Finding a Higher Power

The following excerpt from p. 46 in the Big Book says it all for me:

"we discovered we did not need to consider another’s conception of God. Our own conception, however inadequate,was sufficient to make the approach and to effect a contact with Him. As soon as we admitted the possible existence of a Creative Intelligence, a Spirit of the Universe underlying the totality of things, we began to be possessed of a new sense of power and direction, provided we took other simple steps."

For me, this meant that I had to

1) Let go of every idea about God that I ever had.
2) Let go of everyone else's idea of God that I was exposed to.
3) Admit to the possibility of this power's existence only - not to what it is or isn't, but just to that it may or does exist.
4) Ask that power to reveal itself to me.
5) Continually work the 12 steps (so that I can perceive that power as it reveals itself to me and so that I can stay in contact with that power from then on.)

Beyond this I wonder if there is any other way to explain or describe my experience that would be of use to someone else. Would it be futile to share my concept of my higher power if my concept only works for me? Would it be a waste of time for anyone else to try and use my concept of my higher power for their concept of their higher power?

A definition of "concept" states:

"A general idea derived or inferred from specific instances or occurrences."

My concept of my higher power is based on my personal "instances and occurences", and I assume yours would be based off of your personal "instances and occurences", but I don't know. I know that I don't know. What I do suggest, however, especially if you are 1) new or 2) having difficulty connecting with your higher power is to drop all that you think that you know about this power, and then ask it to reveal (or re-reveal) itself to you.

And for goodness sakes, please make sure you are working the steps on a continuous basis. That is our part - our ONLY part; the steps are the "footwork." God takes care of the rest as it is stated in the continuation of the aforementioned excerpt:

"We found that God does not make too hard terms with those who seek Him. To us, the Realm of Spirit is broad, roomy, all inclusive; never exclusive or forbidding to those who earnestly seek. It is open, we believe, to all men.”

How did I used seek this power? By working the rules of various churches, retreats, and revivals - all of which work for many people, I have no doubt - and by working my insane rules of getting my way (i.e., bargaining, begging, pleading, crying) which never lead me to finding God.  For me and for most alcoholics I know, the only thing that enables us to find our higher power is the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.

So, if you are an alcoholic, I encourage you to seek your higher power by working ALL of the Steps because

"rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.......If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it -- then you are ready to take certain steps."

quoteflections: Gratitude is not for Wimps

quoteflections: Gratitude is not for Wimps: "A team of psychologists is researching the science of gratitude and collecting evidence that it enhances one's quality of life. 'Far from ..."

Ok, all you program people - you have got to read this.  My only comment is that I am glad the medical field is finally catching up with what us drunks learned a long time ago.  Geesh!  Just another thing to be grateful for, right? ;)



Here are some highlights from Paul C.'s (blog author over at quoteflections) post:

"Far from being a warm, fuzzy sentiment, gratitude is morally and intellectually demanding, it requires contemplation, reflection and discipline. It can be hard and painful work." ~ Professor Robert Emmons, one of the study's researchers.

Damn right it's hard and painful work!!! (<-----that comment is mine.)


Additionally, Paul C. writes:

"In (Emmon's) book he discusses 10 strategies to cultivate gratitude which include keeping journals, remembering the bad, learning prayers, appreciating one's senses, going through the right motions which will lead to positive emotions."


This just gave me a chuckle - in a good way - as well as made me grateful that people, both in the rooms of recovery and in the normal world, continue to spread the message about the benefits of an "attitude of gratitude."


One last thing...I just recently found Paul's blog and I thoroughly enjoy it.  quoteflections is "a regular eclectic mind fix," as stated in its subtitle. 

Thanks, Paul.  I am grateful for you and your blog!

Sobriety and Life Tie the Knot

Sober living is hard, enjoyable, stressful, serene, tough, and simple.  How can it be so many opposing things?  It can for me because it is life, a mysterious experience of co-existing joy and sorrow, suffering and relief, pain and serenity.  It is real, it is now, and it is unpredictable.

I am going on seven consecutive weeks of family illnesses, snow days, holidays, birthdays, and crises - all the usual life events - with no end yet in sight.  I want to run away via the bottle, the car, or in my really low spots, death. 

Thank goodness God has other plans for me. Otherwise, I would be writing this drunk, from a deserted island, or not at all.

I have a lot to complain about…many things I don’t like but as my sponsor says, I “don’t have to like it.”  I also have a lot to be grateful for…many things that I do like…and when I focus on those aspects of my life I have a real chance at conforming to God’s will - staying sober, living with my family, and remaining alive.

How do I keep my focus on the positives?  I have only one answer:

by working the 12 steps:

1. Admitting my powerlessness
2. Believing God will restore me to sanity
3. Trusting in His will
4. Completing a thorough self-appraisal
5. Calling my sponsor/telling her everything
6. Being willing for God to improve my character
7. Asking Him to improve my character
8. Making a list of those whom I have harmed
9. Making amends when appropriate
10. Performing repeated self-appraisals
11. Praying and meditating
12. Practicing these principles in all areas of my life and carrying the message to other alcoholics through service work (going to meetings to share and listen, sponsoring other women, writing these blog posts, etc.)

A long time ago, life handed me a rope and sometimes I swing joyfully from it like a child and sometimes I am tempted to noose it and hang myself.  Right now, I am tying a knot in the end of it and hanging on…while God and those who love me stand underneath with open arms, waiting to catch me if I fall. 

What more could I ask for?

Sober Living - How to Stay Serene

I have been busy with life…too busy. Not saying no to things I could say no to, to things that are taking me away from time with God. Therefore, I am not surprised at my current state of irritability and discontent.


Life has a way of bulldozing me without me realizing it until I find myself face down, flattened to the concrete, hurting, cussing, and saying to myself, “I can’t believe I let this happen again!”


What next?

I asked God to peel me up from the pavement and tell me what to do. I opened my laptop to write this post and the words from a previous post sit in wait for me to see, at this very moment when I needed to see them, when I asked for guidance He used my own words to answer me:

The most effective way for me to find joy in everyday living is by working the 12 Steps. Following the suggestions outlined in these steps brings my will in line with God’s will without fail. The steps pave a path that leads me to the two reasons for which I believe that I exist:

1. To attain and maintain conscious contact with God

2. To be of service to others

Due to my choice to focus on things other than maintaining conscious contact with God and being of service to others, I find myself in emotional chaos. I have been focusing on maintaining contact with others in order to serve myself. My how easy it is for me to flip flop my priorities.


Time for me to slow down and regroup. Autopilot is no place for me to operate…it is a guaranteed crash and burn. I pray that God’s grace surrounds me like a protective shield, blinding me to the things my thoughts and actions have been foolishly chasing these past few days.


Do you ever find yourself feeling like this? If so, what do you do? Thanks for any insights you offer.

Remain Thankful and Still on Good, Bad, and Hectic Days

My week has been good, bad, and hectic.  It has been good because fundamentally, life is good.  My kids have been off school since Tuesday for the Thanksgiving holiday, which is good because we have been able to spend quality time as a family together…bad because they are kids and therefore, get on my nerves after awhile!

I caught an upper respiratory infection on Wednesday, which was bad.  I am finally starting to feel well again, which is good.  I missed my home group meeting this week because my daughter got sick, which was bad.  I chaired a closed women’s meeting at a treatment facility this week. That was good.

I have chaired or spoke at this meeting several times over the last few years.  Since Thanksgiving was this week, I was surprised at how many inpatients were there.  I left there feeling very grateful…grateful because I got to leave and spend the holiday with my family instead of staying there under lock and key…and grateful because I went there to share a solution while they were there due to living in the problem.

I spent Thanksgiving Day visiting extended family members, which is sometimes very stressful, sometimes a little stressful, and always hectic.  On a scale of 0-10 with 10 being extremely stressful and 0 being stress-free, I rate Thursday’s visit as a 4...not too bad!

Yesterday’s activities consisted of an early morning follow-up visit with the doctor, taking care of the kids while hubby worked all day, then dinner and movie that night with the kiddos, which was hectic.  Today we visited family again (Yikes, twice in one week!)  It was another 4 on the stress scale - not bad!

I am looking forward to getting back into our routine next week, which means things will not be as hectic…hopefully.  I am ready to sloooooowwww down.

This Thanksgiving week, I am most grateful for the fact that whether my days were good, bad, or hectic mattered little to my level of serenity.  The only variable that truly affects my serenity is my conscious contact with my Higher Power.

Thankfully, I took several moments each day to rest in the peace and stillness of His presence.  It is the most beautiful place I have ever been.  I pray for this for you and that I am able to continue to experience the power of Step 11 all the days of my life.

Thank you for reading and for sharing your experience, strength, and hope with me!

"Be still and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10)

Life, God, and Gratitude

Life has been life this past week and God has blessed me enough to be able to live it on life's terms.  Nothing earth-shattering (at least in my sick mind) has been transpiring.  I have been doing the day to day stuff of being a child of God, mother of two, wife of one, and friend to many.  I could complain...like how my husband is slacking off on helping me around the house and my kids' bickering drives me crazy...but I guess I won't.  I will instead make a gratitude list and then leave you with a beautiful video of a presentation of the Prayer of St. Francis. (It is short...so take a look :)

I am grateful for:

• God's grace, love, and mercy
• family
• friends
• pup
• home
• emotional security found in making conscious contact with God, my Higher Power

Could, Would, and Love

For the last week my days have been “normal” - whatever that means, right?  For me, normal means that I have been free of any mental, emotional, and physical pain.  How glorious!  Praise God!

The wind is at my back right now and I am so grateful.  I have filled my days with writing, spending time with family, and taking care of day-to-day responsibilities for myself and others with much gratitude and enthusiasm.

I started a new medication about two weeks ago that seems to be making a huge difference for me.  It is as if a switch has been flipped in my brain and my biorhythms are working properly again.  My appetite is normal.  I am tired at a normal time of night again (at 10 or 11pm instead of 2am.)  I fall asleep each night without a prescription sleep aid, which I have not done in over three years!  I wake in the morning feeling rested and I am fully awake within minutes of getting out of bed instead of hours.  My Higher Power has truly relieved me of serious maladies over which I am powerless.

I am powerless over alcohol and my mental, emotional, and physical illnesses.  He removed from me the obsession to drink over six years ago.  However, being sober did not solve the rest of my problems, namely ME.

I always believed that God could take away my other maladies as He did the alcohol obsession but I had doubts that He would because I did not believe that He loved me enough to do so…therein laid my agnosticism.

I was forced to examine Step 2 very closely this past month, to dig deeper than ever before into what I actually believe.  I thought that believing He could was enough.  I was wrong.

The Big Book says, “God is everything or He is nothing.”  I was picking and choosing what my God was and was not; what He would and would not do for me.  Therefore, He was not “everything” which sadly for me (although I did not realize it at the time) meant He was “nothing.”

The pain I experienced a few weeks ago made me admit to myself that I am not a bad person, that I do not deserve to suffer in such a way and that He does not want me to suffer either.  Unfortunately, for an alcoholic like me, the only way I admit to something like this is to be in more pain than I can endure.  (Just like the pain I had to go through before I admitted my powerlessness over alcohol as in Step 1.)

Furthermore, He revealed to me through this experience that I had to surrender to my self-hate (apparently a bigger character defect I had than I realized) and be willing to love myself enough to allow Him to remove the pain from me, for which I humbly begged Him during those weeks. (Steps 6 and 7)

Coming to believe that God would restore me to sanity as opposed to that He could made all the difference.  Step 3 was then very easy to work as God instantly became everything rather than nothing.

Thank you, God!  Thank you, 12 Steps!  Thank you, everyone!

p.s.  I do not think it a coincidence that several months ago I started praying specifically for God to show me how to love others more deeply.  I believe I first had to come to love myself because I “can’t give away that which I do not have” as they say.

Moreover, I know that I now “can’t keep it unless I give it away,” which is fine by me.  I want nothing more than to be able to give it away….to love more deeply.  It is what I asked for…it is His will.

He does listen…He does care…He loves us so much.

Oh, Lord, Won't You

Before my recovery in a 12 Step Program, I used to pray like Janis did in this song.  I am glad that I do not pray like this anymore.  I have hope that my life will end differently than hers.  I do love her spirit, though.  I am having a glorious day and I hope you are, too!

 

Thankfulness for Prayers and Footwork

I am so grateful to read the comments from fellow migraine sufferers.  Thank you.  Your words make me feel less alone.  The good news is my doctor has discontinued the medicine that didn't allow me to take any Alleve, which is the only thing I have found to work on my migraines.  My blood pressure has been high, but we (meaning my doctors and me) are not sure if this is due to the pain of the migraines or if the high blood pressure has been causing the migraines.  In other words, which comes first...  So, now that the migraines are back under control I get to start monitoring my blood pressure for the next few weeks to see if it runs high on a regular basis (even when I am feeling well.)  More footwork...

One of the greatest things the 12 Step program teaches me is that I am not going to get what I need without doing a little footwork first.  I spoke with two different women this week (both in the program) in the midst of my excruciating pain and cried,

"What am I supposed to do?  I keep praying and praying to God to help me accept this or to take it away, whatever His will may be." 

They both responded by reminding me that I have to take action (in addition to prayer) in order for God's will to be carried out.  The action I needed to take was to call my doctors immediately and tell them what I was going through and insist that something be done rather than suffer until my next scheduled appointment. 

I am learning little by little to take care of myself in ways I never had to before all of these physical and mental ailments developed.  I am starting to love myself enough to say,

"Hey!  It is not ok for me to be this sick.  I want to get better.  I want to be well.  I want to be - dare I say it - happy!" 

My whole life I have been so critical of myself that deep down I thought I didn't deserve to be happy.  I thought I was such a horrible person that I probably should suffer.  I was damaged goods...the child of two alcoholics, an alcoholic myself with mental disorders, a failure as a mom and wife, friend, and daughter.

In reality, I am not any of those things.  I am just one of God's kids, who was raised by a couple of God's other kids who made mistakes.  I am just one of God's kids, who is raising a couple more of His kids, and making mistakes of my own (although, thanks to the program, I am making fewer mistakes than my parents did, which is progress...I will not reach perfection in this life.)

Making mistakes doesn't mean I am a failure but rather a human being.  Being human doesn't mean I am a bad person but rather a flawed person.  Unfortunately, being flawed means I will experience physical, mental, emotional and spiritual pain and maladies.  Only when my soul is freed from the physical confinements of my body and mind via death of said body and mind at God's discretion, will I be totally free of the pain and suffering of this world.

In the meantime, I plan to continue to work the 12 Steps of the program because I have found this to be the only path to experiencing little pieces of peace and freedom for which my soul so greatly longs.  There are countless paths out there but for many alcoholics like me, the 12 Step path is the only one that works (if we work it!)

Today I am working it by:

• getting on my knees and praying the 3rd and 7th Step prayers and the Serenity Prayer
• sharing the message through this blog post
• sharing the message at my homegroup meeting tonight
• serving as my group's treasurer tonight
• meditating to improve my conscious contact with God as I understand Him
• being as honest, open minded, and willing as I can be
• talking with my sponsor and with women I sponsor
• and staying sober for one more day

More Hope and More Gratitude

After a severe migraine accompanied by a moderately severe mixed manic/depressive episode last night where hope was sustained only by repeating the words:

I believe.  I trust.

over and over again, I awoke this morning feeling refreshed and more like myself than I have in weeks. 

Today I am grateful for:

• watching a movie with my family last night
• playing a board game with my daughter this morning
• spending time outdoors with my family this afternoon
• not being on the computer all day until now
• not needing a nap today
• not having a headache today

and finally, I am so grateful for:

•  the fact that no matter what is going on around me or inside of me, if I truly believe and truly trust Him in a state of humble surrender, He will comfort me.

Peace, Pain, and Prayer

This past week I experienced very isolated moments of peace of mind in which physical and mental pains were both absent.  These times included the relaxed moments just before I fell asleep and the times I spent at a meeting or sharing with someone one on one about the grace and love of God.  The rest of the time I have been spiraling in mixed manic episodes of bipolar disorder.


I have lost the ability to care for my children.  Making dinner, giving baths, helping with homework, and even being in the same room with them is normally inconsistent, however, for the last two days it has been impossible.


The same is true with my own self care.  I must force myself to eat, sleep, and shower.  The last few nights my limbs shook uncontrollably.  My daughter asked me if I was shaking as I brought a spoon to my mouth, spilling milk and cereal back into the bowl.  “Yes,” I said, “I guess I am cold.”  “I’ll go get your robe,” she said.  What she didn’t realize was that the robe would not help because the coldness was coming from with inside of me.


For a days in a row, I surrendered to the Lord, my Higher Power...on my knees, I cursed and screamed and cried, then begged and pleaded for him to help me.  My tears fell on the pages of His Book.  His Word tells me this:

  If anyone comes to me without hating his father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple.  Whoever does not carry his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple. (Luke 14, 26-27)

This is what I heard:
God first.
Family second.
Be ready to accept persecution and suffering.


Again, turning to my Higher Power, I searched for peace in His Word and he tells me this:

Consider it all joy, my brothers, when you encounter various trials, for you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  And let perseverance be perfect, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.  (James 1, 2-4)

I will persevere.  I am persevering.  Over the last six years I have been persevering, admitting my powerlessness, believing in a power greater than myself who can restore me to sanity, turning my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand him (Steps 1,2, and 3).  Trusting God, cleaning house (Steps 4-10), improving my conscious contact with him through prayer and meditation (Step 11), and helping others (Step 12.)


By "accident" I came across a prayer I wrote eight months ago.  It reads:

     Would you, O Lord, ever completely abandon me? Would you not ever grant my request to live in your loving peace? To beg you for serenity, sanity and soundness of mind is what I do today! This peace that eludes me is ever more maddening!
     Please, Lord, do not leave me in the hands of the demons.  Expel them from my mind.  Drive them to the depths of hell in the name of your son, Jesus Christ, that they may no longer have control of my thoughts, my emotions, my mind.  That you may control my thoughts, my emotions, my mind is my greatest desire.  That the pain and misery of this world may not entangle my soul and suck the joy and fun and happiness from my life.
    I know that you want me to have joy and happiness in my life.  I have that desire, too.  Please tell me that it is possible. Please tell me that there is a way to experience this on this Earth.  Please connect my mind to the path that will lead me to joy and happiness so that I may not cause further misery, worry, pain and suffering to my beloved family.
     Oh, Lord, I beg of you, grant my request as you see fit.  Save me from my diseased mind.  Thy will be done not mine, in Jesus' name.  Amen.

And here we go once again...

My doctor cannot seem to find the medicine that will kill the monster inside my head for more than several months at a time.  I started yet another new medication tonight...

and as I continued to persevere, His Word reveals this to me:

But if any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God who gives to all generously and ungrudgingly, and he will be given it. But he should ask in faith, not doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed about by the wind. (James 1, 5-6)

Thus, tonight, I asked Him in faith, without doubts, for wisdom so that I may continue to persevere and not become hopeless and He tells me this:

Hold the physician in honor, for he is essential to you, and God it was who established his profession.
From God the doctor has his wisdom, and the king provides for his sustenance.
His knowledge makes the doctor distinguished, and gives him access to those in authority.
God makes the earth yield healing herbs which the prudent man should not neglect;
Was not the water sweetened by a twig that men might learn his power?
He endows men with the knowledge to glory in his mighty works,
Through which the doctor eases pain and the druggist prepares his medicines;
Thus God's creative work continues without cease in its efficacy on the surface of the earth.

My son, when you are ill, delay not, but pray to God, who will heal you:
Flee wickedness; let your hands be just, cleanse your heart of every sin;
Offer your sweet-smelling oblation and petition, a rich offering according to your means.
Then give the doctor his place lest he leave; for you need him too.
There are times that give him an advantage, and he too beseeches God
That his diagnosis may be correct and his treatment bring about a cure.
He who is a sinner toward his Maker will be defiant toward the doctor. 
(Sirach 38, 1-15)

I am ill and I am powerless (Step 1) and I believe He can restore me to sanity (Step 2.)  This week, I prayed, I listened, and I meditated (Step 11).  I continue to turn my will and my life over to Him (Step 3.)  If not for working Step 3 daily, I would not be alive writing this right now because I have alcoholism and mental illnesses that all want me dead. 


Today my side of the street is clean and I shared with my sponsor about where I am at right now (Steps 4 and 5.)  Everyday this week (and many, many other times) I have been willing and I have humbly offered my petition to God to remove my shortcomings and character defects as he sees fit (Steps 6 and 7.)  


Today, I once again have "given the doctor his place" and I pray, once again, that "his treatment brings about a cure."


I humbly ask that you pray for me, too.  Thank you, dear friends.

My Higher Power, My Actions, and Miracles

I have a story to tell you…about a woman who is very close to me.  I have known her my whole life and our relationship is was dysfunctional.  (She, the victim and me, her rescuer.)  In the last few weeks, God has given me the power to stop rescuing her.


For example, when she asked how I was doing, instead of lying and saying “fine,” I told the truth, which brought about fear and anxiety in her.  I talked to my sponsor about it and prayed about it and the guilt that I used to feel for thinking that I caused worry and grief for someone did not appear.  It did not appear because the lesson I learned in the program about not being responsible for other people’s happiness finally made its way from my head to my heart.

A week later, I asked her not to talk about my story with others in front of me as if I am not even there, as she often does since I have been in recovery.  I set a boundary, which brought about fear and anger in her.  She lashed back at me with her words.  The guilt appeared inside of me and I questioned whether I had caused her harm. Therefore, I prayed about it and talked with my sponsor about it.  I was relieved to find out that I did the right thing and did not owe amends.


A few days later, a situation arose that would have normally ensued manipulative and guilt-ridden questions from her.  She stopped in mid-sentence of her first question and paused…I kept silent but was thinking to myself, “please, don’t you dare go there…”  She tried to start her question over, “Why didn’t you….” Again, she paused.  My silence persisted.  We both knew what she wanted to say.  Instead, however, she ended up saying words that I have never heard come out of her mouth, “Well, I guess it is none of my business.”  “OK,” I said with a smile and we moved on to other topics.


God restored me to sanity by relieving me from a seriously dysfunctional role that I have took part in my whole life.  I feel so free!  This miracle would have never happened if it wasn’t for taking the action these 12 step programs call for and for trying, however falteringly, to practice these principles in all of my affairs.

I am reminded of a recovery slogan I have heard a hundred times in the last four years:  “Let it begin with me.”   I am filled with gratitude and joy that this lesson, too, finally made its way from my head to my heart.

Thank you for reading and I hope that you share your miracles with me, too.

Screams, Surrenders, and Serenity

Something really cool happened to me this week.  I yelled and screamed and cried and dare I say cursed at God.  (doesn't sound very cool, but stay with me.) I took all of my anger about that which I am powerless over and brought it to the alter of the Lord with emotions raw and inhibitions gone.  I then dropped to my knees, my entire ugly human condition fully exposed, and begged God for mercy and grace and loving help.  I completely surrendered myself to Him in that moment.  You know what happened next?  He smiled joyfully at me and gave me a big spiritual HUG!

This is a big step for me, who, just a few weeks ago, took my anger about that which I am powerless over out on my husband by yelling, screaming, crying, and cursing at him.  Hubby can't handle that plus he's not my Higher Power.  I deeply hurt him and with God's grace I pray that I will never hurt him like that again.

God, on the other hand can handle me - He is the one I need to go to for Power and I believe that in going to Him with my ugliness first this week rather than to my husband, I was then able to later calmly express to my husband how overwhelmed I have felt this week and ask for his help with responsibilities around the house. 

Guilt, shame, and self-loathing keep me from being completely honest with others, especially God.  I am so appreciative of all His gifts (meaning everything good in my life) that I feel guilty to complain to Him about anything; I feel ashamed to express dissatisfaction about things in my life to Him; and I feel unworthy of what He has already given to me, so who am I to display anything but praise, glory, and gratitude to Him?  (Can you get an idea of how being abused for expressing negative feelings as a child growing up in a home with two alcoholic parents is still playing a role in my own disease?)

In recovery, I am learning to accept the fact that I am human, with negative human emotions, and human imperfections.  I can no longer hide my ugliness under the rug from God.  He knows about it anyway.  But, I can no longer pretend that I am not angry, anxious, and fearful about things in my life at times just because I am ashamed to admit that I do not fully trust Him 100% of the time.  100% of the time?  Why that is perfection!  And perfection is humanly impossible and I am sick and tired of beating myself up for not being something that is impossible to be - perfect.

I refuse to feign complete trust in Him to relieve my sufferings.  I ask Him for this relief, but always follow my request with "thy will, not mine be done."  My will would be to not be an alcoholic, have mental illnesses, and instead be joyful and serene 100% of the time. 

I do believe He has the power to relieve my sufferings but I am not so arrogant to believe that He will do it just because I ask Him for it.  I believe He does what is best for ALL involved, not just me.  The spiritual side of me is humbled and grateful for the opportunity to be used by Him, even for Him to use my suffering as a part in His divine plan.  The human, selfish side of me says, "This sucks, God, can't you do it some other way?"

So, basically, this week I told God that, "this sucks," but I will do my best to do my part, His will, anyway, because I have complete FAITH that He knows what is best.  He is THE director.  I am here to serve Him via the power and knowledge he chooses to gift to me at any given moment.  What a ride!

I am comforted by the fact that I am a work in progress.  I am reassured by many close to me and by my sense of the spirit during prayer and meditation that I am going in the right direction.  For me, that is an OK place to be.

"We may never get where we want to be, but we can always be grateful that we're not where we were." --Anonymous Recovered Alcoholic

Thanks for reading.  Loving you right where you are, too...

"Not my will but thine be done"

"Tomorrow morning," the surgeon began, "I'll open up your heart..."


"You'll find Jesus there," the boy interrupted..


The surgeon looked up, annoyed. "I'll cut your heart open," he continued, "to see how much damage has been done..."


"But when you open up my heart, you'll find Jesus in there," said the boy.


The surgeon looked to the parents, who sat quietly. "When I see how much damage has been done, I'll sew your heart and chest back up, and I'll plan what to do next."


"But you'll find Jesus in my heart. The Bible says He lives there. The hymns all say He lives there. You'll find Him in my heart."
 
The surgeon had had enough. "I'll tell you what I'll find in your heart.  I'll find damaged muscle, low blood supply, and weakened vessels.  And I'll find out if I can make you well."


"You'll find Jesus there, too. He lives there."


The surgeon left.




The surgeon sat in his office, recording his notes from the surgery, "....damaged aorta, damaged pulmonary vein, widespread muscle degeneration.  No hope for transplant, no hope for cure. Therapy:  painkillers and bed rest.  Prognosis:"  here he paused, "death within one year."


He stopped the recorder, but there was more to be said. "Why?" he asked aloud.  "Why did You do this?  You've put him here; You've put him in this pain; and You've cursed him to an early death. Why?"


The Lord answered and said, "The boy, my lamb, was not meant for your flock for long, for he is a part of My flock, and will forever be.  Here, in My flock, he will feel no pain and will be comforted as you cannot imagine.  His parents will one day join him here and they will know peace, and My flock will continue to grow.."


The surgeon's tears were hot, but his anger was hotter. "You created that boy and You created that heart.  He'll be dead in months. Why?"


The Lord answered, "The boy, My lamb, shall return to My flock, for He has done his duty.  I did not put My lamb with your flock to lose him, but to retrieve another lost lamb."


The surgeon, the lost lamb, wept...


The surgeon sat beside the boy's bed.  The boy's parents sat across from him. The boy awoke and whispered, "Did you cut open my heart?"


"Yes," said the surgeon.


"What did you find?" asked the boy.

"I found Jesus there," said the surgeon.


Author
Unknown - Celebrate Jesus in 2010

"Let Go and Let God"

This is my all time favorite recovery slogan.  In it I can experience peace in a sober life that has lead me to severe depression and anxiety in the past.  For me these five little words can mean the different between insanity and serenity.

Someone close to me in the program gave me a "God Box."  I write my character defects, situations, people, and anything else that I have no control over and that I don't want to worry about on little pieces of paper and put them in my God box.  This simple action helps me to Let Go and Let God. 

The blue stones in my God box were also given to me by the same woman who gave me the box. They represent God's miracles. I have a separate dish that I put a blue miracle stone into every time a miracle happens. This simple action helps me to acknowledge God as the giver of all miracles and to thank him for all of his blessings in my life.

The whole 12 Step program is basically a program of simple actions.

What is your favorite recovery slogan?

A Week of Virtues - Day 5 - Acceptance

Acceptance:  acknowledging reality exactly as it is without attempting to change it to fit our needs or desires

"Accepting does not necessarily mean 'liking,' 'enjoying,' or 'condoning.' I can accept what is—and be determined to evolve from there. It is not acceptance but denial that leaves me stuck."   ~ Nathaniel Branden, American psychologist

I find that when coming to accept something, what I am really doing is grieving the loss of some false belief of mine.  Acceptance is the fifth stage of grieving.  I find that I must go through the first four stages before I reach acceptance of a situation, person, or truth in my life.  I will use alcoholism as an example.

*  My false belief is that I am a normal drinker.

Stage 1 - Denial
I'm not an alcoholic.  I don't have a problem.  I'm fine.  There's nothing abnormal about me.

Stage 2 - Anger
Why me?  I don't deserve this!  I am pissed off that I am an alcoholic!  It's not fair!

Stage 3 - Bargaining
Please, God, let me be able to drink like a normal person.  I'll do anything if you just fix me so I can drink and be ok.

Stage 4 - Depression
Poor me!  I am an alcoholic.  My life is ruined.  I'll never have any fun again.  Why do these things always happen to me?  I am a terrible person.

Stage 5 - Acceptance
I am an alcoholic and that is ok.  I have a disease.  I can admit that I have it, not be angry about it, not feel sorry for myself about it, but can realize the reality of it and live my life accordingly. 

More on my story of acceptance can be found here.

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.  ~  Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous 

 
Acceptance is the path to serenity for me.  Practicing acceptance doesn't mean that I have to accept "unacceptable behavior," such as any type of abuse from others.  While I can't change them, I can remove myself from them and their destructive behaviors.  In this way I am accepting the reality of the way they are (i.e., abusive, unhealthy, etc.) and choosing not to be a part of it.  In practicing acceptance, I must always keep in mind what I can and cannot change, which is why the Serenity Prayer is so powerful in my recovery today.
 
 

Serenity Prayer

 

God, grant me the serenity to

accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

 

 

Rushing Around

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The last few days I have been feeling out of sorts.  It could be vacation let down among many other things.  Mostly, I feel overwhelmed by the day to day activities of living.  Doing a 4th and 5th step this weekend helped some.  Getting back to my regular meetings this week is helping some.  I am hoping that talking with my sponsor will help, too.  She is going through some really hard stuff of her own and I feel a disconnect from her and frankly, it scares me!


Mostly, I am feeling irritable and discontent.  Not a good place to be but I know it will pass as I continue to work the steps, work with others, go to meetings, pray, and keep trying to touch base with my sponsor.

The kids start back to school in two weeks.  I know my spirit is craving time away from the constant attention my family demands from me and even just the noise and movement they produce around the house.  I pray I can hang on for a little while longer.  I am tired but I am glad God loves me.
Today, I am thankful for:

- healthy children

- a loving marriage

- air conditioning

- this computer

- you

What does your program look like?

I start “working my program” each morning by getting out of bed.  There have been times even in sobriety that I was unable to do this due to severe depression.  Every morning I kneel and say the 3rd and 7th Steps prayers and the Serenity Prayer.  Later, usually while sitting on my back patio sipping on my first cup of coffee, I read one or two daily meditations.  Currently, I am reading from Each Day a New Beginning, a daily meditation book for women by Karen Casey (Hazelden Press) and The Song of the Bird by Anthony de Mello.

On good days I sit quietly after reading each meditation and listen.  I listen for God to speak to my heart about anything from guidance on a particular situation to what I should blog about that day.  But mostly I listen for whatever he would have me hear at that exact moment and for what I should do when I go back inside to the “real world” of taking care of kids and pets, housework, relating to my husband, family, and friends, receiving phone calls from the women whom I sponsor, and participating my hobbies.

I call my sponsor one or two times a week as well as see her at my home group meeting.  I currently sponsor three women, two of which usually attend my home group meeting.  The same two call me several times a week.  The third is a newcomer who I see and hear from sporadically despite my requests to hear from her daily.

On good weeks, I go to one or two meetings in one program (one of which is always my home group) and one or two meetings in another program.  This mostly depends on my husband’s work schedule since I have small kids at home.  My home group is a 12 Step meeting.  The other meetings I go to alternate their format each week between book studies, speakers, and topics.
Over the last four months, blogging has become a part of my program.  I write, read, and comment to increase my connection with others in recovery.

I wish I could say that each night I worked Step 10 by reviewing my day and list things well done and things not so well done.  I also wish I could say that each night I thank God for keeping me sober but I can‘t.  I used to write these thoughts in my journal each night before going to sleep.  I stopped doing this when my last manic episode started back in March.  My mind and body became too fast for me to sit still and reflect on the day's events.  Now I am taking a new medication that makes me too sleepy to do this at night.  No worries. I will pray, trust, and keep trying.

Pray, trust, and keep trying.  Pray, trust, and keep trying.  I like that mantra.  Simple. (But not easy.)

What does your daily recovery program look like?  Thanks for sharing!

One Day at a Time

I haven't been feeling well the last few days -sore throat, achy body, fatigue.  When I am physically sick, irritability and downright crabbiness fill my spirit.  Picking fights with my husband, avoiding demanding kids, and agonizing over the guilt that follows describes the self-inflicted prison in which I spent the 4th of July weekend.  While my family went off to a holiday get together, I spent last night home alone.  I rested in prayer and quiet listening which renewed my spirit (Step 11 at work.)

My sponsor reminded me today that we don't do well when physically ill.  Also, I know many alcoholics, like myself, that can handle a crisis with ease while the day to day events of normal life (whatever that is) can leave us feeling crazy.  I know the effects of my day to day happenings on my serenity are so subtle at times that I end up feeling "irritable and discontent" without knowing why.  How frustrating this is!  This disease is truly "cunning, baffling and powerful.". 

My sponsor assures me that continued work on the Steps of the program will fine tune my ability to maintain serenity in the midst of everyday life.  "It gets better," is her common response to my whiny complaints.  Thank God I believe her.  This faith in God and in the program gets me through another day -One Day at a Time.

"We are more likely to drink over a broken shoe lace than over the death of a loved one." - Anonymous recovered old timer 

Marie's Step 3 Prayer

Wash away my sins, Oh God.

I do not know my being.

Make of me

As you see fit.

It’s time I start believing.

From this day forth with your grace

I give my whole life to you.

Humble me.

I see your face.

Please tell me what now to do.

Fill my heart with a passion

That can never be ignored.

Guide me through

Your earthly land,

I beg of you , my sweet Lord.

Thank you for cleansing my soul;

Easing its torment and pain.

I offer

all to your Son;

Quaking, I call out his name:

Jesus! Please save me…again.

Forgive me. Mold me. Hold me

Safely in

Your loving arms,

My Savior, Master, and Friend.

~ Written by Marie on August 3, 2004

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