Sobriety, Emotional and Mental Disorders

Hello? -hello, hello {echoing}...

I am alive. Thank you to those who have inquired about my hiatus. Recovery is a peculiar thing. Being alcohol-free is not as free as it sounds. For me, it has cost the blissful ignorance I used to have about my true nature.

I have been coming to terms with some hard truths about myself. Some UGLY, hard truths, which I am processing through more so than ever currently. As a result, I have had to step back from blogging for a bit because I believe it is in everyone's best interest to not throw too much crap out into the world. There is enough as it is. And honestly (because it is an honest program, after all :), that is all I've had to offer lately. And ironically, because of the 12 step program, I know that only being capable of slinging crap is ok as long as it is done in a way that doesn't harm anyone, including the program, and as long as I keep using the steps as my solution.

It says in the Big Book, "there are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest." Friends, I am here to tell you that I have that capacity and therefore, I HAVE HOPE! As long as there is breath inside of me, I have hope.

And I will continue to offer my experience and strength to others. For now, however, I have not the strength to do it on this blog. I am leaning hard on those around me. They are sharing their strength with me. It IS "how it works" and it is a beautiful thing.

Alcoholism, Mental Illness and Recovery

Happy Spring!  I hope everyone is doing well.  Life continues around me and I am doing my best with God's help, of course, to keep up or at least survive each moment.  I have been focusing on living in the present, not dwelling on the past too much nor worrying about the future.  Those are some tough tasks for me and not because I like to think about the past and future too much but rather because the present moments are often difficult to bear.

I have a great life and many, many blessings for which I am ever thankful to God.  The difficulties remain in my mood swings and my powerlessness over mental illness.  I asked the universe this week if there will ever come a day when I would rather be alive than dead.  The universe didn't give me a definitive answer so I guess I'll keep plugging along.  Maybe that is the answer; just keep plugging along.

I have a friend who has a teenager who is depressed and he often self-mutilates by cutting.  She knows my history and asked me if I thought he was inflicting physical pain in an attempt to distract himself from his mental anguish.  I said that I didn't know why he was doing it but the reason I did it at his age was because of self-hatred. 

I had so much anger and was conditioned to stuff it as a child that when it eventually started boiling out of me, I took it out on myself in secrecy.  Nobody knew so nobody punished me for expressing anger.  Yet, I knew and ironically, inflicted my own punishment.  Weird.  I never really thought of it that way until now.

Today, I do not hate myself.  In fact, I love myself because through the 12 step program and the examples of those women in the programs, I have learned how to see myself through God's eyes and that is an amazing gift to possess.  I love myself with all of my heart!

However, I hate my mental illness symptoms as much as I hated being alcoholic when I first got sober.  Today, I am indifferent about having alcoholism.  It is what it is and I am so grateful that the solution found in the 12 steps works for me and my alcoholism.

Maybe some day I will feel the same about mental illness.  However, for today, my symptoms are extremely painful and I struggle to find peace in them.  Yet, I remain hopeful.  I turn to God at every painful moment for help and I turn to him at every peaceful moment to give thanks.  I learned to do that by working the 12 steps "in all my affairs."

In addition to working my program, I continue to take other actions necessary to treat my mental illness (going to my psychiatrist monthly, being honest with her and others about my symptoms, taking care of myself to the best of my ability and most importantly, not being too hard on myself.)

I do not have any more power over my bipolar disorder than I do over my alcoholism.  In both cases, the only power I have is in the willingness to take the actions suggested to me by others.  So, that is what I will keep doing...I'll just keep plugging along and we'll see what happens...

Serenity in Sobriety - Is Love All You Need?

Currently, my spiritual journey has brought me to the realization that the more I accept and love myself, every part of myself, the more peace I experience. I spent so many years judging, berating, and despising my human condition that by the time I got to the rooms of the 12 step program, I had nearly snuffed out the tiny light of the spirit left in me. In the program, we refer to these aspects of the human condition as "character defects." I hated them.


I hated them to a point of starving myself and binging and purging as a preteen. I hated them to the point of trying to slowly kill myself with alcohol from age 15-32. I hated them to the point of subjecting myself to demoralizing experiences with men from age 16-21. I hated them to the point of purposefully injuring my body with razor blade cuts from age 18-20. I hated them to the point of considering suicide several times IN SOBRIETY.


Don't you see that alcoholism is not about alcohol as much as it is about an illness of the mind that wants to destroy the soul using any means possible? Anorexia, bulimia, drugs, sex, self-injury, suicide...it doesn't care which does the job...they are all a means to the same end which is a full separation from the "sunlight of the spirit," from God, from Love.


For me, being sober is no guarantee that I won't die from this disease. For me, the only hope I have to transcend decades of self-hate is to love and accept all of me, including my character defects.

Why? Because for today, I believe that my character defects are present as a direct result of a lack of love.  Therefore, to continue to deny myself of love would merely perpetuate their existence.


The act of loving myself unconditionally - defects and all - will eventually eradicate these defects. Is this not the same thing as being willing and humbly asking God to remove my character defects as it is written in Steps 6 and 7?

Because what IS God but LOVE?

So it is LOVE that will remove them...God's love in me loving me.  Me loving me with God's love.  God and me, God's love and my love - one in the same.


For who am I but an extension of God's love?  God, Himself, said that He created us in His own image...


His image...


God IS Love. 

Therefore, if I believe I was created in His image then I have to believe that I was not created out of love - as something separate from love - but rather that I was created AS love.

My true self IS love.  I AM love.

Therefore, to not love, to not be myself, to not BE love is to kill my true self.

Does this make sense to you? Care to share any thoughts?


For a clearer explanation read the following article.

U N I V I S I O N S: Transcending into Love

This idea keeps presenting itself to me in various ways lately and this post is an attempt to relate what is being revealed to me to my alcoholism (NOT to my drinking problem but to my ALCOHOLISM, which includes all of the illness mentioned above...the eating disorder, bipolar symptoms, depression, etc.)


Thanks for reading and letting me share.  Enjoy the music video below, All You Need is Love by The Beatles.

My Sober Week

Photo credits unknown.

Sobriety + Silence + Stillness = Serenity

After a busy Holiday season with life's normal ups and downs, the kiddos are back in school today and my whole being is shouting for joy in the silence and stillness which surround me like a warm, cozy blanket on a snowy winter night.  My ears soak up the silence like a dry sponge does water.  I hear the hum of the refrigerator running and the tapping of my fingers on the keyboard and nothing more.  My body bathes in the stillness like sleeping newborn snuggled safe in his mother's arms.  Aaaahhhhhh..... :)

Sobriety

However, before I could enjoy such silence and stillness, I first had to achieve sobriety which is no easy task for an alcoholic like me.  I stopped drinking over six years ago and have been able to stay sober since then thanks to my Higher Power and a 12-step program.  For more about my story as it relates to getting and staying sober click here.


Silence

Once sober, I encountered something I never experienced before thanks to the mind-altering effects of alcohol - silence.  I remember during my first couple of years in sobriety when silence was torture for me.  It was like nails on a chalkboard, screeching, maddening.  I now know it wasn't the silence itself that that was so painful.  Rather, it was my thoughts and emotions surfacing into my consciousness, things I used to run from with alcohol.

In sobriety, I found that silence eliminated external distractions - from the television to the kids' loud mouths.  These distraction, although not as affective as alcohol once was, kept me unaware of what was going on inside of me (i.e., my thoughts and feelings.)

Eventually, I became comfortable with silence thanks to my Higher Power and a 12-step program.


Stillness

Once I was able to tolerate silence, I had yet another battle to fight - stillness.  I couldn't sit still for more than a minute at a time, literally.  I was a ball of nervous energy feeling like I would explode if I was not up doing something, anything, from cleaning to exercising to yard work to cooking. 

I remember coming home from work (from a job where I was on my feet walking for eight hours straight) and frantically chopping fresh vegetables every night.  Carrots were my favorite.  The resistance of the knife's blade against the hardness of the carrot and the pressure needed to chop it felt so good in my hand.  With each chop and snapping sound an ounce of stress escaped from me.  I would chop and chop and chop.  Before recovery, I would drink and drink and drink.  I was making progress.

Eventually, I became comfortable with stillness thanks to a Higher Power and a 12-step program.


Serenity

Today, I do not need noise in my environment to distract me nor constant physical activity on which to focus my attention.  Today, I can sit still in silence and experience serenity, a calm beautiful state of consciousness that is better than any high or drunk I have ever had.

Innately, I think we all know that internal chaos and serenity cannot co-exist inside of us.  I used alcohol and the distractions of noise and busyness in an attempt to expel my internal chaos.  Those solutions failed over and over again until I became hopeless. 

It was at this point that I became willing to try something different - sobriety and later down the road, silence and stillness.  All three of which I had no clue how to obtain.  That is until I worked the 12-steps.

Those of you who know what I am talking about - YEA!  Those of you who don't, have hope.  You too, can be rid of the internal chaos - painful thoughts and feelings - that cause you to use alcohol, drugs, food, sex, external noise, busyness, etc.  

If you are like I was at the end of my drinking career, using the aforementioned tactics over and over again (despite their repeated failure) to expel your inner chaos and pain, then you most likely feel hopeless. 

It was also at this point that I realized I no longer had the power to choose to drink or not drink.  My internal chaos, my addiction, my disease, chose for me.  I had to try something different or else I was going to die.  


Be still and know that I am God.

By working the 12-steps, my internal chaos was expelled from me eventually, not instantly.  Consequently, I was able to be silent and be still.  Once silent and still, I experienced a peace and calm like no other.  Did you catch the sequence of that? 

1. Work the steps to expel internal chaos
2. so that you can be silent and still
3. and then you will know God.

For a great article on the scripture verse, "Be still and know that I am God," click here.


"Simple but not easy"

...as they say in recovery because here is the kicker - I can't just do my sobriety + silence + stillness = serenity formula once and be done.  Why?  Because life continues to deal out its bad hands (to everyone, not just to me) which means I experience emotional and mental pain (internal chaos) again and again throughout my life.

However, unlike before when alcohol, noise, and busyness were my only solutions, I now have one that actually works and hasn't failed me yet, thanks to a Higher Power and a 12-step program.

This solution may work for you, too.  What do you have to lose in trying except that which is causing you to drink or use to begin with???

Would love to hear your thoughts on this...

Finding Balance and Living Sober

I visited my family this week, which more often than not increases my anxiety.  Honestly, I feel a bit (sometimes a lot) crazy afterwards even when all I do is silently witness the dysfunction and not necessarily take part in it.  Although, maybe witnessing it is a part.  Sooooo...


Should I stop going to nieces' and nephews' birthday parties, spending the holidays with them, thereby denying my children the fun they experience in seeing their grandparents and playing with their cousins?  That answer doesn't feel right. 


Sometimes my husband takes the kids out to eat and I do not feel like going whether it be because I am tired, don't want to sit in traffic or deal with the crowds and waits or like this week, I didn't want to go out in the freezing cold weather.  I suggested we order in but they wanted to go out.  I used to suck it up and go with them thinking that it was the "right thing" to do...telling myself that I was not a very great mother or wife to choose not to go out to eat with my family.


Now days, I rarely go if I truly do not want to go.  For the most part, they are alright with this.  I know they would rather me go with them but they understand that if I give more of myself in terms of time and energy than I physically, mentally, and emotionally can for too long or too often, I will become irritated, over-fatigued, anxious, and depressed.


God has revealed these limitations to me over the past 2-3 years and unfortunately, they have been extremely debilitating.  I am finding however, that the more I accept myself and my limitations and love myself despite my limitations, the more I am able to actually do, be, and give in ways that are - I now believe to be - God's will. 

I wonder if what I referred to as "debilitating" - meaning that I could no longer do what I had been doing for so many years - would be better stated as, I just was not doing what God wanted me to do (even though the things I was doing weren't inherently unhealthy.) 

I think God's plan for me just changed and I fought it tooth and nail.  Change is hard for me, it always has been...it is completely fear-based. 

In my experience, whenever I am not in line with God's will, I am usually anxious and/or angry.  And whenever I am in line with God's will, I am at peace.  Someone sitting around the tables once visually demonstrated how she feels while not in line with God's will by tensing up and holding on to the edge of the table with a death grip.  She went on to say that when she is in line with God's will it feels like, "Ahhh" and let out a big relaxing sigh, relaxed her shoulders, closed her eyes and smiled.  I feel that way, too.

Fighting, denying, being angry about who I am, how I am made, what is good for me and not good for me in terms of my spiritual state, must have taken so much energy from me!  Now that I am (on most days) no longer fighting, denying, and being angry with who I am, I feel myself healing and getting better but, as I stated above, not in a way that allows me to go back to doing the activities I thought I should be doing like working, volunteering time I don't have, socializing needlessly with acquaintances, and signing the kids up in too many activities. 


Rather, I find myself being able to be a more patient and loving mom, a mom that has the time and energy to sit down and get eye-to-eye with her children and really listen to them, a mom that can say, "Sure, you can have a sleepover with your friends at our house" and really mean it and not freak out once I have a couple of eight year old girls giggling until two o'clock in the morning. 


I also find myself being a more fun-loving wife and an equal partner in my marriage instead of being either a total control freak or a helpless victim unable to even get out of bed in the morning. 

What would usually happen is I would go, go, go because I felt guilty about not being able to contribute financially to our household and then I would crash and not be able to do anything around the house or with the kids for days or weeks at a time.  This would compound my guilt and once I was back on my feet, the whole cycle would start all over again. 


Why is it that alcoholics in particular tend to have a difficult time finding the middle ground on most things?  (a rhetorical question, but feel free to share any of your personal experiences regarding this thought.) 


Thanks for reading and I wish you a happy, joyous, and well-balanced week!

photo credit

Find Joy in Everyday Life

The past week has been productive and joyful. I have been working on some projects, Christmas shopping, and reading. We put up the Christmas tree and decor around the house. My five-year-old daughter came home from school the day my husband strung the colorful lights along the outside of our home and exclaimed, “The Christmas lights are up…this is the best day of my life!”

She reminded me that the little things in life make it great. The big things make it wonderful, too. My wedding day and the days my children were born were some of the best days of my life. However, the excitement of those days fade as time goes by and those memories do not sustain my joy for life indefinitely. I must find joy in living every day, one day at a time, in order to be able to claim that life is good.

The most effective way for me to find joy in everyday living is by working the 12 Steps. Following the suggestions outlined in these steps brings my will in line with God’s will without fail. The steps pave a path that leads me to the two reasons for which I believe that I exist:

1. To attain and maintain conscious contact with God

2. To be of service to others

I find joy during the process of achieving these two purposes. Where do you find joy these days? Is it a fleeting joy or one that permeates each day of your life?

Could, Would, and Love

For the last week my days have been “normal” - whatever that means, right?  For me, normal means that I have been free of any mental, emotional, and physical pain.  How glorious!  Praise God!

The wind is at my back right now and I am so grateful.  I have filled my days with writing, spending time with family, and taking care of day-to-day responsibilities for myself and others with much gratitude and enthusiasm.

I started a new medication about two weeks ago that seems to be making a huge difference for me.  It is as if a switch has been flipped in my brain and my biorhythms are working properly again.  My appetite is normal.  I am tired at a normal time of night again (at 10 or 11pm instead of 2am.)  I fall asleep each night without a prescription sleep aid, which I have not done in over three years!  I wake in the morning feeling rested and I am fully awake within minutes of getting out of bed instead of hours.  My Higher Power has truly relieved me of serious maladies over which I am powerless.

I am powerless over alcohol and my mental, emotional, and physical illnesses.  He removed from me the obsession to drink over six years ago.  However, being sober did not solve the rest of my problems, namely ME.

I always believed that God could take away my other maladies as He did the alcohol obsession but I had doubts that He would because I did not believe that He loved me enough to do so…therein laid my agnosticism.

I was forced to examine Step 2 very closely this past month, to dig deeper than ever before into what I actually believe.  I thought that believing He could was enough.  I was wrong.

The Big Book says, “God is everything or He is nothing.”  I was picking and choosing what my God was and was not; what He would and would not do for me.  Therefore, He was not “everything” which sadly for me (although I did not realize it at the time) meant He was “nothing.”

The pain I experienced a few weeks ago made me admit to myself that I am not a bad person, that I do not deserve to suffer in such a way and that He does not want me to suffer either.  Unfortunately, for an alcoholic like me, the only way I admit to something like this is to be in more pain than I can endure.  (Just like the pain I had to go through before I admitted my powerlessness over alcohol as in Step 1.)

Furthermore, He revealed to me through this experience that I had to surrender to my self-hate (apparently a bigger character defect I had than I realized) and be willing to love myself enough to allow Him to remove the pain from me, for which I humbly begged Him during those weeks. (Steps 6 and 7)

Coming to believe that God would restore me to sanity as opposed to that He could made all the difference.  Step 3 was then very easy to work as God instantly became everything rather than nothing.

Thank you, God!  Thank you, 12 Steps!  Thank you, everyone!

p.s.  I do not think it a coincidence that several months ago I started praying specifically for God to show me how to love others more deeply.  I believe I first had to come to love myself because I “can’t give away that which I do not have” as they say.

Moreover, I know that I now “can’t keep it unless I give it away,” which is fine by me.  I want nothing more than to be able to give it away….to love more deeply.  It is what I asked for…it is His will.

He does listen…He does care…He loves us so much.

Oh, Lord, Won't You

Before my recovery in a 12 Step Program, I used to pray like Janis did in this song.  I am glad that I do not pray like this anymore.  I have hope that my life will end differently than hers.  I do love her spirit, though.  I am having a glorious day and I hope you are, too!

 

Fear of Pain - Hope that this is not His Will

photo credit

I wanted to write a quick post while I can.  This morning is the first time in the last three days I have been migraine-free.  I cannot put into words the pure hell and torture I have endured this week.  I have never experienced physical pain of this intensity except for during labor contractions, which only lasted a few minutes at a time.  The pain from these migraines lasted continuously for eight to twelve hours at a time. 

I am so afraid of it coming back.  All I can do is the footwork: pray, call my doctors and follow their advice and take care of myself by eating well, getting proper rest, and try to eliminate as much stress as possible from my life. 

I am so grateful for having friends and family, who are willing to help me, doctors who care about me, and a Higher Power, who loves me.  His will be done, not mine...  (surely, it is not His will for me to be in so much pain...but what do I know?)

More Hope and More Gratitude

After a severe migraine accompanied by a moderately severe mixed manic/depressive episode last night where hope was sustained only by repeating the words:

I believe.  I trust.

over and over again, I awoke this morning feeling refreshed and more like myself than I have in weeks. 

Today I am grateful for:

• watching a movie with my family last night
• playing a board game with my daughter this morning
• spending time outdoors with my family this afternoon
• not being on the computer all day until now
• not needing a nap today
• not having a headache today

and finally, I am so grateful for:

•  the fact that no matter what is going on around me or inside of me, if I truly believe and truly trust Him in a state of humble surrender, He will comfort me.

Hope and Gratitude

As I come to the end of a rocky week, I reflect on the actions I have taken during the last few days, rather than how I have been "feeling"...

I have been:

Hoping and

• reading (need to read less fiction because it is becoming a form of running away for me, which allows me to block out my present surroundings)
• reading recovery-related material (looking for THE answer to relieve me of my suffering)
• praying (but not as much as usual because I am afraid of THE answer I may hear)

• eating better
• sleeping more
• taking my meds
• calling others in the programs
• talking with others in the programs

Grateful for getting to:

• read my youngest daughter a bedtime story
• help my older daughter put a picture of her hamster, who died on Monday, in a heart shaped locket that she wears around her neck
• watch a funny movie with my husband
• have the money to pay for a vet fee and medicine for my doggie who has ear infections
• listen to others in the program share their struggles with life... ever-reminding me that I am not unique