Finding a Higher Power

The following excerpt from p. 46 in the Big Book says it all for me:

"we discovered we did not need to consider another’s conception of God. Our own conception, however inadequate,was sufficient to make the approach and to effect a contact with Him. As soon as we admitted the possible existence of a Creative Intelligence, a Spirit of the Universe underlying the totality of things, we began to be possessed of a new sense of power and direction, provided we took other simple steps."

For me, this meant that I had to

1) Let go of every idea about God that I ever had.
2) Let go of everyone else's idea of God that I was exposed to.
3) Admit to the possibility of this power's existence only - not to what it is or isn't, but just to that it may or does exist.
4) Ask that power to reveal itself to me.
5) Continually work the 12 steps (so that I can perceive that power as it reveals itself to me and so that I can stay in contact with that power from then on.)

Beyond this I wonder if there is any other way to explain or describe my experience that would be of use to someone else. Would it be futile to share my concept of my higher power if my concept only works for me? Would it be a waste of time for anyone else to try and use my concept of my higher power for their concept of their higher power?

A definition of "concept" states:

"A general idea derived or inferred from specific instances or occurrences."

My concept of my higher power is based on my personal "instances and occurences", and I assume yours would be based off of your personal "instances and occurences", but I don't know. I know that I don't know. What I do suggest, however, especially if you are 1) new or 2) having difficulty connecting with your higher power is to drop all that you think that you know about this power, and then ask it to reveal (or re-reveal) itself to you.

And for goodness sakes, please make sure you are working the steps on a continuous basis. That is our part - our ONLY part; the steps are the "footwork." God takes care of the rest as it is stated in the continuation of the aforementioned excerpt:

"We found that God does not make too hard terms with those who seek Him. To us, the Realm of Spirit is broad, roomy, all inclusive; never exclusive or forbidding to those who earnestly seek. It is open, we believe, to all men.”

How did I used seek this power? By working the rules of various churches, retreats, and revivals - all of which work for many people, I have no doubt - and by working my insane rules of getting my way (i.e., bargaining, begging, pleading, crying) which never lead me to finding God.  For me and for most alcoholics I know, the only thing that enables us to find our higher power is the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.

So, if you are an alcoholic, I encourage you to seek your higher power by working ALL of the Steps because

"rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.......If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it -- then you are ready to take certain steps."

Recovery is a Boat Load of...

I never get tired of reading this excerpt from a talk given by Clancy I.
from Venice, CA.  I hope that you enjoy it as much as I do.

The Invisible Boat

The curse of alcoholism is that eventually reality gets bad enough so you have to drink and the curse of drinking is that eventually it gets bad enough that you have to get sober. That combination is called alcoholism. It doesn’t make any difference if you’re the man who put the flag on the moon or if you’re the man who came out from under the bridge, if you’ve got it there’s no way out because you cannot make sustained reality. Because every time alcohol works for you, it interferes with your ability to live in reality. It distorts perception, and that is why it’s such a difficult thing to treat.

There’s been a great deal of controversy over the years about treatment centers. Old-timers who got sober years ago are not very pleased with the treatment center concept. “We got sober and, by God, we stayed sober.” And they did. It’s just difficult.

And, for my first 15 years, I hardly wanted to talk to people who came out of treatment centers. I thought they were jerks. As I’ve gotten a little more sophisticated, I’ve come to realize there’s a difference. There are good treatment centers and bad treatment centers. But it’s hard to tell which are which, and your life depends on deciding which is which. You think, “Why would anyone want to go to a treatment center anyway?”

The best analogy I’ve been able to think of is it’s like going up to Lake Superior, say Ashland, and say I want to go to Canada. And there’s a nice little yacht sitting there with attendants in their white uniforms, and you smell dinner cooking, and they say, “Won’t you come with us on the S.S. Treatment Center?” And you say, “Maybe.”

And over here are two guys lurking in the underbrush along the shore, saying. “We’re from A.A. You want to come with us in our invisible boat?” Nobody in their right mind is going to get in an invisible boat if they can get on the treatment center boat, I’ll tell you.

So you get on there and you’re glad. It’s comfortable, it’s nice, it’s warm, and they feed you and it’s good. And the only problem is you’re just about in sight of the shore and they say, “Well, this is where we turn back. Gotta go back and get another load.’ “What am I gonna do?” you ask. “Well, just swim like hell.”

And you’re out there swimming and crying, and here come those two goofs in their invisible boat. “You want a ride, buddy?” “I’m not that sick.” And pretty soon you’re drowning and here they come again. “You want a ride, buddy?” Choking and sputtering, you say “yeah.” You get in and as soon as you dry off, you realize “This is stupid. There’s no boat here. We’re floating in midair. This is goofy.” “What am I supposed to do, you guys?” “Grab an oar and row.” “You’re crazy. You’re crazy.” And right then, anybody with sense says “Adios, pal.”

And finally you’re drowning one more time. “You want to get in our boat?” Choking and sputtering again, you say “yeah” and get back in. “What do you want me to do?” “Grab an oar and row.” “Oh, you silly idiots!”

And the irony of A.A. is that as you begin to row, the boat appears. But it doesn’t appear until you begin to row. And you’ve got to be desperate to row an invisible boat. That’s what sponsors are for. They come along from time to time and say, “Hey, goof, you’ve got your oar upside down.” As you row the boat appears. If you keep rowing long enough, you get a very fine craft. Pretty soon it exceeds the S.S. Treatment Center. Pretty soon it gets to be as big and as nice as you want to make it. And the only sad thing is no matter how long it takes, when you start to rest on your oar and don’t row, it begins to disappear again. And if you wait long enough on rowing, you’re back in the water.

That is why people with 25 or 30 or 50 years of sobriety get drunk. Because they’ve got where they want to be and there’s no sense in rowing anymore. “I’m there.” And that’s the function of A.A., to encourage and re-encourage one another to re-commit ourselves to keep rowing no matter how well I’m doing, to just keep rowing. And that’s what the boat is about.

The function of A.A. and its Steps and its sponsors and these actions and involvement is not to make you wonderful. They’re to do something infinitely more complex. They are to upgrade your perception of reality. You’ve got to look at the same things and over a period of time see them differently or they get so depressing you can’t handle it. And you’ve got to keep going and you’ve got to keep trying this.

And, unfortunately for you and me, no matter how you work the program, you will never rise above a basic human being. And human beings are weak and fallible and cross and emotional. No matter how spiritual you get.

And the difference between the “good” treatment center and the “bad” one is simply this: The bad treatment center leads its patients into believing that they are now well enough to swim for the far shore on their own or, in other words, to leave treatment with enough knowledge to insure sobriety on a long term basis. The “good” treatment center may perform the same functions within treatment perhaps but emphatically tells it’s departing patients, “You are dry, clean, fed and sober. But you’ll never be able to make the far shore on your own.”

So when you see those two guys in their invisible boat, jump in and start to row, whether you believe in it or not. You’ll be glad you did.

Clancy I., Venice, CA
Reprinted from http://www.oc-aa.org/lifeline/July08Web.pdf

photo credit

More Hope and More Gratitude

After a severe migraine accompanied by a moderately severe mixed manic/depressive episode last night where hope was sustained only by repeating the words:

I believe.  I trust.

over and over again, I awoke this morning feeling refreshed and more like myself than I have in weeks. 

Today I am grateful for:

• watching a movie with my family last night
• playing a board game with my daughter this morning
• spending time outdoors with my family this afternoon
• not being on the computer all day until now
• not needing a nap today
• not having a headache today

and finally, I am so grateful for:

•  the fact that no matter what is going on around me or inside of me, if I truly believe and truly trust Him in a state of humble surrender, He will comfort me.

Screams, Surrenders, and Serenity

Something really cool happened to me this week.  I yelled and screamed and cried and dare I say cursed at God.  (doesn't sound very cool, but stay with me.) I took all of my anger about that which I am powerless over and brought it to the alter of the Lord with emotions raw and inhibitions gone.  I then dropped to my knees, my entire ugly human condition fully exposed, and begged God for mercy and grace and loving help.  I completely surrendered myself to Him in that moment.  You know what happened next?  He smiled joyfully at me and gave me a big spiritual HUG!

This is a big step for me, who, just a few weeks ago, took my anger about that which I am powerless over out on my husband by yelling, screaming, crying, and cursing at him.  Hubby can't handle that plus he's not my Higher Power.  I deeply hurt him and with God's grace I pray that I will never hurt him like that again.

God, on the other hand can handle me - He is the one I need to go to for Power and I believe that in going to Him with my ugliness first this week rather than to my husband, I was then able to later calmly express to my husband how overwhelmed I have felt this week and ask for his help with responsibilities around the house. 

Guilt, shame, and self-loathing keep me from being completely honest with others, especially God.  I am so appreciative of all His gifts (meaning everything good in my life) that I feel guilty to complain to Him about anything; I feel ashamed to express dissatisfaction about things in my life to Him; and I feel unworthy of what He has already given to me, so who am I to display anything but praise, glory, and gratitude to Him?  (Can you get an idea of how being abused for expressing negative feelings as a child growing up in a home with two alcoholic parents is still playing a role in my own disease?)

In recovery, I am learning to accept the fact that I am human, with negative human emotions, and human imperfections.  I can no longer hide my ugliness under the rug from God.  He knows about it anyway.  But, I can no longer pretend that I am not angry, anxious, and fearful about things in my life at times just because I am ashamed to admit that I do not fully trust Him 100% of the time.  100% of the time?  Why that is perfection!  And perfection is humanly impossible and I am sick and tired of beating myself up for not being something that is impossible to be - perfect.

I refuse to feign complete trust in Him to relieve my sufferings.  I ask Him for this relief, but always follow my request with "thy will, not mine be done."  My will would be to not be an alcoholic, have mental illnesses, and instead be joyful and serene 100% of the time. 

I do believe He has the power to relieve my sufferings but I am not so arrogant to believe that He will do it just because I ask Him for it.  I believe He does what is best for ALL involved, not just me.  The spiritual side of me is humbled and grateful for the opportunity to be used by Him, even for Him to use my suffering as a part in His divine plan.  The human, selfish side of me says, "This sucks, God, can't you do it some other way?"

So, basically, this week I told God that, "this sucks," but I will do my best to do my part, His will, anyway, because I have complete FAITH that He knows what is best.  He is THE director.  I am here to serve Him via the power and knowledge he chooses to gift to me at any given moment.  What a ride!

I am comforted by the fact that I am a work in progress.  I am reassured by many close to me and by my sense of the spirit during prayer and meditation that I am going in the right direction.  For me, that is an OK place to be.

"We may never get where we want to be, but we can always be grateful that we're not where we were." --Anonymous Recovered Alcoholic

Thanks for reading.  Loving you right where you are, too...

Fighting Friggin' Fatigue

Varying degrees of anger, all along the continuum from being minorly irritated to outright enraged, has been attacking my serenity for the last two weeks like guerrilla warfare - taking me by surprise, but quickly retreating seconds after it hits me. 

I am angry about the powerlessness I have over my fluctuating energy levels and moods swings.  As far as I know, I am doing everything I know of to take care of myself except one thing:  Get a regular sleep schedule established.  The biggest obstacle for me is that I don't want to go to bed at a decent hour.

And really that is what it comes down to - like a bratty, little kid - "I DON'T WANT TO!"  Now for those of you who care to know why I'll tell you what I think, but I could be BS-ing myself and just haven't come to realize it yet.  I have learned from experience that I do this to myself often.  But, for now, this is "my story and I am sticking to it" until God reveals more to me, which I know He will.

I don't want to go to bed and get the amount of sleep my body really needs because I enjoy the quietness at night - after everyone else has gone to bed - too much.  During this time, my mind is most creative and reflective.  During the day my body is so busy taking care of day-to-day routines, I know my mind is on auto-pilot.  It is only when there is no child needing their mommy and no husband needing his wife, that I can most comfortably and completely relax and feel peace.  And I love it so much that I just can't bring myself to end it by going to sleep. 

Messed up, huh?

(big sigh)

That's me.  But that's OK.

Today, I am grateful:

• that I don't have to be perfect
• that God loves me no matter what
• that I have a bed to sleep in and a roof over my head
• that I have children and a husband who love me and I them
• for the daily routines that I "get" to do (as opposed to "have" to do)
• for God's grace, which is the only thing removing that anger I mentioned above so quickly - with no effort on my part except to trust God, clean house (not literally, BTW, but spiritually), and help others one day at a time
• that this program IS working in my life, little by little, in God's perfect timing

Love you all.

Depression, Anxiety, Alcoholism, Addiction, Solutions

We spent the weekend out of town visiting friends. I love my friends and I love their kiddos. Even though, we always have a blast, what I don’t love is the extremely high levels of stimuli in a house full twenty people for 36 hours. Maybe someday I won’t feel so anxious and overwhelmed by the noise and hustle and bustle of these get-togethers.

I didn’t use to feel this way before we all started have kids ten years ago. I didn’t used to when I was still drinking 7 years ago. I didn’t use to 3 years ago when my anxiety and major depression disorders where under control. But, now and for the last two and a half years, despite working my 12 step programs and continuing to work with my doctor on medication options, I still experience symptoms of the aforementioned mental illnesses daily.


My doctor told my husband and me this week that 53% of patients on antidepressants continue to experience symptoms of anxiety and depressive disorders even while on medication, although the medication does make the symptoms less intense. The other 47% are completely relieved of their symptoms once on medication. She also said that it is common in women for the mental illness to get worse as we get older due to hormonal changes after childbirth and during pre-menopause and menopause.

As I wrestle with the effects of “chronic, recurrent depression” (as my doctor put it) --and I mean the biological, chemical imbalance of neurotransmitters in the brain type mental illness-- and alcoholism, which 12 step program literature describes as a spiritual illness or a sickness of the soul, I often feel like they tag team me. The most frustrating aspect of having both mental illness and alcoholism is when my symptoms worsen, I wonder if it is because I am slacking off in some part of my spiritual program or is it because I need to talk to my doctor about the possibility of medication burn out (it has been proven in research that psychiatric medicines will loose their effectiveness in many patients after they are on them for some time.)

I spoke with my sponsor about this issue and she, who has both depression (although completely controlled with medication) and alcoholism (recovered via a 12 Step program for 27 years now), said that for her, when behaviors and/or symptoms continually occur over and over again or repeatedly for many days or weeks in a row, especially when they are unrelated to any identifiable triggers or stressors that are out of the ordinary, she calls her doctor about it.

On the flip side, when symptoms pop up during specific instances and then shortly pass as a result of working the steps, she attributes these to her character defects versus symptoms that require medical attention. This has been my experience when dealing with character defects as well.

My experience has also shown me that my symptoms of mental illness, on the other hand, do not pass without medical intervention and most importantly, not only do they not pass, but THEY GET WORSE and keep getting worse to the point that I have thoughts of harming myself.

My life is good. I have a supportive, loving husband, two healthy, loving kids, an extended family that would do anything for us, and a host of friends both in and out of the programs who would also do anything for us. My relationship with God is the best it has ever been since I started drinking, quit drinking, and now don’t drink at all. I am well-taken care of by caring, competent doctors. I do service work both in and out of the program. I work the 12 steps daily. I have no resentments at the moment nor do I usually and most days I am not fearful of anything or anyone.

So, why do I still get overwhelmed/over stimulated and fatigued when I am around a lot of people for any length of time, or when I am out of my daily routine, or when I am gone from the house for too long, or don’t have hours of time to spend in complete silence everyday? For me, I think it’s a chemical-brain thing.  But, honestly, I don't know anything for sure.  And…

It’s ok. I’m ok with it. I accept this. I accept me. I love me just how I am because I know that God loves me just as I am and I believe his will for me is to love myself just as I am and to also love others just as they are. What a wonderful gift! To be loved and to be able to love - just as we are...just like God does.

And if you have depression, anxiety and/or bipolar disorders like me, you’re ok, too. I know it hurts. I know it’s painful. I know that sometimes you feel like you cannot bear it one more day.

When I am in the depths of these emotional abysses, I have to force myself to call someone, my sponsor, a trusted friend, a spiritual advisor, my husband…and always my doctor if I start to have thoughts of suicide.

I have to force myself to ask God what is it he would like for me to learn about myself?

I have to force myself to thank God for the pain, knowing that someday, as he already has many times in the past year, he will send others my way who will need someone’s help…someone who has experienced and lived through the type of pain they are in…someone like me.

For me, while mental illness and alcoholism may manifest themselves in similar ways, they have different causes if the mental illness is biologically based (meaning the brain is lacking in certain chemicals that regulate moods.) I am and always will be first and foremost an alcoholic. I work a 12 step program to treat my alcoholism. I also have mood disorders caused by chemical imbalances in my brain for which I take medication prescribed by my doctor . I thank God for both solutions. I need both solutions.

Finally, I must humbly admit that I don’t know anything. I believe that all I am really called to do is to share my experience, strength, and hope with those out there who still suffer. And really - don’t we all suffer at some time or another?

So keep sharing. No story is right or wrong. Every story is important because God uses our stories to bring others to him, whether we know if we do or not.

The paths to Him are many. Keep an open mind, be willing, and be honest and you will find the path that works for you. I promise you will, if you just don’t give up!

And whether I know you or not…I love you all…

"Not my will but thine be done"

"Tomorrow morning," the surgeon began, "I'll open up your heart..."


"You'll find Jesus there," the boy interrupted..


The surgeon looked up, annoyed. "I'll cut your heart open," he continued, "to see how much damage has been done..."


"But when you open up my heart, you'll find Jesus in there," said the boy.


The surgeon looked to the parents, who sat quietly. "When I see how much damage has been done, I'll sew your heart and chest back up, and I'll plan what to do next."


"But you'll find Jesus in my heart. The Bible says He lives there. The hymns all say He lives there. You'll find Him in my heart."
 
The surgeon had had enough. "I'll tell you what I'll find in your heart.  I'll find damaged muscle, low blood supply, and weakened vessels.  And I'll find out if I can make you well."


"You'll find Jesus there, too. He lives there."


The surgeon left.




The surgeon sat in his office, recording his notes from the surgery, "....damaged aorta, damaged pulmonary vein, widespread muscle degeneration.  No hope for transplant, no hope for cure. Therapy:  painkillers and bed rest.  Prognosis:"  here he paused, "death within one year."


He stopped the recorder, but there was more to be said. "Why?" he asked aloud.  "Why did You do this?  You've put him here; You've put him in this pain; and You've cursed him to an early death. Why?"


The Lord answered and said, "The boy, my lamb, was not meant for your flock for long, for he is a part of My flock, and will forever be.  Here, in My flock, he will feel no pain and will be comforted as you cannot imagine.  His parents will one day join him here and they will know peace, and My flock will continue to grow.."


The surgeon's tears were hot, but his anger was hotter. "You created that boy and You created that heart.  He'll be dead in months. Why?"


The Lord answered, "The boy, My lamb, shall return to My flock, for He has done his duty.  I did not put My lamb with your flock to lose him, but to retrieve another lost lamb."


The surgeon, the lost lamb, wept...


The surgeon sat beside the boy's bed.  The boy's parents sat across from him. The boy awoke and whispered, "Did you cut open my heart?"


"Yes," said the surgeon.


"What did you find?" asked the boy.

"I found Jesus there," said the surgeon.


Author
Unknown - Celebrate Jesus in 2010

I asked for it!

"Be careful what you pray for..." 

I have been asking God to show me how to truly love others; without conditions, without expectations, and to give of myself in service out of love alone.  I had the opportunity twice in the last three days to be of service in a true spirit of love.  My motives were good.  It felt wonderful.  I was so excited until...

One of my little acts of service did not go as planned.  I started a task to help my darling husband out and when I didn't have what I needed to finish I blamed him for it and had the audacity to then say if he would have done it himself in the first place this never would have happened.  My sick mind thought, "This is what I get for trying to be nice."  OMG!  Talk about a major backfire!

I was never more ashamed and disgusted with my behavior as I was after this happened.  But guess what?  I didn't drink over it.  Instead I used the Steps of the program to admit my powerlessness over my craziness, asked God to restore my sanity, turned my will over to him once again, completed an inventory of the situation (but skipped over step 5 and didn't talk with anyone about it before making amends, which came back to bite me.)  However faltering, I did make amends to my husband (Steps 8 and 9.) 

God revealed to me just how very ugly and angry I can be, which I am grateful for because it has brought me to a level of humility and surrender to be entirely ready to have these defects of character removed (Step 6.) (What I am not grateful for is the pain it caused my husband.  However, I do not know God's plan for him and maybe God will use this to help him grow, if he is willing.  But, that is none of my business.) In Step 7, I will humbly ask God to remove these shortcomings and if it is his will, I have hope that he will indeed show me how to truly love others. 

I wish it didn't have to been done this way but for this alcoholic, it does:  God has to show me my character defect at its worst so that I can work the Steps to ready myself for its removal.  I am guessing only after its removal will he then show me how to truly love because how can true love of others co-exist with the kind of anger I had in me yesterday?  I don't think it can. 

I have heard it said many times that we can't grow without first experiencing pain; we can't learn without first making mistakes.  These statements have been true in my life and this week was another great lesson.  What I am learning is that no matter how horrible I can act, God still loves me, which means I should still love me.  If I can do that, then no matter how horrible other people act, I can still love them.  And therein lies the meaning of the true love I asked God for in the first place, which is why I wrote (tongue-in-cheek) at the beginning of this post:

"Be careful what you pray for..."  because you just might get it --  Thank God!

How we feel vs. what we know - One Day at a Time

Sometimes I hear just what I need to hear not during a meeting but before or after a meeting.  Before my last homegroup meeting, a man I know walked in and sat next to me.  I said, "Hi, ______.  How's it going?"  He said, "Good."  (pause)  "I guess."  I said, "You guess?"  He said, "Well, I know everything is how it's supposed to be."  He smiled and looked straight into my eyes when he said that and I nodded and smiled back.  We both knew that we completely understood each other.

The program has taught us that what is going on in our life and how we feel about it is not what is most important. What is important is that we believe God is in charge, which means "everything is how it's supposed to be." 

I don't know the details of what is going on in this man's life but I know he's ok.  And I know I am ok because I am like him.  Life can be good, bad, or indifferent.  Doesn't matter.  If I trust in God, clean house, and help others "one day at a time," I believe life is always how it is supposed to be at any given moment.  We are all ok.

A Week of Virtues - Day 4 - Faith

Faith Definition:  Complete confidence in a person, plan, or set of beliefs, etc.

"Faith is daring the soul to go beyond what the eyes can see."   ~  William Newton Clark

Before entering recovery, I would have told you that I had faith but what I really had was a belief in God.  Others in recovery suggested that I look up words as I studied and practiced recovery principles even if I thought I knew what they meant because quite often I don't.  Faith is a belief in the trustworthiness or having confidence in someone or something.  Belief is merely an opinion or conviction that something is true or factual.  So, while I believed that God was real, I did not have faith or trust in him.

Before the program, my faith was in the "God of Reason," as the Big Book of AA states.  I often find that my faith still gets stuck in my intellect when I become obsessed with understanding my diseases of alcoholism and depression in an attempt to manage them. When knowledge is my higher power, God is not and then my insanity begins.

Step 3, which asks me to" make a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand him," invites me to give up my attempts to control life.  But, I won't make this decision if I don't first "come to believe in a power greater than myself who can restore me to sanity (i.e., Step 2)."  This Step is hard for me because, while I believe that God can restore me to sanity, I don't always have the faith or confidence that he will.  Why wouldn't he?  I don't know.  Why don't I have faith that he will?  Well, this probably calls for some Step 4 work, but my first guess is because I don't think I deserve to be sane let alone happy.  Anyone, ever feel that way? 

Another barrier to turning my will over to God is believing that I have power over my diseases, events and people in my life, etc.  When this is the case, I am back at Step 1 - "admitting I am powerless over alcohol (or fill in the blank) and that my life has become unmanageable."

Power, belief, faith...I have no power, I believe in God, and I have been given a "faith that works" (a faith in God versus a faith in intellect, reason, knowledge, or my own power.)  My only job is to make the decision to use it.  Simple, but not easy.   

"Faith is a bird that feels dawn breaking and sings while it is still dark."  ~  Rabindranath Tagoret

photo credit

Swim with me

photo credit

I have been extremely busy lately.  I went camping last week with my husband and children.  We had a wonderful time making many fun memories.  We swam, played miniature golf, swam, tie-dyed shirts, swam, and did I mention we swam?  What is it about swimming that kids love so much?  Mine spent hours in the pool day after day, swimming and splashing, laughing and loving life.  I am reminded of the blue fish named Dory from the movie, Finding Nemo, who sang, “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.”  It has been so hot here with the temperatures in the high 90s and heat indices of well over 100 degrees that I had to get OUT of the pool to cool off because the water was so warm.  Imagine taking a warm bath in 100 degree weather!

This weekend my daughter participated in a musical recital.  She made a fairly large mistake in the middle of her performance and was quite upset about it afterwards.  We praised her for keeping her composure and finishing her piece despite the lengthy error.  We told her that it took much more courage and strength to keep going after making a mistake than if she would have performed perfectly.  She seemed to understand this idea and I hope she gained a new sense of confidence in her character as a person as opposed to her abilities as a musician.  I think the former will serve her better in life in the long run.

As usual, God parents me via the lessons I try to teach my children.  As I wrote the above paragraph, I heard God saying, “Yes, Marie, instead of beating yourself up every time you make a mistake just keep going.”  The shame, embarrassment, and self-hatred I used to feel after making a mistake would immobilize me like kryptonite would Superman.  Of course these feelings came directly from my most glaring character defect:  PRIDE (in the forms of perfectionism and fear of what others might think of me.)

Thanks to working the Steps of the program, particularly Steps 6 and 7, my pride, which used to be the size of a great white shark with the same ability to attack and kill, is--on most days--more like the size of a dolphin and likewise, can be tamed but is still a wild animal in its purest sense.  Some day I hope my pride is the size of a tiny goldfish swimming humbly in a bowl of God's love, His Grace surrounding me always, breathing the peace and serenity of His presence in and out, in and out... Ahhh...

Until then, I suppose I will “just keep swimming, just keep swimming.”  I hope that you keep swimming, too.

Dory: Hey there, Mr. Grumpy Gills. When life gets you down do you wanna know what you've gotta do?
Marlin: No I don't wanna know.
Dory: [singing] Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim, swim.

Quote courtesy of The Internet Movie Database

Marie's Step 3 Prayer

Wash away my sins, Oh God.

I do not know my being.

Make of me

As you see fit.

It’s time I start believing.

From this day forth with your grace

I give my whole life to you.

Humble me.

I see your face.

Please tell me what now to do.

Fill my heart with a passion

That can never be ignored.

Guide me through

Your earthly land,

I beg of you , my sweet Lord.

Thank you for cleansing my soul;

Easing its torment and pain.

I offer

all to your Son;

Quaking, I call out his name:

Jesus! Please save me…again.

Forgive me. Mold me. Hold me

Safely in

Your loving arms,

My Savior, Master, and Friend.

~ Written by Marie on August 3, 2004

photo credit