Tuesday, September 21, 2010

I asked for it!

"Be careful what you pray for..." 

I have been asking God to show me how to truly love others; without conditions, without expectations, and to give of myself in service out of love alone.  I had the opportunity twice in the last three days to be of service in a true spirit of love.  My motives were good.  It felt wonderful.  I was so excited until...

One of my little acts of service did not go as planned.  I started a task to help my darling husband out and when I didn't have what I needed to finish I blamed him for it and had the audacity to then say if he would have done it himself in the first place this never would have happened.  My sick mind thought, "This is what I get for trying to be nice."  OMG!  Talk about a major backfire!

I was never more ashamed and disgusted with my behavior as I was after this happened.  But guess what?  I didn't drink over it.  Instead I used the Steps of the program to admit my powerlessness over my craziness, asked God to restore my sanity, turned my will over to him once again, completed an inventory of the situation (but skipped over step 5 and didn't talk with anyone about it before making amends, which came back to bite me.)  However faltering, I did make amends to my husband (Steps 8 and 9.) 

God revealed to me just how very ugly and angry I can be, which I am grateful for because it has brought me to a level of humility and surrender to be entirely ready to have these defects of character removed (Step 6.) (What I am not grateful for is the pain it caused my husband.  However, I do not know God's plan for him and maybe God will use this to help him grow, if he is willing.  But, that is none of my business.) In Step 7, I will humbly ask God to remove these shortcomings and if it is his will, I have hope that he will indeed show me how to truly love others. 

I wish it didn't have to been done this way but for this alcoholic, it does:  God has to show me my character defect at its worst so that I can work the Steps to ready myself for its removal.  I am guessing only after its removal will he then show me how to truly love because how can true love of others co-exist with the kind of anger I had in me yesterday?  I don't think it can. 

I have heard it said many times that we can't grow without first experiencing pain; we can't learn without first making mistakes.  These statements have been true in my life and this week was another great lesson.  What I am learning is that no matter how horrible I can act, God still loves me, which means I should still love me.  If I can do that, then no matter how horrible other people act, I can still love them.  And therein lies the meaning of the true love I asked God for in the first place, which is why I wrote (tongue-in-cheek) at the beginning of this post:

"Be careful what you pray for..."  because you just might get it --  Thank God!


  1. Yup I get sucked into reacting instead of acting sometimes! especially with my near and dear one- I don't always think things through when trying to help him out...My impulsive actions cause him to react in a 'Don't bother', manner.Then as you say I have to promptly apologize.
    Sometimes my tone is more defensive than it ought to be. Then I have to decide if my pride can take a cold shower.Maybe if I went back to taking a few breaths w/ the steps; I could eliminate the second phase! Progress-

  2. Excellent insight! As an alcoholic I will do strange and irrational things but I no longer beat myself up for them. It's part of who I am. I agree that sometimes the best way to get to what we ask for is to be shown our own behavior however not pretty it is. Or I'll observe another person acting the very same way I would. I don't judge, I take notes! Those are eye opening moments. Thanks for your truth and being part of my recovery with your posts.....

  3. A good reminder for me. I can be as irrational as any alcoholic at times.


Thank you for sharing!