Resentments and Dysfunction

He has risen today, and the world is glorious because of Him!

I ignored them my whole life.  Numbed them with alcohol until the alcohol no longer worked for me; until it turned against me by making my oblivion as awful as my reality.  No more escape, not in the bottle or anywhere because "everywhere I went, there I was" (one of my favorite quotes.)

So, I wrote, worked the steps in several programs, with several sponsors, saw a multitude of doctors and health care professionals, yet I remained ill - very, very ill - until one day I attempted the only escape plan I had never tried - suicide.  It was an act of complete desperation.  I was a rat in a maze, a prisoner in a labyrinth of darkness and suffering, a crazed animal cornered by predators, no longer able to run or fight back, for my energy had depleted; my will to live had extinguished; my heart pumped blood and self-hate through my body and mind.  I needed both to stop.  God had other plans (doesn't he always?) :)

I have been participating in intense therapy for the last ten months with the most wonderfully trained therapist I have ever met.  It has been a long, grueling process - one that I am still in the midst of - but I have made so much progress.  Resentments and dysfunction sometimes go deeper than what the steps can reach. "Problems other than alcohol" do exist.  I have first hand experience with them.  However, these problems can never be addressed fully if sobriety is not first intact.  As my sponsor says, "We can always add on to our program but nothing can ever take the place of it."

I am on my eighth year of sobriety, and I am told that emotional sobriety is harder than physical sobriety.  I am knee deep in my journey to emotional sobriety, and apparently, "I am right on time."

So Your Sober - Now What?

Live.

How?

Go to meetings to get a sponsor to work a 12-step program to improve your contact with God to help others.  Repeat.

Why?

It works for me.

Depression, Anxiety, Alcoholism, Addiction, Solutions

We spent the weekend out of town visiting friends. I love my friends and I love their kiddos. Even though, we always have a blast, what I don’t love is the extremely high levels of stimuli in a house full twenty people for 36 hours. Maybe someday I won’t feel so anxious and overwhelmed by the noise and hustle and bustle of these get-togethers.

I didn’t use to feel this way before we all started have kids ten years ago. I didn’t used to when I was still drinking 7 years ago. I didn’t use to 3 years ago when my anxiety and major depression disorders where under control. But, now and for the last two and a half years, despite working my 12 step programs and continuing to work with my doctor on medication options, I still experience symptoms of the aforementioned mental illnesses daily.


My doctor told my husband and me this week that 53% of patients on antidepressants continue to experience symptoms of anxiety and depressive disorders even while on medication, although the medication does make the symptoms less intense. The other 47% are completely relieved of their symptoms once on medication. She also said that it is common in women for the mental illness to get worse as we get older due to hormonal changes after childbirth and during pre-menopause and menopause.

As I wrestle with the effects of “chronic, recurrent depression” (as my doctor put it) --and I mean the biological, chemical imbalance of neurotransmitters in the brain type mental illness-- and alcoholism, which 12 step program literature describes as a spiritual illness or a sickness of the soul, I often feel like they tag team me. The most frustrating aspect of having both mental illness and alcoholism is when my symptoms worsen, I wonder if it is because I am slacking off in some part of my spiritual program or is it because I need to talk to my doctor about the possibility of medication burn out (it has been proven in research that psychiatric medicines will loose their effectiveness in many patients after they are on them for some time.)

I spoke with my sponsor about this issue and she, who has both depression (although completely controlled with medication) and alcoholism (recovered via a 12 Step program for 27 years now), said that for her, when behaviors and/or symptoms continually occur over and over again or repeatedly for many days or weeks in a row, especially when they are unrelated to any identifiable triggers or stressors that are out of the ordinary, she calls her doctor about it.

On the flip side, when symptoms pop up during specific instances and then shortly pass as a result of working the steps, she attributes these to her character defects versus symptoms that require medical attention. This has been my experience when dealing with character defects as well.

My experience has also shown me that my symptoms of mental illness, on the other hand, do not pass without medical intervention and most importantly, not only do they not pass, but THEY GET WORSE and keep getting worse to the point that I have thoughts of harming myself.

My life is good. I have a supportive, loving husband, two healthy, loving kids, an extended family that would do anything for us, and a host of friends both in and out of the programs who would also do anything for us. My relationship with God is the best it has ever been since I started drinking, quit drinking, and now don’t drink at all. I am well-taken care of by caring, competent doctors. I do service work both in and out of the program. I work the 12 steps daily. I have no resentments at the moment nor do I usually and most days I am not fearful of anything or anyone.

So, why do I still get overwhelmed/over stimulated and fatigued when I am around a lot of people for any length of time, or when I am out of my daily routine, or when I am gone from the house for too long, or don’t have hours of time to spend in complete silence everyday? For me, I think it’s a chemical-brain thing.  But, honestly, I don't know anything for sure.  And…

It’s ok. I’m ok with it. I accept this. I accept me. I love me just how I am because I know that God loves me just as I am and I believe his will for me is to love myself just as I am and to also love others just as they are. What a wonderful gift! To be loved and to be able to love - just as we are...just like God does.

And if you have depression, anxiety and/or bipolar disorders like me, you’re ok, too. I know it hurts. I know it’s painful. I know that sometimes you feel like you cannot bear it one more day.

When I am in the depths of these emotional abysses, I have to force myself to call someone, my sponsor, a trusted friend, a spiritual advisor, my husband…and always my doctor if I start to have thoughts of suicide.

I have to force myself to ask God what is it he would like for me to learn about myself?

I have to force myself to thank God for the pain, knowing that someday, as he already has many times in the past year, he will send others my way who will need someone’s help…someone who has experienced and lived through the type of pain they are in…someone like me.

For me, while mental illness and alcoholism may manifest themselves in similar ways, they have different causes if the mental illness is biologically based (meaning the brain is lacking in certain chemicals that regulate moods.) I am and always will be first and foremost an alcoholic. I work a 12 step program to treat my alcoholism. I also have mood disorders caused by chemical imbalances in my brain for which I take medication prescribed by my doctor . I thank God for both solutions. I need both solutions.

Finally, I must humbly admit that I don’t know anything. I believe that all I am really called to do is to share my experience, strength, and hope with those out there who still suffer. And really - don’t we all suffer at some time or another?

So keep sharing. No story is right or wrong. Every story is important because God uses our stories to bring others to him, whether we know if we do or not.

The paths to Him are many. Keep an open mind, be willing, and be honest and you will find the path that works for you. I promise you will, if you just don’t give up!

And whether I know you or not…I love you all…

I asked for it!

"Be careful what you pray for..." 

I have been asking God to show me how to truly love others; without conditions, without expectations, and to give of myself in service out of love alone.  I had the opportunity twice in the last three days to be of service in a true spirit of love.  My motives were good.  It felt wonderful.  I was so excited until...

One of my little acts of service did not go as planned.  I started a task to help my darling husband out and when I didn't have what I needed to finish I blamed him for it and had the audacity to then say if he would have done it himself in the first place this never would have happened.  My sick mind thought, "This is what I get for trying to be nice."  OMG!  Talk about a major backfire!

I was never more ashamed and disgusted with my behavior as I was after this happened.  But guess what?  I didn't drink over it.  Instead I used the Steps of the program to admit my powerlessness over my craziness, asked God to restore my sanity, turned my will over to him once again, completed an inventory of the situation (but skipped over step 5 and didn't talk with anyone about it before making amends, which came back to bite me.)  However faltering, I did make amends to my husband (Steps 8 and 9.) 

God revealed to me just how very ugly and angry I can be, which I am grateful for because it has brought me to a level of humility and surrender to be entirely ready to have these defects of character removed (Step 6.) (What I am not grateful for is the pain it caused my husband.  However, I do not know God's plan for him and maybe God will use this to help him grow, if he is willing.  But, that is none of my business.) In Step 7, I will humbly ask God to remove these shortcomings and if it is his will, I have hope that he will indeed show me how to truly love others. 

I wish it didn't have to been done this way but for this alcoholic, it does:  God has to show me my character defect at its worst so that I can work the Steps to ready myself for its removal.  I am guessing only after its removal will he then show me how to truly love because how can true love of others co-exist with the kind of anger I had in me yesterday?  I don't think it can. 

I have heard it said many times that we can't grow without first experiencing pain; we can't learn without first making mistakes.  These statements have been true in my life and this week was another great lesson.  What I am learning is that no matter how horrible I can act, God still loves me, which means I should still love me.  If I can do that, then no matter how horrible other people act, I can still love them.  And therein lies the meaning of the true love I asked God for in the first place, which is why I wrote (tongue-in-cheek) at the beginning of this post:

"Be careful what you pray for..."  because you just might get it --  Thank God!

A Week of Virtues - Day 5 - Acceptance

Acceptance:  acknowledging reality exactly as it is without attempting to change it to fit our needs or desires

"Accepting does not necessarily mean 'liking,' 'enjoying,' or 'condoning.' I can accept what is—and be determined to evolve from there. It is not acceptance but denial that leaves me stuck."   ~ Nathaniel Branden, American psychologist

I find that when coming to accept something, what I am really doing is grieving the loss of some false belief of mine.  Acceptance is the fifth stage of grieving.  I find that I must go through the first four stages before I reach acceptance of a situation, person, or truth in my life.  I will use alcoholism as an example.

*  My false belief is that I am a normal drinker.

Stage 1 - Denial
I'm not an alcoholic.  I don't have a problem.  I'm fine.  There's nothing abnormal about me.

Stage 2 - Anger
Why me?  I don't deserve this!  I am pissed off that I am an alcoholic!  It's not fair!

Stage 3 - Bargaining
Please, God, let me be able to drink like a normal person.  I'll do anything if you just fix me so I can drink and be ok.

Stage 4 - Depression
Poor me!  I am an alcoholic.  My life is ruined.  I'll never have any fun again.  Why do these things always happen to me?  I am a terrible person.

Stage 5 - Acceptance
I am an alcoholic and that is ok.  I have a disease.  I can admit that I have it, not be angry about it, not feel sorry for myself about it, but can realize the reality of it and live my life accordingly. 

More on my story of acceptance can be found here.

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.  ~  Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous 

 
Acceptance is the path to serenity for me.  Practicing acceptance doesn't mean that I have to accept "unacceptable behavior," such as any type of abuse from others.  While I can't change them, I can remove myself from them and their destructive behaviors.  In this way I am accepting the reality of the way they are (i.e., abusive, unhealthy, etc.) and choosing not to be a part of it.  In practicing acceptance, I must always keep in mind what I can and cannot change, which is why the Serenity Prayer is so powerful in my recovery today.
 
 

Serenity Prayer

 

God, grant me the serenity to

accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

 

 

Growing Pains

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I am still thinking about the wonderful time we had with friends last week.  Long days spent out on the boat, laughing, relaxing, swimming, skiing.  Summer is coming to an end around here.  The kids start school tomorrow.  I am looking forward to some alone time in the house each day.  I spent a lot of time yesterday doing laundry, cleaning, taking care of a sick child, and catching up from being out of town.  Today, I am exhausted and barely had enough energy to fill out a few forms the kids need to take to school.

I don't know who out there has ever dealt with clinical depression but for me, the most frustrating part is the unpredictable energy highs and lows.  There is no rhyme or reason to them.  I have notebooks filled with logs tracking my sleep schedule, my stress level, my medication schedule, my food intake, how many meetings I attended that week, my husband's work schedule, the time of day, the time of year, and other female-specific cycles, all in an attempt to gain some sort of control over my moods and energy levels.  The most useful information I have gained from all of it comes down to what time of the year it is and my stress level (meaning how many demands are being placed on me or how many I place on myself.)

For the last three years, the seasonal pattern has been depression during the fall and winter and as spring approaches, my mood swings upward into some mania and by mid-end summer I am on my way down again.  I am hoping this fall will be different since my stress level has been significantly reduced by the fact that I no longer work outside the home.  Last summer I was forced to quit due to my deteriorating mental health.  I know that I am doing what is best for me and my family right now and that being at home is God's will for me.  In fact, his will for me was to stop working long before I did.  Counselors, friends, and doctors all told me I needed make major changes in my life to reduce my stress.  I didn't listen because I am defiant and think I know what is best.  What a lesson in humility this past year has been.

I am still healing from the damage I caused my mind and body by ignoring the will of God. The support of friends, family, people in the program, working the 12 steps, the talents of excellent doctors and counselors, and ultimately, the grace of God have all helped me this past year, which has been the most traumatic year in my six years of sobriety. 

For me, life didn't get easier when I quit drinking.  Life got harder because I started changing and growing.  They're called growing PAINS for good reason --they hurt!  I am still growing and hurting, some days more than others.  Today, I know God will use me and my painful experiences to be of service to others and for this I am so grateful.

I am grateful to be sober and alive.  I hope you are, too.

Sunday Gratitude

Today I am thankful for (in no particular order of importance):

• the opportunity to share my story at a meeting this weekend
• the blisters on my hand reminding me that I finally finished cutting and pulling the weeds in my new garden area
• the opportunity to spend time with my kids today even if we do stuff they want to do rather than what I want to do
• my plans to go to my home group meeting tonight
• once again, air conditioning ( 100 degree weather here )
• having a relationship with God

I am never sure when I share my story if I help anyone or not.  Thankfully, this is not a worry of mine (anymore) because I have learned in the program that I am only responsible for taking the action and that the outcome is none of my business.  What a freedom!  So, with tongue-in-cheek I end this post with the picture below.  Happy Sunday, everyone!

Vacation and Alcoholism

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When we checked into the hotel, the desk clerk said, “Blah, blah, blah and the pool hours are blah, blah, blah.  You can park blah, blah, blah and HERE ARE YOUR DRINK VOUCHERS, GOOD FOR SIX FREE ADULT BEVERAGES PER NIGHT FROM OUR BAR.”

My first thought was, “Wow, funny how that got my attention.”  My second thought was, “It’s a shame those will go to waste.”  My third thought was, “I can’t pass up all those free drinks.”  My fourth thought was, “Hubby won’t even use them.”  (He's practically a non-drinker, but not an alcoholic.)  My fifth thought was, “These are crazy thoughts!”

So, there you have it folks.  Six years into sobriety and I can go from zero to crazy in five or less consecutive thoughts!  Does this mean I am not working a good recovery program?  Does this mean that the suggestions I follow are bogus?  Does this mean I am doomed to drink again?

Naaaahhh.  It just means I am an alcoholic. 
So, what happened to those crazy thoughts I was having in the hotel lobby this week?  I told someone about them ASAP and then they went away.  Then I continued on for the rest of the week taking the actions necessary to improve my spiritual life so that, God-willing, the next time (and there WILL be a next time) I find myself having those thoughts, I will stay sober for one more day, one day at a time.

I am so grateful to be sober today.  God is good!

One Day at a Time

I haven't been feeling well the last few days -sore throat, achy body, fatigue.  When I am physically sick, irritability and downright crabbiness fill my spirit.  Picking fights with my husband, avoiding demanding kids, and agonizing over the guilt that follows describes the self-inflicted prison in which I spent the 4th of July weekend.  While my family went off to a holiday get together, I spent last night home alone.  I rested in prayer and quiet listening which renewed my spirit (Step 11 at work.)

My sponsor reminded me today that we don't do well when physically ill.  Also, I know many alcoholics, like myself, that can handle a crisis with ease while the day to day events of normal life (whatever that is) can leave us feeling crazy.  I know the effects of my day to day happenings on my serenity are so subtle at times that I end up feeling "irritable and discontent" without knowing why.  How frustrating this is!  This disease is truly "cunning, baffling and powerful.". 

My sponsor assures me that continued work on the Steps of the program will fine tune my ability to maintain serenity in the midst of everyday life.  "It gets better," is her common response to my whiny complaints.  Thank God I believe her.  This faith in God and in the program gets me through another day -One Day at a Time.

"We are more likely to drink over a broken shoe lace than over the death of a loved one." - Anonymous recovered old timer 

Reality Check

My meditation reading yesterday talked about reality. The author, Karen Casey, writes:

Reality is not our bane but our gift. The particular reality perceived by any one of us is of special significance because in that reality are our lessons --the very lessons that will awaken us to the awareness that what life offers is just what we deserve, and more.

For most of my life I have been in denial of my own reality.  I have a “perceptual disease” meaning that my perception of reality is often misconstrued by my fears, insecurities, and ego.  In the past, my beliefs--based on false realities--often lead to resentments, irritability and discontent, which lead me to either use alcohol to escape the pain of these false realities or into the depths of depression and despair or both.   The program says, “our troubles are of our own making.”  How true this is for me!


A friend of mine once told me that when an interaction occurs between two people there are three sides to the story:

1. the first side is what one person says happened
2. the second side is what the other person says happened
3. and the third side is what really happened!

The 12 Steps also help me weed out self-centered thinking from reality and give me the actions to deal with reality no matter how difficult it is. 

I am so thankful for this program! I finally have a way to deal with life that won’t kill me in the end!

Marie's Step 3 Prayer

Wash away my sins, Oh God.

I do not know my being.

Make of me

As you see fit.

It’s time I start believing.

From this day forth with your grace

I give my whole life to you.

Humble me.

I see your face.

Please tell me what now to do.

Fill my heart with a passion

That can never be ignored.

Guide me through

Your earthly land,

I beg of you , my sweet Lord.

Thank you for cleansing my soul;

Easing its torment and pain.

I offer

all to your Son;

Quaking, I call out his name:

Jesus! Please save me…again.

Forgive me. Mold me. Hold me

Safely in

Your loving arms,

My Savior, Master, and Friend.

~ Written by Marie on August 3, 2004

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