A Quick Thought on Meditation

Recently, I began focusing on my breath during meditation. Breathe in and out. In and out. Concentrating on the air filling my center. And when other thoughts come to mind, as they usually do, I simply notice them like I would a piece of chewed gum on the sidewalk - stepping over those thoughts and then returning to my breath.

When I first began this practice I saw those chewed pieces of gum every where, and many would stick to my shoe, too! :)

Now, on good days, I don't see any gum at all, and on really good days I become so relaxed and centered that I doze off after about 20 minutes!

What do you focus on during your meditations?

Alcoholic Perfectionism

Who has it?

 

Me!  I am my own worst critic (as the cliche says.) I find that the harder I am on myself and the more expectations I have of myself then the more I expect from others. Goes to show that when something is bothering me about the actions (or non-actions) of others, I really DO need to look at what is going on within myself.

 

This week is a good example. I have been lonely (still not sure why); restless and anxious (probably because the kids are now on summer vacation,) which leads to mental, physical, and emotional exhaustion for me, which significantly depletes my spiritual reserves.

 

My expectations for myself have been very high lately. Examples, include: to be ok with groups of 11-year-old girls coming in and out of my house all day (after all, I like knowing where they are and what they are doing - i.e., control. :) I am also on the other side of a severe depressive episode, and feel guilty for not doing more than my share of the housework to make up for my lack of it over the last year (even though those expectations are mine alone, and my husband would be glad to help if I'd just ask. But, no, instead I made snide remarks and played the martyr this morning about all of the things on my plate today. Later, when I made amends, I told him I was overwhelmed and we had a good talk.)

 

I know that I need time to myself each day to connect to my Higher Power, and with the kids home now, I just don't get it. And that statement just made me realize why I am feeling lonely (I miss my God.)  I think I may need to work Step 11 extra hard this summer. :)

 

In what ways does your fear of making mistakes or of not being "good enough" cause you distress?

Remain Thankful and Still on Good, Bad, and Hectic Days

My week has been good, bad, and hectic.  It has been good because fundamentally, life is good.  My kids have been off school since Tuesday for the Thanksgiving holiday, which is good because we have been able to spend quality time as a family together…bad because they are kids and therefore, get on my nerves after awhile!

I caught an upper respiratory infection on Wednesday, which was bad.  I am finally starting to feel well again, which is good.  I missed my home group meeting this week because my daughter got sick, which was bad.  I chaired a closed women’s meeting at a treatment facility this week. That was good.

I have chaired or spoke at this meeting several times over the last few years.  Since Thanksgiving was this week, I was surprised at how many inpatients were there.  I left there feeling very grateful…grateful because I got to leave and spend the holiday with my family instead of staying there under lock and key…and grateful because I went there to share a solution while they were there due to living in the problem.

I spent Thanksgiving Day visiting extended family members, which is sometimes very stressful, sometimes a little stressful, and always hectic.  On a scale of 0-10 with 10 being extremely stressful and 0 being stress-free, I rate Thursday’s visit as a 4...not too bad!

Yesterday’s activities consisted of an early morning follow-up visit with the doctor, taking care of the kids while hubby worked all day, then dinner and movie that night with the kiddos, which was hectic.  Today we visited family again (Yikes, twice in one week!)  It was another 4 on the stress scale - not bad!

I am looking forward to getting back into our routine next week, which means things will not be as hectic…hopefully.  I am ready to sloooooowwww down.

This Thanksgiving week, I am most grateful for the fact that whether my days were good, bad, or hectic mattered little to my level of serenity.  The only variable that truly affects my serenity is my conscious contact with my Higher Power.

Thankfully, I took several moments each day to rest in the peace and stillness of His presence.  It is the most beautiful place I have ever been.  I pray for this for you and that I am able to continue to experience the power of Step 11 all the days of my life.

Thank you for reading and for sharing your experience, strength, and hope with me!

"Be still and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10)

What's Your Problem?

photo credit

I have been looking forward to having some down time this week since the kids went back to school.  But, alas...a minor playground injury on the first day of school, my oldest now home running a fever (unrelated to the playground incident), plus a husband who's been home sick for the last few days makes for a busier, more stressful week than normal.  It just goes to show that I can never be sure about how absolutely opposite my days can turn out to be from what I expected.  And there in lies my problem:  Expectations! 

Before learning how to "live life on life's terms" from people in the program, I would have used all of the unexpected events this week as reasons to drink.  Feeling stressed out and tired, I would have said, "I deserve to get drunk after taking care of everyone all week."  (I play a great martyr!)  Feeling angry about the week not going as I planned followed by feeling guilty for being angry that my family got sick (like they can help it!), I would have drank to drown those feelings away.  I drank a lot in order to escape from my feelings, especially anxiety, anger, and guilt.

During my first few years in recovery, I thought I wasn't going to feel angry, anxious, or guilty anymore.  I thought life was supposed to get easier and that I would magically be happy all of the time.  Then I learned, as it says in the Big Book, my "liquor was but a symptom."  My real problem is the way I think.  When my thinking is out of sorts, my feelings are soon out of control, usually followed by harmful behavior. 

Later, I learned more about identifying my feelings and experiencing and processing them in the safety of the rooms of the programs and in the arms of my sponsor rather than running away from them.  I learned, through working Steps 4 and 5 again, how my thinking problem (not drinking problem) caused these feelings to grow out of control.  I learned, through working Steps 6 and 7 again, how God can change my thinking so that my feelings stay in check instead of intensifying to levels that cause me to behave in ways that are harmful to myself and others.  I have to let go of all of my old ideas and allow God's ideas (or will) to take their place. 

Take this week for example.  When taking care of all the sickies around me, I have to remember (or be reminded by my sponsor) to let go of the idea that I am Super Mom.  When I can let go of this idea then I am less likely to become overwhelmed.  When I am not overwhelmed, I am better able to quiet my mind and when I am able to quiet my mind, I have a greater chance at consciously connecting with God (Step 11).  This conscious contact with my Higher Power gives me a feeling of peace I cannot describe except to say, it gives me the strength I need to continue to be of service (Step 12), which I believe is God's idea. 

I just realized that in this case, my idea and God's idea are the same:  for me to be of service.  Actually, this is probably God's idea in all cases. (Yikes!) 

Excuse me while I take a quick intermission to process a spiritual awakening...

OK, I'm back. 

As I was going to say, my "Super Mom idea" means I am trying to serve others on my own power.  God's idea means my service to others is fueled by the power that I receive from Him.  Let me think...my power versus God's power... It's a no brainer, right?  I mean, DUH!!!  When I put it that way, I feel Super Silly to even think about doing anything on my own power.  But, like I said before, my real problem is the way I think.

Love to you all.