Finding a Higher Power

The following excerpt from p. 46 in the Big Book says it all for me:

"we discovered we did not need to consider another’s conception of God. Our own conception, however inadequate,was sufficient to make the approach and to effect a contact with Him. As soon as we admitted the possible existence of a Creative Intelligence, a Spirit of the Universe underlying the totality of things, we began to be possessed of a new sense of power and direction, provided we took other simple steps."

For me, this meant that I had to

1) Let go of every idea about God that I ever had.
2) Let go of everyone else's idea of God that I was exposed to.
3) Admit to the possibility of this power's existence only - not to what it is or isn't, but just to that it may or does exist.
4) Ask that power to reveal itself to me.
5) Continually work the 12 steps (so that I can perceive that power as it reveals itself to me and so that I can stay in contact with that power from then on.)

Beyond this I wonder if there is any other way to explain or describe my experience that would be of use to someone else. Would it be futile to share my concept of my higher power if my concept only works for me? Would it be a waste of time for anyone else to try and use my concept of my higher power for their concept of their higher power?

A definition of "concept" states:

"A general idea derived or inferred from specific instances or occurrences."

My concept of my higher power is based on my personal "instances and occurences", and I assume yours would be based off of your personal "instances and occurences", but I don't know. I know that I don't know. What I do suggest, however, especially if you are 1) new or 2) having difficulty connecting with your higher power is to drop all that you think that you know about this power, and then ask it to reveal (or re-reveal) itself to you.

And for goodness sakes, please make sure you are working the steps on a continuous basis. That is our part - our ONLY part; the steps are the "footwork." God takes care of the rest as it is stated in the continuation of the aforementioned excerpt:

"We found that God does not make too hard terms with those who seek Him. To us, the Realm of Spirit is broad, roomy, all inclusive; never exclusive or forbidding to those who earnestly seek. It is open, we believe, to all men.”

How did I used seek this power? By working the rules of various churches, retreats, and revivals - all of which work for many people, I have no doubt - and by working my insane rules of getting my way (i.e., bargaining, begging, pleading, crying) which never lead me to finding God.  For me and for most alcoholics I know, the only thing that enables us to find our higher power is the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.

So, if you are an alcoholic, I encourage you to seek your higher power by working ALL of the Steps because

"rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.......If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it -- then you are ready to take certain steps."

Newly Sober

When I was newly sober:

- I went to as many meetings as possible, always in awe of how the people in those meetings talked about having or having had the same feelings and experiences as I was having. I heard over and over and over again how long term sobriety is precarious without working the steps. I also heard that I needed to work the steps with a sponsor. So, after 30 days...

- I got a sponsor

- called her everyday for the first month or two

- and started working the steps with her.

- I joined a homegroup within the first month. For a long time my homegroup was a Big Book study. Currently, it is a 12 Step study. I recommend any newcomer to go to at least one Big Book and one 12 Step meeting every week (in addition to any other meetings you go to.)

- I helped set up and clean up before/after meetings or at least came a bit early to smile at some familiar faces (I was so shy and insecure that talking was too much for me.)

- I journaled daily.

- Every morning, I asked God to help me stay sober, safe and sane

- and thanked him for my day of sobriety every night.

- I listened to a lot of speaker tapes, in my car and at home so that I didn't have any time to get lost in my own thoughts, because they never lead anywhere good at the time.

- I identified my triggers and with my sponsor's help came up with a plan of action for each.

- I referred quite often to a thin, yellow book called "Living Sober: Some methods A.A. members have used for not drinking," published by A.A. World Services.

I still do most of these things almost eight years later. They worked for me then and still do, and for that I am grateful.

What did you do to cope when you were first sober?

Sixth Step

My experience with step six seems to always involve praying for the willingness to want God to remove my character defects . Sometimes I even have to pray for the willingness to be willing to pray for the willingness to have Him remove them. Step 6 is so much harder for me than 7 because in 6 I have to become ready, I have to be willing, I have to want God to change me and until that happens, not much happens except for maybe an increase in my levels of irritability and discontentment.

For the last several months I have been praying for God to help me become entirely ready to quit smoking. He has done that for me. I went from not wanting to quit to actually, honestly wanting to.  I have a support plan in place and have been quit for ten days now, one day at a time.

Currently, I am praying for help to become entirely ready to have God remove my character defect of guilt, which I have over being sick and unavailable to my 2 school-age children several times a month due to chronic, migraines (which are not my fault unless I do not keep vigilance on my stress and activity levels.)

So, I either curtailed my out-of-the-house activities with them (which they don't like, of course) or push myself and pay for it later on in the week when the fatigue and pain sets in. Either way, my crazy thinking tells me, "You are a bad mom. Your children deserve someone better; someone who isn't sick. They are getting short-changed because of you."  Hence, the guilt, which triggers and then so eloquently cycles with anger and self-pity (over not being able to control my physical ailments.)

I am not there yet, but God has brought me through Step 6 with so many other defects that I have no reason to believe He won't see me through this one, too.

What is your experience with step six or with being truly ready for God to change you?

A Quick Thought on Meditation

Recently, I began focusing on my breath during meditation. Breathe in and out. In and out. Concentrating on the air filling my center. And when other thoughts come to mind, as they usually do, I simply notice them like I would a piece of chewed gum on the sidewalk - stepping over those thoughts and then returning to my breath.

When I first began this practice I saw those chewed pieces of gum every where, and many would stick to my shoe, too! :)

Now, on good days, I don't see any gum at all, and on really good days I become so relaxed and centered that I doze off after about 20 minutes!

What do you focus on during your meditations?

Alcoholic Perfectionism

Who has it?

 

Me!  I am my own worst critic (as the cliche says.) I find that the harder I am on myself and the more expectations I have of myself then the more I expect from others. Goes to show that when something is bothering me about the actions (or non-actions) of others, I really DO need to look at what is going on within myself.

 

This week is a good example. I have been lonely (still not sure why); restless and anxious (probably because the kids are now on summer vacation,) which leads to mental, physical, and emotional exhaustion for me, which significantly depletes my spiritual reserves.

 

My expectations for myself have been very high lately. Examples, include: to be ok with groups of 11-year-old girls coming in and out of my house all day (after all, I like knowing where they are and what they are doing - i.e., control. :) I am also on the other side of a severe depressive episode, and feel guilty for not doing more than my share of the housework to make up for my lack of it over the last year (even though those expectations are mine alone, and my husband would be glad to help if I'd just ask. But, no, instead I made snide remarks and played the martyr this morning about all of the things on my plate today. Later, when I made amends, I told him I was overwhelmed and we had a good talk.)

 

I know that I need time to myself each day to connect to my Higher Power, and with the kids home now, I just don't get it. And that statement just made me realize why I am feeling lonely (I miss my God.)  I think I may need to work Step 11 extra hard this summer. :)

 

In what ways does your fear of making mistakes or of not being "good enough" cause you distress?

Message Out of the Bottle

My last post was eleven months ago.  I have not thought about this blog more than a handful of times since then, but this week it kept popping up in my mind.  Finally, I followed the nudge to sign in and check messages.

I found out my yahoo email account connected to this blog was deactivated because of non-use.  So, I hopped on over here to Blogger to see if there were any comments, and low and behold there are two new ones left just in the last week (when I started thinking about this blog again.)  The only comments before these new ones are the ones that you all left last April when I announced that I was stepping away from this blog.  I find this quite....what's the word I am looking for?  bizarre, cool, amazing, exciting, weird....

Anyway, I hope everyone is well.  I am in a better place than last year at this time.  I didn't stop writing, but only recently has my writing become more positive in a "real" sense versus a "fake it 'til you make it" sense.  I might be finally be "making it" little by little, one day at a time.

Sobriety, Emotional and Mental Disorders

Hello? -hello, hello {echoing}...

I am alive. Thank you to those who have inquired about my hiatus. Recovery is a peculiar thing. Being alcohol-free is not as free as it sounds. For me, it has cost the blissful ignorance I used to have about my true nature.

I have been coming to terms with some hard truths about myself. Some UGLY, hard truths, which I am processing through more so than ever currently. As a result, I have had to step back from blogging for a bit because I believe it is in everyone's best interest to not throw too much crap out into the world. There is enough as it is. And honestly (because it is an honest program, after all :), that is all I've had to offer lately. And ironically, because of the 12 step program, I know that only being capable of slinging crap is ok as long as it is done in a way that doesn't harm anyone, including the program, and as long as I keep using the steps as my solution.

It says in the Big Book, "there are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest." Friends, I am here to tell you that I have that capacity and therefore, I HAVE HOPE! As long as there is breath inside of me, I have hope.

And I will continue to offer my experience and strength to others. For now, however, I have not the strength to do it on this blog. I am leaning hard on those around me. They are sharing their strength with me. It IS "how it works" and it is a beautiful thing.

quoteflections: Gratitude is not for Wimps

quoteflections: Gratitude is not for Wimps: "A team of psychologists is researching the science of gratitude and collecting evidence that it enhances one's quality of life. 'Far from ..."

Ok, all you program people - you have got to read this.  My only comment is that I am glad the medical field is finally catching up with what us drunks learned a long time ago.  Geesh!  Just another thing to be grateful for, right? ;)



Here are some highlights from Paul C.'s (blog author over at quoteflections) post:

"Far from being a warm, fuzzy sentiment, gratitude is morally and intellectually demanding, it requires contemplation, reflection and discipline. It can be hard and painful work." ~ Professor Robert Emmons, one of the study's researchers.

Damn right it's hard and painful work!!! (<-----that comment is mine.)


Additionally, Paul C. writes:

"In (Emmon's) book he discusses 10 strategies to cultivate gratitude which include keeping journals, remembering the bad, learning prayers, appreciating one's senses, going through the right motions which will lead to positive emotions."


This just gave me a chuckle - in a good way - as well as made me grateful that people, both in the rooms of recovery and in the normal world, continue to spread the message about the benefits of an "attitude of gratitude."


One last thing...I just recently found Paul's blog and I thoroughly enjoy it.  quoteflections is "a regular eclectic mind fix," as stated in its subtitle. 

Thanks, Paul.  I am grateful for you and your blog!

Sobriety and Life Tie the Knot

Sober living is hard, enjoyable, stressful, serene, tough, and simple.  How can it be so many opposing things?  It can for me because it is life, a mysterious experience of co-existing joy and sorrow, suffering and relief, pain and serenity.  It is real, it is now, and it is unpredictable.

I am going on seven consecutive weeks of family illnesses, snow days, holidays, birthdays, and crises - all the usual life events - with no end yet in sight.  I want to run away via the bottle, the car, or in my really low spots, death. 

Thank goodness God has other plans for me. Otherwise, I would be writing this drunk, from a deserted island, or not at all.

I have a lot to complain about…many things I don’t like but as my sponsor says, I “don’t have to like it.”  I also have a lot to be grateful for…many things that I do like…and when I focus on those aspects of my life I have a real chance at conforming to God’s will - staying sober, living with my family, and remaining alive.

How do I keep my focus on the positives?  I have only one answer:

by working the 12 steps:

1. Admitting my powerlessness
2. Believing God will restore me to sanity
3. Trusting in His will
4. Completing a thorough self-appraisal
5. Calling my sponsor/telling her everything
6. Being willing for God to improve my character
7. Asking Him to improve my character
8. Making a list of those whom I have harmed
9. Making amends when appropriate
10. Performing repeated self-appraisals
11. Praying and meditating
12. Practicing these principles in all areas of my life and carrying the message to other alcoholics through service work (going to meetings to share and listen, sponsoring other women, writing these blog posts, etc.)

A long time ago, life handed me a rope and sometimes I swing joyfully from it like a child and sometimes I am tempted to noose it and hang myself.  Right now, I am tying a knot in the end of it and hanging on…while God and those who love me stand underneath with open arms, waiting to catch me if I fall. 

What more could I ask for?

Communication Styles - Tricks Before Recovery versus Tools After Recovery

I haven't read any sober blogs in two weeks and I miss it!  I can't wait to catch up today.  I hope everyone had a blessed Holiday Season.  Mine was busy with God, family, gifts, food, shopping, decorating, cleaning, more family, more cleaning, and hanging out with my husband and kids. 

Last week we saw the movie, Tangled.  It is based on the story of Rapunzel, the princess with the long, golden hair.  "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair."  The movie was funny, adventurous, and dramatic.  I highly recommend it for kids and adults alike.

Communication Tricks Before Recovery


Photo source

I hate to admit it but the witch in the movie, who held Rapunzel hostage in a high tower for the first eighteen years of her life, reminded me of me!  The witch was nicey, nicey to every one's face and schemed and manipulated behind their backs.  If I was ever an expert at anything in my life, being passive-aggressive was it.  "Kill them with kindness" had a whole different meaning for me than I think it was meant to have.

I grew up with a aggressive father and a passive mother.  I picked up traits from both of them and ended up being a well-blended mix of both.  A mutt of unhealthy communication skills, if you will.  My bag of tricks contained all of the following:

• verbal attacks
• threats
• guilt trips
• silent treatments
• sarcasms
• cynicism
• negativity
• vengeful acts against people that may or may not know about them
• and most confusing to those around me, like the witch in the movie did, I was an expert at taking verbal jabs at others and quickly following them up with an innocent smile and a "I'm just kidding" lie.  I did this to express my anger but gave myself a way out in case they didn't like what I said.  Fear of what people thought of me played a huge roll in my unhealthy communication style.

Thinking about the way I was, let alone writing about it here, makes me cringe and feel a bit nauseous. 


Communication Tools In Recovery



Source

However, in the past few years I have learned new, healthier ways to communicate, including:

• beginning statements with "I" instead of "You."  For example, "I feel uncomfortable when you belittle her in front of me" rather than "You're so mean to her.  You're a jerk."
• avoiding all or nothing qualifiers such as "always" and "never."  For example, "I always do everything around here" or "I never get to do what I want."  For me, all or nothing statements are rarely true or simply gross over-exaggerations, which give the other person an opportunity to respond with specific examples that prove my statements false.  So, I try not to even go there.  Really, it is a subtle form of dishonesty.
• asking for help by admitting my limitations to others.  For example, rather than falling against the wall with the back of my hand to my forehead, giving my husband my best Scarlet O'Hara impression, and saying, "I do everything around here.  This house would fall apart if it weren't for me," I can instead say, "Hey, babe, I am feeling overwhelmed this week.  Could you help me by doing this, this, and this?" 
• which brings me to another facet about communication I learned in recovery:  PEOPLE CANNOT READ MY MIND.  Who knew?  I didn't.  I thought I knew what you were thinking and feeling so it stood to reason that you should always know what I thought and felt and what I wanted and didn't want.  It turns out that you don't know these things unless I TELL YOU.  Amazing!  Additionally, I don't know what you think, feel, want, or don't want unless YOU TELL ME.  What a revelation!  Better yet, what a relief!  Not to have to assume, guess, and feel responsible for anticipating your wants and needs is the most freeing thing in the world!  I never realized what hard work being a good codependent was until I stopped being one.

I still pull from my old bag of tricks when it comes to communicating with others, which invariably leads to chaos in my mind, my environment or both.  On the other hand, when I choose to pick up the tools of healthy communication, I give myself a real chance to experience peace of mind and true love of others.

What is your communication style?  How's that working or not working for you?

Happy New Year!

Recovery Blogging and Anonymity - Is There a Problem?

What is your motivation for blogging about your recovery journey?

My motivation for blogging is simply to share my experience, strength and hope with those who still suffer, as I am called to do in Step 12.


What are your thoughts regarding the anonymity of yourself and others both online and off?

In my experience, many of the non-online recovery meetings I attend -- you know, the ones I actually have to get into my car, drive to, and see people face to face at -- have incorporated the following into their meeting format announcements on anonymity: "do not disclose what you hear here or who you see here without that person's expressed consent."

For example, even something as basic as me asking my sponsor who she saw at a meeting would result in this response from her: "you should have gone if you wanted to know." She's right.

I think it is never my place to disclose information about other people by any means (Internet, telephone conversation, email, etc.) in a way that will identify them to others who know them (even something as simple as their attendance at a particular meeting.)

Some bloggers write about the people they sponsor or people in their meetings (and even the details of what these people share in the meetings) and I literally cringe. I try never to do this. I try only to talk about me ("try" being the key word here.) 

On the other hand, maybe people have given these bloggers their permission to discuss their life on the blog. 

For me, blogging is no different than being in an open recovery meeting where anyone is invited to attend.  In both cases, my goals are the same: 

1. to share my experience, strength, and hope with others and
2. to try not to talk about other people and their stories 

However, my anonymity is greater protected online than at an open meeting because one, people know who I am at the meetings I frequent and two, if they don't know me they can obviously see what I look like. Neither is possible online because I do not use my real name nor do I post any pictures of myself or anyone I know.


Do you protect your anonymity online and if so, how?

In addition to not using my full name nor posting any photos of myself or those whom I know, I also have not told anyone who knows me in "real life" about this blog (including my program friends, my sponsor, the women I sponsor, non-program friends, family members -with one exception - etc.)

They all know that I do a lot of recovery reading online. They also know that I write a lot but do not know that one of the mediums I use when writing is a blog platform. My husband knows about my blog, he is the only one.

I also do not report specific details about meeting topics, days, times, and what I specifically said in a meeting or to another person.  I never know who might stumble across my blog and think, "Wow, (insert my real name) just said the exact same thing in a meeting last thursday that had the exact same topic.  Oh wow, this girl said these things in a meeting last thursday, too..." 

Maybe I am being paranoid but I haven't yet figured out how to conveniently block my IP address every time I comment on another blog.  I know that many stat counters track times and locations of visitors and so do the blog platforms when visitors leave comments. 

Therefore, it would not take much effort for someone to figure out a person's geographical location.  Although, maybe a lot of people don't know this and in that case, I am going to regret pointing it out!  :)


What do the 12 step programs say about online anonymity and how do you apply it to your Internet activities?

The literature of several 12 step programs states and I quote: "At this altitude (press, radio, films, and television), anonymity -100% anonymity - was the only possible answer. Here, principles would have to come before personalities, without exception."

It also says, "The promoter instinct in us might be our undoing. If even one ["self-appointed members presenting themselves as messiahs representing (the program) before the whole public"] publicly got drunk, or was lured into using (the program's) name for his own purposes, the damage might be irreparable." This is where more is being revealed to me.


"...self-appointed members presenting themselves as messiahs representing (the program) before the whole public..."

First of all, after my blog was up and going for several months, I all of the sudden got a weird feeling about identifying myself as a member of any particular 12 step program because it felt like my "promoter instinct" was kicking in...even though I had a disclaimer statement on my blog's homepage saying that I was in no way representing any 12 step program or any other organization as a whole, that my blog was simply my opinions, etc, etc,.

Nonetheless, I went back through almost 100 posts and changed any reference to any program name to the generic words, "recovery program" or "a 12 step program" because there are many different kinds of recovery and 12 step programs, not just the ones I am in. (I am still in the process of changing these references so if you come across one or notice that I slip one in by accident please let me know.) 

Now, I realize that it would not take much effort for someone to figure out which programs I am in based on what addictions I talk about on this blog but I am doing the best I can to not "promote" those programs by name.


"...was lured into using (the program's) name for his own purposes..."

Next, if my purpose for blogging becomes anything more than being available in a spirit of loving service to my fellows, then I know I should stop. This is why I do not have ads on my blog, for example.


"...publicly got drunk..."

Finally, "even if one publicly got drunk...the damage might be irreparable." Could this happen online? I guess if I wrote a blog post blog post while drunk and told everyone, "hey!  I'm drunk!"  hmmmm....
Any thoughts on this one?


12 step program statements specific to anonymity online

One of the 12 step program's statements on anonymity and internet websites clearly says that "as long as full names and photos are not used, the principles of anonymity are being upheld."

Here is another great reference:

GENERAL SOCIAL NETWORKING WEB SITES

MySpace, Facebook and other social networking Web sites are public in nature. Though users create accounts and utilize usernames and passwords, once on the site, it is a public medium where members and non-members mingle.  As long as individuals do not identify themselves as members, there is no conflict of interest. However, someone using their full name and/or a likeness, such as a full-face photograph, would be contrary to the spirit of the Eleventh Tradition, which states in the Long Form that, “…our [last] names and pictures as members ought not be broadcast, filmed or publicly printed.”  Experience suggests that it is in keeping with the Eleventh Tradition not to disclose membership on social networking sites as well as on any other Web site, blog, electronic bulletin board, etc., that is not composed solely of members, is not password protected or is accessible to the public.

Final Thoughts

In my opinion, any form a self-promotion (i.e., using full name, photo of self, making money, gaining favors, fame, or prestige in anyway) in conjunction with use of any program's name is a definite violation of its stated Traditions.  That being said, I have to remember that the programs themselves state that these Traditions are only "suggestions" (i. e., not laws.)

However, if someone is blatantly ignoring the suggestions on anonymity, I do believe that I have a responsibility as a member of such programs to humbly bring my concern to that person's attention for the sole purpose of helping the programs remain safe, anonymous havens for all those who need them. 

These traditions also teach me how to consider what is best for EVERYONE involved, not just myself, which is another reason to remain anonymous online and off. 


Finally, as with anything in life, I try to remember to work Step 3 and trust that God will safeguard these 12 step programs no matter how badly we may screw them  up! :)

Remain Thankful and Still on Good, Bad, and Hectic Days

My week has been good, bad, and hectic.  It has been good because fundamentally, life is good.  My kids have been off school since Tuesday for the Thanksgiving holiday, which is good because we have been able to spend quality time as a family together…bad because they are kids and therefore, get on my nerves after awhile!

I caught an upper respiratory infection on Wednesday, which was bad.  I am finally starting to feel well again, which is good.  I missed my home group meeting this week because my daughter got sick, which was bad.  I chaired a closed women’s meeting at a treatment facility this week. That was good.

I have chaired or spoke at this meeting several times over the last few years.  Since Thanksgiving was this week, I was surprised at how many inpatients were there.  I left there feeling very grateful…grateful because I got to leave and spend the holiday with my family instead of staying there under lock and key…and grateful because I went there to share a solution while they were there due to living in the problem.

I spent Thanksgiving Day visiting extended family members, which is sometimes very stressful, sometimes a little stressful, and always hectic.  On a scale of 0-10 with 10 being extremely stressful and 0 being stress-free, I rate Thursday’s visit as a 4...not too bad!

Yesterday’s activities consisted of an early morning follow-up visit with the doctor, taking care of the kids while hubby worked all day, then dinner and movie that night with the kiddos, which was hectic.  Today we visited family again (Yikes, twice in one week!)  It was another 4 on the stress scale - not bad!

I am looking forward to getting back into our routine next week, which means things will not be as hectic…hopefully.  I am ready to sloooooowwww down.

This Thanksgiving week, I am most grateful for the fact that whether my days were good, bad, or hectic mattered little to my level of serenity.  The only variable that truly affects my serenity is my conscious contact with my Higher Power.

Thankfully, I took several moments each day to rest in the peace and stillness of His presence.  It is the most beautiful place I have ever been.  I pray for this for you and that I am able to continue to experience the power of Step 11 all the days of my life.

Thank you for reading and for sharing your experience, strength, and hope with me!

"Be still and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10)

Thankfulness for Prayers and Footwork

I am so grateful to read the comments from fellow migraine sufferers.  Thank you.  Your words make me feel less alone.  The good news is my doctor has discontinued the medicine that didn't allow me to take any Alleve, which is the only thing I have found to work on my migraines.  My blood pressure has been high, but we (meaning my doctors and me) are not sure if this is due to the pain of the migraines or if the high blood pressure has been causing the migraines.  In other words, which comes first...  So, now that the migraines are back under control I get to start monitoring my blood pressure for the next few weeks to see if it runs high on a regular basis (even when I am feeling well.)  More footwork...

One of the greatest things the 12 Step program teaches me is that I am not going to get what I need without doing a little footwork first.  I spoke with two different women this week (both in the program) in the midst of my excruciating pain and cried,

"What am I supposed to do?  I keep praying and praying to God to help me accept this or to take it away, whatever His will may be." 

They both responded by reminding me that I have to take action (in addition to prayer) in order for God's will to be carried out.  The action I needed to take was to call my doctors immediately and tell them what I was going through and insist that something be done rather than suffer until my next scheduled appointment. 

I am learning little by little to take care of myself in ways I never had to before all of these physical and mental ailments developed.  I am starting to love myself enough to say,

"Hey!  It is not ok for me to be this sick.  I want to get better.  I want to be well.  I want to be - dare I say it - happy!" 

My whole life I have been so critical of myself that deep down I thought I didn't deserve to be happy.  I thought I was such a horrible person that I probably should suffer.  I was damaged goods...the child of two alcoholics, an alcoholic myself with mental disorders, a failure as a mom and wife, friend, and daughter.

In reality, I am not any of those things.  I am just one of God's kids, who was raised by a couple of God's other kids who made mistakes.  I am just one of God's kids, who is raising a couple more of His kids, and making mistakes of my own (although, thanks to the program, I am making fewer mistakes than my parents did, which is progress...I will not reach perfection in this life.)

Making mistakes doesn't mean I am a failure but rather a human being.  Being human doesn't mean I am a bad person but rather a flawed person.  Unfortunately, being flawed means I will experience physical, mental, emotional and spiritual pain and maladies.  Only when my soul is freed from the physical confinements of my body and mind via death of said body and mind at God's discretion, will I be totally free of the pain and suffering of this world.

In the meantime, I plan to continue to work the 12 Steps of the program because I have found this to be the only path to experiencing little pieces of peace and freedom for which my soul so greatly longs.  There are countless paths out there but for many alcoholics like me, the 12 Step path is the only one that works (if we work it!)

Today I am working it by:

• getting on my knees and praying the 3rd and 7th Step prayers and the Serenity Prayer
• sharing the message through this blog post
• sharing the message at my homegroup meeting tonight
• serving as my group's treasurer tonight
• meditating to improve my conscious contact with God as I understand Him
• being as honest, open minded, and willing as I can be
• talking with my sponsor and with women I sponsor
• and staying sober for one more day

Drug Court, 12 Step Meetings, and Questions

I chaired a few meetings recently and was surprised at the large number of attendance sheets I was asked to sign for people mandated by the court system to attend 12 step meetings.  Whatever it takes to get them there, I guess.  I hope they stick around after their "sentence" is up. 

I recently stopped hearing from a girl after her "sentence" was up.  It is very exhausting sponsoring someone who just gets a sponsor because it is one of the conditions of her drug program.  I don't know anything about how all of that works.  I was asked to be of service in the program, so I said yes, as I was taught to do early in recovery.  I think it is a good suggestion. 

Plus, I said yes with an open mind and heart.  I can't judge someone's intentions right away (although I had some suspicions based on her actions.)  Nonetheless, I gave her the benefit of the doubt.  I am sorry for her that she isn't ready yet.  I still think about her and pray for her.

Back to the topic of signing these sheets (which are usually given to the chair person before the meeting starts and they are signed and returned to the individual after the meeting is over.)  I ran into three scenarios that I wanted to put out there in hopes that those of you who chair meetings and sign these sheets will give me some feedback on what you would do in these situations:

Scenario 1:  After the conclusion of a large meeting, a man brings his sheet to me and asks me to sign it.  Since there were so many people at the meeting, I don't remember seeing him.  Would you sign it if you are not sure if he was there or could have just wandered in after the meeting was over while everyone was up visiting, walking around, and cleaning up?

Scenario 2:  On another man's sheet he lists all the meetings, with their respective dates, times and group numbers, he's been to in the last week and the chair person's signature is next to each meeting he attended.  I notice that my group's number is listed from the previous week's meeting, which I chaired, and there is a signature present next to this entry, but not my signature and I know in my heart he was not at that meeting because he is one that I notice is there each time he comes.  Would you call him out on it?

Scenario 3:  So, I have 10-15 people coming up to get their sheets after the meeting is over and I don't know who is who and some don't even have their names on them.  So, I say - "which one is yours?" and they tell me and it is confusing and chaotic and one guy says, "this one is mine" and he grabs another one and says, "that's my friend's, I'll take his, too."  Would you say, "I'll give it to your friend, where is he?"  or just let it go, knowing that his friend probably isn't even there?

Thanks for your perspectives.

A New Day of Attitude and Gratitude - with a side of Sponsorship and Serenity

I talked to my sponsor for over an hour last night after my last post.  I had so much to tell her that my mouth was moving a mile a minute.  I updated her on the past week and a half's events and as I did I could feel a great sense of relief and calm as my brain and all of it's alcoholic thoughts drained out of me like a full tub of bath water flows down the drain after pulling the plug. 

It was so cleansing and uplifting to my spirit to get all of that junk out of my head, to tell someone about everything I think and feel and do without fear of judgement, lack of understanding, or indifference. 

I share at most meetings I attend.  I talk to the women I sponsor and other women in the programs about this kind of stuff, too.  But, my sponsor is the one person who knows it all.  The whole me, not just parts, bits and pieces, here and there.  What a gift sponsorship is for me!  Syd just wrote a great post on Sponsorship that I recommend reading if you want to learn more about it.

But, before you go, I want to share with you my reflections on a meditation reading I came across today.  The prompt was a quote by Madeleine L'Engle who said, "My moments of being most complete, most integrated, have come in complete solitude or when I am being part of a body made up of many people going in the same direction."

It is then suggested to "take some time to examine yourself. When are you "most complete, most integrated"? Return to that place, that situation, to regain the healthy sense of self that is so easily lost in our world's clamor and activity."

Here is my list, in no particular order of significance:

1. when I am at a meeting
2. talking with my sponsor
3. working steps with women I sponsor
4. intimate times with my husband
5. writing on this blog and reading and commenting on others'
6. planting in the garden, specifically digging in the soil with my bare hands
7. reading the Bible
8. holding my daughter (either one) in my arms in silence

When do you feel "most complete, most integrated"? 
I would love to hear...

Thanks for reading. Have a blessed Sunday and I love you all.

Blogging about Recovery

Blogging about recovery is a funny thing.  I have found that although my thoughts reach a mere few of the millions out there, I am disappointed in the low level of interaction among those in recovery in the blogosphere.  I am not specifically referring to my own blog, but the many that I have visited over the past six months.  Business blogs, writing blogs, political blogs, news blogs, fashion blogs and many more all display a huge amount of active networking and sharing of ideas, opinions, and resources compared to recovery blogs.  Why is that?  Is it easier for people to share and converse about superficial and less taboo subjects than about the pain and vulnerability of admitting and sharing about their weaknesses, faults, and struggles in life?  I suspect so. 

If anyone needed support and encouragement, whether in the "real" world or the online world, it is especially those struggling with the affects of alcoholism, mental illness, and the like.  Where is that support?  Why isn't it available in a thorough and consistent way like it is in other facets of life?  Is it too hard for people to devote their mental and physical energy to such topics as spirituality and character development other than during Sunday church services?  Is it "not fun" to look at ourselves, share ourselves (our "real" selves) with others in a spirit of love and service without excepting anything in return?  Is it that other topics, such as news and fashion, affect the masses while addiction, illness, and recovery affect only a small minority of the people out there?

These are just some things I have been thinking about the last few days.  I would love to hear what your thoughts are on this topic, that is, if you care enough to share.

The Addict In Me

Well, I have had enough fun with the new Blogger Template Designer - FOR THE LAST 2 and a half HOURS (while watching 3 shows with my husband - so not a total waste!)  Creativity is addicting.  So is research, writing, reading, scrapbooking and organizing and ...well, let's just leave it at the obvious fact that I definitely have one of THOSE personalities!  I love me, anyway!

"I want every girl in the world to pick up a guitar and start screaming." ~ Courtney Love

Two years ago my husband bought a guitar for me because I told him that I wanted to learn how to play one.  I still do.  I messed around with it a few times when I first got it but had trouble even getting my hand position correct on the strings.  Every time I pressed down to strum a cord it would make that horrible ping-sound, which let me know that my fingers were touching adjacent strings.  Plus, after trying for a short while, my finger tips became so tender and painful that I just gave up. 

So, there ya go, Ms. Courtney Love...this girl picked up a guitar and screamed!  (Probably not what she had in mind.)

Needless to say, for the last two years, I have looked at that guitar everyday on its stand in the corner of my room and thought, “I really want to learn how to play that thing.”  But the frustration and pain from my early experiences at tinkering with it keep me from trying again.  Instead of the quaint little hobby, I once thought it would be for me, it has become a monster challenge that intimidates me more than rationally appropriate.

I want to take lessons but our current budget doesn’t have room for the cost.  I have inspected a couple of self-lesson books and online resources that only leave me feeling more overwhelmed.  Maybe it isn’t the time to learn this skill.  Maybe enjoying the beautiful music of someone else playing the acoustic guitar is enough.  After all, buying a music CD is definitely simpler than learning to play the instrument myself!

What’s that I feel?  Oh, yes…those little pangs of jealousy.  “Other people can play the guitar, so by golly I will, too!” is what my crazy mind tells me.

I think recognizing and enjoying the talents of others without coveting their skills is a lesson that I am still learning.  I often want more than my “fair share in life.”  (I think that quote is either from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous or the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions book but I can’t find it at the moment. Does anyone know?)

(As a side note, I just spent the better part of an hour scanning the first 164 pages of the Big Book looking for this quote.  Yes, it is a fact that I am NOT yet cured of my obsessiveness and perfectionism.  However, I was inspired to slow down and read more thoroughly when I got to the chapter, We Agnostics, where I saw so many things I needed to be reminded of today --unrelated to my guitar woes, by the way-- Thank you, God. Thank you, blog!)

For now, I will let the guitar sit and collect dust until the struggle between what I want to do and what I am able to do dissipates.  In the meantime, I will “stop fighting anyone or anything” --including that silly guitar!  I will instead bask in the “sunlight of the Spirit” as I “trudge the Road of Happy Destiny.”

(Above quotes taken from the book, Alcoholic Anonymous, 4th ed., pages 103, 66, and 164, respectively.)   Hey, I just read the whole thing…I had to throw in a couple of good quotes!

Hello, my name is Marie...

Over the past few weeks, I have been learning about this whole blogging experience.  Do I blog?  Don't I blog?  Why blog?  Why not blog?  After some reflection, journaling, discussion with others, and of course prayer...well you can see what I have decided!

I want to thank my friend, Cindy, who after reading a sample of my emotionally raw writings, still wanted to be my friend and to the bloggers out there who have shown me by their posts and comments that the blogosphere can be as inviting, tolerant, and supportive as my favorite meetings.

Oh, how I squirm under the weight of these "newcomer" feelings!  I know it will get easier, so I guess I will just keep coming back!