Here's a unique book I came across, written for elementary school-aged children about a stuffed animal monkey that comes to life to help the children he lives with cope with their mother's alcoholism. Find more info at dudleythegorilla.com
Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Book for Children on Alcoholism
Here's a unique book I came across, written for elementary school-aged children about a stuffed animal monkey that comes to life to help the children he lives with cope with their mother's alcoholism. Find more info at dudleythegorilla.com
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Alcoholism, Sobriety, and Recovery - a Step Ten Spiritual Experience
I listened to them fight. Like I used to be, she is sensitive, defensive, discontent, irritable, and miserable. Unlike me, she is only ten years old and has never touched a drop of alcohol. Yet, she thinks and acts like one who is drinking herself into an early grave.
Like my husband, my other daughter is selfless, kind, loving, as well as hurt and confused about why the former spews venomous words and blames her for all that is wrong in life. Unlike my husband, she is only five years old and was born into this alcoholic family rather than married into it.
Doesn’t matter…we all have alcoholism and sometimes it really sucks.
I have a sponsor, my daughter has a counselor, and we both have psychiatrists and God. I hate what I see and I cry because I can’t fix her any more than I can fix myself.
Step One: I am powerless.
Step Two: I believe God will restore my sanity (and my daughter's)
Step Three: and at times, I allow Him to restore mine. The times when I don't is when I focus on my fears. For example, I become scared to death for my children and agonize over the pain of living from which I cannot completely protect them.
Step Four: During these times, it is best for me to write out my fears and the ways in which I may be harming them by not allowing them to feel their own growing pains, for example.
Step Five: I discuss these things with my sponsor on a regular basis merely because they surface on a regular basis.
Step Six: I want God to remove my fears and seemingly selfless actions that are, in reality, an attempt to relieve the suffering I experience when I see my children suffering.
Step Seven: I ask God to remove these fears, defects, and shortcomings from me as He sees fit.
Step Eight: I place myself at the top of the list and any others whom I have harmed.
Step Nine: I make amends to myself for the browbeating I often inflict on my own conscience (which only fuels my alcoholism.)
Step Ten: ??? Oh, Step 10, where are youuuuu???
It is at this exact point in my recent working of the steps, in which flames of “you’re a terrible mother” and “look at what you did to these kids” and “this is all your fault” ignite; my alcoholism trying to convince me that I have power; that some how I can control my life and my children's lives.
If I believe these lies, which I often do, I go along living life until I, once again, experience enough pain to return to Step One (and admit my powerlessness, once again!)
Insidious disease!!! I haven’t worked Step 10 in months. The others, many times as I described above. However, even a thorough 4th -9th step-run only straightens me out for a few weeks and then I am back where I started.
I kept asking, “Why? Why?” and this weekend He told me, “...no Step 10 work.”
“She does steps 4-9 repeatedly. That’s the same thing…even BETTER than a step 10,” my disease retorted. God smiled and like that smart little dog from the Wizard of Oz who pulled back the curtain to reveal a mere man pretending to be a great and powerful Wizard, God revealed the simplicity and significance of Step 10 to me.
My focus has been on the great and powerful Steps 4-9 (which are great and powerful in their own right.) However, for me, Step 10 works behind the curtain tirelessly to maintain the phenomenal effects of 4-9, as the carnival man did to control the powerful effects of the “wizard.”
If I work step 10 on a daily basis, maybe I will be less likely to fall backwards as quickly as I have been on my Steps 4-9 every-other-month plan…that plan isn't in the Big Book!
I also wonder if skipping step 10 is the reason that steps 11 and 12 have been such chores for me lately...
Thank you, God. Thank you, all.
Like my husband, my other daughter is selfless, kind, loving, as well as hurt and confused about why the former spews venomous words and blames her for all that is wrong in life. Unlike my husband, she is only five years old and was born into this alcoholic family rather than married into it.
Doesn’t matter…we all have alcoholism and sometimes it really sucks.
I have a sponsor, my daughter has a counselor, and we both have psychiatrists and God. I hate what I see and I cry because I can’t fix her any more than I can fix myself.
Step One: I am powerless.
Step Two: I believe God will restore my sanity (and my daughter's)
Step Three: and at times, I allow Him to restore mine. The times when I don't is when I focus on my fears. For example, I become scared to death for my children and agonize over the pain of living from which I cannot completely protect them.
Step Four: During these times, it is best for me to write out my fears and the ways in which I may be harming them by not allowing them to feel their own growing pains, for example.
Step Five: I discuss these things with my sponsor on a regular basis merely because they surface on a regular basis.
Step Six: I want God to remove my fears and seemingly selfless actions that are, in reality, an attempt to relieve the suffering I experience when I see my children suffering.
Step Seven: I ask God to remove these fears, defects, and shortcomings from me as He sees fit.
Step Eight: I place myself at the top of the list and any others whom I have harmed.
Step Nine: I make amends to myself for the browbeating I often inflict on my own conscience (which only fuels my alcoholism.)
Step Ten: ??? Oh, Step 10, where are youuuuu???
It is at this exact point in my recent working of the steps, in which flames of “you’re a terrible mother” and “look at what you did to these kids” and “this is all your fault” ignite; my alcoholism trying to convince me that I have power; that some how I can control my life and my children's lives.
If I believe these lies, which I often do, I go along living life until I, once again, experience enough pain to return to Step One (and admit my powerlessness, once again!)
Insidious disease!!! I haven’t worked Step 10 in months. The others, many times as I described above. However, even a thorough 4th -9th step-run only straightens me out for a few weeks and then I am back where I started.
I kept asking, “Why? Why?” and this weekend He told me, “...no Step 10 work.”
“She does steps 4-9 repeatedly. That’s the same thing…even BETTER than a step 10,” my disease retorted. God smiled and like that smart little dog from the Wizard of Oz who pulled back the curtain to reveal a mere man pretending to be a great and powerful Wizard, God revealed the simplicity and significance of Step 10 to me.
My focus has been on the great and powerful Steps 4-9 (which are great and powerful in their own right.) However, for me, Step 10 works behind the curtain tirelessly to maintain the phenomenal effects of 4-9, as the carnival man did to control the powerful effects of the “wizard.”
If I work step 10 on a daily basis, maybe I will be less likely to fall backwards as quickly as I have been on my Steps 4-9 every-other-month plan…that plan isn't in the Big Book!
I also wonder if skipping step 10 is the reason that steps 11 and 12 have been such chores for me lately...
Thank you, God. Thank you, all.
 |
| http://wikimediafoundation.org/wiki/File:Are-you-a-wizard.jpg |
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Sobriety and Life Tie the Knot
Sober living is hard, enjoyable, stressful, serene, tough, and simple. How can it be so many opposing things? It can for me because it is life, a mysterious experience of co-existing joy and sorrow, suffering and relief, pain and serenity. It is real, it is now, and it is unpredictable.
I am going on seven consecutive weeks of family illnesses, snow days, holidays, birthdays, and crises - all the usual life events - with no end yet in sight. I want to run away via the bottle, the car, or in my really low spots, death.
Thank goodness God has other plans for me. Otherwise, I would be writing this drunk, from a deserted island, or not at all.
I have a lot to complain about…many things I don’t like but as my sponsor says, I “don’t have to like it.” I also have a lot to be grateful for…many things that I do like…and when I focus on those aspects of my life I have a real chance at conforming to God’s will - staying sober, living with my family, and remaining alive.
How do I keep my focus on the positives? I have only one answer:
by working the 12 steps:
- Admitting my powerlessness
- Believing God will restore me to sanity
- Trusting in His will
- Completing a thorough self-appraisal
- Calling my sponsor/telling her everything
- Being willing for God to improve my character
- Asking Him to improve my character
- Making a list of those whom I have harmed
- Making amends when appropriate
- Performing repeated self-appraisals
- Praying and meditating
- Practicing these principles in all areas of my life and carrying the message to other alcoholics through service work (going to meetings to share and listen, sponsoring other women, writing these blog posts, etc.)
A long time ago, life handed me a rope and sometimes I swing joyfully from it like a child and sometimes I am tempted to noose it and hang myself. Right now, I am tying a knot in the end of it and hanging on…while God and those who love me stand underneath with open arms, waiting to catch me if I fall.
What more could I ask for?
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Responsibilities in Sobriety - Grumblings versus Gratitude
Responsibilities Grumblings Gratitude
1. taking care of sick children
non-stop for the last two weeks: -I am tired -God strengthens me
-I miss quietness -I'm not hungover
2. leaving early to get coffee cups
for my home group meeting -I am tired -they trust me w/$
-I don't do my
own shopping -they trust me w/$
3. taking a friend to a meeting weekly -why doesn't she
ever offer to drive? -I have a car and can
afford gasoline
-I have friends
4. taking care of the kids alone while
husband works sooooo much -did I mention that
I am fricking tired? -I have a husband
who works hard
for us
5. taking care of myself
and others -I don't feel like it -I know how
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Finding Balance and Living Sober
I visited my family this week, which more often than not increases my anxiety. Honestly, I feel a bit (sometimes a lot) crazy afterwards even when all I do is silently witness the dysfunction and not necessarily take part in it. Although, maybe witnessing it is a part. Sooooo...
Should I stop going to nieces' and nephews' birthday parties, spending the holidays with them, thereby denying my children the fun they experience in seeing their grandparents and playing with their cousins? That answer doesn't feel right.
Sometimes my husband takes the kids out to eat and I do not feel like going whether it be because I am tired, don't want to sit in traffic or deal with the crowds and waits or like this week, I didn't want to go out in the freezing cold weather. I suggested we order in but they wanted to go out. I used to suck it up and go with them thinking that it was the "right thing" to do...telling myself that I was not a very great mother or wife to choose not to go out to eat with my family.
Now days, I rarely go if I truly do not want to go. For the most part, they are alright with this. I know they would rather me go with them but they understand that if I give more of myself in terms of time and energy than I physically, mentally, and emotionally can for too long or too often, I will become irritated, over-fatigued, anxious, and depressed.
God has revealed these limitations to me over the past 2-3 years and unfortunately, they have been extremely debilitating. I am finding however, that the more I accept myself and my limitations and love myself despite my limitations, the more I am able to actually do, be, and give in ways that are - I now believe to be - God's will.
I wonder if what I referred to as "debilitating" - meaning that I could no longer do what I had been doing for so many years - would be better stated as, I just was not doing what God wanted me to do (even though the things I was doing weren't inherently unhealthy.)
I think God's plan for me just changed and I fought it tooth and nail. Change is hard for me, it always has been...it is completely fear-based.
In my experience, whenever I am not in line with God's will, I am usually anxious and/or angry. And whenever I am in line with God's will, I am at peace. Someone sitting around the tables once visually demonstrated how she feels while not in line with God's will by tensing up and holding on to the edge of the table with a death grip. She went on to say that when she is in line with God's will it feels like, "Ahhh" and let out a big relaxing sigh, relaxed her shoulders, closed her eyes and smiled. I feel that way, too.
Fighting, denying, being angry about who I am, how I am made, what is good for me and not good for me in terms of my spiritual state, must have taken so much energy from me! Now that I am (on most days) no longer fighting, denying, and being angry with who I am, I feel myself healing and getting better but, as I stated above, not in a way that allows me to go back to doing the activities I thought I should be doing like working, volunteering time I don't have, socializing needlessly with acquaintances, and signing the kids up in too many activities.
Rather, I find myself being able to be a more patient and loving mom, a mom that has the time and energy to sit down and get eye-to-eye with her children and really listen to them, a mom that can say, "Sure, you can have a sleepover with your friends at our house" and really mean it and not freak out once I have a couple of eight year old girls giggling until two o'clock in the morning.
I also find myself being a more fun-loving wife and an equal partner in my marriage instead of being either a total control freak or a helpless victim unable to even get out of bed in the morning.
What would usually happen is I would go, go, go because I felt guilty about not being able to contribute financially to our household and then I would crash and not be able to do anything around the house or with the kids for days or weeks at a time. This would compound my guilt and once I was back on my feet, the whole cycle would start all over again.
Why is it that alcoholics in particular tend to have a difficult time finding the middle ground on most things? (a rhetorical question, but feel free to share any of your personal experiences regarding this thought.)
Thanks for reading and I wish you a happy, joyous, and well-balanced week!
Should I stop going to nieces' and nephews' birthday parties, spending the holidays with them, thereby denying my children the fun they experience in seeing their grandparents and playing with their cousins? That answer doesn't feel right.
Sometimes my husband takes the kids out to eat and I do not feel like going whether it be because I am tired, don't want to sit in traffic or deal with the crowds and waits or like this week, I didn't want to go out in the freezing cold weather. I suggested we order in but they wanted to go out. I used to suck it up and go with them thinking that it was the "right thing" to do...telling myself that I was not a very great mother or wife to choose not to go out to eat with my family.
Now days, I rarely go if I truly do not want to go. For the most part, they are alright with this. I know they would rather me go with them but they understand that if I give more of myself in terms of time and energy than I physically, mentally, and emotionally can for too long or too often, I will become irritated, over-fatigued, anxious, and depressed.
God has revealed these limitations to me over the past 2-3 years and unfortunately, they have been extremely debilitating. I am finding however, that the more I accept myself and my limitations and love myself despite my limitations, the more I am able to actually do, be, and give in ways that are - I now believe to be - God's will.
I wonder if what I referred to as "debilitating" - meaning that I could no longer do what I had been doing for so many years - would be better stated as, I just was not doing what God wanted me to do (even though the things I was doing weren't inherently unhealthy.)
I think God's plan for me just changed and I fought it tooth and nail. Change is hard for me, it always has been...it is completely fear-based.
In my experience, whenever I am not in line with God's will, I am usually anxious and/or angry. And whenever I am in line with God's will, I am at peace. Someone sitting around the tables once visually demonstrated how she feels while not in line with God's will by tensing up and holding on to the edge of the table with a death grip. She went on to say that when she is in line with God's will it feels like, "Ahhh" and let out a big relaxing sigh, relaxed her shoulders, closed her eyes and smiled. I feel that way, too.
Fighting, denying, being angry about who I am, how I am made, what is good for me and not good for me in terms of my spiritual state, must have taken so much energy from me! Now that I am (on most days) no longer fighting, denying, and being angry with who I am, I feel myself healing and getting better but, as I stated above, not in a way that allows me to go back to doing the activities I thought I should be doing like working, volunteering time I don't have, socializing needlessly with acquaintances, and signing the kids up in too many activities.
Rather, I find myself being able to be a more patient and loving mom, a mom that has the time and energy to sit down and get eye-to-eye with her children and really listen to them, a mom that can say, "Sure, you can have a sleepover with your friends at our house" and really mean it and not freak out once I have a couple of eight year old girls giggling until two o'clock in the morning.
I also find myself being a more fun-loving wife and an equal partner in my marriage instead of being either a total control freak or a helpless victim unable to even get out of bed in the morning.
What would usually happen is I would go, go, go because I felt guilty about not being able to contribute financially to our household and then I would crash and not be able to do anything around the house or with the kids for days or weeks at a time. This would compound my guilt and once I was back on my feet, the whole cycle would start all over again.
Why is it that alcoholics in particular tend to have a difficult time finding the middle ground on most things? (a rhetorical question, but feel free to share any of your personal experiences regarding this thought.)
Thanks for reading and I wish you a happy, joyous, and well-balanced week!
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Find Joy in Everyday Life
The past week has been productive and joyful. I have been working on some projects, Christmas shopping, and reading. We put up the Christmas tree and decor around the house. My five-year-old daughter came home from school the day my husband strung the colorful lights along the outside of our home and exclaimed, “The Christmas lights are up…this is the best day of my life!”
She reminded me that the little things in life make it great. The big things make it wonderful, too. My wedding day and the days my children were born were some of the best days of my life. However, the excitement of those days fade as time goes by and those memories do not sustain my joy for life indefinitely. I must find joy in living every day, one day at a time, in order to be able to claim that life is good.
The most effective way for me to find joy in everyday living is by working the 12 Steps. Following the suggestions outlined in these steps brings my will in line with God’s will without fail. The steps pave a path that leads me to the two reasons for which I believe that I exist:
1. To attain and maintain conscious contact with God
2. To be of service to others
I find joy during the process of achieving these two purposes. Where do you find joy these days? Is it a fleeting joy or one that permeates each day of your life?
She reminded me that the little things in life make it great. The big things make it wonderful, too. My wedding day and the days my children were born were some of the best days of my life. However, the excitement of those days fade as time goes by and those memories do not sustain my joy for life indefinitely. I must find joy in living every day, one day at a time, in order to be able to claim that life is good.
The most effective way for me to find joy in everyday living is by working the 12 Steps. Following the suggestions outlined in these steps brings my will in line with God’s will without fail. The steps pave a path that leads me to the two reasons for which I believe that I exist:
1. To attain and maintain conscious contact with God
2. To be of service to others
I find joy during the process of achieving these two purposes. Where do you find joy these days? Is it a fleeting joy or one that permeates each day of your life?
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Remain Thankful and Still on Good, Bad, and Hectic Days
My week has been good, bad, and hectic. It has been good because fundamentally, life is good. My kids have been off school since Tuesday for the Thanksgiving holiday, which is good because we have been able to spend quality time as a family together…bad because they are kids and therefore, get on my nerves after awhile!
I caught an upper respiratory infection on Wednesday, which was bad. I am finally starting to feel well again, which is good. I missed my home group meeting this week because my daughter got sick, which was bad. I chaired a closed women’s meeting at a treatment facility this week. That was good.
I have chaired or spoke at this meeting several times over the last few years. Since Thanksgiving was this week, I was surprised at how many inpatients were there. I left there feeling very grateful…grateful because I got to leave and spend the holiday with my family instead of staying there under lock and key…and grateful because I went there to share a solution while they were there due to living in the problem.
I spent Thanksgiving Day visiting extended family members, which is sometimes very stressful, sometimes a little stressful, and always hectic. On a scale of 0-10 with 10 being extremely stressful and 0 being stress-free, I rate Thursday’s visit as a 4...not too bad!
Yesterday’s activities consisted of an early morning follow-up visit with the doctor, taking care of the kids while hubby worked all day, then dinner and movie that night with the kiddos, which was hectic. Today we visited family again (Yikes, twice in one week!) It was another 4 on the stress scale - not bad!
I am looking forward to getting back into our routine next week, which means things will not be as hectic…hopefully. I am ready to sloooooowwww down.
This Thanksgiving week, I am most grateful for the fact that whether my days were good, bad, or hectic mattered little to my level of serenity. The only variable that truly affects my serenity is my conscious contact with my Higher Power.
Thankfully, I took several moments each day to rest in the peace and stillness of His presence. It is the most beautiful place I have ever been. I pray for this for you and that I am able to continue to experience the power of Step 11 all the days of my life.
Thank you for reading and for sharing your experience, strength, and hope with me!
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Life, God, and Gratitude
Life has been life this past week and God has blessed me enough to be able to live it on life's terms. Nothing earth-shattering (at least in my sick mind) has been transpiring. I have been doing the day to day stuff of being a child of God, mother of two, wife of one, and friend to many. I could complain...like how my husband is slacking off on helping me around the house and my kids' bickering drives me crazy...but I guess I won't. I will instead make a gratitude list and then leave you with a beautiful video of a presentation of the Prayer of St. Francis. (It is short...so take a look :)
I am grateful for:
I am grateful for:
- God's grace, love, and mercy
- family
- friends
- pup
- home
- emotional security found in making conscious contact with God, my Higher Power
Saturday, October 30, 2010
More Hope and More Gratitude
After a severe migraine accompanied by a moderately severe mixed manic/depressive episode last night where hope was sustained only by repeating the words:
I believe. I trust.
over and over again, I awoke this morning feeling refreshed and more like myself than I have in weeks.
Today I am grateful for:
and finally, I am so grateful for:
I believe. I trust.
over and over again, I awoke this morning feeling refreshed and more like myself than I have in weeks.
Today I am grateful for:
- watching a movie with my family last night
- playing a board game with my daughter this morning
- spending time outdoors with my family this afternoon
- not being on the computer all day until now
- not needing a nap today
- not having a headache today
and finally, I am so grateful for:
- the fact that no matter what is going on around me or inside of me, if I truly believe and truly trust Him in a state of humble surrender, He will comfort me.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Hope and Gratitude
As I come to the end of a rocky week, I reflect on the actions I have taken during the last few days, rather than how I have been "feeling"...
I have been:
Hoping and
Grateful for getting to:
I have been:
Hoping and
- reading (need to read less fiction because it is becoming a form of running away for me, which allows me to block out my present surroundings)
- reading recovery-related material (looking for THE answer to relieve me of my suffering)
- praying (but not as much as usual because I am afraid of THE answer I may hear)
- eating better
- sleeping more
- taking my meds
- calling others in the programs
- talking with others in the programs
Grateful for getting to:
- read my youngest daughter a bedtime story
- help my older daughter put a picture of her hamster, who died on Monday, in a heart shaped locket that she wears around her neck
- watch a funny movie with my husband
- have the money to pay for a vet fee and medicine for my doggie who has ear infections
- listen to others in the program share their struggles with life... ever-reminding me that I am not unique
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
My Higher Power, My Actions, and Miracles
I have a story to tell you…about a woman who is very close to me. I have known her my whole life and our relationship is was dysfunctional. (She, the victim and me, her rescuer.) In the last few weeks, God has given me the power to stop rescuing her.
For example, when she asked how I was doing, instead of lying and saying “fine,” I told the truth, which brought about fear and anxiety in her. I talked to my sponsor about it and prayed about it and the guilt that I used to feel for thinking that I caused worry and grief for someone did not appear. It did not appear because the lesson I learned in the program about not being responsible for other people’s happiness finally made its way from my head to my heart.
A week later, I asked her not to talk about my story with others in front of me as if I am not even there, as she often does since I have been in recovery. I set a boundary, which brought about fear and anger in her. She lashed back at me with her words. The guilt appeared inside of me and I questioned whether I had caused her harm. Therefore, I prayed about it and talked with my sponsor about it. I was relieved to find out that I did the right thing and did not owe amends.
A few days later, a situation arose that would have normally ensued manipulative and guilt-ridden questions from her. She stopped in mid-sentence of her first question and paused…I kept silent but was thinking to myself, “please, don’t you dare go there…” She tried to start her question over, “Why didn’t you….” Again, she paused. My silence persisted. We both knew what she wanted to say. Instead, however, she ended up saying words that I have never heard come out of her mouth, “Well, I guess it is none of my business.” “OK,” I said with a smile and we moved on to other topics.
God restored me to sanity by relieving me from a seriously dysfunctional role that I have took part in my whole life. I feel so free! This miracle would have never happened if it wasn’t for taking the action these 12 step programs call for and for trying, however falteringly, to practice these principles in all of my affairs.
I am reminded of a recovery slogan I have heard a hundred times in the last four years: “Let it begin with me.” I am filled with gratitude and joy that this lesson, too, finally made its way from my head to my heart.
For example, when she asked how I was doing, instead of lying and saying “fine,” I told the truth, which brought about fear and anxiety in her. I talked to my sponsor about it and prayed about it and the guilt that I used to feel for thinking that I caused worry and grief for someone did not appear. It did not appear because the lesson I learned in the program about not being responsible for other people’s happiness finally made its way from my head to my heart.
A week later, I asked her not to talk about my story with others in front of me as if I am not even there, as she often does since I have been in recovery. I set a boundary, which brought about fear and anger in her. She lashed back at me with her words. The guilt appeared inside of me and I questioned whether I had caused her harm. Therefore, I prayed about it and talked with my sponsor about it. I was relieved to find out that I did the right thing and did not owe amends.
A few days later, a situation arose that would have normally ensued manipulative and guilt-ridden questions from her. She stopped in mid-sentence of her first question and paused…I kept silent but was thinking to myself, “please, don’t you dare go there…” She tried to start her question over, “Why didn’t you….” Again, she paused. My silence persisted. We both knew what she wanted to say. Instead, however, she ended up saying words that I have never heard come out of her mouth, “Well, I guess it is none of my business.” “OK,” I said with a smile and we moved on to other topics.
God restored me to sanity by relieving me from a seriously dysfunctional role that I have took part in my whole life. I feel so free! This miracle would have never happened if it wasn’t for taking the action these 12 step programs call for and for trying, however falteringly, to practice these principles in all of my affairs.
I am reminded of a recovery slogan I have heard a hundred times in the last four years: “Let it begin with me.” I am filled with gratitude and joy that this lesson, too, finally made its way from my head to my heart.
Thank you for reading and I hope that you share your miracles with me, too.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
A New Day of Attitude and Gratitude - with a side of Sponsorship and Serenity
I talked to my sponsor for over an hour last night after my last post. I had so much to tell her that my mouth was moving a mile a minute. I updated her on the past week and a half's events and as I did I could feel a great sense of relief and calm as my brain and all of it's alcoholic thoughts drained out of me like a full tub of bath water flows down the drain after pulling the plug.
It was so cleansing and uplifting to my spirit to get all of that junk out of my head, to tell someone about everything I think and feel and do without fear of judgement, lack of understanding, or indifference.
I share at most meetings I attend. I talk to the women I sponsor and other women in the programs about this kind of stuff, too. But, my sponsor is the one person who knows it all. The whole me, not just parts, bits and pieces, here and there. What a gift sponsorship is for me! Syd just wrote a great post on Sponsorship that I recommend reading if you want to learn more about it.
But, before you go, I want to share with you my reflections on a meditation reading I came across today. The prompt was a quote by Madeleine L'Engle who said, "My moments of being most complete, most integrated, have come in complete solitude or when I am being part of a body made up of many people going in the same direction."
It is then suggested to "take some time to examine yourself. When are you "most complete, most integrated"? Return to that place, that situation, to regain the healthy sense of self that is so easily lost in our world's clamor and activity."
Here is my list, in no particular order of significance:
I would love to hear...
Thanks for reading. Have a blessed Sunday and I love you all.
It was so cleansing and uplifting to my spirit to get all of that junk out of my head, to tell someone about everything I think and feel and do without fear of judgement, lack of understanding, or indifference.
I share at most meetings I attend. I talk to the women I sponsor and other women in the programs about this kind of stuff, too. But, my sponsor is the one person who knows it all. The whole me, not just parts, bits and pieces, here and there. What a gift sponsorship is for me! Syd just wrote a great post on Sponsorship that I recommend reading if you want to learn more about it.
But, before you go, I want to share with you my reflections on a meditation reading I came across today. The prompt was a quote by Madeleine L'Engle who said, "My moments of being most complete, most integrated, have come in complete solitude or when I am being part of a body made up of many people going in the same direction."
It is then suggested to "take some time to examine yourself. When are you "most complete, most integrated"? Return to that place, that situation, to regain the healthy sense of self that is so easily lost in our world's clamor and activity."
Here is my list, in no particular order of significance:
- when I am at a meeting
- talking with my sponsor
- working steps with women I sponsor
- intimate times with my husband
- writing on this blog and reading and commenting on others'
- planting in the garden, specifically digging in the soil with my bare hands
- reading the Bible
- holding my daughter (either one) in my arms in silence
I would love to hear...
Thanks for reading. Have a blessed Sunday and I love you all.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Compassion, Abuse, Love, Anger, and Gratitude - all in a sober day's work...
Life is going...juggling the girls' school work and extracurricular activity schedules keeps us busy most days. Time alone is greatly enjoyed while they are off growing their brains. My littlest one is in Kindergarten and today she was kicked by a boy who was angry about something unrelated to her. She just happened to be sitting next to him during circle time and caught the brunt of his physical outburst. At least once a week, she tells us about how he gets mad and kick books and desks, and requires disciplinary action quite often. Thankfully, the school called me after my daughter got home to make sure that I knew what had happened in case she mentioned it, which she already had.
When my oldest was in first grade a few years ago, she was instructed by the teacher to hand out papers to the students who were sitting quietly at their desk first and then to the rest. The boy who always got into trouble in her class was being rambunctious as usual that day and therefore, got his paper last. Angrily he looked at my daughter and said, "I am going to kill you." The really scary part is we live in one of the best school districts in the state; in a middle to upper class community and my girls attend one of the most sought out schools where teachers want to work.
The school administrators and teachers are extremely responsive and supportive to the needs of children as well as the parents. I am very grateful. But, I am also saddened that kids so young are so verbally and physically abusive. I wonder what happens to them at home. What are they being allowed to watch on television? Or worse, what is being done to them for them to act in such violent ways at such a young age? And what was done to their parents for them to be teaching or modeling such behavior for their children?
While I have empathy for these young boys and their obvious emotional troubles, the buck stops with the adults who are responsible for them. I know they are probably doing the best with what they have as my parents did in the midst of their alcoholism but as an adult child of alcoholics I can choose a solution other than the one my parents chose during my childhood. I can break the cycle of active alcoholism in my family, for the sake of my marriage and my children (and myself.) However, I cannot do it alone.
Through the power of God, which I can best access by working the 12 steps with others and continuing to share my experience, strength and hope as well as listen and learn from the experience, strength and hope of others, I can break the chains of alcoholism that bind, not only the alcoholic but the entire family, in prison cells of despair, loneliness, anger, and fear.
Thanks to the grace of God I didn't drink today and was therefore, able to be a comforting and loving and fully present mother to my beautiful baby girl when she really needed her mommy's protective and unending devotion the most. How precious and priceless the gifts of sobriety are! My heart is overflowing with gratitude and humility for God and for his love for me, for my family, for all of us.
When my oldest was in first grade a few years ago, she was instructed by the teacher to hand out papers to the students who were sitting quietly at their desk first and then to the rest. The boy who always got into trouble in her class was being rambunctious as usual that day and therefore, got his paper last. Angrily he looked at my daughter and said, "I am going to kill you." The really scary part is we live in one of the best school districts in the state; in a middle to upper class community and my girls attend one of the most sought out schools where teachers want to work.
The school administrators and teachers are extremely responsive and supportive to the needs of children as well as the parents. I am very grateful. But, I am also saddened that kids so young are so verbally and physically abusive. I wonder what happens to them at home. What are they being allowed to watch on television? Or worse, what is being done to them for them to act in such violent ways at such a young age? And what was done to their parents for them to be teaching or modeling such behavior for their children?
While I have empathy for these young boys and their obvious emotional troubles, the buck stops with the adults who are responsible for them. I know they are probably doing the best with what they have as my parents did in the midst of their alcoholism but as an adult child of alcoholics I can choose a solution other than the one my parents chose during my childhood. I can break the cycle of active alcoholism in my family, for the sake of my marriage and my children (and myself.) However, I cannot do it alone.
Through the power of God, which I can best access by working the 12 steps with others and continuing to share my experience, strength and hope as well as listen and learn from the experience, strength and hope of others, I can break the chains of alcoholism that bind, not only the alcoholic but the entire family, in prison cells of despair, loneliness, anger, and fear.
Thanks to the grace of God I didn't drink today and was therefore, able to be a comforting and loving and fully present mother to my beautiful baby girl when she really needed her mommy's protective and unending devotion the most. How precious and priceless the gifts of sobriety are! My heart is overflowing with gratitude and humility for God and for his love for me, for my family, for all of us.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
I asked for it!
"Be careful what you pray for..."
I have been asking God to show me how to truly love others; without conditions, without expectations, and to give of myself in service out of love alone. I had the opportunity twice in the last three days to be of service in a true spirit of love. My motives were good. It felt wonderful. I was so excited until...
One of my little acts of service did not go as planned. I started a task to help my darling husband out and when I didn't have what I needed to finish I blamed him for it and had the audacity to then say if he would have done it himself in the first place this never would have happened. My sick mind thought, "This is what I get for trying to be nice." OMG! Talk about a major backfire!
I was never more ashamed and disgusted with my behavior as I was after this happened. But guess what? I didn't drink over it. Instead I used the Steps of the program to admit my powerlessness over my craziness, asked God to restore my sanity, turned my will over to him once again, completed an inventory of the situation (but skipped over step 5 and didn't talk with anyone about it before making amends, which came back to bite me.) However faltering, I did make amends to my husband (Steps 8 and 9.)
God revealed to me just how very ugly and angry I can be, which I am grateful for because it has brought me to a level of humility and surrender to be entirely ready to have these defects of character removed (Step 6.) (What I am not grateful for is the pain it caused my husband. However, I do not know God's plan for him and maybe God will use this to help him grow, if he is willing. But, that is none of my business.) In Step 7, I will humbly ask God to remove these shortcomings and if it is his will, I have hope that he will indeed show me how to truly love others.
I wish it didn't have to been done this way but for this alcoholic, it does: God has to show me my character defect at its worst so that I can work the Steps to ready myself for its removal. I am guessing only after its removal will he then show me how to truly love because how can true love of others co-exist with the kind of anger I had in me yesterday? I don't think it can.
I have heard it said many times that we can't grow without first experiencing pain; we can't learn without first making mistakes. These statements have been true in my life and this week was another great lesson. What I am learning is that no matter how horrible I can act, God still loves me, which means I should still love me. If I can do that, then no matter how horrible other people act, I can still love them. And therein lies the meaning of the true love I asked God for in the first place, which is why I wrote (tongue-in-cheek) at the beginning of this post:
"Be careful what you pray for..." because you just might get it -- Thank God!
Monday, September 13, 2010
Recovery and Nature - Dogs
Dogs are simple creatures. I look at my Golden Retriever and he wags his tail. I walk through the door and he wags his tail and brings me one of his toys. I go outside and he follows me. I come inside and he follows me. I go to bed and his does, too, on the floor next to my bed. He depends on me for all of his basic needs -- to feed and groom him; to let him outside to you know what; and to love him. Love? A basic need? You bet!
I grew up in an alcoholic home where my basic needs of food, clothing, shelter, and an education were met and for that I thank God. I started out better than many. Love on the other hand was touch and go secondary to my parents' disease of alcoholism. I think it sounds cliche to say that "they did the best they could with what they had." But, it is true.
In my daily meditation reading this morning in the Al-Anon book, Hope for Today, the author talked about dogs and why they bark. She or he suspects that a dog barks because because he is afraid. My dog only barks when someone knocks on the door (unlike the neighbors dogs who seem to bark at the air! :) Is he fearful, being protective of our family, or both?
When I "bark" at others, it is usually because I am in fear or protecting someone I love. I yelled at my daughter when she ran towards the street last night because I feared she may get hit by a car and I wanted to protect her. I have been known to yell at my husband for leaving his dirty clothes on the floor for fear that I may have to do more work around the house and I want to protect my free time. Now, the former example is responsible parenting while the latter is laziness.
Although, I am not suggesting that all of us women should pick up after our significant others. I believe there is a difference between not doing for others what they can do for themselves and just being selfish. I yelled at him because my motive was selfish. If my motive would have been to merely set a boundary, I would have discussed it in a way for which later I didn't have to make an amends to him.
But, I digress. You can see how my alcoholic thinking goes from simple to complicated in just one paragraph! LOL. Back to the dog...
IF I pay attention, my dog shows me how to be humbly devoted, dependent, loving, and forgiving. He doesn't hold grudges nor complain about his life. My most favorite quality about my dog is that he loves unconditionally. Who ever said being in the dog house was a bad thing must not have had a program. Being in the dog house teaches me humility and dependence on God. If only I could consistently forgive and love others unconditionally and be as grateful and as devoted to God as my dog is to me...
But, under no uncertain terms, will I pee outside ever again (couldn't have said that if I was still drinking! smiles ;)
Saturday, August 28, 2010
A Week of Gratitude - Day 7
Today, I am grateful for:
~ quality time spent with my family going to the pool, on a bike ride, and to the pond to feed the ducks
~ a surprise date my husband planned for just the two of us
~ beautiful, sunny weather
~ my willingness to listen to God's suggestions on how to keep it simple just for today
~ quality time spent with my family going to the pool, on a bike ride, and to the pond to feed the ducks
~ a surprise date my husband planned for just the two of us
~ beautiful, sunny weather
~ my willingness to listen to God's suggestions on how to keep it simple just for today
As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler; solitude will not be solitude, poverty will not be poverty, nor weakness weakness.
~Henry David Thoreau
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
A Week of Gratitude - Day 3
Today, I am thankful for:
~ a place I can call home
~ knowing that my parents are unwilling victims of the disease of alcoholism
~ knowing that I am, too
~ the fact that my daughters are not exposed to the chaos of active alcoholics
~ 12-Step programs, which have given my parents and me a chance to live "happy, joyous, and free" sober lives
~ a place I can call home
~ knowing that my parents are unwilling victims of the disease of alcoholism
~ knowing that I am, too
~ the fact that my daughters are not exposed to the chaos of active alcoholics
~ 12-Step programs, which have given my parents and me a chance to live "happy, joyous, and free" sober lives
Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.
~Author Unknown
Monday, August 23, 2010
A Week of Gratitude - Day 2
Today, I am thankful for
~ sponsorship
~ my family's health
~ God's direction
~ my powerlessness
~ sobriety
As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them. ~ John F. Kennedy
Thursday, August 19, 2010
What's Your Problem?
I have been looking forward to having some down time this week since the kids went back to school. But, alas...a minor playground injury on the first day of school, my oldest now home running a fever (unrelated to the playground incident), plus a husband who's been home sick for the last few days makes for a busier, more stressful week than normal. It just goes to show that I can never be sure about how absolutely opposite my days can turn out to be from what I expected. And there in lies my problem: Expectations!
Before learning how to "live life on life's terms" from people in the program, I would have used all of the unexpected events this week as reasons to drink. Feeling stressed out and tired, I would have said, "I deserve to get drunk after taking care of everyone all week." (I play a great martyr!) Feeling angry about the week not going as I planned followed by feeling guilty for being angry that my family got sick (like they can help it!), I would have drank to drown those feelings away. I drank a lot in order to escape from my feelings, especially anxiety, anger, and guilt.
During my first few years in recovery, I thought I wasn't going to feel angry, anxious, or guilty anymore. I thought life was supposed to get easier and that I would magically be happy all of the time. Then I learned, as it says in the Big Book, my "liquor was but a symptom." My real problem is the way I think. When my thinking is out of sorts, my feelings are soon out of control, usually followed by harmful behavior.
Later, I learned more about identifying my feelings and experiencing and processing them in the safety of the rooms of the programs and in the arms of my sponsor rather than running away from them. I learned, through working Steps 4 and 5 again, how my thinking problem (not drinking problem) caused these feelings to grow out of control. I learned, through working Steps 6 and 7 again, how God can change my thinking so that my feelings stay in check instead of intensifying to levels that cause me to behave in ways that are harmful to myself and others. I have to let go of all of my old ideas and allow God's ideas (or will) to take their place.
Take this week for example. When taking care of all the sickies around me, I have to remember (or be reminded by my sponsor) to let go of the idea that I am Super Mom. When I can let go of this idea then I am less likely to become overwhelmed. When I am not overwhelmed, I am better able to quiet my mind and when I am able to quiet my mind, I have a greater chance at consciously connecting with God (Step 11). This conscious contact with my Higher Power gives me a feeling of peace I cannot describe except to say, it gives me the strength I need to continue to be of service (Step 12), which I believe is God's idea.
I just realized that in this case, my idea and God's idea are the same: for me to be of service. Actually, this is probably God's idea in all cases. (Yikes!)
Excuse me while I take a quick intermission to process a spiritual awakening...
OK, I'm back.
As I was going to say, my "Super Mom idea" means I am trying to serve others on my own power. God's idea means my service to others is fueled by the power that I receive from Him. Let me think...my power versus God's power... It's a no brainer, right? I mean, DUH!!! When I put it that way, I feel Super Silly to even think about doing anything on my own power. But, like I said before, my real problem is the way I think.
Love to you all.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
My Tuesday Hangover
Yesterday we spent the day with the kids out in 100 degree temperatures at a water park. Everyone had a great time, however, I am paying for it today. Fatigue, muscle aches, and joint pains kept me from doing anything today, except lay on the couch. I knew before we left yesterday that I would probably feel like this today, but that knowledge didn't stop me from staying out in the heat too long, climbing hundreds of steps, bouncing off water slide after water slide, walking barefoot from ride to ride for seven hours straight and completely enjoying the day with my family.
I used to drink knowing I would pay for it the next day. But that knowledge never stopped me from staying up too late, drinking too many beers, glasses of wine, shots of whatever anyone was buying, and smoking too many cigarettes for eight hours straight and blacking out or, if I was lucky, passing out.
The difference is I spent a day living life on life's terms yesterday rather than running away from reality via the bottle. Today, I do not owe anyone an amends due to my actions yesterday. I remember what happened yesterday. I was fully present to give of myself in love and service yesterday. I was able to play a role in a fun, healthy, positive family experience thanks to God and 12 step programs and the women in those programs who showed me by their words and actions how to be a responsible and loving member of recovery groups, member of my family, and member of society. I am one of many - no longer trying "to struggle to the top of the heap or hide underneath it." (12 Steps and 12 Traditions of AA, page 53.)
Today, my greatest desire is to be in the "heap" where ever God wants me doing what ever He wants me to do even if it is merely laying on the couch and not feeling guilty for taking care of myself.
I used to drink knowing I would pay for it the next day. But that knowledge never stopped me from staying up too late, drinking too many beers, glasses of wine, shots of whatever anyone was buying, and smoking too many cigarettes for eight hours straight and blacking out or, if I was lucky, passing out.
The difference is I spent a day living life on life's terms yesterday rather than running away from reality via the bottle. Today, I do not owe anyone an amends due to my actions yesterday. I remember what happened yesterday. I was fully present to give of myself in love and service yesterday. I was able to play a role in a fun, healthy, positive family experience thanks to God and 12 step programs and the women in those programs who showed me by their words and actions how to be a responsible and loving member of recovery groups, member of my family, and member of society. I am one of many - no longer trying "to struggle to the top of the heap or hide underneath it." (12 Steps and 12 Traditions of AA, page 53.)
Today, my greatest desire is to be in the "heap" where ever God wants me doing what ever He wants me to do even if it is merely laying on the couch and not feeling guilty for taking care of myself.
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