My Sober Week

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A New Day of Attitude and Gratitude - with a side of Sponsorship and Serenity

I talked to my sponsor for over an hour last night after my last post.  I had so much to tell her that my mouth was moving a mile a minute.  I updated her on the past week and a half's events and as I did I could feel a great sense of relief and calm as my brain and all of it's alcoholic thoughts drained out of me like a full tub of bath water flows down the drain after pulling the plug. 

It was so cleansing and uplifting to my spirit to get all of that junk out of my head, to tell someone about everything I think and feel and do without fear of judgement, lack of understanding, or indifference. 

I share at most meetings I attend.  I talk to the women I sponsor and other women in the programs about this kind of stuff, too.  But, my sponsor is the one person who knows it all.  The whole me, not just parts, bits and pieces, here and there.  What a gift sponsorship is for me!  Syd just wrote a great post on Sponsorship that I recommend reading if you want to learn more about it.

But, before you go, I want to share with you my reflections on a meditation reading I came across today.  The prompt was a quote by Madeleine L'Engle who said, "My moments of being most complete, most integrated, have come in complete solitude or when I am being part of a body made up of many people going in the same direction."

It is then suggested to "take some time to examine yourself. When are you "most complete, most integrated"? Return to that place, that situation, to regain the healthy sense of self that is so easily lost in our world's clamor and activity."

Here is my list, in no particular order of significance:

1. when I am at a meeting
2. talking with my sponsor
3. working steps with women I sponsor
4. intimate times with my husband
5. writing on this blog and reading and commenting on others'
6. planting in the garden, specifically digging in the soil with my bare hands
7. reading the Bible
8. holding my daughter (either one) in my arms in silence

When do you feel "most complete, most integrated"? 
I would love to hear...

Thanks for reading. Have a blessed Sunday and I love you all.

Alcoholism, Pain, Autumn Meetings

I have been avoiding writing this week not because I don’t want to but rather because I don’t know where to begin. I have so many things on my mind, going through my mind, and consuming my mind that the act of coherently writing about them is a daunting task.

The biggest problem is that I haven’t talked to my sponsor in almost two weeks but not from lack of trying. She missed the meeting we both attend each week and I get her voicemail every time I call her. I am hoping to hear from her soon.

I am going through yet another medication change this week, which always comes with negative side effects such as sleep disturbances, emotional imbalance, and migraines to name a few. I had migraines everyday this week from Saturday through Wednesday along with the nausea and light sensitivity that often accompanies them.

I spent hours upon hours in bed this week with only intermittent breaks from the headache pain. Wednesday the pain actually brought me to tears, which brought me to my knees begging God for relief. And even though I only got about three hours of sleep Wednesday night, relief came Thursday and has continued through today. I am so grateful. Thank you, God!

Thursday the weather was gorgeous here. I took a walk just to feel the warmth of the sun on my skin. I invited God to go with me - I am sure he did. I usually do not go on a walk with out taking my dog along but this time I didn’t want the distraction of looking after him, so I left him at home. I think he forgave me :-)

I took my camera along instead and captured some of Autumn’s beauty.

Today I went to a day meeting, which is rare for me. The meetings I regularly attend are held in the evenings, however, since I am no longer working I have decided to go to more day time ones for several reasons. One, it gets me out of the house during the day now that the kids are back in school. Two, I can be home more at night to fulfill my responsibilities to them (dinner, homework help, baths, bedtime routines, etc.) without feeling as stressed out by trying to squeeze in a meeting as well. Three, since going to a few day meetings, I am finding that there is a whole other group of recovered alcoholics in my community that I get to learn from and become friends with.

I have gotten to know so many wonderful people in the programs over the past six years that I have started to take for granted how much I have in common with them. I remember when I first came into the program how awestruck I was as I listened to people share in meetings about thoughts, fears, feelings, and experiences that I had, too. I remember how amazed I was to find out that I wasn’t unique or some freak of nature.

But over the last six years, after going to the same meetings with the same people over and over again, hearing the same stories, the same opinions, the same old thing from the same people over and over again, I have gotten to the point of: “Yes, I can identify; yes, I do that and it doesn’t work for me either; yes, I do that and it helps me, too” etc, etc…it has become way too predictable. I think some would call this complacency. Not a good place for this alcoholic to be.

Even though the solutions and the stories and the experiences I hear during these day meeting are the same as the ones I hear in my regular evening meetings, to hear them from a whole new group of strangers is so exciting to me. I am finding people who not only have alcoholism, but who also have clinical mental illnesses. I feel like I did when I was new - awestruck and amazed to find out I am still not unique nor some freak of nature.

God is good. He is working in my life. Sometimes I see it, feel it, know it. Sometimes I don’t but not because he isn’t here but rather because I am not here (i.e., mentally in the moment.)

Today, I am here and for that I am so grateful! Tomorrow, who knows? I’m not there yet.

Love you all. Thanks for reading and I hope you have a blessed weekend.

Recovery and Nature - Ants

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Ants are gross.  I don't want them in or around my house.  (I am not a big fan of insects in general.)  But, I know that ants work together for the good of the whole colony, which is why I thought of them in relation to 12 step recovery programs.  I did a little research on ants and found out that they are the best example of a "superorganism," meaning there is a division of labor where individuals are not able to survive by themselves for extended periods of time.  I do not think that I would be able to survive without the 12 steps for very long. 


The way in which superoraganisms, like ant colonies, need the individuals for the group to survive and vice versus reminds me of many of the 12 Traditions.  Tradition One states "Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon (the program's) unity."  Tradition Four states "Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or (the program) as a whole."  Tradition Seven states "Every...group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions."  Tradition Eight states "(The program) should remain forever non-professional, but our service centers may employ special workers."  Tradition Twelve states "Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities."  (all italics are mine.)

Furthermore, "ant societies have division of labour, communication between individuals, and an ability to solve complex problems."  For example, when a forager ant finds a food source for the colony "it leaves a trail marking the shortest route on its return. Successful trails are followed by more ants, reinforcing better routes and gradually finding the best path."  (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ants) 

For any of you in the programs, does this sound a bit like sponsorship to you?  Didn't the founders, after finding a spiritual source in a Higher Power, leave a "successful trail" for others to follow via the 12 Steps?  I feel like they did and I am so grateful!

Recovery and Nature - Birds

Below is something I wrote in my journal one day while sitting by a pond on a sunny, breezy day watching the birds. 

They fly together to make the task easier for one another. A bird in flight lets the wind push it back but never stops flapping its wings. Rather than fight against the wind, the bird stays calm and lets the wind suspend it in mid-air - all the while, flapping, waiting, tolerant of that which it cannot control - but still flapping and doing it’s part.

I have the wind in my face more than at my back.  Stress, family, my own thinking, fears, and physical pain are the winds that push me back.  Life, like the wind, changes.  At times, life is easier like the wind at my back, pushing me forward through my days with comfort and ease.  Then it whips around and blows me backwards some.  Then, there is no wind at all for awhile.  Life, like the wind, is something I cannot control.


But, these birds -- they seem to know a thing or two!  They continue to flap their wings no matter what the wind is doing.  I have learned in my recovery programs how to continue to work the 12 Steps or flap my wings, so to speak, no matter which way the wind blows. 

Do not give up when the wind is in your face and things are tough.  Do not become complacent when the wind is absent and things are calm.  Do not become arrogant when the wind is at your back and things are really good!  Keep working the Steps.  Keep flapping your wings and soar into recovery!

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Sunday 160 entitled "Angel Games"

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If thunder is the angels bowling, lightning is their fireworks and rain tears from laughing so hard. Imagine them on their trampoline clouds and rainbow slides!

Want to try a Sunday 160? Visit the Monkey Man for "Da Rules"

Sunday 160 entitled "Hope"

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As gruesome as oil spilling into the sea is he who betrayed one for silver ten times three.

It seems,

from horrific means,

humanity gleans

the Creator’s dreams.

Want to try a Sunday 160?  Visit the Monkey Man for "Da Rules"

Friday Flash 55

Not usually felt
In the tactile sense
But today that little bugger’s
Bite made me wince.

A smack on it’s head
Is what I provided
But not before
In my blood it delighted.

“Damn, mosquito!” I thought
With a scowl on my brow.
So, I sprayed on the deet
Then yelled, “Come get me now!”

photo credit

Friday Flash 55 hosted by G-Man

Weekend Report

I went camping with my husband and children this weekend.  There is something so peaceful about opening my eyes in the morning and seeing above me a canopy of 50 foot tall trees with their rich green-leaved branches reaching out to one another to provide a protective blanket of shade from the hot morning sunshine over me and my family.

My daughter complained of a "really loud bird" waking her up at 6am this morning.  I heard the bird, too, but was so thankful that I wasn't at home listening to the neighbor's yippy little dog bark, I fell right back asleep.

We roasted hotdogs and marshmellows over the campfire last night and then they watched the movie, Annie, for the first time.  What a classic!  I enjoy listening to my little one now say, "Oh my goodness, oh my goodness!"

Now we are home.  I am doing laundry, dishes, unpacking, and catching up on emails.  I am looking forward to going to a meeting tonight and I am thankful to God for this day.

 

  

Thank You

Tonight I am grateful to God for:

• my family
• the meeting I went to
• a beautiful sunny day
• my dog
• awesome connections I feel with others in the program
• my home
• a good night's sleep
• the Steps
• the cool night air
• a soft warm bed
• food on the table
• clothes on my back
• safety outside my front door
• His love for me
• and the touch of His Spirit on my soul

Gratitude

Today, I am thankful for:

• God
• My husband
• My kids
• My home
• The beautiful sunny weather
• The green grass
• The flowers
• The birds
• The air I breathe
• The 12 Steps
• My sponsor
• The change in my mood from bad to good 
• My sobriety