Sponsorship in Recovery

Sponsorship can mean so many things.  To me it means a mentor, someone who can show you the ropes, so to speak.  Someone who has been in similar situations and knows how you feel and has found a way of life that brings them peace and joy, and is willing to share how they found this way of life with you.

What a sponsor should not do, in my opinion, is demand anything!

A sponsor is someone who suggests, leads, and directs one on their spiritual path, in a general way.  The exact path cannot be orchestrated by a sponsor...influenced, yes, but not planned out in detail.

"Don't make goals out of the spiritual path. A goal implies time, working toward something in the future. But the spiritual path is about discovering what you already are. You are the goal. Now come to understand what that means and live it."  ~ Unknown author

What does sponsorship mean to you?  Have you experienced sponsors who have dictated your daily decisions?  How has this worked or not worked for you? 

Sobriety, Emotional and Mental Disorders

Hello? -hello, hello {echoing}...

I am alive. Thank you to those who have inquired about my hiatus. Recovery is a peculiar thing. Being alcohol-free is not as free as it sounds. For me, it has cost the blissful ignorance I used to have about my true nature.

I have been coming to terms with some hard truths about myself. Some UGLY, hard truths, which I am processing through more so than ever currently. As a result, I have had to step back from blogging for a bit because I believe it is in everyone's best interest to not throw too much crap out into the world. There is enough as it is. And honestly (because it is an honest program, after all :), that is all I've had to offer lately. And ironically, because of the 12 step program, I know that only being capable of slinging crap is ok as long as it is done in a way that doesn't harm anyone, including the program, and as long as I keep using the steps as my solution.

It says in the Big Book, "there are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest." Friends, I am here to tell you that I have that capacity and therefore, I HAVE HOPE! As long as there is breath inside of me, I have hope.

And I will continue to offer my experience and strength to others. For now, however, I have not the strength to do it on this blog. I am leaning hard on those around me. They are sharing their strength with me. It IS "how it works" and it is a beautiful thing.

Alcoholism and Mental Illness: A Double Edged Sword

“To be a good and genuine follower of Christ, there is no need of great things—it is enough to have the common, simple and human virtues, but they need to be true and authentic” ~ Pope John Paul II

The last two months have been up and down but constantly busy. I hit a depressive bottom a few weeks ago that had been building up for about a month.


I have noticed a pattern of late…every few months I suffer from a depressive episode followed by a month of euphoria and lastly, a slow decline into the next depressive state. Up and down, up and down. Such is the life of living with bipolar disease or alcoholism or both.


I discussed the challenges of having both mental illness and alcoholism with a couple of ladies in the program, who have both, and in our experience it is a pain in the butt!


There are some who will say that the two illnesses are one in the same; that as one’s spiritual condition improves the mental twists of these diseases will subside. In my experience, this is true for alcoholism but not always for bipolar depression.

I had a sponsor who did not suffer from depression in sobriety and therefore, couldn’t understand the mental and physical anguish I was experiencing at the time. She implored me to “get out of myself” and do more service work, to work harder on the steps, especially one through three, to get out of my self-pity, make gratitude lists, and go to more meetings.


I did these things and I continued to deteriorate until I tried to take my own life – after years of sobriety. Why? Because I became hopeless. I became hopeless because I was doing all of the things that make a “normal” alcoholic’s spiritual life blossom into a beautiful garden of serenity. Because I was doing what she was doing and it wasn’t having the same effect on me as it was her.


When I came to the rooms of this 12 step program I had lost all hope, I had hit bottom, I was out of answers. I found hope again by working the 12 steps of the program. I was amazed, grateful, humbled, and relieved. I finally found a way to connect with my God and I finally felt peace. I finally felt like I had a purpose in life – like I belonged here. I finally felt that sense of ease and comfort as I placed myself in the hands of my Creator by doing what was suggested to me; by doing what worked so well for others.

So, three years later when these solutions kept working for those around me and they no longer worked for me, I lost all hope once again. I hit another bottom. Alcohol definitely stopped working for me but how could a spiritual program of love and service stop working? I was devastated, in disbelief, terrified, and more hopeless than I had ever been while still drinking. (Even writing about it now literally takes my breath away.)


Now, almost four more years later, I continue to hit emotional bottoms every few months. I continue to ride the roller coaster of mental illness, which has many of the same strange and peculiar mental twists as alcoholism but in my experience, is not as easily managed by spiritual improvement alone.


The book tells me that alcoholism is a mental obsession and a physical allergy. The 12 steps removed my mental obsession for alcohol, which in turn, significantly reduces the chances of me drinking and activating the physical allergy.


Mental illness is not a mental obsession perse nor is it a physical allergy of some sort. It is a medical disease based mostly on the imbalance of certain chemicals in the brain. For many who have both mental illness and alcoholism, medication, the 12 steps, counseling at times, and a number of other interventions are needed. For many of those who are strictly alcoholic, the 12 steps are enough to recover.


Mental illness is real. Alcoholism is real. They both hurt. They both kill. They both affect all aspects of one’s being, physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. However, not everyone who has mental illness is alcoholic and not everyone who is a sober alcoholic has mental illness (in the brain chemical imbalance sense.)


Therefore, when I am having trouble coping with life and someone’s tells me to work the steps harder, get out of myself, stop feeling sorry for myself, make gratitude lists, help others, go to more meetings and I do take these actions yet continue to get worse, I know that I need to call a professional in for help.


If I do what is suggested to me and my condition improves then yay! for the steps and this wonderful program for alcoholics (I repeat, “this program for alcoholics” not this program for alcoholics with bipolar depression.)


Now, I can hear some of those in my meetings saying, “You’re not unique. Don’t single yourself out. You’re not different.” These statements are true in and of themselves, however, I think many people use them out of context. After all, don’t we say that we can’t drink like normal people? Aren’t our bodies and minds different than that of the average social drinker? And for goodness sakes, our own Grapevine is singling out alcoholics who are also gay, in their current issue. Why then, can’t my body and mind be different than the average or normal alcoholic?


In summary, I want to reiterate for myself a few things that I have learned over the past couple of years:

1. don’t lumped people into a big category pot with cookie cutter solutions
2. don’t assume that I know best about what someone needs to do just because it worked that way for me
3. don’t forget that we are all individuals with particular needs that only a Higher Power knows how to fulfill and sometimes He does so through the minds and actions of those outside of the program (i.e., medical professionals, clergy, spouse, non-alcoholic friend or family member)
4. don’t assume that every solution lays at the end of improving my spiritual condition but that it may be possible for the improved spiritual condition to be but the beginning of a road that leads me to the tangible solutions my Higher Power wants to bring me to (i.e., medication, counseling, major life-style changes, etc.)
5. be humble and try to remember that I don’t know anything as far as what is best for me, you, or the man on the moon
6. ask for help
7. easy does it
8. don’t quit before the miracle happens (or after it happens because for me, the need for and the appearance of subsequent miracles continues on and on, up and down, etc., etc.)

Sobriety and Life Tie the Knot

Sober living is hard, enjoyable, stressful, serene, tough, and simple.  How can it be so many opposing things?  It can for me because it is life, a mysterious experience of co-existing joy and sorrow, suffering and relief, pain and serenity.  It is real, it is now, and it is unpredictable.

I am going on seven consecutive weeks of family illnesses, snow days, holidays, birthdays, and crises - all the usual life events - with no end yet in sight.  I want to run away via the bottle, the car, or in my really low spots, death. 

Thank goodness God has other plans for me. Otherwise, I would be writing this drunk, from a deserted island, or not at all.

I have a lot to complain about…many things I don’t like but as my sponsor says, I “don’t have to like it.”  I also have a lot to be grateful for…many things that I do like…and when I focus on those aspects of my life I have a real chance at conforming to God’s will - staying sober, living with my family, and remaining alive.

How do I keep my focus on the positives?  I have only one answer:

by working the 12 steps:

1. Admitting my powerlessness
2. Believing God will restore me to sanity
3. Trusting in His will
4. Completing a thorough self-appraisal
5. Calling my sponsor/telling her everything
6. Being willing for God to improve my character
7. Asking Him to improve my character
8. Making a list of those whom I have harmed
9. Making amends when appropriate
10. Performing repeated self-appraisals
11. Praying and meditating
12. Practicing these principles in all areas of my life and carrying the message to other alcoholics through service work (going to meetings to share and listen, sponsoring other women, writing these blog posts, etc.)

A long time ago, life handed me a rope and sometimes I swing joyfully from it like a child and sometimes I am tempted to noose it and hang myself.  Right now, I am tying a knot in the end of it and hanging on…while God and those who love me stand underneath with open arms, waiting to catch me if I fall. 

What more could I ask for?

So Your Sober - Now What?

Live.

How?

Go to meetings to get a sponsor to work a 12-step program to improve your contact with God to help others.  Repeat.

Why?

It works for me.

Recovery Blogging and Anonymity - Is There a Problem?

What is your motivation for blogging about your recovery journey?

My motivation for blogging is simply to share my experience, strength and hope with those who still suffer, as I am called to do in Step 12.


What are your thoughts regarding the anonymity of yourself and others both online and off?

In my experience, many of the non-online recovery meetings I attend -- you know, the ones I actually have to get into my car, drive to, and see people face to face at -- have incorporated the following into their meeting format announcements on anonymity: "do not disclose what you hear here or who you see here without that person's expressed consent."

For example, even something as basic as me asking my sponsor who she saw at a meeting would result in this response from her: "you should have gone if you wanted to know." She's right.

I think it is never my place to disclose information about other people by any means (Internet, telephone conversation, email, etc.) in a way that will identify them to others who know them (even something as simple as their attendance at a particular meeting.)

Some bloggers write about the people they sponsor or people in their meetings (and even the details of what these people share in the meetings) and I literally cringe. I try never to do this. I try only to talk about me ("try" being the key word here.) 

On the other hand, maybe people have given these bloggers their permission to discuss their life on the blog. 

For me, blogging is no different than being in an open recovery meeting where anyone is invited to attend.  In both cases, my goals are the same: 

1. to share my experience, strength, and hope with others and
2. to try not to talk about other people and their stories 

However, my anonymity is greater protected online than at an open meeting because one, people know who I am at the meetings I frequent and two, if they don't know me they can obviously see what I look like. Neither is possible online because I do not use my real name nor do I post any pictures of myself or anyone I know.


Do you protect your anonymity online and if so, how?

In addition to not using my full name nor posting any photos of myself or those whom I know, I also have not told anyone who knows me in "real life" about this blog (including my program friends, my sponsor, the women I sponsor, non-program friends, family members -with one exception - etc.)

They all know that I do a lot of recovery reading online. They also know that I write a lot but do not know that one of the mediums I use when writing is a blog platform. My husband knows about my blog, he is the only one.

I also do not report specific details about meeting topics, days, times, and what I specifically said in a meeting or to another person.  I never know who might stumble across my blog and think, "Wow, (insert my real name) just said the exact same thing in a meeting last thursday that had the exact same topic.  Oh wow, this girl said these things in a meeting last thursday, too..." 

Maybe I am being paranoid but I haven't yet figured out how to conveniently block my IP address every time I comment on another blog.  I know that many stat counters track times and locations of visitors and so do the blog platforms when visitors leave comments. 

Therefore, it would not take much effort for someone to figure out a person's geographical location.  Although, maybe a lot of people don't know this and in that case, I am going to regret pointing it out!  :)


What do the 12 step programs say about online anonymity and how do you apply it to your Internet activities?

The literature of several 12 step programs states and I quote: "At this altitude (press, radio, films, and television), anonymity -100% anonymity - was the only possible answer. Here, principles would have to come before personalities, without exception."

It also says, "The promoter instinct in us might be our undoing. If even one ["self-appointed members presenting themselves as messiahs representing (the program) before the whole public"] publicly got drunk, or was lured into using (the program's) name for his own purposes, the damage might be irreparable." This is where more is being revealed to me.


"...self-appointed members presenting themselves as messiahs representing (the program) before the whole public..."

First of all, after my blog was up and going for several months, I all of the sudden got a weird feeling about identifying myself as a member of any particular 12 step program because it felt like my "promoter instinct" was kicking in...even though I had a disclaimer statement on my blog's homepage saying that I was in no way representing any 12 step program or any other organization as a whole, that my blog was simply my opinions, etc, etc,.

Nonetheless, I went back through almost 100 posts and changed any reference to any program name to the generic words, "recovery program" or "a 12 step program" because there are many different kinds of recovery and 12 step programs, not just the ones I am in. (I am still in the process of changing these references so if you come across one or notice that I slip one in by accident please let me know.) 

Now, I realize that it would not take much effort for someone to figure out which programs I am in based on what addictions I talk about on this blog but I am doing the best I can to not "promote" those programs by name.


"...was lured into using (the program's) name for his own purposes..."

Next, if my purpose for blogging becomes anything more than being available in a spirit of loving service to my fellows, then I know I should stop. This is why I do not have ads on my blog, for example.


"...publicly got drunk..."

Finally, "even if one publicly got drunk...the damage might be irreparable." Could this happen online? I guess if I wrote a blog post blog post while drunk and told everyone, "hey!  I'm drunk!"  hmmmm....
Any thoughts on this one?


12 step program statements specific to anonymity online

One of the 12 step program's statements on anonymity and internet websites clearly says that "as long as full names and photos are not used, the principles of anonymity are being upheld."

Here is another great reference:

GENERAL SOCIAL NETWORKING WEB SITES

MySpace, Facebook and other social networking Web sites are public in nature. Though users create accounts and utilize usernames and passwords, once on the site, it is a public medium where members and non-members mingle.  As long as individuals do not identify themselves as members, there is no conflict of interest. However, someone using their full name and/or a likeness, such as a full-face photograph, would be contrary to the spirit of the Eleventh Tradition, which states in the Long Form that, “…our [last] names and pictures as members ought not be broadcast, filmed or publicly printed.”  Experience suggests that it is in keeping with the Eleventh Tradition not to disclose membership on social networking sites as well as on any other Web site, blog, electronic bulletin board, etc., that is not composed solely of members, is not password protected or is accessible to the public.

Final Thoughts

In my opinion, any form a self-promotion (i.e., using full name, photo of self, making money, gaining favors, fame, or prestige in anyway) in conjunction with use of any program's name is a definite violation of its stated Traditions.  That being said, I have to remember that the programs themselves state that these Traditions are only "suggestions" (i. e., not laws.)

However, if someone is blatantly ignoring the suggestions on anonymity, I do believe that I have a responsibility as a member of such programs to humbly bring my concern to that person's attention for the sole purpose of helping the programs remain safe, anonymous havens for all those who need them. 

These traditions also teach me how to consider what is best for EVERYONE involved, not just myself, which is another reason to remain anonymous online and off. 


Finally, as with anything in life, I try to remember to work Step 3 and trust that God will safeguard these 12 step programs no matter how badly we may screw them  up! :)

Recovery is a Boat Load of...

I never get tired of reading this excerpt from a talk given by Clancy I.
from Venice, CA.  I hope that you enjoy it as much as I do.

The Invisible Boat

The curse of alcoholism is that eventually reality gets bad enough so you have to drink and the curse of drinking is that eventually it gets bad enough that you have to get sober. That combination is called alcoholism. It doesn’t make any difference if you’re the man who put the flag on the moon or if you’re the man who came out from under the bridge, if you’ve got it there’s no way out because you cannot make sustained reality. Because every time alcohol works for you, it interferes with your ability to live in reality. It distorts perception, and that is why it’s such a difficult thing to treat.

There’s been a great deal of controversy over the years about treatment centers. Old-timers who got sober years ago are not very pleased with the treatment center concept. “We got sober and, by God, we stayed sober.” And they did. It’s just difficult.

And, for my first 15 years, I hardly wanted to talk to people who came out of treatment centers. I thought they were jerks. As I’ve gotten a little more sophisticated, I’ve come to realize there’s a difference. There are good treatment centers and bad treatment centers. But it’s hard to tell which are which, and your life depends on deciding which is which. You think, “Why would anyone want to go to a treatment center anyway?”

The best analogy I’ve been able to think of is it’s like going up to Lake Superior, say Ashland, and say I want to go to Canada. And there’s a nice little yacht sitting there with attendants in their white uniforms, and you smell dinner cooking, and they say, “Won’t you come with us on the S.S. Treatment Center?” And you say, “Maybe.”

And over here are two guys lurking in the underbrush along the shore, saying. “We’re from A.A. You want to come with us in our invisible boat?” Nobody in their right mind is going to get in an invisible boat if they can get on the treatment center boat, I’ll tell you.

So you get on there and you’re glad. It’s comfortable, it’s nice, it’s warm, and they feed you and it’s good. And the only problem is you’re just about in sight of the shore and they say, “Well, this is where we turn back. Gotta go back and get another load.’ “What am I gonna do?” you ask. “Well, just swim like hell.”

And you’re out there swimming and crying, and here come those two goofs in their invisible boat. “You want a ride, buddy?” “I’m not that sick.” And pretty soon you’re drowning and here they come again. “You want a ride, buddy?” Choking and sputtering, you say “yeah.” You get in and as soon as you dry off, you realize “This is stupid. There’s no boat here. We’re floating in midair. This is goofy.” “What am I supposed to do, you guys?” “Grab an oar and row.” “You’re crazy. You’re crazy.” And right then, anybody with sense says “Adios, pal.”

And finally you’re drowning one more time. “You want to get in our boat?” Choking and sputtering again, you say “yeah” and get back in. “What do you want me to do?” “Grab an oar and row.” “Oh, you silly idiots!”

And the irony of A.A. is that as you begin to row, the boat appears. But it doesn’t appear until you begin to row. And you’ve got to be desperate to row an invisible boat. That’s what sponsors are for. They come along from time to time and say, “Hey, goof, you’ve got your oar upside down.” As you row the boat appears. If you keep rowing long enough, you get a very fine craft. Pretty soon it exceeds the S.S. Treatment Center. Pretty soon it gets to be as big and as nice as you want to make it. And the only sad thing is no matter how long it takes, when you start to rest on your oar and don’t row, it begins to disappear again. And if you wait long enough on rowing, you’re back in the water.

That is why people with 25 or 30 or 50 years of sobriety get drunk. Because they’ve got where they want to be and there’s no sense in rowing anymore. “I’m there.” And that’s the function of A.A., to encourage and re-encourage one another to re-commit ourselves to keep rowing no matter how well I’m doing, to just keep rowing. And that’s what the boat is about.

The function of A.A. and its Steps and its sponsors and these actions and involvement is not to make you wonderful. They’re to do something infinitely more complex. They are to upgrade your perception of reality. You’ve got to look at the same things and over a period of time see them differently or they get so depressing you can’t handle it. And you’ve got to keep going and you’ve got to keep trying this.

And, unfortunately for you and me, no matter how you work the program, you will never rise above a basic human being. And human beings are weak and fallible and cross and emotional. No matter how spiritual you get.

And the difference between the “good” treatment center and the “bad” one is simply this: The bad treatment center leads its patients into believing that they are now well enough to swim for the far shore on their own or, in other words, to leave treatment with enough knowledge to insure sobriety on a long term basis. The “good” treatment center may perform the same functions within treatment perhaps but emphatically tells it’s departing patients, “You are dry, clean, fed and sober. But you’ll never be able to make the far shore on your own.”

So when you see those two guys in their invisible boat, jump in and start to row, whether you believe in it or not. You’ll be glad you did.

Clancy I., Venice, CA
Reprinted from http://www.oc-aa.org/lifeline/July08Web.pdf

photo credit

Thankfulness for Prayers and Footwork

I am so grateful to read the comments from fellow migraine sufferers.  Thank you.  Your words make me feel less alone.  The good news is my doctor has discontinued the medicine that didn't allow me to take any Alleve, which is the only thing I have found to work on my migraines.  My blood pressure has been high, but we (meaning my doctors and me) are not sure if this is due to the pain of the migraines or if the high blood pressure has been causing the migraines.  In other words, which comes first...  So, now that the migraines are back under control I get to start monitoring my blood pressure for the next few weeks to see if it runs high on a regular basis (even when I am feeling well.)  More footwork...

One of the greatest things the 12 Step program teaches me is that I am not going to get what I need without doing a little footwork first.  I spoke with two different women this week (both in the program) in the midst of my excruciating pain and cried,

"What am I supposed to do?  I keep praying and praying to God to help me accept this or to take it away, whatever His will may be." 

They both responded by reminding me that I have to take action (in addition to prayer) in order for God's will to be carried out.  The action I needed to take was to call my doctors immediately and tell them what I was going through and insist that something be done rather than suffer until my next scheduled appointment. 

I am learning little by little to take care of myself in ways I never had to before all of these physical and mental ailments developed.  I am starting to love myself enough to say,

"Hey!  It is not ok for me to be this sick.  I want to get better.  I want to be well.  I want to be - dare I say it - happy!" 

My whole life I have been so critical of myself that deep down I thought I didn't deserve to be happy.  I thought I was such a horrible person that I probably should suffer.  I was damaged goods...the child of two alcoholics, an alcoholic myself with mental disorders, a failure as a mom and wife, friend, and daughter.

In reality, I am not any of those things.  I am just one of God's kids, who was raised by a couple of God's other kids who made mistakes.  I am just one of God's kids, who is raising a couple more of His kids, and making mistakes of my own (although, thanks to the program, I am making fewer mistakes than my parents did, which is progress...I will not reach perfection in this life.)

Making mistakes doesn't mean I am a failure but rather a human being.  Being human doesn't mean I am a bad person but rather a flawed person.  Unfortunately, being flawed means I will experience physical, mental, emotional and spiritual pain and maladies.  Only when my soul is freed from the physical confinements of my body and mind via death of said body and mind at God's discretion, will I be totally free of the pain and suffering of this world.

In the meantime, I plan to continue to work the 12 Steps of the program because I have found this to be the only path to experiencing little pieces of peace and freedom for which my soul so greatly longs.  There are countless paths out there but for many alcoholics like me, the 12 Step path is the only one that works (if we work it!)

Today I am working it by:

• getting on my knees and praying the 3rd and 7th Step prayers and the Serenity Prayer
• sharing the message through this blog post
• sharing the message at my homegroup meeting tonight
• serving as my group's treasurer tonight
• meditating to improve my conscious contact with God as I understand Him
• being as honest, open minded, and willing as I can be
• talking with my sponsor and with women I sponsor
• and staying sober for one more day

My Higher Power, My Actions, and Miracles

I have a story to tell you…about a woman who is very close to me.  I have known her my whole life and our relationship is was dysfunctional.  (She, the victim and me, her rescuer.)  In the last few weeks, God has given me the power to stop rescuing her.


For example, when she asked how I was doing, instead of lying and saying “fine,” I told the truth, which brought about fear and anxiety in her.  I talked to my sponsor about it and prayed about it and the guilt that I used to feel for thinking that I caused worry and grief for someone did not appear.  It did not appear because the lesson I learned in the program about not being responsible for other people’s happiness finally made its way from my head to my heart.

A week later, I asked her not to talk about my story with others in front of me as if I am not even there, as she often does since I have been in recovery.  I set a boundary, which brought about fear and anger in her.  She lashed back at me with her words.  The guilt appeared inside of me and I questioned whether I had caused her harm. Therefore, I prayed about it and talked with my sponsor about it.  I was relieved to find out that I did the right thing and did not owe amends.


A few days later, a situation arose that would have normally ensued manipulative and guilt-ridden questions from her.  She stopped in mid-sentence of her first question and paused…I kept silent but was thinking to myself, “please, don’t you dare go there…”  She tried to start her question over, “Why didn’t you….” Again, she paused.  My silence persisted.  We both knew what she wanted to say.  Instead, however, she ended up saying words that I have never heard come out of her mouth, “Well, I guess it is none of my business.”  “OK,” I said with a smile and we moved on to other topics.


God restored me to sanity by relieving me from a seriously dysfunctional role that I have took part in my whole life.  I feel so free!  This miracle would have never happened if it wasn’t for taking the action these 12 step programs call for and for trying, however falteringly, to practice these principles in all of my affairs.

I am reminded of a recovery slogan I have heard a hundred times in the last four years:  “Let it begin with me.”   I am filled with gratitude and joy that this lesson, too, finally made its way from my head to my heart.

Thank you for reading and I hope that you share your miracles with me, too.

A New Day of Attitude and Gratitude - with a side of Sponsorship and Serenity

I talked to my sponsor for over an hour last night after my last post.  I had so much to tell her that my mouth was moving a mile a minute.  I updated her on the past week and a half's events and as I did I could feel a great sense of relief and calm as my brain and all of it's alcoholic thoughts drained out of me like a full tub of bath water flows down the drain after pulling the plug. 

It was so cleansing and uplifting to my spirit to get all of that junk out of my head, to tell someone about everything I think and feel and do without fear of judgement, lack of understanding, or indifference. 

I share at most meetings I attend.  I talk to the women I sponsor and other women in the programs about this kind of stuff, too.  But, my sponsor is the one person who knows it all.  The whole me, not just parts, bits and pieces, here and there.  What a gift sponsorship is for me!  Syd just wrote a great post on Sponsorship that I recommend reading if you want to learn more about it.

But, before you go, I want to share with you my reflections on a meditation reading I came across today.  The prompt was a quote by Madeleine L'Engle who said, "My moments of being most complete, most integrated, have come in complete solitude or when I am being part of a body made up of many people going in the same direction."

It is then suggested to "take some time to examine yourself. When are you "most complete, most integrated"? Return to that place, that situation, to regain the healthy sense of self that is so easily lost in our world's clamor and activity."

Here is my list, in no particular order of significance:

1. when I am at a meeting
2. talking with my sponsor
3. working steps with women I sponsor
4. intimate times with my husband
5. writing on this blog and reading and commenting on others'
6. planting in the garden, specifically digging in the soil with my bare hands
7. reading the Bible
8. holding my daughter (either one) in my arms in silence

When do you feel "most complete, most integrated"? 
I would love to hear...

Thanks for reading. Have a blessed Sunday and I love you all.

Alcoholism, Pain, Autumn Meetings

I have been avoiding writing this week not because I don’t want to but rather because I don’t know where to begin. I have so many things on my mind, going through my mind, and consuming my mind that the act of coherently writing about them is a daunting task.

The biggest problem is that I haven’t talked to my sponsor in almost two weeks but not from lack of trying. She missed the meeting we both attend each week and I get her voicemail every time I call her. I am hoping to hear from her soon.

I am going through yet another medication change this week, which always comes with negative side effects such as sleep disturbances, emotional imbalance, and migraines to name a few. I had migraines everyday this week from Saturday through Wednesday along with the nausea and light sensitivity that often accompanies them.

I spent hours upon hours in bed this week with only intermittent breaks from the headache pain. Wednesday the pain actually brought me to tears, which brought me to my knees begging God for relief. And even though I only got about three hours of sleep Wednesday night, relief came Thursday and has continued through today. I am so grateful. Thank you, God!

Thursday the weather was gorgeous here. I took a walk just to feel the warmth of the sun on my skin. I invited God to go with me - I am sure he did. I usually do not go on a walk with out taking my dog along but this time I didn’t want the distraction of looking after him, so I left him at home. I think he forgave me :-)

I took my camera along instead and captured some of Autumn’s beauty.

Today I went to a day meeting, which is rare for me. The meetings I regularly attend are held in the evenings, however, since I am no longer working I have decided to go to more day time ones for several reasons. One, it gets me out of the house during the day now that the kids are back in school. Two, I can be home more at night to fulfill my responsibilities to them (dinner, homework help, baths, bedtime routines, etc.) without feeling as stressed out by trying to squeeze in a meeting as well. Three, since going to a few day meetings, I am finding that there is a whole other group of recovered alcoholics in my community that I get to learn from and become friends with.

I have gotten to know so many wonderful people in the programs over the past six years that I have started to take for granted how much I have in common with them. I remember when I first came into the program how awestruck I was as I listened to people share in meetings about thoughts, fears, feelings, and experiences that I had, too. I remember how amazed I was to find out that I wasn’t unique or some freak of nature.

But over the last six years, after going to the same meetings with the same people over and over again, hearing the same stories, the same opinions, the same old thing from the same people over and over again, I have gotten to the point of: “Yes, I can identify; yes, I do that and it doesn’t work for me either; yes, I do that and it helps me, too” etc, etc…it has become way too predictable. I think some would call this complacency. Not a good place for this alcoholic to be.

Even though the solutions and the stories and the experiences I hear during these day meeting are the same as the ones I hear in my regular evening meetings, to hear them from a whole new group of strangers is so exciting to me. I am finding people who not only have alcoholism, but who also have clinical mental illnesses. I feel like I did when I was new - awestruck and amazed to find out I am still not unique nor some freak of nature.

God is good. He is working in my life. Sometimes I see it, feel it, know it. Sometimes I don’t but not because he isn’t here but rather because I am not here (i.e., mentally in the moment.)

Today, I am here and for that I am so grateful! Tomorrow, who knows? I’m not there yet.

Love you all. Thanks for reading and I hope you have a blessed weekend.

God's Love

photo credit

A good friend of the family got married this weekend.  It was a beautiful ceremony celebrated at an old Catholic church - the kind with cathedral ceilings, detailed stained glass windows, creaky old wooden pews, and a three-tiered altar adorned with beautiful reminders of those who walked on this Earth a long time ago.

I cried when the couple professed their love for each other and made their vows.  I always do even if I don't know the bride and groom that well.  I physically feel the love flowing between them and God himself so profoundly during these few minutes that I am overcome with emotion.  God's love, present in that church today, left me awestruck and filled with a gratitude that overflowed like the tears which fell from my eyes. 

I have felt these emotions during meetings, as well.  I usually always feel them after talking with my sponsor or working a step with another alcoholic.  I think, like during weddings, it is because God's love is so strongly present during these interactions.  It's as if it freely flows from one soul to another to another until we are all connected literally by His love. 

Last week I was speaking with a newer lady after a meeting and she said it surprised her when she wanted to give a woman she had just met in a meeting a big hug after hearing her share.  She said, "I don't even know this woman and I am not one to hug strangers!"  I think it is probable that God's healing love in the rooms of the meetings connects our spirits without our minds necessarily comprehending what is happening at first. 

God's love is such a gift and a surprise gift at times!  Thank you, God, for all of your gifts.  But most of all for your love. 

1 Corinthians 13

Recovery and Nature - Elephants

Have you ever heard the phrase, "Elephants never forget?"  Have you ever heard someone say at a meeting, "I have to keep coming back because I forget that I am alcoholic" or "how bad it was?"  I have heard both, thus, the inspiration for this post.  Let me first tell you a little bit about what I learned about elephants and their memory.


Elephants remember each other.  One of the stories I came across describes two elephants becoming very animated and excited upon meeting one another for what was thought to be for the very first time. 

 "There was this euphoria," sanctuary founder Buckley says. "Shirley started bellowing, and then Jenny did, too. Both trunks were checking out each other's scars. I've never experienced anything that intense without it being aggression."

Curious about this unusual interaction, Buckley did some research and discovered that these two elephants' paths did cross - twenty three years ago when they both performed in a circus together for just a few months!


Not only do elephants remember other living animals, including humans, they also remember events. 

The scientists from the Wildlife Conservation Society (WCS) in New York City reported in Biology Letters that pachyderm groups with matriarchs, ages 38 and 45, left the parched park, apparently in search of water and grub, but the ones with a younger matriarch, age 33, stayed put.

Sixteen of 81 calves born in the park that year died in a nine-month period, a 20 percent mortality rate, much higher than the typical 2 percent; 10 of the dead were from the group that remained in the park, where feed and water were scarce.

Researchers concluded that the older elephants recalled a drought in the park that lasted from 1958 to 1961, and how their packs survived the slim pickings by migrating to lusher areas a distance away. None of the elephants that stayed behind were old enough to remember the previous dry spell.

Isn't that amazing?  I think so.  So, how does this all relate to recovery?

Well, like Shirley and Jenny (the two elephants that hadn't seen one another in 23 years) checked out each others' scars from the abuse they endured in the circus, do we not recognize the scars of alcoholism in others - emotional, mental, and spiritual and sometimes physical.  Is it not such a relief to find out that we are not the only ones who feel the way we do or the only ones who did what we did; that others have the same kind of scars we do?

In fact, I wonder if Shirley wasn't simply reacting as we do when a newcomer enters a meeting for the first time - excited that our friend found her way to the "sanctuary" of AA and out from under the three-ring circus of active alcoholism.

Unless I continue to go to meetings, read the literature, the Big Book, the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions book and then listen to others share their experience, strength, and hope as it relates to the information or story we read, my disease will tell me that I am different; that maybe I am not an alcoholic; that maybe I have enough knowledge about myself and alcoholism at this point to successfully stay sober and well on my own.  Unlike elephants, I will forget that I am an alcoholic no different from any other alcoholic out there.  I will forget that knowledge alone will not keep me sober.  I will forget that I cannot stay sober on my own.

Furthermore, I need to learn from the older "matriarchs" where to find "lusher areas" in my spiritual life via working the 12 Steps.  If I do not keep going to meetings and being reminded by those who "remember the drought" or how it was being out there drinking, unlike the older elephants, I will forget and stay where I am.  If I stay where I am, a dry spell will come (ever heard of a "dry drunk?") and I will be like those young elephants in the park where food and water were scarce and I will die. 

Be like an elephant - NEVER FORGET that alcoholism is "cunning, baffling, and powerful.  Without help it is too much (AA Big Book.)" 

Thank you for helping me stay sober tonight.

Link to elephant photo and information

Recovery and Nature - Ants

photo credit

Ants are gross.  I don't want them in or around my house.  (I am not a big fan of insects in general.)  But, I know that ants work together for the good of the whole colony, which is why I thought of them in relation to 12 step recovery programs.  I did a little research on ants and found out that they are the best example of a "superorganism," meaning there is a division of labor where individuals are not able to survive by themselves for extended periods of time.  I do not think that I would be able to survive without the 12 steps for very long. 


The way in which superoraganisms, like ant colonies, need the individuals for the group to survive and vice versus reminds me of many of the 12 Traditions.  Tradition One states "Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon (the program's) unity."  Tradition Four states "Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or (the program) as a whole."  Tradition Seven states "Every...group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions."  Tradition Eight states "(The program) should remain forever non-professional, but our service centers may employ special workers."  Tradition Twelve states "Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities."  (all italics are mine.)

Furthermore, "ant societies have division of labour, communication between individuals, and an ability to solve complex problems."  For example, when a forager ant finds a food source for the colony "it leaves a trail marking the shortest route on its return. Successful trails are followed by more ants, reinforcing better routes and gradually finding the best path."  (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ants) 

For any of you in the programs, does this sound a bit like sponsorship to you?  Didn't the founders, after finding a spiritual source in a Higher Power, leave a "successful trail" for others to follow via the 12 Steps?  I feel like they did and I am so grateful!

"Keep It Simple"

(I was planning on writing about this slogan and was pleased to see that Brian M. said it was one of his favorites, too!)

This slogan has been really important for me for the last year.  My illness demands that I keep my days simple or else I suffer from migraines, fatigue, irritability, and depression.  Unfortunately, the demands of motherhood and sponsorship don't always allow me to keep it simple.  The last two days have been an example of that, which is why I didn't post anything yesterday. 

Even with God's strength and practicing the 12 Steps in all of my affairs, my physical and mental limitations still control my life.  I am powerless.

I don't think God interferes with the natural order of things.  Therefore, I am no longer angry with him for not relieving me of these limitations.  Instead, I accept them and have learned to be grateful for them since they ultimately bring me to my knees and back to the one who has all power -- God.

I thank God for the pain and suffering I experience due to my illnesses (alcoholism included.)  For it is in this suffering that I am learning the true meaning of humility.  And in the state of humility is where I find peace and serenity. 

photo credit

Thank you to the following bloggers for submitting some of their favorite recovery slogans:

Just For Today, HOW (Honesty, Open minded, Willingness), and HALT (don't get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired)  from  Izzy @ Conversing

Keep Coming Back from  dAAve @ higer powered

ACE (Accept, Change, or Eliminate) from BRB at Notes from the BRB Queen

Let Go and Let God from steve at STEVERONI'S BLOG

F.A.I.T.H. (Finally Allowing It To Happen) from Jeremy at Half measures avail us nothing

How Important Is It?  from Syd at I'm Just F.I.N.E. -- Recovery in Al-Anon

Keep It Simple from Brian M. at The Three Legged Stool

A Week of Gratitude - Day 2

Today, I am thankful for

~ sponsorship

~ my family's health

~ God's direction

~ my powerlessness

~ sobriety

As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.  ~ John F. Kennedy

A Week of Gratitude Day 1

My goal this week, now that the kids will be in school each day, barring any more illnesses, is to blog some gratitude.  Today, I am thankful for:

~ the sponsors I have had and for the one I do have currently, who have shown me by example how to live AA's 12 step program in real life, especially during hard times

~ for the awareness of fear after someone was lovingly honest with me today

~ for all of the mistakes I have made, especially those which show me how I don't want to be or act

~ For the 32 combined years of sobriety celebrated in my home group this week

~ for Step 4, which after working it, shows me that I am still a martyr (poor me- look at all I do for everyone)

~ for the rest of the Steps, so that I don't have to act like a martyr

There is no greater difference between men than between grateful and ungrateful people. ~R.H. Blyth

What's Your Problem?

photo credit

I have been looking forward to having some down time this week since the kids went back to school.  But, alas...a minor playground injury on the first day of school, my oldest now home running a fever (unrelated to the playground incident), plus a husband who's been home sick for the last few days makes for a busier, more stressful week than normal.  It just goes to show that I can never be sure about how absolutely opposite my days can turn out to be from what I expected.  And there in lies my problem:  Expectations! 

Before learning how to "live life on life's terms" from people in the program, I would have used all of the unexpected events this week as reasons to drink.  Feeling stressed out and tired, I would have said, "I deserve to get drunk after taking care of everyone all week."  (I play a great martyr!)  Feeling angry about the week not going as I planned followed by feeling guilty for being angry that my family got sick (like they can help it!), I would have drank to drown those feelings away.  I drank a lot in order to escape from my feelings, especially anxiety, anger, and guilt.

During my first few years in recovery, I thought I wasn't going to feel angry, anxious, or guilty anymore.  I thought life was supposed to get easier and that I would magically be happy all of the time.  Then I learned, as it says in the Big Book, my "liquor was but a symptom."  My real problem is the way I think.  When my thinking is out of sorts, my feelings are soon out of control, usually followed by harmful behavior. 

Later, I learned more about identifying my feelings and experiencing and processing them in the safety of the rooms of the programs and in the arms of my sponsor rather than running away from them.  I learned, through working Steps 4 and 5 again, how my thinking problem (not drinking problem) caused these feelings to grow out of control.  I learned, through working Steps 6 and 7 again, how God can change my thinking so that my feelings stay in check instead of intensifying to levels that cause me to behave in ways that are harmful to myself and others.  I have to let go of all of my old ideas and allow God's ideas (or will) to take their place. 

Take this week for example.  When taking care of all the sickies around me, I have to remember (or be reminded by my sponsor) to let go of the idea that I am Super Mom.  When I can let go of this idea then I am less likely to become overwhelmed.  When I am not overwhelmed, I am better able to quiet my mind and when I am able to quiet my mind, I have a greater chance at consciously connecting with God (Step 11).  This conscious contact with my Higher Power gives me a feeling of peace I cannot describe except to say, it gives me the strength I need to continue to be of service (Step 12), which I believe is God's idea. 

I just realized that in this case, my idea and God's idea are the same:  for me to be of service.  Actually, this is probably God's idea in all cases. (Yikes!) 

Excuse me while I take a quick intermission to process a spiritual awakening...

OK, I'm back. 

As I was going to say, my "Super Mom idea" means I am trying to serve others on my own power.  God's idea means my service to others is fueled by the power that I receive from Him.  Let me think...my power versus God's power... It's a no brainer, right?  I mean, DUH!!!  When I put it that way, I feel Super Silly to even think about doing anything on my own power.  But, like I said before, my real problem is the way I think.

Love to you all.

Rushing Around

photo credit

The last few days I have been feeling out of sorts.  It could be vacation let down among many other things.  Mostly, I feel overwhelmed by the day to day activities of living.  Doing a 4th and 5th step this weekend helped some.  Getting back to my regular meetings this week is helping some.  I am hoping that talking with my sponsor will help, too.  She is going through some really hard stuff of her own and I feel a disconnect from her and frankly, it scares me!


Mostly, I am feeling irritable and discontent.  Not a good place to be but I know it will pass as I continue to work the steps, work with others, go to meetings, pray, and keep trying to touch base with my sponsor.

The kids start back to school in two weeks.  I know my spirit is craving time away from the constant attention my family demands from me and even just the noise and movement they produce around the house.  I pray I can hang on for a little while longer.  I am tired but I am glad God loves me.
Today, I am thankful for:

- healthy children

- a loving marriage

- air conditioning

- this computer

- you

Beakers, Eggs, Me, the World, and God

An empty glass beaker… Is it really empty? What about the air inside of it? How can one prove the presence of air inside of an empty glass beaker? At a child’s birthday party, the “Science Guy” asked the kids these questions. He said, “Can I pour the air out, pull it out, spoon it out?” Then he said, “What if I tried to push a hard-boiled egg into the beaker?” He tried but the egg didn’t budge because of the air inside the beaker. Next he asked the kids, “How can I get some of the air out to make room for the egg?” They had no clue. Then he showed them by lighting a strip of paper, dropping it into the beaker, and placing the egg on top. The fire heated up the air causing it to rise out of the beaker and POP! --into the beaker that egg was sucked! This created lots of “ooohs” and “aaahhs” in the room.

Then Science Guy asked, “How can I get the egg out without breaking the glass?” Again no one had a clue. So, he showed us by tipping the beaker upside down and blowing air into it and can you believe it worked? I was as amazed as the kids! Most of the egg shot out in large mangled pieces and the few bits that remained fell to the bottom of the beaker.

Science Guy caught my attention right at the beginning when he asked the kids how they could prove to him that there was air inside the beaker if it we can’t see it, hear it, smell it, taste it, or feel it, dump it out, spoon it out, or pull it out. I thought, “Wow, that sounds like proving the existence of God.” Then my silly little mind compared the whole darn experiment to my spiritual program.

So, I am the beaker (don‘t laugh! In reality, I am more the shape of an hour glass, but I digress), the egg is the physical world, the air is God, the flame is my character defects, and blowing air into the beaker is like working the 12 Steps of the program. Oh, and I almost forgot a very important element: Science Guy is like a sponsor.

You must know, however, that my spiritual experiment with the 12 Steps is far, far, far from being as valid and reliable as that of Science Guy's egg and beaker science because unlike the laws of physics, God allows me to defy him. When the fire of my character defects burn bright, God’s peace rises out of me and the physical world of people, places, and things take center-stage in my mind. POP! The egg is in the beaker!

I have found that by repeatedly working the 12 Steps with my sponsor and others, the breath of God flows back into me and like the air pushed the egg back out of the beaker, God’s presence pushes those things of my physical world out of the center of my being. Remnants do remain --this is my human condition. As they say in the program, “progress not perfection.” We will never be perfect. Being human doesn’t allow for it. It took me a long time and a lot self-loathing pain to learn this lesson.

If I tried to work this program on my own, I would have never been able to understand “how it works.” I would have “no clue!” But thanks to God’s loving grace, great science guys, I mean sponsors, and those who share their experience, strength, and hope in the rooms of the program, today, this is how it works for me:

Steps 1, 2, and 3 help me accept my powerlessness over the things of this world and acknowledge the One who has all-power, a God of my understanding. Step 4 and 5 help me become aware of my character defects. Steps 6 and 7 help me bring those defects to God and become willing for Him to remove them. Steps 8 and 9 help me rightly relate to others through a code of loving tolerance and forgiveness. Step 10 helps me stay current with Steps 4-9, Step 11 helps me access God from which my strength comes in order to work Step 12: being of maximum service to my fellows and “practice the principles of the program in all of my affairs.”

How "does it work" for you, today?