Resentments and Dysfunction

He has risen today, and the world is glorious because of Him!

I ignored them my whole life.  Numbed them with alcohol until the alcohol no longer worked for me; until it turned against me by making my oblivion as awful as my reality.  No more escape, not in the bottle or anywhere because "everywhere I went, there I was" (one of my favorite quotes.)

So, I wrote, worked the steps in several programs, with several sponsors, saw a multitude of doctors and health care professionals, yet I remained ill - very, very ill - until one day I attempted the only escape plan I had never tried - suicide.  It was an act of complete desperation.  I was a rat in a maze, a prisoner in a labyrinth of darkness and suffering, a crazed animal cornered by predators, no longer able to run or fight back, for my energy had depleted; my will to live had extinguished; my heart pumped blood and self-hate through my body and mind.  I needed both to stop.  God had other plans (doesn't he always?) :)

I have been participating in intense therapy for the last ten months with the most wonderfully trained therapist I have ever met.  It has been a long, grueling process - one that I am still in the midst of - but I have made so much progress.  Resentments and dysfunction sometimes go deeper than what the steps can reach. "Problems other than alcohol" do exist.  I have first hand experience with them.  However, these problems can never be addressed fully if sobriety is not first intact.  As my sponsor says, "We can always add on to our program but nothing can ever take the place of it."

I am on my eighth year of sobriety, and I am told that emotional sobriety is harder than physical sobriety.  I am knee deep in my journey to emotional sobriety, and apparently, "I am right on time."

Sobriety, Emotional and Mental Disorders

Hello? -hello, hello {echoing}...

I am alive. Thank you to those who have inquired about my hiatus. Recovery is a peculiar thing. Being alcohol-free is not as free as it sounds. For me, it has cost the blissful ignorance I used to have about my true nature.

I have been coming to terms with some hard truths about myself. Some UGLY, hard truths, which I am processing through more so than ever currently. As a result, I have had to step back from blogging for a bit because I believe it is in everyone's best interest to not throw too much crap out into the world. There is enough as it is. And honestly (because it is an honest program, after all :), that is all I've had to offer lately. And ironically, because of the 12 step program, I know that only being capable of slinging crap is ok as long as it is done in a way that doesn't harm anyone, including the program, and as long as I keep using the steps as my solution.

It says in the Big Book, "there are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest." Friends, I am here to tell you that I have that capacity and therefore, I HAVE HOPE! As long as there is breath inside of me, I have hope.

And I will continue to offer my experience and strength to others. For now, however, I have not the strength to do it on this blog. I am leaning hard on those around me. They are sharing their strength with me. It IS "how it works" and it is a beautiful thing.

Serenity in Sobriety - Is Love All You Need?

Currently, my spiritual journey has brought me to the realization that the more I accept and love myself, every part of myself, the more peace I experience. I spent so many years judging, berating, and despising my human condition that by the time I got to the rooms of the 12 step program, I had nearly snuffed out the tiny light of the spirit left in me. In the program, we refer to these aspects of the human condition as "character defects." I hated them.


I hated them to a point of starving myself and binging and purging as a preteen. I hated them to the point of trying to slowly kill myself with alcohol from age 15-32. I hated them to the point of subjecting myself to demoralizing experiences with men from age 16-21. I hated them to the point of purposefully injuring my body with razor blade cuts from age 18-20. I hated them to the point of considering suicide several times IN SOBRIETY.


Don't you see that alcoholism is not about alcohol as much as it is about an illness of the mind that wants to destroy the soul using any means possible? Anorexia, bulimia, drugs, sex, self-injury, suicide...it doesn't care which does the job...they are all a means to the same end which is a full separation from the "sunlight of the spirit," from God, from Love.


For me, being sober is no guarantee that I won't die from this disease. For me, the only hope I have to transcend decades of self-hate is to love and accept all of me, including my character defects.

Why? Because for today, I believe that my character defects are present as a direct result of a lack of love.  Therefore, to continue to deny myself of love would merely perpetuate their existence.


The act of loving myself unconditionally - defects and all - will eventually eradicate these defects. Is this not the same thing as being willing and humbly asking God to remove my character defects as it is written in Steps 6 and 7?

Because what IS God but LOVE?

So it is LOVE that will remove them...God's love in me loving me.  Me loving me with God's love.  God and me, God's love and my love - one in the same.


For who am I but an extension of God's love?  God, Himself, said that He created us in His own image...


His image...


God IS Love. 

Therefore, if I believe I was created in His image then I have to believe that I was not created out of love - as something separate from love - but rather that I was created AS love.

My true self IS love.  I AM love.

Therefore, to not love, to not be myself, to not BE love is to kill my true self.

Does this make sense to you? Care to share any thoughts?


For a clearer explanation read the following article.

U N I V I S I O N S: Transcending into Love

This idea keeps presenting itself to me in various ways lately and this post is an attempt to relate what is being revealed to me to my alcoholism (NOT to my drinking problem but to my ALCOHOLISM, which includes all of the illness mentioned above...the eating disorder, bipolar symptoms, depression, etc.)


Thanks for reading and letting me share.  Enjoy the music video below, All You Need is Love by The Beatles.

Communication Styles - Tricks Before Recovery versus Tools After Recovery

I haven't read any sober blogs in two weeks and I miss it!  I can't wait to catch up today.  I hope everyone had a blessed Holiday Season.  Mine was busy with God, family, gifts, food, shopping, decorating, cleaning, more family, more cleaning, and hanging out with my husband and kids. 

Last week we saw the movie, Tangled.  It is based on the story of Rapunzel, the princess with the long, golden hair.  "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair."  The movie was funny, adventurous, and dramatic.  I highly recommend it for kids and adults alike.

Communication Tricks Before Recovery


Photo source

I hate to admit it but the witch in the movie, who held Rapunzel hostage in a high tower for the first eighteen years of her life, reminded me of me!  The witch was nicey, nicey to every one's face and schemed and manipulated behind their backs.  If I was ever an expert at anything in my life, being passive-aggressive was it.  "Kill them with kindness" had a whole different meaning for me than I think it was meant to have.

I grew up with a aggressive father and a passive mother.  I picked up traits from both of them and ended up being a well-blended mix of both.  A mutt of unhealthy communication skills, if you will.  My bag of tricks contained all of the following:

• verbal attacks
• threats
• guilt trips
• silent treatments
• sarcasms
• cynicism
• negativity
• vengeful acts against people that may or may not know about them
• and most confusing to those around me, like the witch in the movie did, I was an expert at taking verbal jabs at others and quickly following them up with an innocent smile and a "I'm just kidding" lie.  I did this to express my anger but gave myself a way out in case they didn't like what I said.  Fear of what people thought of me played a huge roll in my unhealthy communication style.

Thinking about the way I was, let alone writing about it here, makes me cringe and feel a bit nauseous. 


Communication Tools In Recovery



Source

However, in the past few years I have learned new, healthier ways to communicate, including:

• beginning statements with "I" instead of "You."  For example, "I feel uncomfortable when you belittle her in front of me" rather than "You're so mean to her.  You're a jerk."
• avoiding all or nothing qualifiers such as "always" and "never."  For example, "I always do everything around here" or "I never get to do what I want."  For me, all or nothing statements are rarely true or simply gross over-exaggerations, which give the other person an opportunity to respond with specific examples that prove my statements false.  So, I try not to even go there.  Really, it is a subtle form of dishonesty.
• asking for help by admitting my limitations to others.  For example, rather than falling against the wall with the back of my hand to my forehead, giving my husband my best Scarlet O'Hara impression, and saying, "I do everything around here.  This house would fall apart if it weren't for me," I can instead say, "Hey, babe, I am feeling overwhelmed this week.  Could you help me by doing this, this, and this?" 
• which brings me to another facet about communication I learned in recovery:  PEOPLE CANNOT READ MY MIND.  Who knew?  I didn't.  I thought I knew what you were thinking and feeling so it stood to reason that you should always know what I thought and felt and what I wanted and didn't want.  It turns out that you don't know these things unless I TELL YOU.  Amazing!  Additionally, I don't know what you think, feel, want, or don't want unless YOU TELL ME.  What a revelation!  Better yet, what a relief!  Not to have to assume, guess, and feel responsible for anticipating your wants and needs is the most freeing thing in the world!  I never realized what hard work being a good codependent was until I stopped being one.

I still pull from my old bag of tricks when it comes to communicating with others, which invariably leads to chaos in my mind, my environment or both.  On the other hand, when I choose to pick up the tools of healthy communication, I give myself a real chance to experience peace of mind and true love of others.

What is your communication style?  How's that working or not working for you?

Happy New Year!

Finding Balance and Living Sober

I visited my family this week, which more often than not increases my anxiety.  Honestly, I feel a bit (sometimes a lot) crazy afterwards even when all I do is silently witness the dysfunction and not necessarily take part in it.  Although, maybe witnessing it is a part.  Sooooo...


Should I stop going to nieces' and nephews' birthday parties, spending the holidays with them, thereby denying my children the fun they experience in seeing their grandparents and playing with their cousins?  That answer doesn't feel right. 


Sometimes my husband takes the kids out to eat and I do not feel like going whether it be because I am tired, don't want to sit in traffic or deal with the crowds and waits or like this week, I didn't want to go out in the freezing cold weather.  I suggested we order in but they wanted to go out.  I used to suck it up and go with them thinking that it was the "right thing" to do...telling myself that I was not a very great mother or wife to choose not to go out to eat with my family.


Now days, I rarely go if I truly do not want to go.  For the most part, they are alright with this.  I know they would rather me go with them but they understand that if I give more of myself in terms of time and energy than I physically, mentally, and emotionally can for too long or too often, I will become irritated, over-fatigued, anxious, and depressed.


God has revealed these limitations to me over the past 2-3 years and unfortunately, they have been extremely debilitating.  I am finding however, that the more I accept myself and my limitations and love myself despite my limitations, the more I am able to actually do, be, and give in ways that are - I now believe to be - God's will. 

I wonder if what I referred to as "debilitating" - meaning that I could no longer do what I had been doing for so many years - would be better stated as, I just was not doing what God wanted me to do (even though the things I was doing weren't inherently unhealthy.) 

I think God's plan for me just changed and I fought it tooth and nail.  Change is hard for me, it always has been...it is completely fear-based. 

In my experience, whenever I am not in line with God's will, I am usually anxious and/or angry.  And whenever I am in line with God's will, I am at peace.  Someone sitting around the tables once visually demonstrated how she feels while not in line with God's will by tensing up and holding on to the edge of the table with a death grip.  She went on to say that when she is in line with God's will it feels like, "Ahhh" and let out a big relaxing sigh, relaxed her shoulders, closed her eyes and smiled.  I feel that way, too.

Fighting, denying, being angry about who I am, how I am made, what is good for me and not good for me in terms of my spiritual state, must have taken so much energy from me!  Now that I am (on most days) no longer fighting, denying, and being angry with who I am, I feel myself healing and getting better but, as I stated above, not in a way that allows me to go back to doing the activities I thought I should be doing like working, volunteering time I don't have, socializing needlessly with acquaintances, and signing the kids up in too many activities. 


Rather, I find myself being able to be a more patient and loving mom, a mom that has the time and energy to sit down and get eye-to-eye with her children and really listen to them, a mom that can say, "Sure, you can have a sleepover with your friends at our house" and really mean it and not freak out once I have a couple of eight year old girls giggling until two o'clock in the morning. 


I also find myself being a more fun-loving wife and an equal partner in my marriage instead of being either a total control freak or a helpless victim unable to even get out of bed in the morning. 

What would usually happen is I would go, go, go because I felt guilty about not being able to contribute financially to our household and then I would crash and not be able to do anything around the house or with the kids for days or weeks at a time.  This would compound my guilt and once I was back on my feet, the whole cycle would start all over again. 


Why is it that alcoholics in particular tend to have a difficult time finding the middle ground on most things?  (a rhetorical question, but feel free to share any of your personal experiences regarding this thought.) 


Thanks for reading and I wish you a happy, joyous, and well-balanced week!

photo credit

Could, Would, and Love

For the last week my days have been “normal” - whatever that means, right?  For me, normal means that I have been free of any mental, emotional, and physical pain.  How glorious!  Praise God!

The wind is at my back right now and I am so grateful.  I have filled my days with writing, spending time with family, and taking care of day-to-day responsibilities for myself and others with much gratitude and enthusiasm.

I started a new medication about two weeks ago that seems to be making a huge difference for me.  It is as if a switch has been flipped in my brain and my biorhythms are working properly again.  My appetite is normal.  I am tired at a normal time of night again (at 10 or 11pm instead of 2am.)  I fall asleep each night without a prescription sleep aid, which I have not done in over three years!  I wake in the morning feeling rested and I am fully awake within minutes of getting out of bed instead of hours.  My Higher Power has truly relieved me of serious maladies over which I am powerless.

I am powerless over alcohol and my mental, emotional, and physical illnesses.  He removed from me the obsession to drink over six years ago.  However, being sober did not solve the rest of my problems, namely ME.

I always believed that God could take away my other maladies as He did the alcohol obsession but I had doubts that He would because I did not believe that He loved me enough to do so…therein laid my agnosticism.

I was forced to examine Step 2 very closely this past month, to dig deeper than ever before into what I actually believe.  I thought that believing He could was enough.  I was wrong.

The Big Book says, “God is everything or He is nothing.”  I was picking and choosing what my God was and was not; what He would and would not do for me.  Therefore, He was not “everything” which sadly for me (although I did not realize it at the time) meant He was “nothing.”

The pain I experienced a few weeks ago made me admit to myself that I am not a bad person, that I do not deserve to suffer in such a way and that He does not want me to suffer either.  Unfortunately, for an alcoholic like me, the only way I admit to something like this is to be in more pain than I can endure.  (Just like the pain I had to go through before I admitted my powerlessness over alcohol as in Step 1.)

Furthermore, He revealed to me through this experience that I had to surrender to my self-hate (apparently a bigger character defect I had than I realized) and be willing to love myself enough to allow Him to remove the pain from me, for which I humbly begged Him during those weeks. (Steps 6 and 7)

Coming to believe that God would restore me to sanity as opposed to that He could made all the difference.  Step 3 was then very easy to work as God instantly became everything rather than nothing.

Thank you, God!  Thank you, 12 Steps!  Thank you, everyone!

p.s.  I do not think it a coincidence that several months ago I started praying specifically for God to show me how to love others more deeply.  I believe I first had to come to love myself because I “can’t give away that which I do not have” as they say.

Moreover, I know that I now “can’t keep it unless I give it away,” which is fine by me.  I want nothing more than to be able to give it away….to love more deeply.  It is what I asked for…it is His will.

He does listen…He does care…He loves us so much.

More Hope and More Gratitude

After a severe migraine accompanied by a moderately severe mixed manic/depressive episode last night where hope was sustained only by repeating the words:

I believe.  I trust.

over and over again, I awoke this morning feeling refreshed and more like myself than I have in weeks. 

Today I am grateful for:

• watching a movie with my family last night
• playing a board game with my daughter this morning
• spending time outdoors with my family this afternoon
• not being on the computer all day until now
• not needing a nap today
• not having a headache today

and finally, I am so grateful for:

•  the fact that no matter what is going on around me or inside of me, if I truly believe and truly trust Him in a state of humble surrender, He will comfort me.

Depression, Anxiety, Alcoholism, Addiction, Solutions

We spent the weekend out of town visiting friends. I love my friends and I love their kiddos. Even though, we always have a blast, what I don’t love is the extremely high levels of stimuli in a house full twenty people for 36 hours. Maybe someday I won’t feel so anxious and overwhelmed by the noise and hustle and bustle of these get-togethers.

I didn’t use to feel this way before we all started have kids ten years ago. I didn’t used to when I was still drinking 7 years ago. I didn’t use to 3 years ago when my anxiety and major depression disorders where under control. But, now and for the last two and a half years, despite working my 12 step programs and continuing to work with my doctor on medication options, I still experience symptoms of the aforementioned mental illnesses daily.


My doctor told my husband and me this week that 53% of patients on antidepressants continue to experience symptoms of anxiety and depressive disorders even while on medication, although the medication does make the symptoms less intense. The other 47% are completely relieved of their symptoms once on medication. She also said that it is common in women for the mental illness to get worse as we get older due to hormonal changes after childbirth and during pre-menopause and menopause.

As I wrestle with the effects of “chronic, recurrent depression” (as my doctor put it) --and I mean the biological, chemical imbalance of neurotransmitters in the brain type mental illness-- and alcoholism, which 12 step program literature describes as a spiritual illness or a sickness of the soul, I often feel like they tag team me. The most frustrating aspect of having both mental illness and alcoholism is when my symptoms worsen, I wonder if it is because I am slacking off in some part of my spiritual program or is it because I need to talk to my doctor about the possibility of medication burn out (it has been proven in research that psychiatric medicines will loose their effectiveness in many patients after they are on them for some time.)

I spoke with my sponsor about this issue and she, who has both depression (although completely controlled with medication) and alcoholism (recovered via a 12 Step program for 27 years now), said that for her, when behaviors and/or symptoms continually occur over and over again or repeatedly for many days or weeks in a row, especially when they are unrelated to any identifiable triggers or stressors that are out of the ordinary, she calls her doctor about it.

On the flip side, when symptoms pop up during specific instances and then shortly pass as a result of working the steps, she attributes these to her character defects versus symptoms that require medical attention. This has been my experience when dealing with character defects as well.

My experience has also shown me that my symptoms of mental illness, on the other hand, do not pass without medical intervention and most importantly, not only do they not pass, but THEY GET WORSE and keep getting worse to the point that I have thoughts of harming myself.

My life is good. I have a supportive, loving husband, two healthy, loving kids, an extended family that would do anything for us, and a host of friends both in and out of the programs who would also do anything for us. My relationship with God is the best it has ever been since I started drinking, quit drinking, and now don’t drink at all. I am well-taken care of by caring, competent doctors. I do service work both in and out of the program. I work the 12 steps daily. I have no resentments at the moment nor do I usually and most days I am not fearful of anything or anyone.

So, why do I still get overwhelmed/over stimulated and fatigued when I am around a lot of people for any length of time, or when I am out of my daily routine, or when I am gone from the house for too long, or don’t have hours of time to spend in complete silence everyday? For me, I think it’s a chemical-brain thing.  But, honestly, I don't know anything for sure.  And…

It’s ok. I’m ok with it. I accept this. I accept me. I love me just how I am because I know that God loves me just as I am and I believe his will for me is to love myself just as I am and to also love others just as they are. What a wonderful gift! To be loved and to be able to love - just as we are...just like God does.

And if you have depression, anxiety and/or bipolar disorders like me, you’re ok, too. I know it hurts. I know it’s painful. I know that sometimes you feel like you cannot bear it one more day.

When I am in the depths of these emotional abysses, I have to force myself to call someone, my sponsor, a trusted friend, a spiritual advisor, my husband…and always my doctor if I start to have thoughts of suicide.

I have to force myself to ask God what is it he would like for me to learn about myself?

I have to force myself to thank God for the pain, knowing that someday, as he already has many times in the past year, he will send others my way who will need someone’s help…someone who has experienced and lived through the type of pain they are in…someone like me.

For me, while mental illness and alcoholism may manifest themselves in similar ways, they have different causes if the mental illness is biologically based (meaning the brain is lacking in certain chemicals that regulate moods.) I am and always will be first and foremost an alcoholic. I work a 12 step program to treat my alcoholism. I also have mood disorders caused by chemical imbalances in my brain for which I take medication prescribed by my doctor . I thank God for both solutions. I need both solutions.

Finally, I must humbly admit that I don’t know anything. I believe that all I am really called to do is to share my experience, strength, and hope with those out there who still suffer. And really - don’t we all suffer at some time or another?

So keep sharing. No story is right or wrong. Every story is important because God uses our stories to bring others to him, whether we know if we do or not.

The paths to Him are many. Keep an open mind, be willing, and be honest and you will find the path that works for you. I promise you will, if you just don’t give up!

And whether I know you or not…I love you all…

I asked for it!

"Be careful what you pray for..." 

I have been asking God to show me how to truly love others; without conditions, without expectations, and to give of myself in service out of love alone.  I had the opportunity twice in the last three days to be of service in a true spirit of love.  My motives were good.  It felt wonderful.  I was so excited until...

One of my little acts of service did not go as planned.  I started a task to help my darling husband out and when I didn't have what I needed to finish I blamed him for it and had the audacity to then say if he would have done it himself in the first place this never would have happened.  My sick mind thought, "This is what I get for trying to be nice."  OMG!  Talk about a major backfire!

I was never more ashamed and disgusted with my behavior as I was after this happened.  But guess what?  I didn't drink over it.  Instead I used the Steps of the program to admit my powerlessness over my craziness, asked God to restore my sanity, turned my will over to him once again, completed an inventory of the situation (but skipped over step 5 and didn't talk with anyone about it before making amends, which came back to bite me.)  However faltering, I did make amends to my husband (Steps 8 and 9.) 

God revealed to me just how very ugly and angry I can be, which I am grateful for because it has brought me to a level of humility and surrender to be entirely ready to have these defects of character removed (Step 6.) (What I am not grateful for is the pain it caused my husband.  However, I do not know God's plan for him and maybe God will use this to help him grow, if he is willing.  But, that is none of my business.) In Step 7, I will humbly ask God to remove these shortcomings and if it is his will, I have hope that he will indeed show me how to truly love others. 

I wish it didn't have to been done this way but for this alcoholic, it does:  God has to show me my character defect at its worst so that I can work the Steps to ready myself for its removal.  I am guessing only after its removal will he then show me how to truly love because how can true love of others co-exist with the kind of anger I had in me yesterday?  I don't think it can. 

I have heard it said many times that we can't grow without first experiencing pain; we can't learn without first making mistakes.  These statements have been true in my life and this week was another great lesson.  What I am learning is that no matter how horrible I can act, God still loves me, which means I should still love me.  If I can do that, then no matter how horrible other people act, I can still love them.  And therein lies the meaning of the true love I asked God for in the first place, which is why I wrote (tongue-in-cheek) at the beginning of this post:

"Be careful what you pray for..."  because you just might get it --  Thank God!

God's Love

photo credit

A good friend of the family got married this weekend.  It was a beautiful ceremony celebrated at an old Catholic church - the kind with cathedral ceilings, detailed stained glass windows, creaky old wooden pews, and a three-tiered altar adorned with beautiful reminders of those who walked on this Earth a long time ago.

I cried when the couple professed their love for each other and made their vows.  I always do even if I don't know the bride and groom that well.  I physically feel the love flowing between them and God himself so profoundly during these few minutes that I am overcome with emotion.  God's love, present in that church today, left me awestruck and filled with a gratitude that overflowed like the tears which fell from my eyes. 

I have felt these emotions during meetings, as well.  I usually always feel them after talking with my sponsor or working a step with another alcoholic.  I think, like during weddings, it is because God's love is so strongly present during these interactions.  It's as if it freely flows from one soul to another to another until we are all connected literally by His love. 

Last week I was speaking with a newer lady after a meeting and she said it surprised her when she wanted to give a woman she had just met in a meeting a big hug after hearing her share.  She said, "I don't even know this woman and I am not one to hug strangers!"  I think it is probable that God's healing love in the rooms of the meetings connects our spirits without our minds necessarily comprehending what is happening at first. 

God's love is such a gift and a surprise gift at times!  Thank you, God, for all of your gifts.  But most of all for your love. 

1 Corinthians 13

A Week of Virtues - Day 5 - Acceptance

Acceptance:  acknowledging reality exactly as it is without attempting to change it to fit our needs or desires

"Accepting does not necessarily mean 'liking,' 'enjoying,' or 'condoning.' I can accept what is—and be determined to evolve from there. It is not acceptance but denial that leaves me stuck."   ~ Nathaniel Branden, American psychologist

I find that when coming to accept something, what I am really doing is grieving the loss of some false belief of mine.  Acceptance is the fifth stage of grieving.  I find that I must go through the first four stages before I reach acceptance of a situation, person, or truth in my life.  I will use alcoholism as an example.

*  My false belief is that I am a normal drinker.

Stage 1 - Denial
I'm not an alcoholic.  I don't have a problem.  I'm fine.  There's nothing abnormal about me.

Stage 2 - Anger
Why me?  I don't deserve this!  I am pissed off that I am an alcoholic!  It's not fair!

Stage 3 - Bargaining
Please, God, let me be able to drink like a normal person.  I'll do anything if you just fix me so I can drink and be ok.

Stage 4 - Depression
Poor me!  I am an alcoholic.  My life is ruined.  I'll never have any fun again.  Why do these things always happen to me?  I am a terrible person.

Stage 5 - Acceptance
I am an alcoholic and that is ok.  I have a disease.  I can admit that I have it, not be angry about it, not feel sorry for myself about it, but can realize the reality of it and live my life accordingly. 

More on my story of acceptance can be found here.

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.  ~  Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous 

 
Acceptance is the path to serenity for me.  Practicing acceptance doesn't mean that I have to accept "unacceptable behavior," such as any type of abuse from others.  While I can't change them, I can remove myself from them and their destructive behaviors.  In this way I am accepting the reality of the way they are (i.e., abusive, unhealthy, etc.) and choosing not to be a part of it.  In practicing acceptance, I must always keep in mind what I can and cannot change, which is why the Serenity Prayer is so powerful in my recovery today.
 
 

Serenity Prayer

 

God, grant me the serenity to

accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

 

 

A Week of Virtues - Day 2 - Honesty

Honesty Definition:  Truthful; sincere; not lieing or cheating.

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.

~Groucho Marx

In recovery, the hardest truth I have had to face thus far, and by face I mean admit to and accept (not like), is that I am selfish and self-centered in most everything that I do and think.  There is not one action that I take at any given moment that does not have a selfish motive behind it.  These actions may also have unselfish motives behind them along with the selfish one.  But the selfish ones can always be identified if I am willing to be honest with myself.  Does being selfish make me a bad person?  I don't believe so.  Does it make me a human being?  Absolutely.   

For example, why do I try to fix other people's problems?  Because I love them and I want them to experience happiness?  Yes. 
 
I used to stop there thinking I was doing a good thing by trying to help others with their problems.  However, by working Step 4 of a 12 Step recovery program I now know that I try to fix other people's problems in an attempt to control them so that not only they feel better but so that I FEEL BETTER, too!  And working the rest of the 12 steps with a sponsor has taught me how I can be happy whether other people are or not.  What a gift! 
 
Why do I try to help other alcoholics?  Because I am called to do so by God and by Step 12 to be of service in the spirit of unconditional love?  Absolutely.  Do I also do it because I know it will greatly increase my chances of staying sober, thereby being able to lead a happy life?  You bet! 
 
For me, the most devastating lies are the ones I tell to myself, including but not limited to:
I'm not an alcoholic.
I can handle this.
I should know better.
I can do anything I put my mind to.
I'm fine.
I know what I am doing.
 
What are some ways in which you are dishonest with yourself or others and what is your solution?

We tell lies when we are afraid... afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. But every time we tell a lie, the thing that we fear grows stronger.

~Tad Williams

Honesty plants seeds of pain which grow into beautiful blooms.   ~Marie

L. Annual Honesty (Lunaria annua) is a tall (height about 1 m), hairy-stemmed biennial plant native to the Balkans and south west Asia, and naturalized throughout Europe, North America, and parts of Asia. It has large, pointed oval leaves with marked serrations. The common name "Honesty" arose in the 16th century, and it may be due to the translucent seed-pods which are like flattened pea-pods and borne on the plant through winter. In South-East Asia and elsewhere, it is called the Money Plant, because its seed pods have the appearance of silver coins. In the United States it may also be known as "Silver Dollars," also because of the seed pods. In Denmark it is known as Judaspenge and in The Netherlands as Judaspenning (coins of Judas), an allusion to the story of Judas Iscariot and the thirty pieces of silver he was paid.  From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

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A Week in Gratitude - Day 4

Illness is the most heeded of doctors: to goodness and wisdom we only make promises; pain we obey.

~Marcel Proust

Today I am grateful for:

~ pain that moves me to ask for help not death

~ doctors who help heal my body and mind

~ friends who help heal my soul

~ most importantly, God, who places these helpers in my life so that when He places me in the life of others, I will be able to serve

A bodily disease, which we look upon as whole and entire within itself, may, after all, be but a symptom of some ailment in the spiritual part.

~Nathaniel Hawthorne, The Scarlet Letter

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Angel of the Waters, Central Park

Bethesda Fountain is the central feature on the lower level of the terrace, constructed in 1859-64, which is enclosed within two elliptical balustrades. The pool is centered by a fountain sculpture designed by Emma Stebbins in 1868 and unveiled in 1873. Stebbins was the first woman to receive a public commission for a major work of art in New York City. The bronze, eight-foot statue depicts a female winged angel touching down upon the top of the fountain, where water spouts and cascades into an upper basin and into the surrounding pool. It was the only statue in the park called for in the original design. Beneath her are four four-foot cherubs representing Temperance, Purity, Health, and Peace. Also called the Angel of the Waters, the statue refers to the Gospel of John, Chapter 5 where there is a description of an angel blessing the Pool of Bethesda, giving it healing powers. In Central Park the referent is the Croton Aqueduct opened in 1842, providing the city for the first time with a dependable supply of pure water: thus the angel carries a lily in one hand, representing purity, and with the other hand she blesses the water below. The base of the fountain was designed by the architect of all the original built features of Central Park, Calvert Vaux, with sculptural details, as usual, by Jacob Wrey Mould. In Calvert Vaux and Frederick Law Olmsted's 1858 Greensward Plan, the terrace at the end of the Mall overlooking the naturalistic landscape of the Lake was simply called The Water Terrace, but after the unveiling of the angel, its name was changed to Bethesda Terrace.Source: Wikipedia

Sunday 160 entitled "Never Give Up Hope" - Happy Father's Day

The 7 yr old girl wonders why daddy is so mad and mean. 30 yrs later she feels peace while in his garden with him. Alcoholism is our disease; 12-steps, our solution.

Want to try a Sunday 160? Visit the Monkey Man for "Da Rules"

I happened to find the pic above here along with the following poem, which I thought was eerily applicable to the topic of my Sunday 160 today.  There are no coincidences, right?

He bought an old Man's memory
for a beer at a young man's bar.
It was a hope for his daughter's wedding day-
A day that would never come.
He wanted her in white, a porcelain china doll.
He wanted her groom to be a church going man, a man like he never was.
He wanted her husband to be a tender father, understanding and loving,
A man who could raise a family, a man who would stay.
He went on his last Sunday, to a church he knew when he was young.
He knelt in the confessional, and told all there was to hear.
He said ten Hail Mary's, that he read off a cigarette box.
He lit a crooked candle, and burned his hope away.
He bought two quarts of rum, and drown his memory away.

Celebrating an Average Day

I am having an average day, which is a good thing for me.  Not to be in the tar pit of depression nor the electric charge of hypomania is nice for a change.  For today I am level, even.  I haven't been able to say that in over two years!

The symptoms of mental illness have been indescribably difficult for me to experience on a daily basis for most of my life.  I know the current reprieve is temporary and that is ok.  Thanks to the "one day at a time" slogan of the program, I am better able to stay in the moment and enjoy the gifts of the present.  Thanks to the 12 Steps, I have a relationship with God that has brought me through the worst major depressive episode I have experienced yet.  And when this medication stops working after a while (like the others), I have faith that God will bring me through the pain once again.

As always, at least I didn't have to drink over it and that, my friends, is a miracle!

Marie's Step 3 Prayer

Wash away my sins, Oh God.

I do not know my being.

Make of me

As you see fit.

It’s time I start believing.

From this day forth with your grace

I give my whole life to you.

Humble me.

I see your face.

Please tell me what now to do.

Fill my heart with a passion

That can never be ignored.

Guide me through

Your earthly land,

I beg of you , my sweet Lord.

Thank you for cleansing my soul;

Easing its torment and pain.

I offer

all to your Son;

Quaking, I call out his name:

Jesus! Please save me…again.

Forgive me. Mold me. Hold me

Safely in

Your loving arms,

My Savior, Master, and Friend.

~ Written by Marie on August 3, 2004

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Weekend Report

I went camping with my husband and children this weekend.  There is something so peaceful about opening my eyes in the morning and seeing above me a canopy of 50 foot tall trees with their rich green-leaved branches reaching out to one another to provide a protective blanket of shade from the hot morning sunshine over me and my family.

My daughter complained of a "really loud bird" waking her up at 6am this morning.  I heard the bird, too, but was so thankful that I wasn't at home listening to the neighbor's yippy little dog bark, I fell right back asleep.

We roasted hotdogs and marshmellows over the campfire last night and then they watched the movie, Annie, for the first time.  What a classic!  I enjoy listening to my little one now say, "Oh my goodness, oh my goodness!"

Now we are home.  I am doing laundry, dishes, unpacking, and catching up on emails.  I am looking forward to going to a meeting tonight and I am thankful to God for this day.

 

  

I can't. God can. I think I'll let Him.

My sponsor pointed out to me that I am “entering the stage that we call emotional sobriety.” I said, “What the heck does that mean?” She said, “You are finding out more about yourself so that you can change those conditions and causes that lead to your drinking.”

After reading some recovery literature, the following was revealed to me:

1) Repeatedly exposing myself to more stress than my mind and body could take because of my incessant demand for financial security and my perfectionist dream of being someone I‘m not = hospitalization for depression.

[I know it is not a coincidence that this was the quote for the day in my daily meditation book: “The battle to keep up appearances unnecessarily, the mask -- whatever name you give creeping perfectionism -- robs us of our energies.” ---Robin Worthington]

2) Explaining to my nine year old why I need to take rest breaks, take medication, talk to others, etc. -- in an attempt to prevent her from having an emotional bottom as bad as mine (i.e. playing God) -- not knowing that I was giving her too much information for her age, thereby encouraging the caretaker role she assigned to herself in this alcoholic family. Talk about AGONY!!! I was mortified when my sponsor pointed this out to me.

[Again, not a coincidence that this was the quote for yesterday in my daily meditation book: “One often learns more from ten days of agony than from ten years of contentment.” ---Merle Shain]


I want to experience serenity so bad. People in the program lovingly remind me that I can’t make it happen - I am powerless over EVERYTHING!  I am also told that it will happen in God’s time not mine, which is so exasperating to me right now.

So, I can’t make it happen and I can’t make God do it in my time. “What am I supposed to do?” I asked my sponsor. She said that I am like a broken egg right now and I am supposed to just sit in the mess and wait.  I have decided to follow her suggestion because, once again, I have run out of options and the pain is great enough that I am willing to go to any lengths for sobriety --emotional sobriety.

Today, because of the egg analogy, I keep thinking about the nursery rhyme, Humpty Dumpty.                               

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

(like my decents into the depths of alcoholism and/or depression)

All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty together again.

(no human power alone could restore me)

But, God could and would if I seek to do his will in my life.

(Steps 1, 2, 3)

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