

For me, I must attack this alcoholism with everything I can because it hits me in every area that makes up my being - physically, mentally, and spiritually.

For me, this means don't drink, eat well, exercise, get enough sleep, and take my medications. This means learning from professionals and non-professionals how to change my thinking and how to process my feelings in ways that heal me not hurt me. This means working the 12 steps on a daily basis.

Alcoholism looks for any way to take hold and kill me. It doesn't care if it is the physical, mental, or spiritual part of me. Once it creeps into one area, my peace is lessened and like a bad rash, it will spread out until it touches all the areas and then I am really screwed!

Therefore, I can't ignore any of the three facets which make up my whole being. I must use all of the tools at my disposal, which God places in my life, to help me fight alcoholism. If I take the actions needed to use these tools, I have a good chance at living a joyful, serene life.

And that is all I really want. How about you?

So Your Sober - Now What?

2011-01-15T00:03:00.000-06:00

Live.

How?

Go to meetings to get a sponsor to work a 12-step program to improve your contact with God to help others. Repeat.

Why?

It works for me.

Sober Living - How to Stay Serene

2011-01-10T02:20:00.000-06:00

I have been busy with life…too busy. Not saying no to things I could say no to, to things that are taking me away from time with God. Therefore, I am not surprised at my current state of irritability and discontent.

Life has a way of bulldozing me without me realizing it until I find myself face down, flattened to the concrete, hurting, cussing, and saying to myself, “I can’t believe I let this happen again!”

What next?

I asked God to peel me up from the pavement and tell me what to do. I opened my laptop to write this post and the words from a previous post sit in wait for me to see, at this very moment when I needed to see them, when I asked for guidance He used my own words to answer me:

The most effective way for me to find joy in everyday living is by working the 12 Steps. Following the suggestions outlined in these steps brings my will in line with God’s will without fail. The steps pave a path that leads me to the two reasons for which I believe that I exist:

1. To attain and maintain conscious contact with God

2. To be of service to others

Due to my choice to focus on things other than maintaining conscious contact with God and being of service to others, I find myself in emotional chaos. I have been focusing on maintaining contact with others in order to serve myself. My how easy it is for me to flip flop my priorities.

Time for me to slow down and regroup. Autopilot is no place for me to operate…it is a guaranteed crash and burn. I pray that God’s grace surrounds me like a protective shield, blinding me to the things my thoughts and actions have been foolishly chasing these past few days.

Do you ever find yourself feeling like this? If so, what do you do? Thanks for any insights you offer.

Sobriety + Silence + Stillness = Serenity

2011-01-06T14:09:00.003-06:00

After a busy Holiday season with life's normal ups and downs, the kiddos are back in school today and my whole being is shouting for joy in the silence and stillness which surround me like a warm, cozy blanket on a snowy winter night. My ears soak up the silence like a dry sponge does water. I hear the hum of the refrigerator running and the tapping of my fingers on the keyboard and nothing more. My body bathes in the stillness like sleeping newborn snuggled safe in his mother's arms. Aaaahhhhhh..... :)

Sobriety

However, before I could enjoy such silence and stillness, I first had to achieve sobriety which is no easy task for an alcoholic like me. I stopped drinking over six years ago and have been able to stay sober since then thanks to my Higher Power and a 12-step program. For more about my story as it relates to getting and staying sober click here.

Silence

Once sober, I encountered something I never experienced before thanks to the mind-altering effects of alcohol - silence. I remember during my first couple of years in sobriety when silence was torture for me. It was like nails on a chalkboard, screeching, maddening. I now know it wasn't the silence itself that that was so painful. Rather, it was my thoughts and emotions surfacing into my consciousness, things I used to run from with alcohol.

In sobriety, I found that silence eliminated external distractions - from the television to the kids' loud mouths. These distraction, although not as affective as alcohol once was, kept me unaware of what was going on inside of me (i.e., my thoughts and feelings.)

Eventually, I became comfortable with silence thanks to my Higher Power and a 12-step program.

Stillness

Once I was able to tolerate silence, I had yet another battle to fight - stillness. I couldn't sit still for more than a minute at a time, literally. I was a ball of nervous energy feeling like I would explode if I was not up doing something, anything, from cleaning to exercising to yard work to cooking.

I remember coming home from work (from a job where I was on my feet walking for eight hours straight) and frantically chopping fresh vegetables every night. Carrots were my favorite. The resistance of the knife's blade against the hardness of the carrot and the pressure needed to chop it felt so good in my hand. With each chop and snapping sound an ounce of stress escaped from me. I would chop and chop and chop. Before recovery, I would drink and drink and drink. I was making progress.

Eventually, I became comfortable with stillness thanks to a Higher Power and a 12-step program.

Serenity

Today, I do not need noise in my environment to distract me nor constant physical activity on which to focus my attention. Today, I can sit still in silence and experience serenity, a calm beautiful state of consciousness that is better than any high or drunk I have ever had.

Innately, I think we all know that internal chaos and serenity cannot co-exist inside of us. I used alcohol and the distractions of noise and busyness in an attempt to expel my internal chaos. Those solutions failed over and over again until I became hopeless.

It was at this point that I became willing to try something different - sobriety and later down the road, silence and stillness. All three of which I had no clue how to obtain. That is until I worked the 12-steps.

Those of you who know what I am talking about - YEA! Those of you who don't, have hope. You too, can be rid of the internal chaos - painful thoughts and feelings - that cause you to use alcohol, drugs, food, sex, external noise, busyness, etc.

If you are like I was at the end of my drinking career, using the aforementioned tactics over and over again (despite their repeated failure) to expel your inner chaos and pain, then you most likely feel hopeless.

It was also at this point that I realized I no longer had the power to choose to drink or not drink. My internal chaos, my addiction, my disease, chose for me. I had to try something different or else I was going to die.

Be still and know that I am God.

By working the 12-steps, my internal chaos was expelled from me eventually, not instantly. Consequently, I was able to be silent and be still. Once silent and still, I experienced a peace and calm like no other. Did you catch the sequence of that?

Work the steps to expel internal chaos
so that you can be silent and still
and then you will know God.

For a great article on the scripture verse, "Be still and know that I am God," click here.

"Simple but not easy"

...as they say in recovery because here is the kicker - I can't just do my sobriety + silence + stillness = serenity formula once and be done. Why? Because life continues to deal out its bad hands (to everyone, not just to me) which means I experience emotional and mental pain (internal chaos) again and again throughout my life.

However, unlike before when alcohol, noise, and busyness were my only solutions, I now have one that actually works and hasn't failed me yet, thanks to a Higher Power and a 12-step program.

This solution may work for you, too. What do you have to lose in trying except that which is causing you to drink or use to begin with???

Would love to hear your thoughts on this...

Communication Styles - Tricks Before Recovery versus Tools After Recovery

2011-01-02T15:08:00.006-06:00

I haven't read any sober blogs in two weeks and I miss it! I can't wait to catch up today. I hope everyone had a blessed Holiday Season. Mine was busy with God, family, gifts, food, shopping, decorating, cleaning, more family, more cleaning, and hanging out with my husband and kids.

Last week we saw the movie, Tangled. It is based on the story of Rapunzel, the princess with the long, golden hair. "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair." The movie was funny, adventurous, and dramatic. I highly recommend it for kids and adults alike.

Communication Tricks Before Recovery

Photo source

I hate to admit it but the witch in the movie, who held Rapunzel hostage in a high tower for the first eighteen years of her life, reminded me of me! The witch was nicey, nicey to every one's face and schemed and manipulated behind their backs. If I was ever an expert at anything in my life, being passive-aggressive was it. "Kill them with kindness" had a whole different meaning for me than I think it was meant to have.

I grew up with a aggressive father and a passive mother. I picked up traits from both of them and ended up being a well-blended mix of both. A mutt of unhealthy communication skills, if you will. My bag of tricks contained all of the following:

verbal attacks
threats
guilt trips
silent treatments
sarcasms
cynicism
negativity
vengeful acts against people that may or may not know about them
and most confusing to those around me, like the witch in the movie did, I was an expert at taking verbal jabs at others and quickly following them up with an innocent smile and a "I'm just kidding" lie. I did this to express my anger but gave myself a way out in case they didn't like what I said. Fear of what people thought of me played a huge roll in my unhealthy communication style.

Thinking about the way I was, let alone writing about it here, makes me cringe and feel a bit nauseous.

Communication Tools In Recovery

Source

However, in the past few years I have learned new, healthier ways to communicate, including:

beginning statements with "I" instead of "You." For example, "I feel uncomfortable when you belittle her in front of me" rather than "You're so mean to her. You're a jerk."
avoiding all or nothing qualifiers such as "always" and "never." For example, "I always do everything around here" or "I never get to do what I want." For me, all or nothing statements are rarely true or simply gross over-exaggerations, which give the other person an opportunity to respond with specific examples that prove my statements false. So, I try not to even go there. Really, it is a subtle form of dishonesty.
asking for help by admitting my limitations to others. For example, rather than falling against the wall with the back of my hand to my forehead, giving my husband my best Scarlet O'Hara impression, and saying, "I do everything around here. This house would fall apart if it weren't for me," I can instead say, "Hey, babe, I am feeling overwhelmed this week. Could you help me by doing this, this, and this?"
which brings me to another facet about communication I learned in recovery: PEOPLE CANNOT READ MY MIND. Who knew? I didn't. I thought I knew what you were thinking and feeling so it stood to reason that you should always know what I thought and felt and what I wanted and didn't want. It turns out that you don't know these things unless I TELL YOU. Amazing! Additionally, I don't know what you think, feel, want, or don't want unless YOU TELL ME. What a revelation! Better yet, what a relief! Not to have to assume, guess, and feel responsible for anticipating your wants and needs is the most freeing thing in the world! I never realized what hard work being a good codependent was until I stopped being one.

I still pull from my old bag of tricks when it comes to communicating with others, which invariably leads to chaos in my mind, my environment or both. On the other hand, when I choose to pick up the tools of healthy communication, I give myself a real chance to experience peace of mind and true love of others.

What is your communication style? How's that working or not working for you?

Happy New Year!

Recovery Blogging and Anonymity - Is There a Problem?

2010-12-18T19:14:00.002-06:00

What is your motivation for blogging about your recovery journey?

My motivation for blogging is simply to share my experience, strength and hope with those who still suffer, as I am called to do in Step 12.

What are your thoughts regarding the anonymity of yourself and others both online and off?

In my experience, many of the non-online recovery meetings I attend -- you know, the ones I actually have to get into my car, drive to, and see people face to face at -- have incorporated the following into their meeting format announcements on anonymity: "do not disclose what you hear here or who you see here without that person's expressed consent."

For example, even something as basic as me asking my sponsor who she saw at a meeting would result in this response from her: "you should have gone if you wanted to know." She's right.

I think it is never my place to disclose information about other people by any means (Internet, telephone conversation, email, etc.) in a way that will identify them to others who know them (even something as simple as their attendance at a particular meeting.)

Some bloggers write about the people they sponsor or people in their meetings (and even the details of what these people share in the meetings) and I literally cringe. I try never to do this. I try only to talk about me ("try" being the key word here.)

On the other hand, maybe people have given these bloggers their permission to discuss their life on the blog.

For me, blogging is no different than being in an open recovery meeting where anyone is invited to attend. In both cases, my goals are the same:

to share my experience, strength, and hope with others and
to try not to talk about other people and their stories

However, my anonymity is greater protected online than at an open meeting because one, people know who I am at the meetings I frequent and two, if they don't know me they can obviously see what I look like. Neither is possible online because I do not use my real name nor do I post any pictures of myself or anyone I know.

Do you protect your anonymity online and if so, how?

In addition to not using my full name nor posting any photos of myself or those whom I know, I also have not told anyone who knows me in "real life" about this blog (including my program friends, my sponsor, the women I sponsor, non-program friends, family members -with one exception - etc.)

They all know that I do a lot of recovery reading online. They also know that I write a lot but do not know that one of the mediums I use when writing is a blog platform. My husband knows about my blog, he is the only one.

I also do not report specific details about meeting topics, days, times, and what I specifically said in a meeting or to another person. I never know who might stumble across my blog and think, "Wow, (insert my real name) just said the exact same thing in a meeting last thursday that had the exact same topic. Oh wow, this girl said these things in a meeting last thursday, too..."

Maybe I am being paranoid but I haven't yet figured out how to conveniently block my IP address every time I comment on another blog. I know that many stat counters track times and locations of visitors and so do the blog platforms when visitors leave comments.

Therefore, it would not take much effort for someone to figure out a person's geographical location. Although, maybe a lot of people don't know this and in that case, I am going to regret pointing it out! :)

What do the 12 step programs say about online anonymity and how do you apply it to your Internet activities?

The literature of several 12 step programs states and I quote: "At this altitude (press, radio, films, and television), anonymity -100% anonymity - was the only possible answer. Here, principles would have to come before personalities, without exception."

It also says, "The promoter instinct in us might be our undoing. If even one ["self-appointed members presenting themselves as messiahs representing (the program) before the whole public"] publicly got drunk, or was lured into using (the program's) name for his own purposes, the damage might be irreparable." This is where more is being revealed to me.

"...self-appointed members presenting themselves as messiahs representing (the program) before the whole public..."

First of all, after my blog was up and going for several months, I all of the sudden got a weird feeling about identifying myself as a member of any particular 12 step program because it felt like my "promoter instinct" was kicking in...even though I had a disclaimer statement on my blog's homepage saying that I was in no way representing any 12 step program or any other organization as a whole, that my blog was simply my opinions, etc, etc,.

Nonetheless, I went back through almost 100 posts and changed any reference to any program name to the generic words, "recovery program" or "a 12 step program" because there are many different kinds of recovery and 12 step programs, not just the ones I am in. (I am still in the process of changing these references so if you come across one or notice that I slip one in by accident please let me know.)

Now, I realize that it would not take much effort for someone to figure out which programs I am in based on what addictions I talk about on this blog but I am doing the best I can to not "promote" those programs by name.

"...was lured into using (the program's) name for his own purposes..."

Next, if my purpose for blogging becomes anything more than being available in a spirit of loving service to my fellows, then I know I should stop. This is why I do not have ads on my blog, for example.

"...publicly got drunk..."

Finally, "even if one publicly got drunk...the damage might be irreparable." Could this happen online? I guess if I wrote a blog post blog post while drunk and told everyone, "hey! I'm drunk!" hmmmm....
Any thoughts on this one?

12 step program statements specific to anonymity online

One of the 12 step program's statements on anonymity and internet websites clearly says that "as long as full names and photos are not used, the principles of anonymity are being upheld."

Here is another great reference:

GENERAL SOCIAL NETWORKING WEB SITES

MySpace, Facebook and other social networking Web sites are public in nature. Though users create accounts and utilize usernames and passwords, once on the site, it is a public medium where members and non-members mingle. As long as individuals do not identify themselves as members, there is no conflict of interest. However, someone using their full name and/or a likeness, such as a full-face photograph, would be contrary to the spirit of the Eleventh Tradition, which states in the Long Form that, “…our [last] names and pictures as members ought not be broadcast, filmed or publicly printed.” Experience suggests that it is in keeping with the Eleventh Tradition not to disclose membership on social networking sites as well as on any other Web site, blog, electronic bulletin board, etc., that is not composed solely of members, is not password protected or is accessible to the public.

Final Thoughts

In my opinion, any form a self-promotion (i.e., using full name, photo of self, making money, gaining favors, fame, or prestige in anyway) in conjunction with use of any program's name is a definite violation of its stated Traditions. That being said, I have to remember that the programs themselves state that these Traditions are only "suggestions" (i. e., not laws.)

However, if someone is blatantly ignoring the suggestions on anonymity, I do believe that I have a responsibility as a member of such programs to humbly bring my concern to that person's attention for the sole purpose of helping the programs remain safe, anonymous havens for all those who need them.

These traditions also teach me how to consider what is best for EVERYONE involved, not just myself, which is another reason to remain anonymous online and off.

Finally, as with anything in life, I try to remember to work Step 3 and trust that God will safeguard these 12 step programs no matter how badly we may screw them up! :)

Finding Balance and Living Sober

2010-12-11T20:22:00.002-06:00

I visited my family this week, which more often than not increases my anxiety. Honestly, I feel a bit (sometimes a lot) crazy afterwards even when all I do is silently witness the dysfunction and not necessarily take part in it. Although, maybe witnessing it is a part. Sooooo...

Should I stop going to nieces' and nephews' birthday parties, spending the holidays with them, thereby denying my children the fun they experience in seeing their grandparents and playing with their cousins? That answer doesn't feel right.

Sometimes my husband takes the kids out to eat and I do not feel like going whether it be because I am tired, don't want to sit in traffic or deal with the crowds and waits or like this week, I didn't want to go out in the freezing cold weather. I suggested we order in but they wanted to go out. I used to suck it up and go with them thinking that it was the "right thing" to do...telling myself that I was not a very great mother or wife to choose not to go out to eat with my family.

Now days, I rarely go if I truly do not want to go. For the most part, they are alright with this. I know they would rather me go with them but they understand that if I give more of myself in terms of time and energy than I physically, mentally, and emotionally can for too long or too often, I will become irritated, over-fatigued, anxious, and depressed.

God has revealed these limitations to me over the past 2-3 years and unfortunately, they have been extremely debilitating. I am finding however, that the more I accept myself and my limitations and love myself despite my limitations, the more I am able to actually do, be, and give in ways that are - I now believe to be - God's will.

I wonder if what I referred to as "debilitating" - meaning that I could no longer do what I had been doing for so many years - would be better stated as, I just was not doing what God wanted me to do (even though the things I was doing weren't inherently unhealthy.)

I think God's plan for me just changed and I fought it tooth and nail. Change is hard for me, it always has been...it is completely fear-based.

In my experience, whenever I am not in line with God's will, I am usually anxious and/or angry. And whenever I am in line with God's will, I am at peace. Someone sitting around the tables once visually demonstrated how she feels while not in line with God's will by tensing up and holding on to the edge of the table with a death grip. She went on to say that when she is in line with God's will it feels like, "Ahhh" and let out a big relaxing sigh, relaxed her shoulders, closed her eyes and smiled. I feel that way, too.

Fighting, denying, being angry about who I am, how I am made, what is good for me and not good for me in terms of my spiritual state, must have taken so much energy from me! Now that I am (on most days) no longer fighting, denying, and being angry with who I am, I feel myself healing and getting better but, as I stated above, not in a way that allows me to go back to doing the activities I thought I should be doing like working, volunteering time I don't have, socializing needlessly with acquaintances, and signing the kids up in too many activities.

Rather, I find myself being able to be a more patient and loving mom, a mom that has the time and energy to sit down and get eye-to-eye with her children and really listen to them, a mom that can say, "Sure, you can have a sleepover with your friends at our house" and really mean it and not freak out once I have a couple of eight year old girls giggling until two o'clock in the morning.

I also find myself being a more fun-loving wife and an equal partner in my marriage instead of being either a total control freak or a helpless victim unable to even get out of bed in the morning.

What would usually happen is I would go, go, go because I felt guilty about not being able to contribute financially to our household and then I would crash and not be able to do anything around the house or with the kids for days or weeks at a time. This would compound my guilt and once I was back on my feet, the whole cycle would start all over again.

Why is it that alcoholics in particular tend to have a difficult time finding the middle ground on most things? (a rhetorical question, but feel free to share any of your personal experiences regarding this thought.)

Thanks for reading and I wish you a happy, joyous, and well-balanced week!

Experience, Strength, and Hope

Sobriety, Emotional and Mental Disorders

Alcoholism, Mental Illness and Recovery

Do Alcoholics Have the Option to Choose Self Control?

Sober Time Flies

Serenity in Sobriety - Is Love All You Need?

Alcoholism, Sobriety, and Recovery - a Step Ten Spiritual Experience

The Three Legged Stool: How to Dismantle Your Program, or The Yellow Brick Road to Hell

Alcoholism and Mental Illness: A Double Edged Sword

My Sober Week

quoteflections: Gratitude is not for Wimps

Sobriety and Life Tie the Knot

Responsibilities in Sobriety - Grumblings versus Gratitude

Alcoholism and Its Physical, Mental, and Spiritual Affects

So Your Sober - Now What?

Sober Living - How to Stay Serene

Sobriety + Silence + Stillness = Serenity

Communication Styles - Tricks Before Recovery versus Tools After Recovery

Recovery Blogging and Anonymity - Is There a Problem?

Finding Balance and Living Sober

Recovery is a Boat Load of...

Find Joy in Everyday Life

Remain Thankful and Still on Good, Bad, and Hectic Days

Life, God, and Gratitude

Could, Would, and Love

Oh, Lord, Won't You

I Believe in Miracles!

Thankfulness for Prayers and Footwork

Fear of Pain - Hope that this is not His Will

More Hope and More Gratitude

Hope and Gratitude

Peace, Pain, and Prayer

My Higher Power, My Actions, and Miracles

Screams, Surrenders, and Serenity

Fighting Friggin' Fatigue

Drug Court, 12 Step Meetings, and Questions

A New Day of Attitude and Gratitude - with a side of Sponsorship and Serenity

Alcoholism, Pain, Autumn Meetings

Depression, Anxiety, Alcoholism, Addiction, Solutions

Compassion, Abuse, Love, Anger, and Gratitude - all in a sober day's work...

Blogging about Recovery

"Not my will but thine be done"

I asked for it!

Sunday Gifts

God's Love

Recovery and Nature - Elephants

Recovery and Nature - Ants

Recovery and Nature - Birds

Recovery and Nature - Dogs

"Keep It Simple"

"Live and Let Live"

"Easy Does It"

"Let Go and Let God"

How we feel vs. what we know - One Day at a Time

A Week of Virtues - Day 6 - Love

A Week of Virtues - Day 5 - Acceptance

A Week of Virtues - Day 4 - Faith

A Week of Virtues - Day 3 - Humility

A Week of Virtues - Day 2 - Honesty

A Week of Virtues - Day 1 - Patience

A Week of Gratitude - Day 7

A Week of Gratitude - Day 6

A Week of Gratitude - Day 5

A Week in Gratitude - Day 4

A Week of Gratitude - Day 3

A Week of Gratitude - Day 2

A Week of Gratitude Day 1

What's Your Problem?

Growing Pains

That Peaceful, Easy Feeling

My Tuesday Hangover

Sunday Gratitude

We are not a Glum Lot

Rushing Around