Resentments and Dysfunction

He has risen today, and the world is glorious because of Him!

I ignored them my whole life.  Numbed them with alcohol until the alcohol no longer worked for me; until it turned against me by making my oblivion as awful as my reality.  No more escape, not in the bottle or anywhere because "everywhere I went, there I was" (one of my favorite quotes.)

So, I wrote, worked the steps in several programs, with several sponsors, saw a multitude of doctors and health care professionals, yet I remained ill - very, very ill - until one day I attempted the only escape plan I had never tried - suicide.  It was an act of complete desperation.  I was a rat in a maze, a prisoner in a labyrinth of darkness and suffering, a crazed animal cornered by predators, no longer able to run or fight back, for my energy had depleted; my will to live had extinguished; my heart pumped blood and self-hate through my body and mind.  I needed both to stop.  God had other plans (doesn't he always?) :)

I have been participating in intense therapy for the last ten months with the most wonderfully trained therapist I have ever met.  It has been a long, grueling process - one that I am still in the midst of - but I have made so much progress.  Resentments and dysfunction sometimes go deeper than what the steps can reach. "Problems other than alcohol" do exist.  I have first hand experience with them.  However, these problems can never be addressed fully if sobriety is not first intact.  As my sponsor says, "We can always add on to our program but nothing can ever take the place of it."

I am on my eighth year of sobriety, and I am told that emotional sobriety is harder than physical sobriety.  I am knee deep in my journey to emotional sobriety, and apparently, "I am right on time."

Message Out of the Bottle

My last post was eleven months ago.  I have not thought about this blog more than a handful of times since then, but this week it kept popping up in my mind.  Finally, I followed the nudge to sign in and check messages.

I found out my yahoo email account connected to this blog was deactivated because of non-use.  So, I hopped on over here to Blogger to see if there were any comments, and low and behold there are two new ones left just in the last week (when I started thinking about this blog again.)  The only comments before these new ones are the ones that you all left last April when I announced that I was stepping away from this blog.  I find this quite....what's the word I am looking for?  bizarre, cool, amazing, exciting, weird....

Anyway, I hope everyone is well.  I am in a better place than last year at this time.  I didn't stop writing, but only recently has my writing become more positive in a "real" sense versus a "fake it 'til you make it" sense.  I might be finally be "making it" little by little, one day at a time.

Sobriety, Emotional and Mental Disorders

Hello? -hello, hello {echoing}...

I am alive. Thank you to those who have inquired about my hiatus. Recovery is a peculiar thing. Being alcohol-free is not as free as it sounds. For me, it has cost the blissful ignorance I used to have about my true nature.

I have been coming to terms with some hard truths about myself. Some UGLY, hard truths, which I am processing through more so than ever currently. As a result, I have had to step back from blogging for a bit because I believe it is in everyone's best interest to not throw too much crap out into the world. There is enough as it is. And honestly (because it is an honest program, after all :), that is all I've had to offer lately. And ironically, because of the 12 step program, I know that only being capable of slinging crap is ok as long as it is done in a way that doesn't harm anyone, including the program, and as long as I keep using the steps as my solution.

It says in the Big Book, "there are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest." Friends, I am here to tell you that I have that capacity and therefore, I HAVE HOPE! As long as there is breath inside of me, I have hope.

And I will continue to offer my experience and strength to others. For now, however, I have not the strength to do it on this blog. I am leaning hard on those around me. They are sharing their strength with me. It IS "how it works" and it is a beautiful thing.

Alcoholism, Mental Illness and Recovery

Happy Spring!  I hope everyone is doing well.  Life continues around me and I am doing my best with God's help, of course, to keep up or at least survive each moment.  I have been focusing on living in the present, not dwelling on the past too much nor worrying about the future.  Those are some tough tasks for me and not because I like to think about the past and future too much but rather because the present moments are often difficult to bear.

I have a great life and many, many blessings for which I am ever thankful to God.  The difficulties remain in my mood swings and my powerlessness over mental illness.  I asked the universe this week if there will ever come a day when I would rather be alive than dead.  The universe didn't give me a definitive answer so I guess I'll keep plugging along.  Maybe that is the answer; just keep plugging along.

I have a friend who has a teenager who is depressed and he often self-mutilates by cutting.  She knows my history and asked me if I thought he was inflicting physical pain in an attempt to distract himself from his mental anguish.  I said that I didn't know why he was doing it but the reason I did it at his age was because of self-hatred. 

I had so much anger and was conditioned to stuff it as a child that when it eventually started boiling out of me, I took it out on myself in secrecy.  Nobody knew so nobody punished me for expressing anger.  Yet, I knew and ironically, inflicted my own punishment.  Weird.  I never really thought of it that way until now.

Today, I do not hate myself.  In fact, I love myself because through the 12 step program and the examples of those women in the programs, I have learned how to see myself through God's eyes and that is an amazing gift to possess.  I love myself with all of my heart!

However, I hate my mental illness symptoms as much as I hated being alcoholic when I first got sober.  Today, I am indifferent about having alcoholism.  It is what it is and I am so grateful that the solution found in the 12 steps works for me and my alcoholism.

Maybe some day I will feel the same about mental illness.  However, for today, my symptoms are extremely painful and I struggle to find peace in them.  Yet, I remain hopeful.  I turn to God at every painful moment for help and I turn to him at every peaceful moment to give thanks.  I learned to do that by working the 12 steps "in all my affairs."

In addition to working my program, I continue to take other actions necessary to treat my mental illness (going to my psychiatrist monthly, being honest with her and others about my symptoms, taking care of myself to the best of my ability and most importantly, not being too hard on myself.)

I do not have any more power over my bipolar disorder than I do over my alcoholism.  In both cases, the only power I have is in the willingness to take the actions suggested to me by others.  So, that is what I will keep doing...I'll just keep plugging along and we'll see what happens...

Sober Time Flies

Wow!  It has been a few weeks...busy, up, down, and everything in between.  I am grieving the death of a family member yet finally coming out of a full Fall-Winter depression.  I am grateful that my sleeping habits have normalized, that my husband's financial insecurities have been relieved, and most of all, that I am sober and in conscious contact with God.

What are you grateful for today?

Alcoholism and Mental Illness: A Double Edged Sword

“To be a good and genuine follower of Christ, there is no need of great things—it is enough to have the common, simple and human virtues, but they need to be true and authentic” ~ Pope John Paul II

The last two months have been up and down but constantly busy. I hit a depressive bottom a few weeks ago that had been building up for about a month.


I have noticed a pattern of late…every few months I suffer from a depressive episode followed by a month of euphoria and lastly, a slow decline into the next depressive state. Up and down, up and down. Such is the life of living with bipolar disease or alcoholism or both.


I discussed the challenges of having both mental illness and alcoholism with a couple of ladies in the program, who have both, and in our experience it is a pain in the butt!


There are some who will say that the two illnesses are one in the same; that as one’s spiritual condition improves the mental twists of these diseases will subside. In my experience, this is true for alcoholism but not always for bipolar depression.

I had a sponsor who did not suffer from depression in sobriety and therefore, couldn’t understand the mental and physical anguish I was experiencing at the time. She implored me to “get out of myself” and do more service work, to work harder on the steps, especially one through three, to get out of my self-pity, make gratitude lists, and go to more meetings.


I did these things and I continued to deteriorate until I tried to take my own life – after years of sobriety. Why? Because I became hopeless. I became hopeless because I was doing all of the things that make a “normal” alcoholic’s spiritual life blossom into a beautiful garden of serenity. Because I was doing what she was doing and it wasn’t having the same effect on me as it was her.


When I came to the rooms of this 12 step program I had lost all hope, I had hit bottom, I was out of answers. I found hope again by working the 12 steps of the program. I was amazed, grateful, humbled, and relieved. I finally found a way to connect with my God and I finally felt peace. I finally felt like I had a purpose in life – like I belonged here. I finally felt that sense of ease and comfort as I placed myself in the hands of my Creator by doing what was suggested to me; by doing what worked so well for others.

So, three years later when these solutions kept working for those around me and they no longer worked for me, I lost all hope once again. I hit another bottom. Alcohol definitely stopped working for me but how could a spiritual program of love and service stop working? I was devastated, in disbelief, terrified, and more hopeless than I had ever been while still drinking. (Even writing about it now literally takes my breath away.)


Now, almost four more years later, I continue to hit emotional bottoms every few months. I continue to ride the roller coaster of mental illness, which has many of the same strange and peculiar mental twists as alcoholism but in my experience, is not as easily managed by spiritual improvement alone.


The book tells me that alcoholism is a mental obsession and a physical allergy. The 12 steps removed my mental obsession for alcohol, which in turn, significantly reduces the chances of me drinking and activating the physical allergy.


Mental illness is not a mental obsession perse nor is it a physical allergy of some sort. It is a medical disease based mostly on the imbalance of certain chemicals in the brain. For many who have both mental illness and alcoholism, medication, the 12 steps, counseling at times, and a number of other interventions are needed. For many of those who are strictly alcoholic, the 12 steps are enough to recover.


Mental illness is real. Alcoholism is real. They both hurt. They both kill. They both affect all aspects of one’s being, physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. However, not everyone who has mental illness is alcoholic and not everyone who is a sober alcoholic has mental illness (in the brain chemical imbalance sense.)


Therefore, when I am having trouble coping with life and someone’s tells me to work the steps harder, get out of myself, stop feeling sorry for myself, make gratitude lists, help others, go to more meetings and I do take these actions yet continue to get worse, I know that I need to call a professional in for help.


If I do what is suggested to me and my condition improves then yay! for the steps and this wonderful program for alcoholics (I repeat, “this program for alcoholics” not this program for alcoholics with bipolar depression.)


Now, I can hear some of those in my meetings saying, “You’re not unique. Don’t single yourself out. You’re not different.” These statements are true in and of themselves, however, I think many people use them out of context. After all, don’t we say that we can’t drink like normal people? Aren’t our bodies and minds different than that of the average social drinker? And for goodness sakes, our own Grapevine is singling out alcoholics who are also gay, in their current issue. Why then, can’t my body and mind be different than the average or normal alcoholic?


In summary, I want to reiterate for myself a few things that I have learned over the past couple of years:

1. don’t lumped people into a big category pot with cookie cutter solutions
2. don’t assume that I know best about what someone needs to do just because it worked that way for me
3. don’t forget that we are all individuals with particular needs that only a Higher Power knows how to fulfill and sometimes He does so through the minds and actions of those outside of the program (i.e., medical professionals, clergy, spouse, non-alcoholic friend or family member)
4. don’t assume that every solution lays at the end of improving my spiritual condition but that it may be possible for the improved spiritual condition to be but the beginning of a road that leads me to the tangible solutions my Higher Power wants to bring me to (i.e., medication, counseling, major life-style changes, etc.)
5. be humble and try to remember that I don’t know anything as far as what is best for me, you, or the man on the moon
6. ask for help
7. easy does it
8. don’t quit before the miracle happens (or after it happens because for me, the need for and the appearance of subsequent miracles continues on and on, up and down, etc., etc.)

My Sober Week

Photo credits unknown.

Fighting Friggin' Fatigue

Varying degrees of anger, all along the continuum from being minorly irritated to outright enraged, has been attacking my serenity for the last two weeks like guerrilla warfare - taking me by surprise, but quickly retreating seconds after it hits me. 

I am angry about the powerlessness I have over my fluctuating energy levels and moods swings.  As far as I know, I am doing everything I know of to take care of myself except one thing:  Get a regular sleep schedule established.  The biggest obstacle for me is that I don't want to go to bed at a decent hour.

And really that is what it comes down to - like a bratty, little kid - "I DON'T WANT TO!"  Now for those of you who care to know why I'll tell you what I think, but I could be BS-ing myself and just haven't come to realize it yet.  I have learned from experience that I do this to myself often.  But, for now, this is "my story and I am sticking to it" until God reveals more to me, which I know He will.

I don't want to go to bed and get the amount of sleep my body really needs because I enjoy the quietness at night - after everyone else has gone to bed - too much.  During this time, my mind is most creative and reflective.  During the day my body is so busy taking care of day-to-day routines, I know my mind is on auto-pilot.  It is only when there is no child needing their mommy and no husband needing his wife, that I can most comfortably and completely relax and feel peace.  And I love it so much that I just can't bring myself to end it by going to sleep. 

Messed up, huh?

(big sigh)

That's me.  But that's OK.

Today, I am grateful:

• that I don't have to be perfect
• that God loves me no matter what
• that I have a bed to sleep in and a roof over my head
• that I have children and a husband who love me and I them
• for the daily routines that I "get" to do (as opposed to "have" to do)
• for God's grace, which is the only thing removing that anger I mentioned above so quickly - with no effort on my part except to trust God, clean house (not literally, BTW, but spiritually), and help others one day at a time
• that this program IS working in my life, little by little, in God's perfect timing

Love you all.

Alcoholism, Pain, Autumn Meetings

I have been avoiding writing this week not because I don’t want to but rather because I don’t know where to begin. I have so many things on my mind, going through my mind, and consuming my mind that the act of coherently writing about them is a daunting task.

The biggest problem is that I haven’t talked to my sponsor in almost two weeks but not from lack of trying. She missed the meeting we both attend each week and I get her voicemail every time I call her. I am hoping to hear from her soon.

I am going through yet another medication change this week, which always comes with negative side effects such as sleep disturbances, emotional imbalance, and migraines to name a few. I had migraines everyday this week from Saturday through Wednesday along with the nausea and light sensitivity that often accompanies them.

I spent hours upon hours in bed this week with only intermittent breaks from the headache pain. Wednesday the pain actually brought me to tears, which brought me to my knees begging God for relief. And even though I only got about three hours of sleep Wednesday night, relief came Thursday and has continued through today. I am so grateful. Thank you, God!

Thursday the weather was gorgeous here. I took a walk just to feel the warmth of the sun on my skin. I invited God to go with me - I am sure he did. I usually do not go on a walk with out taking my dog along but this time I didn’t want the distraction of looking after him, so I left him at home. I think he forgave me :-)

I took my camera along instead and captured some of Autumn’s beauty.

Today I went to a day meeting, which is rare for me. The meetings I regularly attend are held in the evenings, however, since I am no longer working I have decided to go to more day time ones for several reasons. One, it gets me out of the house during the day now that the kids are back in school. Two, I can be home more at night to fulfill my responsibilities to them (dinner, homework help, baths, bedtime routines, etc.) without feeling as stressed out by trying to squeeze in a meeting as well. Three, since going to a few day meetings, I am finding that there is a whole other group of recovered alcoholics in my community that I get to learn from and become friends with.

I have gotten to know so many wonderful people in the programs over the past six years that I have started to take for granted how much I have in common with them. I remember when I first came into the program how awestruck I was as I listened to people share in meetings about thoughts, fears, feelings, and experiences that I had, too. I remember how amazed I was to find out that I wasn’t unique or some freak of nature.

But over the last six years, after going to the same meetings with the same people over and over again, hearing the same stories, the same opinions, the same old thing from the same people over and over again, I have gotten to the point of: “Yes, I can identify; yes, I do that and it doesn’t work for me either; yes, I do that and it helps me, too” etc, etc…it has become way too predictable. I think some would call this complacency. Not a good place for this alcoholic to be.

Even though the solutions and the stories and the experiences I hear during these day meeting are the same as the ones I hear in my regular evening meetings, to hear them from a whole new group of strangers is so exciting to me. I am finding people who not only have alcoholism, but who also have clinical mental illnesses. I feel like I did when I was new - awestruck and amazed to find out I am still not unique nor some freak of nature.

God is good. He is working in my life. Sometimes I see it, feel it, know it. Sometimes I don’t but not because he isn’t here but rather because I am not here (i.e., mentally in the moment.)

Today, I am here and for that I am so grateful! Tomorrow, who knows? I’m not there yet.

Love you all. Thanks for reading and I hope you have a blessed weekend.

Depression, Anxiety, Alcoholism, Addiction, Solutions

We spent the weekend out of town visiting friends. I love my friends and I love their kiddos. Even though, we always have a blast, what I don’t love is the extremely high levels of stimuli in a house full twenty people for 36 hours. Maybe someday I won’t feel so anxious and overwhelmed by the noise and hustle and bustle of these get-togethers.

I didn’t use to feel this way before we all started have kids ten years ago. I didn’t used to when I was still drinking 7 years ago. I didn’t use to 3 years ago when my anxiety and major depression disorders where under control. But, now and for the last two and a half years, despite working my 12 step programs and continuing to work with my doctor on medication options, I still experience symptoms of the aforementioned mental illnesses daily.


My doctor told my husband and me this week that 53% of patients on antidepressants continue to experience symptoms of anxiety and depressive disorders even while on medication, although the medication does make the symptoms less intense. The other 47% are completely relieved of their symptoms once on medication. She also said that it is common in women for the mental illness to get worse as we get older due to hormonal changes after childbirth and during pre-menopause and menopause.

As I wrestle with the effects of “chronic, recurrent depression” (as my doctor put it) --and I mean the biological, chemical imbalance of neurotransmitters in the brain type mental illness-- and alcoholism, which 12 step program literature describes as a spiritual illness or a sickness of the soul, I often feel like they tag team me. The most frustrating aspect of having both mental illness and alcoholism is when my symptoms worsen, I wonder if it is because I am slacking off in some part of my spiritual program or is it because I need to talk to my doctor about the possibility of medication burn out (it has been proven in research that psychiatric medicines will loose their effectiveness in many patients after they are on them for some time.)

I spoke with my sponsor about this issue and she, who has both depression (although completely controlled with medication) and alcoholism (recovered via a 12 Step program for 27 years now), said that for her, when behaviors and/or symptoms continually occur over and over again or repeatedly for many days or weeks in a row, especially when they are unrelated to any identifiable triggers or stressors that are out of the ordinary, she calls her doctor about it.

On the flip side, when symptoms pop up during specific instances and then shortly pass as a result of working the steps, she attributes these to her character defects versus symptoms that require medical attention. This has been my experience when dealing with character defects as well.

My experience has also shown me that my symptoms of mental illness, on the other hand, do not pass without medical intervention and most importantly, not only do they not pass, but THEY GET WORSE and keep getting worse to the point that I have thoughts of harming myself.

My life is good. I have a supportive, loving husband, two healthy, loving kids, an extended family that would do anything for us, and a host of friends both in and out of the programs who would also do anything for us. My relationship with God is the best it has ever been since I started drinking, quit drinking, and now don’t drink at all. I am well-taken care of by caring, competent doctors. I do service work both in and out of the program. I work the 12 steps daily. I have no resentments at the moment nor do I usually and most days I am not fearful of anything or anyone.

So, why do I still get overwhelmed/over stimulated and fatigued when I am around a lot of people for any length of time, or when I am out of my daily routine, or when I am gone from the house for too long, or don’t have hours of time to spend in complete silence everyday? For me, I think it’s a chemical-brain thing.  But, honestly, I don't know anything for sure.  And…

It’s ok. I’m ok with it. I accept this. I accept me. I love me just how I am because I know that God loves me just as I am and I believe his will for me is to love myself just as I am and to also love others just as they are. What a wonderful gift! To be loved and to be able to love - just as we are...just like God does.

And if you have depression, anxiety and/or bipolar disorders like me, you’re ok, too. I know it hurts. I know it’s painful. I know that sometimes you feel like you cannot bear it one more day.

When I am in the depths of these emotional abysses, I have to force myself to call someone, my sponsor, a trusted friend, a spiritual advisor, my husband…and always my doctor if I start to have thoughts of suicide.

I have to force myself to ask God what is it he would like for me to learn about myself?

I have to force myself to thank God for the pain, knowing that someday, as he already has many times in the past year, he will send others my way who will need someone’s help…someone who has experienced and lived through the type of pain they are in…someone like me.

For me, while mental illness and alcoholism may manifest themselves in similar ways, they have different causes if the mental illness is biologically based (meaning the brain is lacking in certain chemicals that regulate moods.) I am and always will be first and foremost an alcoholic. I work a 12 step program to treat my alcoholism. I also have mood disorders caused by chemical imbalances in my brain for which I take medication prescribed by my doctor . I thank God for both solutions. I need both solutions.

Finally, I must humbly admit that I don’t know anything. I believe that all I am really called to do is to share my experience, strength, and hope with those out there who still suffer. And really - don’t we all suffer at some time or another?

So keep sharing. No story is right or wrong. Every story is important because God uses our stories to bring others to him, whether we know if we do or not.

The paths to Him are many. Keep an open mind, be willing, and be honest and you will find the path that works for you. I promise you will, if you just don’t give up!

And whether I know you or not…I love you all…

Blogging about Recovery

Blogging about recovery is a funny thing.  I have found that although my thoughts reach a mere few of the millions out there, I am disappointed in the low level of interaction among those in recovery in the blogosphere.  I am not specifically referring to my own blog, but the many that I have visited over the past six months.  Business blogs, writing blogs, political blogs, news blogs, fashion blogs and many more all display a huge amount of active networking and sharing of ideas, opinions, and resources compared to recovery blogs.  Why is that?  Is it easier for people to share and converse about superficial and less taboo subjects than about the pain and vulnerability of admitting and sharing about their weaknesses, faults, and struggles in life?  I suspect so. 

If anyone needed support and encouragement, whether in the "real" world or the online world, it is especially those struggling with the affects of alcoholism, mental illness, and the like.  Where is that support?  Why isn't it available in a thorough and consistent way like it is in other facets of life?  Is it too hard for people to devote their mental and physical energy to such topics as spirituality and character development other than during Sunday church services?  Is it "not fun" to look at ourselves, share ourselves (our "real" selves) with others in a spirit of love and service without excepting anything in return?  Is it that other topics, such as news and fashion, affect the masses while addiction, illness, and recovery affect only a small minority of the people out there?

These are just some things I have been thinking about the last few days.  I would love to hear what your thoughts are on this topic, that is, if you care enough to share.

"Keep It Simple"

(I was planning on writing about this slogan and was pleased to see that Brian M. said it was one of his favorites, too!)

This slogan has been really important for me for the last year.  My illness demands that I keep my days simple or else I suffer from migraines, fatigue, irritability, and depression.  Unfortunately, the demands of motherhood and sponsorship don't always allow me to keep it simple.  The last two days have been an example of that, which is why I didn't post anything yesterday. 

Even with God's strength and practicing the 12 Steps in all of my affairs, my physical and mental limitations still control my life.  I am powerless.

I don't think God interferes with the natural order of things.  Therefore, I am no longer angry with him for not relieving me of these limitations.  Instead, I accept them and have learned to be grateful for them since they ultimately bring me to my knees and back to the one who has all power -- God.

I thank God for the pain and suffering I experience due to my illnesses (alcoholism included.)  For it is in this suffering that I am learning the true meaning of humility.  And in the state of humility is where I find peace and serenity. 

photo credit

Thank you to the following bloggers for submitting some of their favorite recovery slogans:

Just For Today, HOW (Honesty, Open minded, Willingness), and HALT (don't get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired)  from  Izzy @ Conversing

Keep Coming Back from  dAAve @ higer powered

ACE (Accept, Change, or Eliminate) from BRB at Notes from the BRB Queen

Let Go and Let God from steve at STEVERONI'S BLOG

F.A.I.T.H. (Finally Allowing It To Happen) from Jeremy at Half measures avail us nothing

How Important Is It?  from Syd at I'm Just F.I.N.E. -- Recovery in Al-Anon

Keep It Simple from Brian M. at The Three Legged Stool

A Week of Virtues - Day 4 - Faith

Faith Definition:  Complete confidence in a person, plan, or set of beliefs, etc.

"Faith is daring the soul to go beyond what the eyes can see."   ~  William Newton Clark

Before entering recovery, I would have told you that I had faith but what I really had was a belief in God.  Others in recovery suggested that I look up words as I studied and practiced recovery principles even if I thought I knew what they meant because quite often I don't.  Faith is a belief in the trustworthiness or having confidence in someone or something.  Belief is merely an opinion or conviction that something is true or factual.  So, while I believed that God was real, I did not have faith or trust in him.

Before the program, my faith was in the "God of Reason," as the Big Book of AA states.  I often find that my faith still gets stuck in my intellect when I become obsessed with understanding my diseases of alcoholism and depression in an attempt to manage them. When knowledge is my higher power, God is not and then my insanity begins.

Step 3, which asks me to" make a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand him," invites me to give up my attempts to control life.  But, I won't make this decision if I don't first "come to believe in a power greater than myself who can restore me to sanity (i.e., Step 2)."  This Step is hard for me because, while I believe that God can restore me to sanity, I don't always have the faith or confidence that he will.  Why wouldn't he?  I don't know.  Why don't I have faith that he will?  Well, this probably calls for some Step 4 work, but my first guess is because I don't think I deserve to be sane let alone happy.  Anyone, ever feel that way? 

Another barrier to turning my will over to God is believing that I have power over my diseases, events and people in my life, etc.  When this is the case, I am back at Step 1 - "admitting I am powerless over alcohol (or fill in the blank) and that my life has become unmanageable."

Power, belief, faith...I have no power, I believe in God, and I have been given a "faith that works" (a faith in God versus a faith in intellect, reason, knowledge, or my own power.)  My only job is to make the decision to use it.  Simple, but not easy.   

"Faith is a bird that feels dawn breaking and sings while it is still dark."  ~  Rabindranath Tagoret

photo credit

A Week of Virtues - Day 1 - Patience

 

Patience Definition:  The ability to endure delay, trouble, pain or hardship.

Like most good qualities and bad, I have all of them inside of me.  I get to choose which qualities to use.    Before beginning my recovery from alcoholism and depression, I didn't have a choice.  My diseases, which held me captive in self-centeredness, chose for me.  To practice patience over irritation is a choice for me today.  I struggle daily to choose patience.  However, my struggle is significantly decreased when I use the 12 Steps as my guide.  Through these 12 Steps, which I think anyone could apply to their life, I:

• Learned that I am powerless over my diseases (Step 1)
• Came to believe in a power greater than myself who could help me (Step 2)
• Made a decision to turn my choices over to this power (Step 3)
• Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself, which is when I saw the gravity of being irritated and impatient (Step 4)
• Admitted to myself, to God, and to another human being in what ways my impatience caused harm to others, including myself (Step 5)
• Became willing to have God remove my tendency to become irritated with Him, myself, and others (Step 6)
• Humbly asked God to remove this character defect from me (Step 7)
• Made of list of people whom I had harmed because of my impatience and irritation (Step 8)
• Made direct amends to those people except when to do so would injury them or others (Step 9)
• Continue to take personal inventory and when I am irritated or impatient promptly admit it (Step 10)
• Seek through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God praying for knowledge of his will for me, in this case to practice the virtue of patience, and ask him for the power to carry this out (Step 11)
• Try to carry this message to others and practice the principle of patience in all my affairs (Step 12) 

I may be impatien(t) but I am still beautiful!

"Patience with others is Love, Patience with self is Hope, Patience with God is Faith."  ~ Adel Bestavros

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A Week in Gratitude - Day 4

Illness is the most heeded of doctors: to goodness and wisdom we only make promises; pain we obey.

~Marcel Proust

Today I am grateful for:

~ pain that moves me to ask for help not death

~ doctors who help heal my body and mind

~ friends who help heal my soul

~ most importantly, God, who places these helpers in my life so that when He places me in the life of others, I will be able to serve

A bodily disease, which we look upon as whole and entire within itself, may, after all, be but a symptom of some ailment in the spiritual part.

~Nathaniel Hawthorne, The Scarlet Letter

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Angel of the Waters, Central Park

Bethesda Fountain is the central feature on the lower level of the terrace, constructed in 1859-64, which is enclosed within two elliptical balustrades. The pool is centered by a fountain sculpture designed by Emma Stebbins in 1868 and unveiled in 1873. Stebbins was the first woman to receive a public commission for a major work of art in New York City. The bronze, eight-foot statue depicts a female winged angel touching down upon the top of the fountain, where water spouts and cascades into an upper basin and into the surrounding pool. It was the only statue in the park called for in the original design. Beneath her are four four-foot cherubs representing Temperance, Purity, Health, and Peace. Also called the Angel of the Waters, the statue refers to the Gospel of John, Chapter 5 where there is a description of an angel blessing the Pool of Bethesda, giving it healing powers. In Central Park the referent is the Croton Aqueduct opened in 1842, providing the city for the first time with a dependable supply of pure water: thus the angel carries a lily in one hand, representing purity, and with the other hand she blesses the water below. The base of the fountain was designed by the architect of all the original built features of Central Park, Calvert Vaux, with sculptural details, as usual, by Jacob Wrey Mould. In Calvert Vaux and Frederick Law Olmsted's 1858 Greensward Plan, the terrace at the end of the Mall overlooking the naturalistic landscape of the Lake was simply called The Water Terrace, but after the unveiling of the angel, its name was changed to Bethesda Terrace.Source: Wikipedia

Growing Pains

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I am still thinking about the wonderful time we had with friends last week.  Long days spent out on the boat, laughing, relaxing, swimming, skiing.  Summer is coming to an end around here.  The kids start school tomorrow.  I am looking forward to some alone time in the house each day.  I spent a lot of time yesterday doing laundry, cleaning, taking care of a sick child, and catching up from being out of town.  Today, I am exhausted and barely had enough energy to fill out a few forms the kids need to take to school.

I don't know who out there has ever dealt with clinical depression but for me, the most frustrating part is the unpredictable energy highs and lows.  There is no rhyme or reason to them.  I have notebooks filled with logs tracking my sleep schedule, my stress level, my medication schedule, my food intake, how many meetings I attended that week, my husband's work schedule, the time of day, the time of year, and other female-specific cycles, all in an attempt to gain some sort of control over my moods and energy levels.  The most useful information I have gained from all of it comes down to what time of the year it is and my stress level (meaning how many demands are being placed on me or how many I place on myself.)

For the last three years, the seasonal pattern has been depression during the fall and winter and as spring approaches, my mood swings upward into some mania and by mid-end summer I am on my way down again.  I am hoping this fall will be different since my stress level has been significantly reduced by the fact that I no longer work outside the home.  Last summer I was forced to quit due to my deteriorating mental health.  I know that I am doing what is best for me and my family right now and that being at home is God's will for me.  In fact, his will for me was to stop working long before I did.  Counselors, friends, and doctors all told me I needed make major changes in my life to reduce my stress.  I didn't listen because I am defiant and think I know what is best.  What a lesson in humility this past year has been.

I am still healing from the damage I caused my mind and body by ignoring the will of God. The support of friends, family, people in the program, working the 12 steps, the talents of excellent doctors and counselors, and ultimately, the grace of God have all helped me this past year, which has been the most traumatic year in my six years of sobriety. 

For me, life didn't get easier when I quit drinking.  Life got harder because I started changing and growing.  They're called growing PAINS for good reason --they hurt!  I am still growing and hurting, some days more than others.  Today, I know God will use me and my painful experiences to be of service to others and for this I am so grateful.

I am grateful to be sober and alive.  I hope you are, too.

Rushing Around

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The last few days I have been feeling out of sorts.  It could be vacation let down among many other things.  Mostly, I feel overwhelmed by the day to day activities of living.  Doing a 4th and 5th step this weekend helped some.  Getting back to my regular meetings this week is helping some.  I am hoping that talking with my sponsor will help, too.  She is going through some really hard stuff of her own and I feel a disconnect from her and frankly, it scares me!


Mostly, I am feeling irritable and discontent.  Not a good place to be but I know it will pass as I continue to work the steps, work with others, go to meetings, pray, and keep trying to touch base with my sponsor.

The kids start back to school in two weeks.  I know my spirit is craving time away from the constant attention my family demands from me and even just the noise and movement they produce around the house.  I pray I can hang on for a little while longer.  I am tired but I am glad God loves me.
Today, I am thankful for:

- healthy children

- a loving marriage

- air conditioning

- this computer

- you

God and Vacation

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My husband was on vacation this week. We were busy everyday taking the kids to various tourist attractions.  Normally, these family outings tax my mental capacities past their limits.  After a couple of hours, the crowds, heat, noise, and physical exertion leave me feeling overwhelmed, over-stimulated, on edge, and exhausted.  (Oh, the joys of depression!)  However, this week, it appears that God removed from me whatever it is about my brain that causes my hypersensitive system to over-react to normal day to day situations.

I became aware of this the day we went to a water-park.  My youngest and I were in the water facing each other and holding hands.  She was jumping up and down, laughing, and enjoying the splashes of water around her.  My focus was completely on her as I experienced pure joy in watching her smile and laugh and jump.  Then I looked around me and as I scanned the hundreds of people around us, the noises became louder, the unpredictable movement of others became threatening, my breath quickened, my heart began to race, and fear began to seize me.  (For those who do not know, this is what it is like to begin to have a panic/anxiety attack.)

At this point, I would normally get out of the pool, find a quiet shady spot, and rest for a while.  But instead, this thought came into my head out of nowhere: “Just focus on D” (my daughter.)  Almost reflexively, I returned my gaze to my daughter’s beautiful little face and gave her my full attention.  At the same time, I was fully aware of the noises around me as they slowly decreased as if someone turned down the volume like on a radio.  Soon the noises seemed far away.  The people seemed far away.  But they weren’t.  It felt as though God encapsulated us in a safe little bubble, safe from any external forces, giving me the freedom to be fully present in the moment with my child.

For the first time in over two years, I felt a huge weight lift from me.  I felt as light as a feather.  I felt peace if only for those few precious moments.  I just realized as writing this that the day at the water-park was the exact date, one year ago, that I swallowed a bunch of pills and admitted myself to the hospital psychiatric unit.

Appendix II in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous describes the term “spiritual experience” as “a profound alteration to (one’s) reaction to life.”  I am going to chalk this one up as a spiritual experience.  God is good and I am grateful!


I’m curious…what spiritual experience have you had?

What does your program look like?

I start “working my program” each morning by getting out of bed.  There have been times even in sobriety that I was unable to do this due to severe depression.  Every morning I kneel and say the 3rd and 7th Steps prayers and the Serenity Prayer.  Later, usually while sitting on my back patio sipping on my first cup of coffee, I read one or two daily meditations.  Currently, I am reading from Each Day a New Beginning, a daily meditation book for women by Karen Casey (Hazelden Press) and The Song of the Bird by Anthony de Mello.

On good days I sit quietly after reading each meditation and listen.  I listen for God to speak to my heart about anything from guidance on a particular situation to what I should blog about that day.  But mostly I listen for whatever he would have me hear at that exact moment and for what I should do when I go back inside to the “real world” of taking care of kids and pets, housework, relating to my husband, family, and friends, receiving phone calls from the women whom I sponsor, and participating my hobbies.

I call my sponsor one or two times a week as well as see her at my home group meeting.  I currently sponsor three women, two of which usually attend my home group meeting.  The same two call me several times a week.  The third is a newcomer who I see and hear from sporadically despite my requests to hear from her daily.

On good weeks, I go to one or two meetings in one program (one of which is always my home group) and one or two meetings in another program.  This mostly depends on my husband’s work schedule since I have small kids at home.  My home group is a 12 Step meeting.  The other meetings I go to alternate their format each week between book studies, speakers, and topics.
Over the last four months, blogging has become a part of my program.  I write, read, and comment to increase my connection with others in recovery.

I wish I could say that each night I worked Step 10 by reviewing my day and list things well done and things not so well done.  I also wish I could say that each night I thank God for keeping me sober but I can‘t.  I used to write these thoughts in my journal each night before going to sleep.  I stopped doing this when my last manic episode started back in March.  My mind and body became too fast for me to sit still and reflect on the day's events.  Now I am taking a new medication that makes me too sleepy to do this at night.  No worries. I will pray, trust, and keep trying.

Pray, trust, and keep trying.  Pray, trust, and keep trying.  I like that mantra.  Simple. (But not easy.)

What does your daily recovery program look like?  Thanks for sharing!

Celebrating an Average Day

I am having an average day, which is a good thing for me.  Not to be in the tar pit of depression nor the electric charge of hypomania is nice for a change.  For today I am level, even.  I haven't been able to say that in over two years!

The symptoms of mental illness have been indescribably difficult for me to experience on a daily basis for most of my life.  I know the current reprieve is temporary and that is ok.  Thanks to the "one day at a time" slogan of the program, I am better able to stay in the moment and enjoy the gifts of the present.  Thanks to the 12 Steps, I have a relationship with God that has brought me through the worst major depressive episode I have experienced yet.  And when this medication stops working after a while (like the others), I have faith that God will bring me through the pain once again.

As always, at least I didn't have to drink over it and that, my friends, is a miracle!