Sixth Step

My experience with step six seems to always involve praying for the willingness to want God to remove my character defects . Sometimes I even have to pray for the willingness to be willing to pray for the willingness to have Him remove them. Step 6 is so much harder for me than 7 because in 6 I have to become ready, I have to be willing, I have to want God to change me and until that happens, not much happens except for maybe an increase in my levels of irritability and discontentment.

For the last several months I have been praying for God to help me become entirely ready to quit smoking. He has done that for me. I went from not wanting to quit to actually, honestly wanting to.  I have a support plan in place and have been quit for ten days now, one day at a time.

Currently, I am praying for help to become entirely ready to have God remove my character defect of guilt, which I have over being sick and unavailable to my 2 school-age children several times a month due to chronic, migraines (which are not my fault unless I do not keep vigilance on my stress and activity levels.)

So, I either curtailed my out-of-the-house activities with them (which they don't like, of course) or push myself and pay for it later on in the week when the fatigue and pain sets in. Either way, my crazy thinking tells me, "You are a bad mom. Your children deserve someone better; someone who isn't sick. They are getting short-changed because of you."  Hence, the guilt, which triggers and then so eloquently cycles with anger and self-pity (over not being able to control my physical ailments.)

I am not there yet, but God has brought me through Step 6 with so many other defects that I have no reason to believe He won't see me through this one, too.

What is your experience with step six or with being truly ready for God to change you?