Acceptance Check

Not accepting my limitations and the limitations of others is something that has caused me great pains, and I know that I am not unique in that. I have found that working on acceptance of myself - and all of my flaws - has allowed me to more easily accept the flaws of others. I'll say it again because I have to remind myself of how backwards I had it for years. I HAVE TO ACCEPT MYSELF BEFORE I CAN TRULY ACCEPT OTHERS. This is just how it works for me.

Several years ago, at 4 years sober, I was in the midst of agonizing non-acceptance. My job was stressful to the point of causing me physical and mental illness which landed me twice in the hospital. The first time, the health care professionals said I needed to change my lifestyle to fit my limitations and my reply was, "No, I need to change my physical and mental capabilities to fit the lifestyle I want" (or thought I "needed"). Needless to say, this attitude is why I ended up in the hospital the second time, six months later.

Since then I have not been able to work which leads me to a discussion on tradition 7 (self-supporting through my own contributions.) I spent three years berating myself for not being capable of working because of my illnesses. Rather than being grateful, I felt guilty for the help I received financially, and angry at myself because I was not able to be "self-supportive."

Upon honest appraisal, pride and self-pity (which is pride is reverse according the one of our books) were the real reasons for my misery.  I will write more about this in a subsequent post.

I am just coming off of a year-long step 4 and 5 journey (a searching and fearless moral inventory and many step 5 sessions with my sponsor and counselor.) As a result, I am slowly beginning to accept my limitations as well as my character defects.

The first frees me from the chains of pride and egoism while the second frees me from the torture of attempting perfectionism.  I work steps 6 and 7 on my character defects, and I work on acceptance of my physical and mental limitations.

How to tell the difference between the two used to stress me out. The Serenity Prayer (Grant me the serenity to acceptance what I can't change, courage to change what I can and the wisdom to know the difference) was very applicable during these times, but I found out that wisdom to know the difference isn't just given to me because I ask for it - I had to do the work in steps 4 and 5 to gain that wisdom. It was SO hard but well worth it.

What do you have difficulty accepting? What actions have helped you come to accept things in your life that you used to fight against?

Recovery and Nature - Ants

photo credit

Ants are gross.  I don't want them in or around my house.  (I am not a big fan of insects in general.)  But, I know that ants work together for the good of the whole colony, which is why I thought of them in relation to 12 step recovery programs.  I did a little research on ants and found out that they are the best example of a "superorganism," meaning there is a division of labor where individuals are not able to survive by themselves for extended periods of time.  I do not think that I would be able to survive without the 12 steps for very long. 


The way in which superoraganisms, like ant colonies, need the individuals for the group to survive and vice versus reminds me of many of the 12 Traditions.  Tradition One states "Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon (the program's) unity."  Tradition Four states "Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or (the program) as a whole."  Tradition Seven states "Every...group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions."  Tradition Eight states "(The program) should remain forever non-professional, but our service centers may employ special workers."  Tradition Twelve states "Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities."  (all italics are mine.)

Furthermore, "ant societies have division of labour, communication between individuals, and an ability to solve complex problems."  For example, when a forager ant finds a food source for the colony "it leaves a trail marking the shortest route on its return. Successful trails are followed by more ants, reinforcing better routes and gradually finding the best path."  (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ants) 

For any of you in the programs, does this sound a bit like sponsorship to you?  Didn't the founders, after finding a spiritual source in a Higher Power, leave a "successful trail" for others to follow via the 12 Steps?  I feel like they did and I am so grateful!

Are You Self-Supporting?

Above:  Two minutes before the meeting is supposed to start, the dude on left says, "Hey, my speaker isn't here."  Dude in the center says, "That's a bummer.  I gotta run to the restroom."  Dude on the right thinks, "Maybe if I don't make eye contact he won't ask me to step in and speak."

I spoke at a meeting on Tradition Seven, “every group ought to be self-supporting, declining outside contributions.”  Ironically, I haven’t been able to work in many months and have been anything but self-supporting monetarily speaking.  However, I have learned that monetary contributions alone do not sustain 12-step programs.  Service work is vital to the longevity of these programs.  Groups do not hire outside people to come in and set up chairs and tables and make coffee before the meetings.  Group members do it.  Groups do not hire outside individuals to chair meetings or give speeches or presentations.  Group members are the chairpersons and speakers.  We support ourselves by doing the work ourselves, not just by throwing a buck or two in the basket every week.

Would there be anything inherently wrong with someone outside of the program volunteering to help or wishing to make a monetary donation?  Probably not.  Except that we run the risk of being indebted to or at least influenced by the agenda of such individuals, whether it be religious, political, or social to name a few.  I am so grateful that the founders of these programs had the foresight to such risks and thus, put this Tradition in place.  12-step programs have, do, and will continue to save too many lives to take such a risk, wouldn’t you agree?

I thought about this Tradition as it relates to my life outside of the rooms of the program (as I was taught to do.)  While I haven’t been able to contribute to our household income lately, in the spirit of Tradition Seven, I perform service work daily (i.e., cleaning, cooking, laundry, raising kids, pet care.)  My kids have assigned chores around the house and my husband helps with all of the aforementioned plus provides financially for our family.  We are a self-supporting family.  As in the program, it is important to the survival of our family that we each do our part.

Then I thought about how this Tradition relates to me as an individual.  How do I support myself, my physical, emotional, and spiritual needs?  This is the stuff that no amount of money can buy!  Do I take care of my body, take the medicines my doctor prescribes, exercise regularly, eat healthy, get enough sleep?  Do take care of my emotional health by asking for what I need, setting boundaries with others, accepting what I can’t change, changing what I can, and depending on God for peace and happiness rather than on those around me?  Do I take care of my spiritual needs by “practicing the principles of the program in all my affairs” and spending quality time in daily prayer and meditation?

The short answer all of those questions is that I try to do these things to the best of my ability with varying degrees of effort depending on whether I am in self-will or in line with God’s will.  My experience has been that when I perceive the effort as great, then I am probably in self-will.  When the effort appears minimal, I am usually in line with God’s will.