Sobriety, Emotional and Mental Disorders

Hello? -hello, hello {echoing}...

I am alive. Thank you to those who have inquired about my hiatus. Recovery is a peculiar thing. Being alcohol-free is not as free as it sounds. For me, it has cost the blissful ignorance I used to have about my true nature.

I have been coming to terms with some hard truths about myself. Some UGLY, hard truths, which I am processing through more so than ever currently. As a result, I have had to step back from blogging for a bit because I believe it is in everyone's best interest to not throw too much crap out into the world. There is enough as it is. And honestly (because it is an honest program, after all :), that is all I've had to offer lately. And ironically, because of the 12 step program, I know that only being capable of slinging crap is ok as long as it is done in a way that doesn't harm anyone, including the program, and as long as I keep using the steps as my solution.

It says in the Big Book, "there are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest." Friends, I am here to tell you that I have that capacity and therefore, I HAVE HOPE! As long as there is breath inside of me, I have hope.

And I will continue to offer my experience and strength to others. For now, however, I have not the strength to do it on this blog. I am leaning hard on those around me. They are sharing their strength with me. It IS "how it works" and it is a beautiful thing.

Alcoholism, Mental Illness and Recovery

Happy Spring!  I hope everyone is doing well.  Life continues around me and I am doing my best with God's help, of course, to keep up or at least survive each moment.  I have been focusing on living in the present, not dwelling on the past too much nor worrying about the future.  Those are some tough tasks for me and not because I like to think about the past and future too much but rather because the present moments are often difficult to bear.

I have a great life and many, many blessings for which I am ever thankful to God.  The difficulties remain in my mood swings and my powerlessness over mental illness.  I asked the universe this week if there will ever come a day when I would rather be alive than dead.  The universe didn't give me a definitive answer so I guess I'll keep plugging along.  Maybe that is the answer; just keep plugging along.

I have a friend who has a teenager who is depressed and he often self-mutilates by cutting.  She knows my history and asked me if I thought he was inflicting physical pain in an attempt to distract himself from his mental anguish.  I said that I didn't know why he was doing it but the reason I did it at his age was because of self-hatred. 

I had so much anger and was conditioned to stuff it as a child that when it eventually started boiling out of me, I took it out on myself in secrecy.  Nobody knew so nobody punished me for expressing anger.  Yet, I knew and ironically, inflicted my own punishment.  Weird.  I never really thought of it that way until now.

Today, I do not hate myself.  In fact, I love myself because through the 12 step program and the examples of those women in the programs, I have learned how to see myself through God's eyes and that is an amazing gift to possess.  I love myself with all of my heart!

However, I hate my mental illness symptoms as much as I hated being alcoholic when I first got sober.  Today, I am indifferent about having alcoholism.  It is what it is and I am so grateful that the solution found in the 12 steps works for me and my alcoholism.

Maybe some day I will feel the same about mental illness.  However, for today, my symptoms are extremely painful and I struggle to find peace in them.  Yet, I remain hopeful.  I turn to God at every painful moment for help and I turn to him at every peaceful moment to give thanks.  I learned to do that by working the 12 steps "in all my affairs."

In addition to working my program, I continue to take other actions necessary to treat my mental illness (going to my psychiatrist monthly, being honest with her and others about my symptoms, taking care of myself to the best of my ability and most importantly, not being too hard on myself.)

I do not have any more power over my bipolar disorder than I do over my alcoholism.  In both cases, the only power I have is in the willingness to take the actions suggested to me by others.  So, that is what I will keep doing...I'll just keep plugging along and we'll see what happens...

Serenity in Sobriety - Is Love All You Need?

Currently, my spiritual journey has brought me to the realization that the more I accept and love myself, every part of myself, the more peace I experience. I spent so many years judging, berating, and despising my human condition that by the time I got to the rooms of the 12 step program, I had nearly snuffed out the tiny light of the spirit left in me. In the program, we refer to these aspects of the human condition as "character defects." I hated them.


I hated them to a point of starving myself and binging and purging as a preteen. I hated them to the point of trying to slowly kill myself with alcohol from age 15-32. I hated them to the point of subjecting myself to demoralizing experiences with men from age 16-21. I hated them to the point of purposefully injuring my body with razor blade cuts from age 18-20. I hated them to the point of considering suicide several times IN SOBRIETY.


Don't you see that alcoholism is not about alcohol as much as it is about an illness of the mind that wants to destroy the soul using any means possible? Anorexia, bulimia, drugs, sex, self-injury, suicide...it doesn't care which does the job...they are all a means to the same end which is a full separation from the "sunlight of the spirit," from God, from Love.


For me, being sober is no guarantee that I won't die from this disease. For me, the only hope I have to transcend decades of self-hate is to love and accept all of me, including my character defects.

Why? Because for today, I believe that my character defects are present as a direct result of a lack of love.  Therefore, to continue to deny myself of love would merely perpetuate their existence.


The act of loving myself unconditionally - defects and all - will eventually eradicate these defects. Is this not the same thing as being willing and humbly asking God to remove my character defects as it is written in Steps 6 and 7?

Because what IS God but LOVE?

So it is LOVE that will remove them...God's love in me loving me.  Me loving me with God's love.  God and me, God's love and my love - one in the same.


For who am I but an extension of God's love?  God, Himself, said that He created us in His own image...


His image...


God IS Love. 

Therefore, if I believe I was created in His image then I have to believe that I was not created out of love - as something separate from love - but rather that I was created AS love.

My true self IS love.  I AM love.

Therefore, to not love, to not be myself, to not BE love is to kill my true self.

Does this make sense to you? Care to share any thoughts?


For a clearer explanation read the following article.

U N I V I S I O N S: Transcending into Love

This idea keeps presenting itself to me in various ways lately and this post is an attempt to relate what is being revealed to me to my alcoholism (NOT to my drinking problem but to my ALCOHOLISM, which includes all of the illness mentioned above...the eating disorder, bipolar symptoms, depression, etc.)


Thanks for reading and letting me share.  Enjoy the music video below, All You Need is Love by The Beatles.

Alcoholism, Sobriety, and Recovery - a Step Ten Spiritual Experience

I listened to them fight. Like I used to be, she is sensitive, defensive, discontent, irritable, and miserable. Unlike me, she is only ten years old and has never touched a drop of alcohol. Yet, she thinks and acts like one who is drinking herself into an early grave.

Like my husband, my other daughter is selfless, kind, loving, as well as hurt and confused about why the former spews venomous words and blames her for all that is wrong in life. Unlike my husband, she is only five years old and was born into this alcoholic family rather than married into it.

Doesn’t matter…we all have alcoholism and sometimes it really sucks.

I have a sponsor, my daughter has a counselor, and we both have psychiatrists and God. I hate what I see and I cry because I can’t fix her any more than I can fix myself.


Step One: I am powerless.


Step Two: I believe God will restore my sanity (and my daughter's)


Step Three: and at times, I allow Him to restore mine.  The times when I don't is when I focus on my fears.  For example, I become scared to death for my children and agonize over the pain of living from which I cannot completely protect them.


Step Four: During these times, it is best for me to write out my fears and the ways in which I may be harming them by not allowing them to feel their own growing pains, for example.


Step Five: I discuss these things with my sponsor on a regular basis merely because they surface on a regular basis.


Step Six: I want God to remove my fears and seemingly selfless actions that are, in reality, an attempt to relieve the suffering I experience when I see my children suffering.


Step Seven: I ask God to remove these fears, defects, and shortcomings from me as He sees fit.


Step Eight: I place myself at the top of the list and any others whom I have harmed.


Step Nine: I make amends to myself for the browbeating I often inflict on my own conscience (which only fuels my alcoholism.)

Step Ten:  ???   Oh, Step 10, where are youuuuu???

 It is at this exact point in my recent working of the steps, in which flames of “you’re a terrible mother” and “look at what you did to these kids” and “this is all your fault” ignite; my alcoholism trying to convince me that I have power; that some how I can control my life and my children's lives. 

If I believe these lies, which I often do, I go along living life until I, once again, experience enough pain to return to Step One (and admit my powerlessness, once again!)

Insidious disease!!! I haven’t worked Step 10 in months. The others, many times as I described above.  However, even a thorough 4th -9th step-run only straightens me out for a few weeks and then I am back where I started.

I kept asking, “Why? Why?” and this weekend He told me, “...no Step 10 work.”


“She does steps 4-9 repeatedly. That’s the same thing…even BETTER than a step 10,” my disease retorted. God smiled and like that smart little dog from the Wizard of Oz who pulled back the curtain to reveal a mere man pretending to be a great and powerful Wizard, God revealed the simplicity and significance of Step 10 to me.


My focus has been on the great and powerful Steps 4-9 (which are great and powerful in their own right.) However, for me, Step 10 works behind the curtain tirelessly to maintain the phenomenal effects of 4-9, as the carnival man did to control the powerful effects of the “wizard.”


If I work step 10 on a daily basis, maybe I will be less likely to fall backwards as quickly as I have been on my Steps 4-9 every-other-month plan…that plan isn't in the Big Book!


I also wonder if skipping step 10 is the reason that steps 11 and 12 have been such chores for me lately...

Thank you, God.  Thank you, all.




http://wikimediafoundation.org/wiki/File:Are-you-a-wizard.jpg



My Sober Week

Photo credits unknown.

Sobriety and Life Tie the Knot

Sober living is hard, enjoyable, stressful, serene, tough, and simple.  How can it be so many opposing things?  It can for me because it is life, a mysterious experience of co-existing joy and sorrow, suffering and relief, pain and serenity.  It is real, it is now, and it is unpredictable.

I am going on seven consecutive weeks of family illnesses, snow days, holidays, birthdays, and crises - all the usual life events - with no end yet in sight.  I want to run away via the bottle, the car, or in my really low spots, death. 

Thank goodness God has other plans for me. Otherwise, I would be writing this drunk, from a deserted island, or not at all.

I have a lot to complain about…many things I don’t like but as my sponsor says, I “don’t have to like it.”  I also have a lot to be grateful for…many things that I do like…and when I focus on those aspects of my life I have a real chance at conforming to God’s will - staying sober, living with my family, and remaining alive.

How do I keep my focus on the positives?  I have only one answer:

by working the 12 steps:

1. Admitting my powerlessness
2. Believing God will restore me to sanity
3. Trusting in His will
4. Completing a thorough self-appraisal
5. Calling my sponsor/telling her everything
6. Being willing for God to improve my character
7. Asking Him to improve my character
8. Making a list of those whom I have harmed
9. Making amends when appropriate
10. Performing repeated self-appraisals
11. Praying and meditating
12. Practicing these principles in all areas of my life and carrying the message to other alcoholics through service work (going to meetings to share and listen, sponsoring other women, writing these blog posts, etc.)

A long time ago, life handed me a rope and sometimes I swing joyfully from it like a child and sometimes I am tempted to noose it and hang myself.  Right now, I am tying a knot in the end of it and hanging on…while God and those who love me stand underneath with open arms, waiting to catch me if I fall. 

What more could I ask for?

Sobriety + Silence + Stillness = Serenity

After a busy Holiday season with life's normal ups and downs, the kiddos are back in school today and my whole being is shouting for joy in the silence and stillness which surround me like a warm, cozy blanket on a snowy winter night.  My ears soak up the silence like a dry sponge does water.  I hear the hum of the refrigerator running and the tapping of my fingers on the keyboard and nothing more.  My body bathes in the stillness like sleeping newborn snuggled safe in his mother's arms.  Aaaahhhhhh..... :)

Sobriety

However, before I could enjoy such silence and stillness, I first had to achieve sobriety which is no easy task for an alcoholic like me.  I stopped drinking over six years ago and have been able to stay sober since then thanks to my Higher Power and a 12-step program.  For more about my story as it relates to getting and staying sober click here.


Silence

Once sober, I encountered something I never experienced before thanks to the mind-altering effects of alcohol - silence.  I remember during my first couple of years in sobriety when silence was torture for me.  It was like nails on a chalkboard, screeching, maddening.  I now know it wasn't the silence itself that that was so painful.  Rather, it was my thoughts and emotions surfacing into my consciousness, things I used to run from with alcohol.

In sobriety, I found that silence eliminated external distractions - from the television to the kids' loud mouths.  These distraction, although not as affective as alcohol once was, kept me unaware of what was going on inside of me (i.e., my thoughts and feelings.)

Eventually, I became comfortable with silence thanks to my Higher Power and a 12-step program.


Stillness

Once I was able to tolerate silence, I had yet another battle to fight - stillness.  I couldn't sit still for more than a minute at a time, literally.  I was a ball of nervous energy feeling like I would explode if I was not up doing something, anything, from cleaning to exercising to yard work to cooking. 

I remember coming home from work (from a job where I was on my feet walking for eight hours straight) and frantically chopping fresh vegetables every night.  Carrots were my favorite.  The resistance of the knife's blade against the hardness of the carrot and the pressure needed to chop it felt so good in my hand.  With each chop and snapping sound an ounce of stress escaped from me.  I would chop and chop and chop.  Before recovery, I would drink and drink and drink.  I was making progress.

Eventually, I became comfortable with stillness thanks to a Higher Power and a 12-step program.


Serenity

Today, I do not need noise in my environment to distract me nor constant physical activity on which to focus my attention.  Today, I can sit still in silence and experience serenity, a calm beautiful state of consciousness that is better than any high or drunk I have ever had.

Innately, I think we all know that internal chaos and serenity cannot co-exist inside of us.  I used alcohol and the distractions of noise and busyness in an attempt to expel my internal chaos.  Those solutions failed over and over again until I became hopeless. 

It was at this point that I became willing to try something different - sobriety and later down the road, silence and stillness.  All three of which I had no clue how to obtain.  That is until I worked the 12-steps.

Those of you who know what I am talking about - YEA!  Those of you who don't, have hope.  You too, can be rid of the internal chaos - painful thoughts and feelings - that cause you to use alcohol, drugs, food, sex, external noise, busyness, etc.  

If you are like I was at the end of my drinking career, using the aforementioned tactics over and over again (despite their repeated failure) to expel your inner chaos and pain, then you most likely feel hopeless. 

It was also at this point that I realized I no longer had the power to choose to drink or not drink.  My internal chaos, my addiction, my disease, chose for me.  I had to try something different or else I was going to die.  


Be still and know that I am God.

By working the 12-steps, my internal chaos was expelled from me eventually, not instantly.  Consequently, I was able to be silent and be still.  Once silent and still, I experienced a peace and calm like no other.  Did you catch the sequence of that? 

1. Work the steps to expel internal chaos
2. so that you can be silent and still
3. and then you will know God.

For a great article on the scripture verse, "Be still and know that I am God," click here.


"Simple but not easy"

...as they say in recovery because here is the kicker - I can't just do my sobriety + silence + stillness = serenity formula once and be done.  Why?  Because life continues to deal out its bad hands (to everyone, not just to me) which means I experience emotional and mental pain (internal chaos) again and again throughout my life.

However, unlike before when alcohol, noise, and busyness were my only solutions, I now have one that actually works and hasn't failed me yet, thanks to a Higher Power and a 12-step program.

This solution may work for you, too.  What do you have to lose in trying except that which is causing you to drink or use to begin with???

Would love to hear your thoughts on this...

Could, Would, and Love

For the last week my days have been “normal” - whatever that means, right?  For me, normal means that I have been free of any mental, emotional, and physical pain.  How glorious!  Praise God!

The wind is at my back right now and I am so grateful.  I have filled my days with writing, spending time with family, and taking care of day-to-day responsibilities for myself and others with much gratitude and enthusiasm.

I started a new medication about two weeks ago that seems to be making a huge difference for me.  It is as if a switch has been flipped in my brain and my biorhythms are working properly again.  My appetite is normal.  I am tired at a normal time of night again (at 10 or 11pm instead of 2am.)  I fall asleep each night without a prescription sleep aid, which I have not done in over three years!  I wake in the morning feeling rested and I am fully awake within minutes of getting out of bed instead of hours.  My Higher Power has truly relieved me of serious maladies over which I am powerless.

I am powerless over alcohol and my mental, emotional, and physical illnesses.  He removed from me the obsession to drink over six years ago.  However, being sober did not solve the rest of my problems, namely ME.

I always believed that God could take away my other maladies as He did the alcohol obsession but I had doubts that He would because I did not believe that He loved me enough to do so…therein laid my agnosticism.

I was forced to examine Step 2 very closely this past month, to dig deeper than ever before into what I actually believe.  I thought that believing He could was enough.  I was wrong.

The Big Book says, “God is everything or He is nothing.”  I was picking and choosing what my God was and was not; what He would and would not do for me.  Therefore, He was not “everything” which sadly for me (although I did not realize it at the time) meant He was “nothing.”

The pain I experienced a few weeks ago made me admit to myself that I am not a bad person, that I do not deserve to suffer in such a way and that He does not want me to suffer either.  Unfortunately, for an alcoholic like me, the only way I admit to something like this is to be in more pain than I can endure.  (Just like the pain I had to go through before I admitted my powerlessness over alcohol as in Step 1.)

Furthermore, He revealed to me through this experience that I had to surrender to my self-hate (apparently a bigger character defect I had than I realized) and be willing to love myself enough to allow Him to remove the pain from me, for which I humbly begged Him during those weeks. (Steps 6 and 7)

Coming to believe that God would restore me to sanity as opposed to that He could made all the difference.  Step 3 was then very easy to work as God instantly became everything rather than nothing.

Thank you, God!  Thank you, 12 Steps!  Thank you, everyone!

p.s.  I do not think it a coincidence that several months ago I started praying specifically for God to show me how to love others more deeply.  I believe I first had to come to love myself because I “can’t give away that which I do not have” as they say.

Moreover, I know that I now “can’t keep it unless I give it away,” which is fine by me.  I want nothing more than to be able to give it away….to love more deeply.  It is what I asked for…it is His will.

He does listen…He does care…He loves us so much.

I Believe in Miracles!

I have felt physically and mentally well for the past two days - Praise God! Have you ever had a sore throat or a stomachache and in the midst of it you forgot what it felt like not to have one? This is how I felt during my migraine episodes, which increased my gratitude for feeling well these past two days ten-fold.



I went for a walk and enjoyed the higher than normal temperatures today. I did yoga for the first time in months today, which felt wonderful. My muscles, especially in my neck and shoulders, were so tight from tensing up in pain for so long last week.


I felt so good after stretching and meditating that when the song below came on the radio I could not stop myself from dancing. I imagine I looked rather silly based on the expression on my dog’s face but luckily, no one else was home to witness my silliness.


I also did laundry, cooked dinner for my family, and spent quality time with my kids today. Oh yeah, and one more thing…by the grace of God and working a 12 Step program, I stayed sober today as well, which made all of the other things I did possible.


Stay sober…


Believe in miracles…you sexy thing!

Thankfulness for Prayers and Footwork

I am so grateful to read the comments from fellow migraine sufferers.  Thank you.  Your words make me feel less alone.  The good news is my doctor has discontinued the medicine that didn't allow me to take any Alleve, which is the only thing I have found to work on my migraines.  My blood pressure has been high, but we (meaning my doctors and me) are not sure if this is due to the pain of the migraines or if the high blood pressure has been causing the migraines.  In other words, which comes first...  So, now that the migraines are back under control I get to start monitoring my blood pressure for the next few weeks to see if it runs high on a regular basis (even when I am feeling well.)  More footwork...

One of the greatest things the 12 Step program teaches me is that I am not going to get what I need without doing a little footwork first.  I spoke with two different women this week (both in the program) in the midst of my excruciating pain and cried,

"What am I supposed to do?  I keep praying and praying to God to help me accept this or to take it away, whatever His will may be." 

They both responded by reminding me that I have to take action (in addition to prayer) in order for God's will to be carried out.  The action I needed to take was to call my doctors immediately and tell them what I was going through and insist that something be done rather than suffer until my next scheduled appointment. 

I am learning little by little to take care of myself in ways I never had to before all of these physical and mental ailments developed.  I am starting to love myself enough to say,

"Hey!  It is not ok for me to be this sick.  I want to get better.  I want to be well.  I want to be - dare I say it - happy!" 

My whole life I have been so critical of myself that deep down I thought I didn't deserve to be happy.  I thought I was such a horrible person that I probably should suffer.  I was damaged goods...the child of two alcoholics, an alcoholic myself with mental disorders, a failure as a mom and wife, friend, and daughter.

In reality, I am not any of those things.  I am just one of God's kids, who was raised by a couple of God's other kids who made mistakes.  I am just one of God's kids, who is raising a couple more of His kids, and making mistakes of my own (although, thanks to the program, I am making fewer mistakes than my parents did, which is progress...I will not reach perfection in this life.)

Making mistakes doesn't mean I am a failure but rather a human being.  Being human doesn't mean I am a bad person but rather a flawed person.  Unfortunately, being flawed means I will experience physical, mental, emotional and spiritual pain and maladies.  Only when my soul is freed from the physical confinements of my body and mind via death of said body and mind at God's discretion, will I be totally free of the pain and suffering of this world.

In the meantime, I plan to continue to work the 12 Steps of the program because I have found this to be the only path to experiencing little pieces of peace and freedom for which my soul so greatly longs.  There are countless paths out there but for many alcoholics like me, the 12 Step path is the only one that works (if we work it!)

Today I am working it by:

• getting on my knees and praying the 3rd and 7th Step prayers and the Serenity Prayer
• sharing the message through this blog post
• sharing the message at my homegroup meeting tonight
• serving as my group's treasurer tonight
• meditating to improve my conscious contact with God as I understand Him
• being as honest, open minded, and willing as I can be
• talking with my sponsor and with women I sponsor
• and staying sober for one more day

Fear of Pain - Hope that this is not His Will

photo credit

I wanted to write a quick post while I can.  This morning is the first time in the last three days I have been migraine-free.  I cannot put into words the pure hell and torture I have endured this week.  I have never experienced physical pain of this intensity except for during labor contractions, which only lasted a few minutes at a time.  The pain from these migraines lasted continuously for eight to twelve hours at a time. 

I am so afraid of it coming back.  All I can do is the footwork: pray, call my doctors and follow their advice and take care of myself by eating well, getting proper rest, and try to eliminate as much stress as possible from my life. 

I am so grateful for having friends and family, who are willing to help me, doctors who care about me, and a Higher Power, who loves me.  His will be done, not mine...  (surely, it is not His will for me to be in so much pain...but what do I know?)

More Hope and More Gratitude

After a severe migraine accompanied by a moderately severe mixed manic/depressive episode last night where hope was sustained only by repeating the words:

I believe.  I trust.

over and over again, I awoke this morning feeling refreshed and more like myself than I have in weeks. 

Today I am grateful for:

• watching a movie with my family last night
• playing a board game with my daughter this morning
• spending time outdoors with my family this afternoon
• not being on the computer all day until now
• not needing a nap today
• not having a headache today

and finally, I am so grateful for:

•  the fact that no matter what is going on around me or inside of me, if I truly believe and truly trust Him in a state of humble surrender, He will comfort me.

Peace, Pain, and Prayer

This past week I experienced very isolated moments of peace of mind in which physical and mental pains were both absent.  These times included the relaxed moments just before I fell asleep and the times I spent at a meeting or sharing with someone one on one about the grace and love of God.  The rest of the time I have been spiraling in mixed manic episodes of bipolar disorder.


I have lost the ability to care for my children.  Making dinner, giving baths, helping with homework, and even being in the same room with them is normally inconsistent, however, for the last two days it has been impossible.


The same is true with my own self care.  I must force myself to eat, sleep, and shower.  The last few nights my limbs shook uncontrollably.  My daughter asked me if I was shaking as I brought a spoon to my mouth, spilling milk and cereal back into the bowl.  “Yes,” I said, “I guess I am cold.”  “I’ll go get your robe,” she said.  What she didn’t realize was that the robe would not help because the coldness was coming from with inside of me.


For a days in a row, I surrendered to the Lord, my Higher Power...on my knees, I cursed and screamed and cried, then begged and pleaded for him to help me.  My tears fell on the pages of His Book.  His Word tells me this:

  If anyone comes to me without hating his father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple.  Whoever does not carry his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple. (Luke 14, 26-27)

This is what I heard:
God first.
Family second.
Be ready to accept persecution and suffering.


Again, turning to my Higher Power, I searched for peace in His Word and he tells me this:

Consider it all joy, my brothers, when you encounter various trials, for you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  And let perseverance be perfect, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.  (James 1, 2-4)

I will persevere.  I am persevering.  Over the last six years I have been persevering, admitting my powerlessness, believing in a power greater than myself who can restore me to sanity, turning my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand him (Steps 1,2, and 3).  Trusting God, cleaning house (Steps 4-10), improving my conscious contact with him through prayer and meditation (Step 11), and helping others (Step 12.)


By "accident" I came across a prayer I wrote eight months ago.  It reads:

     Would you, O Lord, ever completely abandon me? Would you not ever grant my request to live in your loving peace? To beg you for serenity, sanity and soundness of mind is what I do today! This peace that eludes me is ever more maddening!
     Please, Lord, do not leave me in the hands of the demons.  Expel them from my mind.  Drive them to the depths of hell in the name of your son, Jesus Christ, that they may no longer have control of my thoughts, my emotions, my mind.  That you may control my thoughts, my emotions, my mind is my greatest desire.  That the pain and misery of this world may not entangle my soul and suck the joy and fun and happiness from my life.
    I know that you want me to have joy and happiness in my life.  I have that desire, too.  Please tell me that it is possible. Please tell me that there is a way to experience this on this Earth.  Please connect my mind to the path that will lead me to joy and happiness so that I may not cause further misery, worry, pain and suffering to my beloved family.
     Oh, Lord, I beg of you, grant my request as you see fit.  Save me from my diseased mind.  Thy will be done not mine, in Jesus' name.  Amen.

And here we go once again...

My doctor cannot seem to find the medicine that will kill the monster inside my head for more than several months at a time.  I started yet another new medication tonight...

and as I continued to persevere, His Word reveals this to me:

But if any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God who gives to all generously and ungrudgingly, and he will be given it. But he should ask in faith, not doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed about by the wind. (James 1, 5-6)

Thus, tonight, I asked Him in faith, without doubts, for wisdom so that I may continue to persevere and not become hopeless and He tells me this:

Hold the physician in honor, for he is essential to you, and God it was who established his profession.
From God the doctor has his wisdom, and the king provides for his sustenance.
His knowledge makes the doctor distinguished, and gives him access to those in authority.
God makes the earth yield healing herbs which the prudent man should not neglect;
Was not the water sweetened by a twig that men might learn his power?
He endows men with the knowledge to glory in his mighty works,
Through which the doctor eases pain and the druggist prepares his medicines;
Thus God's creative work continues without cease in its efficacy on the surface of the earth.

My son, when you are ill, delay not, but pray to God, who will heal you:
Flee wickedness; let your hands be just, cleanse your heart of every sin;
Offer your sweet-smelling oblation and petition, a rich offering according to your means.
Then give the doctor his place lest he leave; for you need him too.
There are times that give him an advantage, and he too beseeches God
That his diagnosis may be correct and his treatment bring about a cure.
He who is a sinner toward his Maker will be defiant toward the doctor. 
(Sirach 38, 1-15)

I am ill and I am powerless (Step 1) and I believe He can restore me to sanity (Step 2.)  This week, I prayed, I listened, and I meditated (Step 11).  I continue to turn my will and my life over to Him (Step 3.)  If not for working Step 3 daily, I would not be alive writing this right now because I have alcoholism and mental illnesses that all want me dead. 


Today my side of the street is clean and I shared with my sponsor about where I am at right now (Steps 4 and 5.)  Everyday this week (and many, many other times) I have been willing and I have humbly offered my petition to God to remove my shortcomings and character defects as he sees fit (Steps 6 and 7.)  


Today, I once again have "given the doctor his place" and I pray, once again, that "his treatment brings about a cure."


I humbly ask that you pray for me, too.  Thank you, dear friends.

Screams, Surrenders, and Serenity

Something really cool happened to me this week.  I yelled and screamed and cried and dare I say cursed at God.  (doesn't sound very cool, but stay with me.) I took all of my anger about that which I am powerless over and brought it to the alter of the Lord with emotions raw and inhibitions gone.  I then dropped to my knees, my entire ugly human condition fully exposed, and begged God for mercy and grace and loving help.  I completely surrendered myself to Him in that moment.  You know what happened next?  He smiled joyfully at me and gave me a big spiritual HUG!

This is a big step for me, who, just a few weeks ago, took my anger about that which I am powerless over out on my husband by yelling, screaming, crying, and cursing at him.  Hubby can't handle that plus he's not my Higher Power.  I deeply hurt him and with God's grace I pray that I will never hurt him like that again.

God, on the other hand can handle me - He is the one I need to go to for Power and I believe that in going to Him with my ugliness first this week rather than to my husband, I was then able to later calmly express to my husband how overwhelmed I have felt this week and ask for his help with responsibilities around the house. 

Guilt, shame, and self-loathing keep me from being completely honest with others, especially God.  I am so appreciative of all His gifts (meaning everything good in my life) that I feel guilty to complain to Him about anything; I feel ashamed to express dissatisfaction about things in my life to Him; and I feel unworthy of what He has already given to me, so who am I to display anything but praise, glory, and gratitude to Him?  (Can you get an idea of how being abused for expressing negative feelings as a child growing up in a home with two alcoholic parents is still playing a role in my own disease?)

In recovery, I am learning to accept the fact that I am human, with negative human emotions, and human imperfections.  I can no longer hide my ugliness under the rug from God.  He knows about it anyway.  But, I can no longer pretend that I am not angry, anxious, and fearful about things in my life at times just because I am ashamed to admit that I do not fully trust Him 100% of the time.  100% of the time?  Why that is perfection!  And perfection is humanly impossible and I am sick and tired of beating myself up for not being something that is impossible to be - perfect.

I refuse to feign complete trust in Him to relieve my sufferings.  I ask Him for this relief, but always follow my request with "thy will, not mine be done."  My will would be to not be an alcoholic, have mental illnesses, and instead be joyful and serene 100% of the time. 

I do believe He has the power to relieve my sufferings but I am not so arrogant to believe that He will do it just because I ask Him for it.  I believe He does what is best for ALL involved, not just me.  The spiritual side of me is humbled and grateful for the opportunity to be used by Him, even for Him to use my suffering as a part in His divine plan.  The human, selfish side of me says, "This sucks, God, can't you do it some other way?"

So, basically, this week I told God that, "this sucks," but I will do my best to do my part, His will, anyway, because I have complete FAITH that He knows what is best.  He is THE director.  I am here to serve Him via the power and knowledge he chooses to gift to me at any given moment.  What a ride!

I am comforted by the fact that I am a work in progress.  I am reassured by many close to me and by my sense of the spirit during prayer and meditation that I am going in the right direction.  For me, that is an OK place to be.

"We may never get where we want to be, but we can always be grateful that we're not where we were." --Anonymous Recovered Alcoholic

Thanks for reading.  Loving you right where you are, too...

Fighting Friggin' Fatigue

Varying degrees of anger, all along the continuum from being minorly irritated to outright enraged, has been attacking my serenity for the last two weeks like guerrilla warfare - taking me by surprise, but quickly retreating seconds after it hits me. 

I am angry about the powerlessness I have over my fluctuating energy levels and moods swings.  As far as I know, I am doing everything I know of to take care of myself except one thing:  Get a regular sleep schedule established.  The biggest obstacle for me is that I don't want to go to bed at a decent hour.

And really that is what it comes down to - like a bratty, little kid - "I DON'T WANT TO!"  Now for those of you who care to know why I'll tell you what I think, but I could be BS-ing myself and just haven't come to realize it yet.  I have learned from experience that I do this to myself often.  But, for now, this is "my story and I am sticking to it" until God reveals more to me, which I know He will.

I don't want to go to bed and get the amount of sleep my body really needs because I enjoy the quietness at night - after everyone else has gone to bed - too much.  During this time, my mind is most creative and reflective.  During the day my body is so busy taking care of day-to-day routines, I know my mind is on auto-pilot.  It is only when there is no child needing their mommy and no husband needing his wife, that I can most comfortably and completely relax and feel peace.  And I love it so much that I just can't bring myself to end it by going to sleep. 

Messed up, huh?

(big sigh)

That's me.  But that's OK.

Today, I am grateful:

• that I don't have to be perfect
• that God loves me no matter what
• that I have a bed to sleep in and a roof over my head
• that I have children and a husband who love me and I them
• for the daily routines that I "get" to do (as opposed to "have" to do)
• for God's grace, which is the only thing removing that anger I mentioned above so quickly - with no effort on my part except to trust God, clean house (not literally, BTW, but spiritually), and help others one day at a time
• that this program IS working in my life, little by little, in God's perfect timing

Love you all.

Alcoholism, Pain, Autumn Meetings

I have been avoiding writing this week not because I don’t want to but rather because I don’t know where to begin. I have so many things on my mind, going through my mind, and consuming my mind that the act of coherently writing about them is a daunting task.

The biggest problem is that I haven’t talked to my sponsor in almost two weeks but not from lack of trying. She missed the meeting we both attend each week and I get her voicemail every time I call her. I am hoping to hear from her soon.

I am going through yet another medication change this week, which always comes with negative side effects such as sleep disturbances, emotional imbalance, and migraines to name a few. I had migraines everyday this week from Saturday through Wednesday along with the nausea and light sensitivity that often accompanies them.

I spent hours upon hours in bed this week with only intermittent breaks from the headache pain. Wednesday the pain actually brought me to tears, which brought me to my knees begging God for relief. And even though I only got about three hours of sleep Wednesday night, relief came Thursday and has continued through today. I am so grateful. Thank you, God!

Thursday the weather was gorgeous here. I took a walk just to feel the warmth of the sun on my skin. I invited God to go with me - I am sure he did. I usually do not go on a walk with out taking my dog along but this time I didn’t want the distraction of looking after him, so I left him at home. I think he forgave me :-)

I took my camera along instead and captured some of Autumn’s beauty.

Today I went to a day meeting, which is rare for me. The meetings I regularly attend are held in the evenings, however, since I am no longer working I have decided to go to more day time ones for several reasons. One, it gets me out of the house during the day now that the kids are back in school. Two, I can be home more at night to fulfill my responsibilities to them (dinner, homework help, baths, bedtime routines, etc.) without feeling as stressed out by trying to squeeze in a meeting as well. Three, since going to a few day meetings, I am finding that there is a whole other group of recovered alcoholics in my community that I get to learn from and become friends with.

I have gotten to know so many wonderful people in the programs over the past six years that I have started to take for granted how much I have in common with them. I remember when I first came into the program how awestruck I was as I listened to people share in meetings about thoughts, fears, feelings, and experiences that I had, too. I remember how amazed I was to find out that I wasn’t unique or some freak of nature.

But over the last six years, after going to the same meetings with the same people over and over again, hearing the same stories, the same opinions, the same old thing from the same people over and over again, I have gotten to the point of: “Yes, I can identify; yes, I do that and it doesn’t work for me either; yes, I do that and it helps me, too” etc, etc…it has become way too predictable. I think some would call this complacency. Not a good place for this alcoholic to be.

Even though the solutions and the stories and the experiences I hear during these day meeting are the same as the ones I hear in my regular evening meetings, to hear them from a whole new group of strangers is so exciting to me. I am finding people who not only have alcoholism, but who also have clinical mental illnesses. I feel like I did when I was new - awestruck and amazed to find out I am still not unique nor some freak of nature.

God is good. He is working in my life. Sometimes I see it, feel it, know it. Sometimes I don’t but not because he isn’t here but rather because I am not here (i.e., mentally in the moment.)

Today, I am here and for that I am so grateful! Tomorrow, who knows? I’m not there yet.

Love you all. Thanks for reading and I hope you have a blessed weekend.

Depression, Anxiety, Alcoholism, Addiction, Solutions

We spent the weekend out of town visiting friends. I love my friends and I love their kiddos. Even though, we always have a blast, what I don’t love is the extremely high levels of stimuli in a house full twenty people for 36 hours. Maybe someday I won’t feel so anxious and overwhelmed by the noise and hustle and bustle of these get-togethers.

I didn’t use to feel this way before we all started have kids ten years ago. I didn’t used to when I was still drinking 7 years ago. I didn’t use to 3 years ago when my anxiety and major depression disorders where under control. But, now and for the last two and a half years, despite working my 12 step programs and continuing to work with my doctor on medication options, I still experience symptoms of the aforementioned mental illnesses daily.


My doctor told my husband and me this week that 53% of patients on antidepressants continue to experience symptoms of anxiety and depressive disorders even while on medication, although the medication does make the symptoms less intense. The other 47% are completely relieved of their symptoms once on medication. She also said that it is common in women for the mental illness to get worse as we get older due to hormonal changes after childbirth and during pre-menopause and menopause.

As I wrestle with the effects of “chronic, recurrent depression” (as my doctor put it) --and I mean the biological, chemical imbalance of neurotransmitters in the brain type mental illness-- and alcoholism, which 12 step program literature describes as a spiritual illness or a sickness of the soul, I often feel like they tag team me. The most frustrating aspect of having both mental illness and alcoholism is when my symptoms worsen, I wonder if it is because I am slacking off in some part of my spiritual program or is it because I need to talk to my doctor about the possibility of medication burn out (it has been proven in research that psychiatric medicines will loose their effectiveness in many patients after they are on them for some time.)

I spoke with my sponsor about this issue and she, who has both depression (although completely controlled with medication) and alcoholism (recovered via a 12 Step program for 27 years now), said that for her, when behaviors and/or symptoms continually occur over and over again or repeatedly for many days or weeks in a row, especially when they are unrelated to any identifiable triggers or stressors that are out of the ordinary, she calls her doctor about it.

On the flip side, when symptoms pop up during specific instances and then shortly pass as a result of working the steps, she attributes these to her character defects versus symptoms that require medical attention. This has been my experience when dealing with character defects as well.

My experience has also shown me that my symptoms of mental illness, on the other hand, do not pass without medical intervention and most importantly, not only do they not pass, but THEY GET WORSE and keep getting worse to the point that I have thoughts of harming myself.

My life is good. I have a supportive, loving husband, two healthy, loving kids, an extended family that would do anything for us, and a host of friends both in and out of the programs who would also do anything for us. My relationship with God is the best it has ever been since I started drinking, quit drinking, and now don’t drink at all. I am well-taken care of by caring, competent doctors. I do service work both in and out of the program. I work the 12 steps daily. I have no resentments at the moment nor do I usually and most days I am not fearful of anything or anyone.

So, why do I still get overwhelmed/over stimulated and fatigued when I am around a lot of people for any length of time, or when I am out of my daily routine, or when I am gone from the house for too long, or don’t have hours of time to spend in complete silence everyday? For me, I think it’s a chemical-brain thing.  But, honestly, I don't know anything for sure.  And…

It’s ok. I’m ok with it. I accept this. I accept me. I love me just how I am because I know that God loves me just as I am and I believe his will for me is to love myself just as I am and to also love others just as they are. What a wonderful gift! To be loved and to be able to love - just as we are...just like God does.

And if you have depression, anxiety and/or bipolar disorders like me, you’re ok, too. I know it hurts. I know it’s painful. I know that sometimes you feel like you cannot bear it one more day.

When I am in the depths of these emotional abysses, I have to force myself to call someone, my sponsor, a trusted friend, a spiritual advisor, my husband…and always my doctor if I start to have thoughts of suicide.

I have to force myself to ask God what is it he would like for me to learn about myself?

I have to force myself to thank God for the pain, knowing that someday, as he already has many times in the past year, he will send others my way who will need someone’s help…someone who has experienced and lived through the type of pain they are in…someone like me.

For me, while mental illness and alcoholism may manifest themselves in similar ways, they have different causes if the mental illness is biologically based (meaning the brain is lacking in certain chemicals that regulate moods.) I am and always will be first and foremost an alcoholic. I work a 12 step program to treat my alcoholism. I also have mood disorders caused by chemical imbalances in my brain for which I take medication prescribed by my doctor . I thank God for both solutions. I need both solutions.

Finally, I must humbly admit that I don’t know anything. I believe that all I am really called to do is to share my experience, strength, and hope with those out there who still suffer. And really - don’t we all suffer at some time or another?

So keep sharing. No story is right or wrong. Every story is important because God uses our stories to bring others to him, whether we know if we do or not.

The paths to Him are many. Keep an open mind, be willing, and be honest and you will find the path that works for you. I promise you will, if you just don’t give up!

And whether I know you or not…I love you all…

Compassion, Abuse, Love, Anger, and Gratitude - all in a sober day's work...

Life is going...juggling the girls' school work and extracurricular activity schedules keeps us busy most days.  Time alone is greatly enjoyed while they are off growing their brains.  My littlest one is in Kindergarten and today she was kicked by a boy who was angry about something unrelated to her.  She just happened to be sitting next to him during circle time and caught the brunt of his physical outburst.  At least once a week, she tells us about how he gets mad and kick books and desks, and requires disciplinary action quite often.  Thankfully, the school called me after my daughter got home to make sure that I knew what had happened in case she mentioned it, which she already had.

When my oldest was in first grade a few years ago, she was instructed by the teacher to hand out papers to the students who were sitting quietly at their desk first and then to the rest.  The boy who always got into trouble in her class was being rambunctious as usual that day and therefore, got his paper last.  Angrily he looked at my daughter and said, "I am going to kill you."  The really scary part is we live in one of the best school districts in the state; in a middle to upper class community and my girls attend one of the most sought out schools where teachers want to work. 

The school administrators and teachers are extremely responsive and supportive to the needs of children as well as the parents.  I am very grateful.  But, I am also saddened that kids so young are so verbally and physically abusive.  I wonder what happens to them at home.  What are they being allowed to watch on television?  Or worse, what is being done to them for them to act in such violent ways at such a young age?  And what was done to their parents for them to be teaching or modeling such behavior for their children? 

While I have empathy for these young boys and their obvious emotional troubles, the buck stops with the adults who are responsible for them.  I know they are probably doing the best with what they have as my parents did in the midst of their alcoholism but as an adult child of alcoholics I can choose a solution other than the one my parents chose during my childhood.  I can break the cycle of active alcoholism in my family, for the sake of my marriage and my children (and myself.)  However, I cannot do it alone. 

Through the power of God, which I can best access by working the 12 steps with others and continuing to share my experience, strength and hope as well as listen and learn from the experience, strength and hope of others, I can break the chains of alcoholism that bind, not only the alcoholic but the entire family, in prison cells of despair, loneliness, anger, and fear. 

Thanks to the grace of God I didn't drink today and was therefore, able to be a comforting and loving and fully present mother to my beautiful baby girl when she really needed her mommy's protective and unending devotion the most.  How precious and priceless the gifts of sobriety are!  My heart is overflowing with gratitude and humility for God and for his love for me, for my family, for all of us.

"Not my will but thine be done"

"Tomorrow morning," the surgeon began, "I'll open up your heart..."


"You'll find Jesus there," the boy interrupted..


The surgeon looked up, annoyed. "I'll cut your heart open," he continued, "to see how much damage has been done..."


"But when you open up my heart, you'll find Jesus in there," said the boy.


The surgeon looked to the parents, who sat quietly. "When I see how much damage has been done, I'll sew your heart and chest back up, and I'll plan what to do next."


"But you'll find Jesus in my heart. The Bible says He lives there. The hymns all say He lives there. You'll find Him in my heart."
 
The surgeon had had enough. "I'll tell you what I'll find in your heart.  I'll find damaged muscle, low blood supply, and weakened vessels.  And I'll find out if I can make you well."


"You'll find Jesus there, too. He lives there."


The surgeon left.




The surgeon sat in his office, recording his notes from the surgery, "....damaged aorta, damaged pulmonary vein, widespread muscle degeneration.  No hope for transplant, no hope for cure. Therapy:  painkillers and bed rest.  Prognosis:"  here he paused, "death within one year."


He stopped the recorder, but there was more to be said. "Why?" he asked aloud.  "Why did You do this?  You've put him here; You've put him in this pain; and You've cursed him to an early death. Why?"


The Lord answered and said, "The boy, my lamb, was not meant for your flock for long, for he is a part of My flock, and will forever be.  Here, in My flock, he will feel no pain and will be comforted as you cannot imagine.  His parents will one day join him here and they will know peace, and My flock will continue to grow.."


The surgeon's tears were hot, but his anger was hotter. "You created that boy and You created that heart.  He'll be dead in months. Why?"


The Lord answered, "The boy, My lamb, shall return to My flock, for He has done his duty.  I did not put My lamb with your flock to lose him, but to retrieve another lost lamb."


The surgeon, the lost lamb, wept...


The surgeon sat beside the boy's bed.  The boy's parents sat across from him. The boy awoke and whispered, "Did you cut open my heart?"


"Yes," said the surgeon.


"What did you find?" asked the boy.

"I found Jesus there," said the surgeon.


Author
Unknown - Celebrate Jesus in 2010