Alcoholism and Mental Illness: A Double Edged Sword

“To be a good and genuine follower of Christ, there is no need of great things—it is enough to have the common, simple and human virtues, but they need to be true and authentic” ~ Pope John Paul II

The last two months have been up and down but constantly busy. I hit a depressive bottom a few weeks ago that had been building up for about a month.


I have noticed a pattern of late…every few months I suffer from a depressive episode followed by a month of euphoria and lastly, a slow decline into the next depressive state. Up and down, up and down. Such is the life of living with bipolar disease or alcoholism or both.


I discussed the challenges of having both mental illness and alcoholism with a couple of ladies in the program, who have both, and in our experience it is a pain in the butt!


There are some who will say that the two illnesses are one in the same; that as one’s spiritual condition improves the mental twists of these diseases will subside. In my experience, this is true for alcoholism but not always for bipolar depression.

I had a sponsor who did not suffer from depression in sobriety and therefore, couldn’t understand the mental and physical anguish I was experiencing at the time. She implored me to “get out of myself” and do more service work, to work harder on the steps, especially one through three, to get out of my self-pity, make gratitude lists, and go to more meetings.


I did these things and I continued to deteriorate until I tried to take my own life – after years of sobriety. Why? Because I became hopeless. I became hopeless because I was doing all of the things that make a “normal” alcoholic’s spiritual life blossom into a beautiful garden of serenity. Because I was doing what she was doing and it wasn’t having the same effect on me as it was her.


When I came to the rooms of this 12 step program I had lost all hope, I had hit bottom, I was out of answers. I found hope again by working the 12 steps of the program. I was amazed, grateful, humbled, and relieved. I finally found a way to connect with my God and I finally felt peace. I finally felt like I had a purpose in life – like I belonged here. I finally felt that sense of ease and comfort as I placed myself in the hands of my Creator by doing what was suggested to me; by doing what worked so well for others.

So, three years later when these solutions kept working for those around me and they no longer worked for me, I lost all hope once again. I hit another bottom. Alcohol definitely stopped working for me but how could a spiritual program of love and service stop working? I was devastated, in disbelief, terrified, and more hopeless than I had ever been while still drinking. (Even writing about it now literally takes my breath away.)


Now, almost four more years later, I continue to hit emotional bottoms every few months. I continue to ride the roller coaster of mental illness, which has many of the same strange and peculiar mental twists as alcoholism but in my experience, is not as easily managed by spiritual improvement alone.


The book tells me that alcoholism is a mental obsession and a physical allergy. The 12 steps removed my mental obsession for alcohol, which in turn, significantly reduces the chances of me drinking and activating the physical allergy.


Mental illness is not a mental obsession perse nor is it a physical allergy of some sort. It is a medical disease based mostly on the imbalance of certain chemicals in the brain. For many who have both mental illness and alcoholism, medication, the 12 steps, counseling at times, and a number of other interventions are needed. For many of those who are strictly alcoholic, the 12 steps are enough to recover.


Mental illness is real. Alcoholism is real. They both hurt. They both kill. They both affect all aspects of one’s being, physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. However, not everyone who has mental illness is alcoholic and not everyone who is a sober alcoholic has mental illness (in the brain chemical imbalance sense.)


Therefore, when I am having trouble coping with life and someone’s tells me to work the steps harder, get out of myself, stop feeling sorry for myself, make gratitude lists, help others, go to more meetings and I do take these actions yet continue to get worse, I know that I need to call a professional in for help.


If I do what is suggested to me and my condition improves then yay! for the steps and this wonderful program for alcoholics (I repeat, “this program for alcoholics” not this program for alcoholics with bipolar depression.)


Now, I can hear some of those in my meetings saying, “You’re not unique. Don’t single yourself out. You’re not different.” These statements are true in and of themselves, however, I think many people use them out of context. After all, don’t we say that we can’t drink like normal people? Aren’t our bodies and minds different than that of the average social drinker? And for goodness sakes, our own Grapevine is singling out alcoholics who are also gay, in their current issue. Why then, can’t my body and mind be different than the average or normal alcoholic?


In summary, I want to reiterate for myself a few things that I have learned over the past couple of years:

1. don’t lumped people into a big category pot with cookie cutter solutions
2. don’t assume that I know best about what someone needs to do just because it worked that way for me
3. don’t forget that we are all individuals with particular needs that only a Higher Power knows how to fulfill and sometimes He does so through the minds and actions of those outside of the program (i.e., medical professionals, clergy, spouse, non-alcoholic friend or family member)
4. don’t assume that every solution lays at the end of improving my spiritual condition but that it may be possible for the improved spiritual condition to be but the beginning of a road that leads me to the tangible solutions my Higher Power wants to bring me to (i.e., medication, counseling, major life-style changes, etc.)
5. be humble and try to remember that I don’t know anything as far as what is best for me, you, or the man on the moon
6. ask for help
7. easy does it
8. don’t quit before the miracle happens (or after it happens because for me, the need for and the appearance of subsequent miracles continues on and on, up and down, etc., etc.)

Thankfulness for Prayers and Footwork

I am so grateful to read the comments from fellow migraine sufferers.  Thank you.  Your words make me feel less alone.  The good news is my doctor has discontinued the medicine that didn't allow me to take any Alleve, which is the only thing I have found to work on my migraines.  My blood pressure has been high, but we (meaning my doctors and me) are not sure if this is due to the pain of the migraines or if the high blood pressure has been causing the migraines.  In other words, which comes first...  So, now that the migraines are back under control I get to start monitoring my blood pressure for the next few weeks to see if it runs high on a regular basis (even when I am feeling well.)  More footwork...

One of the greatest things the 12 Step program teaches me is that I am not going to get what I need without doing a little footwork first.  I spoke with two different women this week (both in the program) in the midst of my excruciating pain and cried,

"What am I supposed to do?  I keep praying and praying to God to help me accept this or to take it away, whatever His will may be." 

They both responded by reminding me that I have to take action (in addition to prayer) in order for God's will to be carried out.  The action I needed to take was to call my doctors immediately and tell them what I was going through and insist that something be done rather than suffer until my next scheduled appointment. 

I am learning little by little to take care of myself in ways I never had to before all of these physical and mental ailments developed.  I am starting to love myself enough to say,

"Hey!  It is not ok for me to be this sick.  I want to get better.  I want to be well.  I want to be - dare I say it - happy!" 

My whole life I have been so critical of myself that deep down I thought I didn't deserve to be happy.  I thought I was such a horrible person that I probably should suffer.  I was damaged goods...the child of two alcoholics, an alcoholic myself with mental disorders, a failure as a mom and wife, friend, and daughter.

In reality, I am not any of those things.  I am just one of God's kids, who was raised by a couple of God's other kids who made mistakes.  I am just one of God's kids, who is raising a couple more of His kids, and making mistakes of my own (although, thanks to the program, I am making fewer mistakes than my parents did, which is progress...I will not reach perfection in this life.)

Making mistakes doesn't mean I am a failure but rather a human being.  Being human doesn't mean I am a bad person but rather a flawed person.  Unfortunately, being flawed means I will experience physical, mental, emotional and spiritual pain and maladies.  Only when my soul is freed from the physical confinements of my body and mind via death of said body and mind at God's discretion, will I be totally free of the pain and suffering of this world.

In the meantime, I plan to continue to work the 12 Steps of the program because I have found this to be the only path to experiencing little pieces of peace and freedom for which my soul so greatly longs.  There are countless paths out there but for many alcoholics like me, the 12 Step path is the only one that works (if we work it!)

Today I am working it by:

• getting on my knees and praying the 3rd and 7th Step prayers and the Serenity Prayer
• sharing the message through this blog post
• sharing the message at my homegroup meeting tonight
• serving as my group's treasurer tonight
• meditating to improve my conscious contact with God as I understand Him
• being as honest, open minded, and willing as I can be
• talking with my sponsor and with women I sponsor
• and staying sober for one more day

A Week of Virtues - Day 5 - Acceptance

Acceptance:  acknowledging reality exactly as it is without attempting to change it to fit our needs or desires

"Accepting does not necessarily mean 'liking,' 'enjoying,' or 'condoning.' I can accept what is—and be determined to evolve from there. It is not acceptance but denial that leaves me stuck."   ~ Nathaniel Branden, American psychologist

I find that when coming to accept something, what I am really doing is grieving the loss of some false belief of mine.  Acceptance is the fifth stage of grieving.  I find that I must go through the first four stages before I reach acceptance of a situation, person, or truth in my life.  I will use alcoholism as an example.

*  My false belief is that I am a normal drinker.

Stage 1 - Denial
I'm not an alcoholic.  I don't have a problem.  I'm fine.  There's nothing abnormal about me.

Stage 2 - Anger
Why me?  I don't deserve this!  I am pissed off that I am an alcoholic!  It's not fair!

Stage 3 - Bargaining
Please, God, let me be able to drink like a normal person.  I'll do anything if you just fix me so I can drink and be ok.

Stage 4 - Depression
Poor me!  I am an alcoholic.  My life is ruined.  I'll never have any fun again.  Why do these things always happen to me?  I am a terrible person.

Stage 5 - Acceptance
I am an alcoholic and that is ok.  I have a disease.  I can admit that I have it, not be angry about it, not feel sorry for myself about it, but can realize the reality of it and live my life accordingly. 

More on my story of acceptance can be found here.

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.  ~  Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous 

 
Acceptance is the path to serenity for me.  Practicing acceptance doesn't mean that I have to accept "unacceptable behavior," such as any type of abuse from others.  While I can't change them, I can remove myself from them and their destructive behaviors.  In this way I am accepting the reality of the way they are (i.e., abusive, unhealthy, etc.) and choosing not to be a part of it.  In practicing acceptance, I must always keep in mind what I can and cannot change, which is why the Serenity Prayer is so powerful in my recovery today.
 
 

Serenity Prayer

 

God, grant me the serenity to

accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

 

 

Breaking the Chains

It is difficult for me to maintain my peace of mind when I am in the presence of negative people.  How do I stay sane in the midst of chaos?  "Detach with love" is a phrase I learned in meetings.  I think it means that my emotional state is not dependent on the emotions and behaviors of others.  Easier said than done!  I can't seem to do this unless I physically remove my person from these people.  I guess you could call it my "out of sight, out of mind" plan.

This has been working for a while, but lately I have noticed the more I rely on this plan, the more isolated I become.  Let's face it, negative, crabby, unhealthy, whiny, demanding, unhappy people are EVERYWHERE!  So, at a low spot in my weekend, I grabbed a notebook and a pen and wrote out a thorough 4th Step.  Without fail, working this step revealed where I had been selfish, dishonest, self seeking, and frightened.  Here's the crux of it all:

I offer solutions to people who complain when they don't necessarily ask for any. 

I was taught look at my motives for doing what I do.  My motive for giving others suggestions as they complain about people and situations in their life is to make them stop complaining.  I want negative people to be positive so that my emotional balance isn't upset.  My motive for being over-involved in my kids' fights, whining, self-care activities, and leisure activities is to rid myself of the guilt I feel when they are mad, bored, or don't get their way and the pain I feel when they are unhappy.  My motive, pure and simple, is to try and change THEM so that I don't feel uncomfortable. 

(Sorry, folks, you can say you do things out of the goodness of your heart and for completely selfless reasons but the fact is, for every action I take there lies in part a selfish motive.  It's just human nature.) 

Ok, back to the basics, Marie.  You know, like:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I know in my head that I can't change other people, but darn it, if my heart would only stop forgetting this fact.  Each time I offer solutions to those who don't ask for it, I am trying to change them.  In doing this, I also invest myself emotionally in their "stuff" and thus, attach with selfish motives rather than detach with love. 

When I attach with selfish motives this means my serenity is dependent on their actions and attitudes.  So, of course, I try to control those actions and attitudes so that I feel happy.  And of course, I can't control these things so I end up feeling insane!

Detaching with love means I can listen to them and love them right where there are without trying to change their attitudes or behaviors into something that will make me happy.  After all, I am not their Higher Power.  What do I know about what they need to do?  I don't even know what I need to do for me half of the time!

At this point, Steps 1, 2 and 3 came into play for me this weekend as well.  Specifically:

Step 1:  After admitting my powerlessness over others and my inability to manage their lives or my own,
Step 2:  I was humbled by my lack of power and became open minded enough to see that I don't know what is best for everyone, thus God restored my sanity as
Step 3:  I turned it all over to Him.

In other words, I was able to experience some of God's peace because I was no longer taking on the responsibility of fixing others, which I can't do anyway, which is why I go insane!  What a vicious cycle!

I am so grateful for my Higher Power and for the ability to find solutions to the problems I create in my life today by working the 12 Steps.

It really does work!  I hope it does for you, too.