Acceptance Check

Not accepting my limitations and the limitations of others is something that has caused me great pains, and I know that I am not unique in that. I have found that working on acceptance of myself - and all of my flaws - has allowed me to more easily accept the flaws of others. I'll say it again because I have to remind myself of how backwards I had it for years. I HAVE TO ACCEPT MYSELF BEFORE I CAN TRULY ACCEPT OTHERS. This is just how it works for me.

Several years ago, at 4 years sober, I was in the midst of agonizing non-acceptance. My job was stressful to the point of causing me physical and mental illness which landed me twice in the hospital. The first time, the health care professionals said I needed to change my lifestyle to fit my limitations and my reply was, "No, I need to change my physical and mental capabilities to fit the lifestyle I want" (or thought I "needed"). Needless to say, this attitude is why I ended up in the hospital the second time, six months later.

Since then I have not been able to work which leads me to a discussion on tradition 7 (self-supporting through my own contributions.) I spent three years berating myself for not being capable of working because of my illnesses. Rather than being grateful, I felt guilty for the help I received financially, and angry at myself because I was not able to be "self-supportive."

Upon honest appraisal, pride and self-pity (which is pride is reverse according the one of our books) were the real reasons for my misery.  I will write more about this in a subsequent post.

I am just coming off of a year-long step 4 and 5 journey (a searching and fearless moral inventory and many step 5 sessions with my sponsor and counselor.) As a result, I am slowly beginning to accept my limitations as well as my character defects.

The first frees me from the chains of pride and egoism while the second frees me from the torture of attempting perfectionism.  I work steps 6 and 7 on my character defects, and I work on acceptance of my physical and mental limitations.

How to tell the difference between the two used to stress me out. The Serenity Prayer (Grant me the serenity to acceptance what I can't change, courage to change what I can and the wisdom to know the difference) was very applicable during these times, but I found out that wisdom to know the difference isn't just given to me because I ask for it - I had to do the work in steps 4 and 5 to gain that wisdom. It was SO hard but well worth it.

What do you have difficulty accepting? What actions have helped you come to accept things in your life that you used to fight against?

Serenity in Sobriety - Is Love All You Need?

Currently, my spiritual journey has brought me to the realization that the more I accept and love myself, every part of myself, the more peace I experience. I spent so many years judging, berating, and despising my human condition that by the time I got to the rooms of the 12 step program, I had nearly snuffed out the tiny light of the spirit left in me. In the program, we refer to these aspects of the human condition as "character defects." I hated them.


I hated them to a point of starving myself and binging and purging as a preteen. I hated them to the point of trying to slowly kill myself with alcohol from age 15-32. I hated them to the point of subjecting myself to demoralizing experiences with men from age 16-21. I hated them to the point of purposefully injuring my body with razor blade cuts from age 18-20. I hated them to the point of considering suicide several times IN SOBRIETY.


Don't you see that alcoholism is not about alcohol as much as it is about an illness of the mind that wants to destroy the soul using any means possible? Anorexia, bulimia, drugs, sex, self-injury, suicide...it doesn't care which does the job...they are all a means to the same end which is a full separation from the "sunlight of the spirit," from God, from Love.


For me, being sober is no guarantee that I won't die from this disease. For me, the only hope I have to transcend decades of self-hate is to love and accept all of me, including my character defects.

Why? Because for today, I believe that my character defects are present as a direct result of a lack of love.  Therefore, to continue to deny myself of love would merely perpetuate their existence.


The act of loving myself unconditionally - defects and all - will eventually eradicate these defects. Is this not the same thing as being willing and humbly asking God to remove my character defects as it is written in Steps 6 and 7?

Because what IS God but LOVE?

So it is LOVE that will remove them...God's love in me loving me.  Me loving me with God's love.  God and me, God's love and my love - one in the same.


For who am I but an extension of God's love?  God, Himself, said that He created us in His own image...


His image...


God IS Love. 

Therefore, if I believe I was created in His image then I have to believe that I was not created out of love - as something separate from love - but rather that I was created AS love.

My true self IS love.  I AM love.

Therefore, to not love, to not be myself, to not BE love is to kill my true self.

Does this make sense to you? Care to share any thoughts?


For a clearer explanation read the following article.

U N I V I S I O N S: Transcending into Love

This idea keeps presenting itself to me in various ways lately and this post is an attempt to relate what is being revealed to me to my alcoholism (NOT to my drinking problem but to my ALCOHOLISM, which includes all of the illness mentioned above...the eating disorder, bipolar symptoms, depression, etc.)


Thanks for reading and letting me share.  Enjoy the music video below, All You Need is Love by The Beatles.

What's Your Problem?

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I have been looking forward to having some down time this week since the kids went back to school.  But, alas...a minor playground injury on the first day of school, my oldest now home running a fever (unrelated to the playground incident), plus a husband who's been home sick for the last few days makes for a busier, more stressful week than normal.  It just goes to show that I can never be sure about how absolutely opposite my days can turn out to be from what I expected.  And there in lies my problem:  Expectations! 

Before learning how to "live life on life's terms" from people in the program, I would have used all of the unexpected events this week as reasons to drink.  Feeling stressed out and tired, I would have said, "I deserve to get drunk after taking care of everyone all week."  (I play a great martyr!)  Feeling angry about the week not going as I planned followed by feeling guilty for being angry that my family got sick (like they can help it!), I would have drank to drown those feelings away.  I drank a lot in order to escape from my feelings, especially anxiety, anger, and guilt.

During my first few years in recovery, I thought I wasn't going to feel angry, anxious, or guilty anymore.  I thought life was supposed to get easier and that I would magically be happy all of the time.  Then I learned, as it says in the Big Book, my "liquor was but a symptom."  My real problem is the way I think.  When my thinking is out of sorts, my feelings are soon out of control, usually followed by harmful behavior. 

Later, I learned more about identifying my feelings and experiencing and processing them in the safety of the rooms of the programs and in the arms of my sponsor rather than running away from them.  I learned, through working Steps 4 and 5 again, how my thinking problem (not drinking problem) caused these feelings to grow out of control.  I learned, through working Steps 6 and 7 again, how God can change my thinking so that my feelings stay in check instead of intensifying to levels that cause me to behave in ways that are harmful to myself and others.  I have to let go of all of my old ideas and allow God's ideas (or will) to take their place. 

Take this week for example.  When taking care of all the sickies around me, I have to remember (or be reminded by my sponsor) to let go of the idea that I am Super Mom.  When I can let go of this idea then I am less likely to become overwhelmed.  When I am not overwhelmed, I am better able to quiet my mind and when I am able to quiet my mind, I have a greater chance at consciously connecting with God (Step 11).  This conscious contact with my Higher Power gives me a feeling of peace I cannot describe except to say, it gives me the strength I need to continue to be of service (Step 12), which I believe is God's idea. 

I just realized that in this case, my idea and God's idea are the same:  for me to be of service.  Actually, this is probably God's idea in all cases. (Yikes!) 

Excuse me while I take a quick intermission to process a spiritual awakening...

OK, I'm back. 

As I was going to say, my "Super Mom idea" means I am trying to serve others on my own power.  God's idea means my service to others is fueled by the power that I receive from Him.  Let me think...my power versus God's power... It's a no brainer, right?  I mean, DUH!!!  When I put it that way, I feel Super Silly to even think about doing anything on my own power.  But, like I said before, my real problem is the way I think.

Love to you all.

Swim with me

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I have been extremely busy lately.  I went camping last week with my husband and children.  We had a wonderful time making many fun memories.  We swam, played miniature golf, swam, tie-dyed shirts, swam, and did I mention we swam?  What is it about swimming that kids love so much?  Mine spent hours in the pool day after day, swimming and splashing, laughing and loving life.  I am reminded of the blue fish named Dory from the movie, Finding Nemo, who sang, “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.”  It has been so hot here with the temperatures in the high 90s and heat indices of well over 100 degrees that I had to get OUT of the pool to cool off because the water was so warm.  Imagine taking a warm bath in 100 degree weather!

This weekend my daughter participated in a musical recital.  She made a fairly large mistake in the middle of her performance and was quite upset about it afterwards.  We praised her for keeping her composure and finishing her piece despite the lengthy error.  We told her that it took much more courage and strength to keep going after making a mistake than if she would have performed perfectly.  She seemed to understand this idea and I hope she gained a new sense of confidence in her character as a person as opposed to her abilities as a musician.  I think the former will serve her better in life in the long run.

As usual, God parents me via the lessons I try to teach my children.  As I wrote the above paragraph, I heard God saying, “Yes, Marie, instead of beating yourself up every time you make a mistake just keep going.”  The shame, embarrassment, and self-hatred I used to feel after making a mistake would immobilize me like kryptonite would Superman.  Of course these feelings came directly from my most glaring character defect:  PRIDE (in the forms of perfectionism and fear of what others might think of me.)

Thanks to working the Steps of the program, particularly Steps 6 and 7, my pride, which used to be the size of a great white shark with the same ability to attack and kill, is--on most days--more like the size of a dolphin and likewise, can be tamed but is still a wild animal in its purest sense.  Some day I hope my pride is the size of a tiny goldfish swimming humbly in a bowl of God's love, His Grace surrounding me always, breathing the peace and serenity of His presence in and out, in and out... Ahhh...

Until then, I suppose I will “just keep swimming, just keep swimming.”  I hope that you keep swimming, too.

Dory: Hey there, Mr. Grumpy Gills. When life gets you down do you wanna know what you've gotta do?
Marlin: No I don't wanna know.
Dory: [singing] Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim, swim.

Quote courtesy of The Internet Movie Database

Smooth Sale - ing

This week, I took inventory and laid all my junk out on the table --literally-- in preparation for our garage sale. This evening, while surveying the items that didn‘t sell, I couldn’t help but think about Step 4 - taking inventory, Step 5 laying it all out, which lead to Step 6 and 7 and so on.

Step 4 calls us to make “a searching and fearless morally inventory of ourselves.” For me, this step is vital to making any real spiritual progress in the program.

In Step 5, we “admit to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.”  This step continues to chip away at my pride, bringing humility, little by little, and making true peace and happiness possible for someone like me.

Steps 6 and 7 give me an opportunity to use my fresh shot of humility to ask God to remove my character defects.

Steps 8, 9, and 12 - well, for me, that just means I have more actions to take.

For me, the actions I can take for hosting a garage sale and the actions I take in the program are all simple, but not easy, just like they say. Here are some examples:

GARAGE SALE:

• Go through every space in my house and look in every nook and cranny, each dark, cluttered closet, the hot, musty attic, the cold, damp basement, even the crawl space under the stairs that is full of cobwebs and probably spiders, which scares the be-jeezes out of me!

STEP 4:

• Same as above only replace the word “house” with the word “mind.”

GARAGE SALE:

• Find things that I forgot I ever had like tap shoes from when I was nine years old. Or find things that I can’t believe I still have like those blazers from the 1980’s with the big-honkin’ shoulder pads! Or find things that I have used once in fifteen years but have kept through eight moves like our ice-bucket.

STEP 4:

• Instead of tap shoes, I may find fear. Instead of obnoxious clothes from the 80’s, I may find pride --also obnoxious mind you! Instead of an ice bucket, I may find friends that I never call upon for help.

GARAGE SALE:

• Put all the stuff I don’t want, need, or never use out on the table and hope that someone takes it.

STEP 4s and 6:

• Put all the stuff I find (i.e., resentments, fears, character defects, etc.) on paper and hope that God takes it.

GARAGE SALE:

• Let people come in and see all of the crap I have accumulated over the years.

STEP 5:

• Let my sponsor come in and see all of the crap I have accumulated over the years!

GARAGE SALE:

• Wonder why some stuff sells and some doesn’t. Wish that it was all gone in one morning’s time so that I don’t have to do any more work.

STEPs 6 and 7:

• Wonder why God removes some character defects and leaves others. Wish that they would all disappear at once so that I wouldn’t have to do any more work.

GARAGE SALE:

• Get off my butt, box up the left-over items, load them in the truck and drive them to a donation drop-off center.

STEPs 8 and 9 and 12:

• Get off my butt, make a list, make amends, and help others.

GARAGE SALE:

• Give it away to get rid of it.

STEP 12:

• Give it away to keep it.

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