Emotional Sobriety

Thank you for the response to my last email.  I have decided for now to continue posting here since I feel this is the best way to reach those individuals specifically in recovery or interested in recovery.

Today I am going to talk a little about emotional sobriety.  Emotional sobriety involves having peace of mind regardless of what is going on around you.  It involves maintaining a clear head, and trusting in the process of life - "living life on life's terms."  Accepting what you cannot change.  Having faith.  Taking a deep breath and not flipping out when things don't go your way or when you become fearful or worried.

photo source

Feelings are not facts.  Feeling a certain way does not mean that in reality things are going the way I think they are.  For example...

Last night I became extremely fearful of some things that were upsetting my daughter at her school.  I feared that she was being exposed to unfair and possible cruel acts by her teacher.  I feared that her emotional development was being compromised.  I feared that I wasn't doing a good job at protecting her from a teacher who doesn't know how to relate to kids in a positive, supportive manner.

I took a deep breath after listening to her concerns and went to a meeting.  Talked about it at the meeting and decided to bring my concerns to the school director the next day.  Sounds simple and mature and emotionally sound enough, doesn't it?

Well, what ended up happening is I got home and went to discuss my fears and how upset I was with my husband and the first thing he said that I didn't agree with launched me into a rage of blaming him for not supporting me, not seeing things my way, for not wanting her to take this class to begin with.

My fears escalated to not knowing what to do, not being able to handle this on my own, to going crazy with worry about the whole situation.  I ended up saying things to him that I regret and later had to make amends for my hateful words.  All based on fear.

The facts are my daughter is safe, my husband supports me, I am not a bad or neglectful mother, and I don't know for sure how this teacher really is.  I do know how she is making my daughter feel, however, my daughter's feelings may not be facts either.

Couple all this with the fact that I was physically ill all day with a migraine and dealing with my other daughter's science project challenges at ten o'clock at night (which had me already frustrated with my husband for not helping her while I was gone) and its no wonder I lost control of my emotions.

The bottom line is sometimes things like this just happen.  Sometimes we can't keep it together.  Sometimes we don't even know how stressed we are until we explode.  If I hadn't been sick earlier in the day, I would have had more "spiritual time" to myself and been better prepared to handle the stressors that evening.  If I would have know that my husband was going to use "tough love" on my procrastinating daughter by not helping her with her science project, I would have stayed home from my meeting. 

All of this makes me realize that my daughter's complaints about her teacher, while upsetting to her, and therefore to me, would have been easier to handle had I been more spiritually fit that day.

Today, I will spend extra time with my meditation books, I will get a nap in, I will take some extra quiet time to myself, I will write, and pray, and do all the things I normally do to prepare myself for the upcoming evening when everyone gets home.

Emotional sobriety for me includes recognizing that I am human and will make mistakes and forgiving myself for them.  It means that when I am sick, tired and lonely, I will be more suseptible to emotional binges like last night.

Sometimes these things catch up with me before I realize it.  But when I look back on the situation I find there are ways I could have prevented the emotional upset I caused myself and others.  Different choices I could have made.  And just knowing this gives me hope for the future.

I can learn and do things differently next time.  "Progress not perfection" is what I have been taught.  Watch out for "HALT" (being hungry, angry, lonely, and tired) and "Easy Does It."

Any thoughts? 
 

Sixth Step

My experience with step six seems to always involve praying for the willingness to want God to remove my character defects . Sometimes I even have to pray for the willingness to be willing to pray for the willingness to have Him remove them. Step 6 is so much harder for me than 7 because in 6 I have to become ready, I have to be willing, I have to want God to change me and until that happens, not much happens except for maybe an increase in my levels of irritability and discontentment.

For the last several months I have been praying for God to help me become entirely ready to quit smoking. He has done that for me. I went from not wanting to quit to actually, honestly wanting to.  I have a support plan in place and have been quit for ten days now, one day at a time.

Currently, I am praying for help to become entirely ready to have God remove my character defect of guilt, which I have over being sick and unavailable to my 2 school-age children several times a month due to chronic, migraines (which are not my fault unless I do not keep vigilance on my stress and activity levels.)

So, I either curtailed my out-of-the-house activities with them (which they don't like, of course) or push myself and pay for it later on in the week when the fatigue and pain sets in. Either way, my crazy thinking tells me, "You are a bad mom. Your children deserve someone better; someone who isn't sick. They are getting short-changed because of you."  Hence, the guilt, which triggers and then so eloquently cycles with anger and self-pity (over not being able to control my physical ailments.)

I am not there yet, but God has brought me through Step 6 with so many other defects that I have no reason to believe He won't see me through this one, too.

What is your experience with step six or with being truly ready for God to change you?

Alcoholic Perfectionism

Who has it?

 

Me!  I am my own worst critic (as the cliche says.) I find that the harder I am on myself and the more expectations I have of myself then the more I expect from others. Goes to show that when something is bothering me about the actions (or non-actions) of others, I really DO need to look at what is going on within myself.

 

This week is a good example. I have been lonely (still not sure why); restless and anxious (probably because the kids are now on summer vacation,) which leads to mental, physical, and emotional exhaustion for me, which significantly depletes my spiritual reserves.

 

My expectations for myself have been very high lately. Examples, include: to be ok with groups of 11-year-old girls coming in and out of my house all day (after all, I like knowing where they are and what they are doing - i.e., control. :) I am also on the other side of a severe depressive episode, and feel guilty for not doing more than my share of the housework to make up for my lack of it over the last year (even though those expectations are mine alone, and my husband would be glad to help if I'd just ask. But, no, instead I made snide remarks and played the martyr this morning about all of the things on my plate today. Later, when I made amends, I told him I was overwhelmed and we had a good talk.)

 

I know that I need time to myself each day to connect to my Higher Power, and with the kids home now, I just don't get it. And that statement just made me realize why I am feeling lonely (I miss my God.)  I think I may need to work Step 11 extra hard this summer. :)

 

In what ways does your fear of making mistakes or of not being "good enough" cause you distress?

Do Alcoholics Have the Option to Choose Self Control?

My ten year old daughter continues to exhibit bipolar symptoms, specifically anger and irritability, morning, noon, and night. Yesterday morning, I kept my cool with her and my serenity was not affected. This morning, on the other hand, I responded to her disrespectful actions and words with my own anger and frustration and my serenity vanished. Poof! Gone…

Afterwards, I went outside and sat in the morning sunshine to read a spiritual (although, not recovery-based) meditation book a friend gave to me this week. I immediately felt a sense of peace and relief as I read the words I needed to hear until I got to the last part which discussed self-control. It reads:

I choose self-control…Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. To these I commit my day. If I succeed, I will give thanks. If I fail, I will seek his grace.

My blood pressure rose as I read those words and I tore that page right out of the flippin’ book!

Self-control??? I have no self-control! If I did, I wouldn't need a 12-step program for my alcoholism. WTF? Does this mean normal people have a choice when it comes to self-control because I sure don't.  On the contrary, I am out of control.  I am powerless.  My life is unmanageable by me.  I am unmanageable by me.

Definition of self-control: "Control of one's emotions, actions, or desires by one's own will."

I thought this picture was cute, however, a cork wouldn't work because I'd have to buy a bottle of wine in order to get the cork (oh, the irony! :)

I am not in a great place at the moment. Therefore, I am reaching out to my fellow alcoholics and humbly asking you to share your experience, strength, and hope on this self-control thing.  Am I missing something?

I choose to admit that I am powerless (step 1.)  I choose to believe my life is unmanageable and that God can restore me to sanity (step 2.)  I choose to make the decision to turn my life over to God (step 3.)  I choose to write down my faults (step 4.)  I choose to talk with my sponsor about them (step 5.)  I choose to be willing to have God remove my faults (step 6.)  I choose to ask him to remove them (step 7.)  I choose to make a list of those I have harmed (step 8) and to make amends except when to do so would injure them or others (step 9.)  I choose to review my conduct each day (step 10.)  I choose to pray and meditate (step 11.)  I choose to try to practice the principles of the program in all of my affairs and to carry the message of the program to other alcoholics (step 12.)

But can I choose to have self-control?   Can I choose to control myself?  Can you?

Alcoholism, Sobriety, and Recovery - a Step Ten Spiritual Experience

I listened to them fight. Like I used to be, she is sensitive, defensive, discontent, irritable, and miserable. Unlike me, she is only ten years old and has never touched a drop of alcohol. Yet, she thinks and acts like one who is drinking herself into an early grave.

Like my husband, my other daughter is selfless, kind, loving, as well as hurt and confused about why the former spews venomous words and blames her for all that is wrong in life. Unlike my husband, she is only five years old and was born into this alcoholic family rather than married into it.

Doesn’t matter…we all have alcoholism and sometimes it really sucks.

I have a sponsor, my daughter has a counselor, and we both have psychiatrists and God. I hate what I see and I cry because I can’t fix her any more than I can fix myself.


Step One: I am powerless.


Step Two: I believe God will restore my sanity (and my daughter's)


Step Three: and at times, I allow Him to restore mine.  The times when I don't is when I focus on my fears.  For example, I become scared to death for my children and agonize over the pain of living from which I cannot completely protect them.


Step Four: During these times, it is best for me to write out my fears and the ways in which I may be harming them by not allowing them to feel their own growing pains, for example.


Step Five: I discuss these things with my sponsor on a regular basis merely because they surface on a regular basis.


Step Six: I want God to remove my fears and seemingly selfless actions that are, in reality, an attempt to relieve the suffering I experience when I see my children suffering.


Step Seven: I ask God to remove these fears, defects, and shortcomings from me as He sees fit.


Step Eight: I place myself at the top of the list and any others whom I have harmed.


Step Nine: I make amends to myself for the browbeating I often inflict on my own conscience (which only fuels my alcoholism.)

Step Ten:  ???   Oh, Step 10, where are youuuuu???

 It is at this exact point in my recent working of the steps, in which flames of “you’re a terrible mother” and “look at what you did to these kids” and “this is all your fault” ignite; my alcoholism trying to convince me that I have power; that some how I can control my life and my children's lives. 

If I believe these lies, which I often do, I go along living life until I, once again, experience enough pain to return to Step One (and admit my powerlessness, once again!)

Insidious disease!!! I haven’t worked Step 10 in months. The others, many times as I described above.  However, even a thorough 4th -9th step-run only straightens me out for a few weeks and then I am back where I started.

I kept asking, “Why? Why?” and this weekend He told me, “...no Step 10 work.”


“She does steps 4-9 repeatedly. That’s the same thing…even BETTER than a step 10,” my disease retorted. God smiled and like that smart little dog from the Wizard of Oz who pulled back the curtain to reveal a mere man pretending to be a great and powerful Wizard, God revealed the simplicity and significance of Step 10 to me.


My focus has been on the great and powerful Steps 4-9 (which are great and powerful in their own right.) However, for me, Step 10 works behind the curtain tirelessly to maintain the phenomenal effects of 4-9, as the carnival man did to control the powerful effects of the “wizard.”


If I work step 10 on a daily basis, maybe I will be less likely to fall backwards as quickly as I have been on my Steps 4-9 every-other-month plan…that plan isn't in the Big Book!


I also wonder if skipping step 10 is the reason that steps 11 and 12 have been such chores for me lately...

Thank you, God.  Thank you, all.




http://wikimediafoundation.org/wiki/File:Are-you-a-wizard.jpg



Sobriety and Life Tie the Knot

Sober living is hard, enjoyable, stressful, serene, tough, and simple.  How can it be so many opposing things?  It can for me because it is life, a mysterious experience of co-existing joy and sorrow, suffering and relief, pain and serenity.  It is real, it is now, and it is unpredictable.

I am going on seven consecutive weeks of family illnesses, snow days, holidays, birthdays, and crises - all the usual life events - with no end yet in sight.  I want to run away via the bottle, the car, or in my really low spots, death. 

Thank goodness God has other plans for me. Otherwise, I would be writing this drunk, from a deserted island, or not at all.

I have a lot to complain about…many things I don’t like but as my sponsor says, I “don’t have to like it.”  I also have a lot to be grateful for…many things that I do like…and when I focus on those aspects of my life I have a real chance at conforming to God’s will - staying sober, living with my family, and remaining alive.

How do I keep my focus on the positives?  I have only one answer:

by working the 12 steps:

1. Admitting my powerlessness
2. Believing God will restore me to sanity
3. Trusting in His will
4. Completing a thorough self-appraisal
5. Calling my sponsor/telling her everything
6. Being willing for God to improve my character
7. Asking Him to improve my character
8. Making a list of those whom I have harmed
9. Making amends when appropriate
10. Performing repeated self-appraisals
11. Praying and meditating
12. Practicing these principles in all areas of my life and carrying the message to other alcoholics through service work (going to meetings to share and listen, sponsoring other women, writing these blog posts, etc.)

A long time ago, life handed me a rope and sometimes I swing joyfully from it like a child and sometimes I am tempted to noose it and hang myself.  Right now, I am tying a knot in the end of it and hanging on…while God and those who love me stand underneath with open arms, waiting to catch me if I fall. 

What more could I ask for?

Responsibilities in Sobriety - Grumblings versus Gratitude

Responsibilities                                         Grumblings                Gratitude

1.  taking care of sick children
non-stop for the last two weeks:               -I am tired                -God strengthens me 
                                                                       -I miss quietness         -I'm not hungover


2.  leaving early to get coffee cups
for my home group meeting                          -I am tired                   -they trust me w/$
                                                                           -I don't do my         
                                                                            own shopping         -they trust me w/$


3.  taking a friend to a meeting weekly     -why doesn't she       
                                                                      ever offer to drive?   -I have a car and can
                                                                                                                  afford gasoline
                                                                                                                -I have friends


4.  taking care of the kids alone while
husband works sooooo much                    -did I mention that
                                                                     I am fricking tired?     -I have a husband
                                                                                                                 who works hard
                                                                                                                 for us


5.  taking care of myself
and others                                                -I don't feel like it                -I know how  

Find Joy in Everyday Life

The past week has been productive and joyful. I have been working on some projects, Christmas shopping, and reading. We put up the Christmas tree and decor around the house. My five-year-old daughter came home from school the day my husband strung the colorful lights along the outside of our home and exclaimed, “The Christmas lights are up…this is the best day of my life!”

She reminded me that the little things in life make it great. The big things make it wonderful, too. My wedding day and the days my children were born were some of the best days of my life. However, the excitement of those days fade as time goes by and those memories do not sustain my joy for life indefinitely. I must find joy in living every day, one day at a time, in order to be able to claim that life is good.

The most effective way for me to find joy in everyday living is by working the 12 Steps. Following the suggestions outlined in these steps brings my will in line with God’s will without fail. The steps pave a path that leads me to the two reasons for which I believe that I exist:

1. To attain and maintain conscious contact with God

2. To be of service to others

I find joy during the process of achieving these two purposes. Where do you find joy these days? Is it a fleeting joy or one that permeates each day of your life?

A New Day of Attitude and Gratitude - with a side of Sponsorship and Serenity

I talked to my sponsor for over an hour last night after my last post.  I had so much to tell her that my mouth was moving a mile a minute.  I updated her on the past week and a half's events and as I did I could feel a great sense of relief and calm as my brain and all of it's alcoholic thoughts drained out of me like a full tub of bath water flows down the drain after pulling the plug. 

It was so cleansing and uplifting to my spirit to get all of that junk out of my head, to tell someone about everything I think and feel and do without fear of judgement, lack of understanding, or indifference. 

I share at most meetings I attend.  I talk to the women I sponsor and other women in the programs about this kind of stuff, too.  But, my sponsor is the one person who knows it all.  The whole me, not just parts, bits and pieces, here and there.  What a gift sponsorship is for me!  Syd just wrote a great post on Sponsorship that I recommend reading if you want to learn more about it.

But, before you go, I want to share with you my reflections on a meditation reading I came across today.  The prompt was a quote by Madeleine L'Engle who said, "My moments of being most complete, most integrated, have come in complete solitude or when I am being part of a body made up of many people going in the same direction."

It is then suggested to "take some time to examine yourself. When are you "most complete, most integrated"? Return to that place, that situation, to regain the healthy sense of self that is so easily lost in our world's clamor and activity."

Here is my list, in no particular order of significance:

1. when I am at a meeting
2. talking with my sponsor
3. working steps with women I sponsor
4. intimate times with my husband
5. writing on this blog and reading and commenting on others'
6. planting in the garden, specifically digging in the soil with my bare hands
7. reading the Bible
8. holding my daughter (either one) in my arms in silence

When do you feel "most complete, most integrated"? 
I would love to hear...

Thanks for reading. Have a blessed Sunday and I love you all.

Compassion, Abuse, Love, Anger, and Gratitude - all in a sober day's work...

Life is going...juggling the girls' school work and extracurricular activity schedules keeps us busy most days.  Time alone is greatly enjoyed while they are off growing their brains.  My littlest one is in Kindergarten and today she was kicked by a boy who was angry about something unrelated to her.  She just happened to be sitting next to him during circle time and caught the brunt of his physical outburst.  At least once a week, she tells us about how he gets mad and kick books and desks, and requires disciplinary action quite often.  Thankfully, the school called me after my daughter got home to make sure that I knew what had happened in case she mentioned it, which she already had.

When my oldest was in first grade a few years ago, she was instructed by the teacher to hand out papers to the students who were sitting quietly at their desk first and then to the rest.  The boy who always got into trouble in her class was being rambunctious as usual that day and therefore, got his paper last.  Angrily he looked at my daughter and said, "I am going to kill you."  The really scary part is we live in one of the best school districts in the state; in a middle to upper class community and my girls attend one of the most sought out schools where teachers want to work. 

The school administrators and teachers are extremely responsive and supportive to the needs of children as well as the parents.  I am very grateful.  But, I am also saddened that kids so young are so verbally and physically abusive.  I wonder what happens to them at home.  What are they being allowed to watch on television?  Or worse, what is being done to them for them to act in such violent ways at such a young age?  And what was done to their parents for them to be teaching or modeling such behavior for their children? 

While I have empathy for these young boys and their obvious emotional troubles, the buck stops with the adults who are responsible for them.  I know they are probably doing the best with what they have as my parents did in the midst of their alcoholism but as an adult child of alcoholics I can choose a solution other than the one my parents chose during my childhood.  I can break the cycle of active alcoholism in my family, for the sake of my marriage and my children (and myself.)  However, I cannot do it alone. 

Through the power of God, which I can best access by working the 12 steps with others and continuing to share my experience, strength and hope as well as listen and learn from the experience, strength and hope of others, I can break the chains of alcoholism that bind, not only the alcoholic but the entire family, in prison cells of despair, loneliness, anger, and fear. 

Thanks to the grace of God I didn't drink today and was therefore, able to be a comforting and loving and fully present mother to my beautiful baby girl when she really needed her mommy's protective and unending devotion the most.  How precious and priceless the gifts of sobriety are!  My heart is overflowing with gratitude and humility for God and for his love for me, for my family, for all of us.

"Not my will but thine be done"

"Tomorrow morning," the surgeon began, "I'll open up your heart..."


"You'll find Jesus there," the boy interrupted..


The surgeon looked up, annoyed. "I'll cut your heart open," he continued, "to see how much damage has been done..."


"But when you open up my heart, you'll find Jesus in there," said the boy.


The surgeon looked to the parents, who sat quietly. "When I see how much damage has been done, I'll sew your heart and chest back up, and I'll plan what to do next."


"But you'll find Jesus in my heart. The Bible says He lives there. The hymns all say He lives there. You'll find Him in my heart."
 
The surgeon had had enough. "I'll tell you what I'll find in your heart.  I'll find damaged muscle, low blood supply, and weakened vessels.  And I'll find out if I can make you well."


"You'll find Jesus there, too. He lives there."


The surgeon left.




The surgeon sat in his office, recording his notes from the surgery, "....damaged aorta, damaged pulmonary vein, widespread muscle degeneration.  No hope for transplant, no hope for cure. Therapy:  painkillers and bed rest.  Prognosis:"  here he paused, "death within one year."


He stopped the recorder, but there was more to be said. "Why?" he asked aloud.  "Why did You do this?  You've put him here; You've put him in this pain; and You've cursed him to an early death. Why?"


The Lord answered and said, "The boy, my lamb, was not meant for your flock for long, for he is a part of My flock, and will forever be.  Here, in My flock, he will feel no pain and will be comforted as you cannot imagine.  His parents will one day join him here and they will know peace, and My flock will continue to grow.."


The surgeon's tears were hot, but his anger was hotter. "You created that boy and You created that heart.  He'll be dead in months. Why?"


The Lord answered, "The boy, My lamb, shall return to My flock, for He has done his duty.  I did not put My lamb with your flock to lose him, but to retrieve another lost lamb."


The surgeon, the lost lamb, wept...


The surgeon sat beside the boy's bed.  The boy's parents sat across from him. The boy awoke and whispered, "Did you cut open my heart?"


"Yes," said the surgeon.


"What did you find?" asked the boy.

"I found Jesus there," said the surgeon.


Author
Unknown - Celebrate Jesus in 2010

Recovery and Nature - Dogs

photo credit

Dogs are simple creatures.  I look at my Golden Retriever and he wags his tail.  I walk through the door and he wags his tail and brings me one of his toys.  I go outside and he follows me.  I come inside and he follows me.  I go to bed and his does, too, on the floor next to my bed.  He depends on me for all of his basic needs -- to feed and groom him; to let him outside to you know what; and to love him.  Love?  A basic need?  You bet!

I grew up in an alcoholic home where my basic needs of food, clothing, shelter, and an education were met and for that I thank God.  I started out better than many.  Love on the other hand was touch and go secondary to my parents' disease of alcoholism.  I think it sounds cliche to say that "they did the best they could with what they had."  But, it is true.

In my daily meditation reading this morning in the Al-Anon book, Hope for Today, the author talked about dogs and why they bark.  She or he suspects that a dog barks because because he is afraid.  My dog only barks when someone knocks on the door (unlike the neighbors dogs who seem to bark at the air! :)  Is he  fearful, being protective of our family, or both?

When I "bark" at others, it is usually because I am in fear or protecting someone I love.  I yelled at my daughter when she ran towards the street last night because I feared she may get hit by a car and I wanted to protect her.  I have been known to yell at my husband for leaving his dirty clothes on the floor for fear that I may have to do more work around the house and I want to protect my free time.  Now, the former example is responsible parenting while the latter is laziness. 

Although, I am not suggesting that all of us women should pick up after our significant others.  I believe there is a difference between not doing for others what they can do for themselves and just being selfish.  I yelled at him because my motive was selfish.  If my motive would have been to merely set a boundary, I would have discussed it in a way for which later I didn't have to make an amends to him. 

But, I digress.  You can see how my alcoholic thinking goes from simple to complicated in just one paragraph!  LOL.  Back to the dog...

IF I pay attention, my dog shows me how to be humbly devoted, dependent, loving, and forgiving.  He doesn't hold grudges nor complain about his life.  My most favorite quality about my dog is that he loves unconditionally.  Who ever said being in the dog house was a bad thing must not have had a program.  Being in the dog house teaches me humility and dependence on God.  If only I could consistently forgive and love others unconditionally and be as grateful and as devoted to God as my dog is to me...

But, under no uncertain terms, will I pee outside ever again (couldn't have said that if I was still drinking!  smiles ;)

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"Keep It Simple"

(I was planning on writing about this slogan and was pleased to see that Brian M. said it was one of his favorites, too!)

This slogan has been really important for me for the last year.  My illness demands that I keep my days simple or else I suffer from migraines, fatigue, irritability, and depression.  Unfortunately, the demands of motherhood and sponsorship don't always allow me to keep it simple.  The last two days have been an example of that, which is why I didn't post anything yesterday. 

Even with God's strength and practicing the 12 Steps in all of my affairs, my physical and mental limitations still control my life.  I am powerless.

I don't think God interferes with the natural order of things.  Therefore, I am no longer angry with him for not relieving me of these limitations.  Instead, I accept them and have learned to be grateful for them since they ultimately bring me to my knees and back to the one who has all power -- God.

I thank God for the pain and suffering I experience due to my illnesses (alcoholism included.)  For it is in this suffering that I am learning the true meaning of humility.  And in the state of humility is where I find peace and serenity. 

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Thank you to the following bloggers for submitting some of their favorite recovery slogans:

Just For Today, HOW (Honesty, Open minded, Willingness), and HALT (don't get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired)  from  Izzy @ Conversing

Keep Coming Back from  dAAve @ higer powered

ACE (Accept, Change, or Eliminate) from BRB at Notes from the BRB Queen

Let Go and Let God from steve at STEVERONI'S BLOG

F.A.I.T.H. (Finally Allowing It To Happen) from Jeremy at Half measures avail us nothing

How Important Is It?  from Syd at I'm Just F.I.N.E. -- Recovery in Al-Anon

Keep It Simple from Brian M. at The Three Legged Stool

A Week of Gratitude - Day 3

Today, I am thankful for:

~ a place I can call home

~ knowing that my parents are unwilling victims of the disease of alcoholism

~ knowing that I am, too

~ the fact that my daughters are not exposed to the chaos of active alcoholics

~ 12-Step programs, which have given my parents and me a chance to live "happy, joyous, and free" sober lives

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Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.

~Author Unknown

What's Your Problem?

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I have been looking forward to having some down time this week since the kids went back to school.  But, alas...a minor playground injury on the first day of school, my oldest now home running a fever (unrelated to the playground incident), plus a husband who's been home sick for the last few days makes for a busier, more stressful week than normal.  It just goes to show that I can never be sure about how absolutely opposite my days can turn out to be from what I expected.  And there in lies my problem:  Expectations! 

Before learning how to "live life on life's terms" from people in the program, I would have used all of the unexpected events this week as reasons to drink.  Feeling stressed out and tired, I would have said, "I deserve to get drunk after taking care of everyone all week."  (I play a great martyr!)  Feeling angry about the week not going as I planned followed by feeling guilty for being angry that my family got sick (like they can help it!), I would have drank to drown those feelings away.  I drank a lot in order to escape from my feelings, especially anxiety, anger, and guilt.

During my first few years in recovery, I thought I wasn't going to feel angry, anxious, or guilty anymore.  I thought life was supposed to get easier and that I would magically be happy all of the time.  Then I learned, as it says in the Big Book, my "liquor was but a symptom."  My real problem is the way I think.  When my thinking is out of sorts, my feelings are soon out of control, usually followed by harmful behavior. 

Later, I learned more about identifying my feelings and experiencing and processing them in the safety of the rooms of the programs and in the arms of my sponsor rather than running away from them.  I learned, through working Steps 4 and 5 again, how my thinking problem (not drinking problem) caused these feelings to grow out of control.  I learned, through working Steps 6 and 7 again, how God can change my thinking so that my feelings stay in check instead of intensifying to levels that cause me to behave in ways that are harmful to myself and others.  I have to let go of all of my old ideas and allow God's ideas (or will) to take their place. 

Take this week for example.  When taking care of all the sickies around me, I have to remember (or be reminded by my sponsor) to let go of the idea that I am Super Mom.  When I can let go of this idea then I am less likely to become overwhelmed.  When I am not overwhelmed, I am better able to quiet my mind and when I am able to quiet my mind, I have a greater chance at consciously connecting with God (Step 11).  This conscious contact with my Higher Power gives me a feeling of peace I cannot describe except to say, it gives me the strength I need to continue to be of service (Step 12), which I believe is God's idea. 

I just realized that in this case, my idea and God's idea are the same:  for me to be of service.  Actually, this is probably God's idea in all cases. (Yikes!) 

Excuse me while I take a quick intermission to process a spiritual awakening...

OK, I'm back. 

As I was going to say, my "Super Mom idea" means I am trying to serve others on my own power.  God's idea means my service to others is fueled by the power that I receive from Him.  Let me think...my power versus God's power... It's a no brainer, right?  I mean, DUH!!!  When I put it that way, I feel Super Silly to even think about doing anything on my own power.  But, like I said before, my real problem is the way I think.

Love to you all.

That Peaceful, Easy Feeling

I have missed blogging this week!  Reading your inspirational posts each day, commenting and writing has become a part of my recovery program for which I am very grateful. 


We spent the last few days boating and visiting with friends.  Since we were kid-free, cocktails were flowing freely, except for me, of coarse.  I watched these normal drinkers open their first drink on the boat around noon, stop drinking around 2:00 while eating lunch, drink more after lunch until dinnertime, at which point they switched to non-alcoholic beverages for the rest of the night.  I was acutely aware of being different than my friends not because they drank and I didn't but rather because of HOW they drank vs. HOW I used to drink. 


For example, if I was still drinking, I would have started around noon whether the kids were present or not and I wouldn't have stopped until I passed out that night.  It still baffles me to watch people drink enough alcohol to get that peaceful, easy feeling and then to just stop and lose that peaceful, easy feeling. 


Oh, wait... I often forget that this is what happens to alcoholics like me. 


My friends don't lose that peaceful, easy feeling when they stop drinking. 
I did.
In fact, they don't need to drink in the first place to get those feelings. 
I did. 


At this point in my sobriety, I am not tempted or bothered by other people drinking around me.  I have no desire to drink, thanks to the grace of God.  I also took my program with me -- got on my knees each morning to pray, read my meditation books, and knew that my sponsor and any number of other women were merely a phone call away.  

Most importantly, I made frequent conscious contact with my Higher Power, which gives me that peaceful, easy feeling like no other I have ever known.   

Looking forward to catching up on your blogs this week.

My Tuesday Hangover

Yesterday we spent the day with the kids out in 100 degree temperatures at a water park.  Everyone had a great time, however, I am paying for it today.  Fatigue, muscle aches, and joint pains kept me from doing anything today, except lay on the couch.  I knew before we left yesterday that I would probably feel like this today, but that knowledge didn't stop me from staying out in the heat too long, climbing hundreds of steps, bouncing off water slide after water slide, walking barefoot from ride to ride for seven hours straight and completely enjoying the day with my family. 


I used to drink knowing I would pay for it the next day.  But that knowledge never stopped me from staying up too late, drinking too many beers, glasses of wine, shots of whatever anyone was buying, and smoking too many cigarettes for eight hours straight and blacking out or, if I was lucky, passing out. 


The difference is I spent a day living life on life's terms yesterday rather than running away from reality via the bottle.  Today, I do not owe anyone an amends due to my actions yesterday.  I remember what happened yesterday.  I was fully present to give of myself in love and service yesterday.  I was able to play a role in a fun, healthy, positive family experience thanks to God and 12 step programs and the women in those programs who showed me by their words and actions how to be a responsible and loving member of recovery groups, member of my family, and member of society.  I am one of many - no longer trying "to struggle to the top of the heap or hide underneath it." (12 Steps and 12 Traditions of AA, page 53.)


Today, my greatest desire is to be in the "heap" where ever God wants me doing what ever He wants me to do even if it is merely laying on the couch and not feeling guilty for taking care of myself.

Sunday Gratitude

Today I am thankful for (in no particular order of importance):

• the opportunity to share my story at a meeting this weekend
• the blisters on my hand reminding me that I finally finished cutting and pulling the weeds in my new garden area
• the opportunity to spend time with my kids today even if we do stuff they want to do rather than what I want to do
• my plans to go to my home group meeting tonight
• once again, air conditioning ( 100 degree weather here )
• having a relationship with God

I am never sure when I share my story if I help anyone or not.  Thankfully, this is not a worry of mine (anymore) because I have learned in the program that I am only responsible for taking the action and that the outcome is none of my business.  What a freedom!  So, with tongue-in-cheek I end this post with the picture below.  Happy Sunday, everyone!

We are not a Glum Lot

"We are not a glum lot" is a quote from Alcoholics Anonymous big book.  I forget to use this slogan in my daily recover quite often.  As, a child of alcoholics, I have learned that I take myself too seriously most of the time.  I worry too much about doing things right, being perfect, especially when it comes to my role as a mom, wife, and sponsor.  My anxiety comes from a fear of not doing or saying the right thing and of disappointing others or causing them harm.  I am very hard on myself.  So, in light of bringing some humor to my day today, I feel a nudge to tell you about two different conversations I had with my five year old daughter recently.

While eating corn on the cob at dinner:
Daughter:  Mommy, how do they get the corn to stay on the cob?
Me:  It just grows that way, honey.
Daughter:  I think they glue it on.

While brushing our teeth this morning:
Daughter:  Mommy, why is that thing hanging down in the back of my mouth?
(She was referring to her uvula and I honestly, I didn't know what it's function is until I looked it up)
Me:  I'm not sure.
Daughter:  I think it is there so the food can go down one side and the water goes down the other side.

Makes sense to me - LOL!

Also, did you know that some people pierce their uvula? 

Now that's funny.

I also feel nudged to tell you about dAAve's blog, which gives me daily doses of humor.  Thanks, Dave!

I am grateful that I don't have to take myself so seriously all of the time.  I am grateful that I have friends that remind me.  Easy Does It... 

God and Vacation

photo credit

My husband was on vacation this week. We were busy everyday taking the kids to various tourist attractions.  Normally, these family outings tax my mental capacities past their limits.  After a couple of hours, the crowds, heat, noise, and physical exertion leave me feeling overwhelmed, over-stimulated, on edge, and exhausted.  (Oh, the joys of depression!)  However, this week, it appears that God removed from me whatever it is about my brain that causes my hypersensitive system to over-react to normal day to day situations.

I became aware of this the day we went to a water-park.  My youngest and I were in the water facing each other and holding hands.  She was jumping up and down, laughing, and enjoying the splashes of water around her.  My focus was completely on her as I experienced pure joy in watching her smile and laugh and jump.  Then I looked around me and as I scanned the hundreds of people around us, the noises became louder, the unpredictable movement of others became threatening, my breath quickened, my heart began to race, and fear began to seize me.  (For those who do not know, this is what it is like to begin to have a panic/anxiety attack.)

At this point, I would normally get out of the pool, find a quiet shady spot, and rest for a while.  But instead, this thought came into my head out of nowhere: “Just focus on D” (my daughter.)  Almost reflexively, I returned my gaze to my daughter’s beautiful little face and gave her my full attention.  At the same time, I was fully aware of the noises around me as they slowly decreased as if someone turned down the volume like on a radio.  Soon the noises seemed far away.  The people seemed far away.  But they weren’t.  It felt as though God encapsulated us in a safe little bubble, safe from any external forces, giving me the freedom to be fully present in the moment with my child.

For the first time in over two years, I felt a huge weight lift from me.  I felt as light as a feather.  I felt peace if only for those few precious moments.  I just realized as writing this that the day at the water-park was the exact date, one year ago, that I swallowed a bunch of pills and admitted myself to the hospital psychiatric unit.

Appendix II in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous describes the term “spiritual experience” as “a profound alteration to (one’s) reaction to life.”  I am going to chalk this one up as a spiritual experience.  God is good and I am grateful!


I’m curious…what spiritual experience have you had?