Emotional Sobriety

Thank you for the response to my last email.  I have decided for now to continue posting here since I feel this is the best way to reach those individuals specifically in recovery or interested in recovery.

Today I am going to talk a little about emotional sobriety.  Emotional sobriety involves having peace of mind regardless of what is going on around you.  It involves maintaining a clear head, and trusting in the process of life - "living life on life's terms."  Accepting what you cannot change.  Having faith.  Taking a deep breath and not flipping out when things don't go your way or when you become fearful or worried.

photo source

Feelings are not facts.  Feeling a certain way does not mean that in reality things are going the way I think they are.  For example...

Last night I became extremely fearful of some things that were upsetting my daughter at her school.  I feared that she was being exposed to unfair and possible cruel acts by her teacher.  I feared that her emotional development was being compromised.  I feared that I wasn't doing a good job at protecting her from a teacher who doesn't know how to relate to kids in a positive, supportive manner.

I took a deep breath after listening to her concerns and went to a meeting.  Talked about it at the meeting and decided to bring my concerns to the school director the next day.  Sounds simple and mature and emotionally sound enough, doesn't it?

Well, what ended up happening is I got home and went to discuss my fears and how upset I was with my husband and the first thing he said that I didn't agree with launched me into a rage of blaming him for not supporting me, not seeing things my way, for not wanting her to take this class to begin with.

My fears escalated to not knowing what to do, not being able to handle this on my own, to going crazy with worry about the whole situation.  I ended up saying things to him that I regret and later had to make amends for my hateful words.  All based on fear.

The facts are my daughter is safe, my husband supports me, I am not a bad or neglectful mother, and I don't know for sure how this teacher really is.  I do know how she is making my daughter feel, however, my daughter's feelings may not be facts either.

Couple all this with the fact that I was physically ill all day with a migraine and dealing with my other daughter's science project challenges at ten o'clock at night (which had me already frustrated with my husband for not helping her while I was gone) and its no wonder I lost control of my emotions.

The bottom line is sometimes things like this just happen.  Sometimes we can't keep it together.  Sometimes we don't even know how stressed we are until we explode.  If I hadn't been sick earlier in the day, I would have had more "spiritual time" to myself and been better prepared to handle the stressors that evening.  If I would have know that my husband was going to use "tough love" on my procrastinating daughter by not helping her with her science project, I would have stayed home from my meeting. 

All of this makes me realize that my daughter's complaints about her teacher, while upsetting to her, and therefore to me, would have been easier to handle had I been more spiritually fit that day.

Today, I will spend extra time with my meditation books, I will get a nap in, I will take some extra quiet time to myself, I will write, and pray, and do all the things I normally do to prepare myself for the upcoming evening when everyone gets home.

Emotional sobriety for me includes recognizing that I am human and will make mistakes and forgiving myself for them.  It means that when I am sick, tired and lonely, I will be more suseptible to emotional binges like last night.

Sometimes these things catch up with me before I realize it.  But when I look back on the situation I find there are ways I could have prevented the emotional upset I caused myself and others.  Different choices I could have made.  And just knowing this gives me hope for the future.

I can learn and do things differently next time.  "Progress not perfection" is what I have been taught.  Watch out for "HALT" (being hungry, angry, lonely, and tired) and "Easy Does It."

Any thoughts? 
 

Finding a Higher Power

The following excerpt from p. 46 in the Big Book says it all for me:

"we discovered we did not need to consider another’s conception of God. Our own conception, however inadequate,was sufficient to make the approach and to effect a contact with Him. As soon as we admitted the possible existence of a Creative Intelligence, a Spirit of the Universe underlying the totality of things, we began to be possessed of a new sense of power and direction, provided we took other simple steps."

For me, this meant that I had to

1) Let go of every idea about God that I ever had.
2) Let go of everyone else's idea of God that I was exposed to.
3) Admit to the possibility of this power's existence only - not to what it is or isn't, but just to that it may or does exist.
4) Ask that power to reveal itself to me.
5) Continually work the 12 steps (so that I can perceive that power as it reveals itself to me and so that I can stay in contact with that power from then on.)

Beyond this I wonder if there is any other way to explain or describe my experience that would be of use to someone else. Would it be futile to share my concept of my higher power if my concept only works for me? Would it be a waste of time for anyone else to try and use my concept of my higher power for their concept of their higher power?

A definition of "concept" states:

"A general idea derived or inferred from specific instances or occurrences."

My concept of my higher power is based on my personal "instances and occurences", and I assume yours would be based off of your personal "instances and occurences", but I don't know. I know that I don't know. What I do suggest, however, especially if you are 1) new or 2) having difficulty connecting with your higher power is to drop all that you think that you know about this power, and then ask it to reveal (or re-reveal) itself to you.

And for goodness sakes, please make sure you are working the steps on a continuous basis. That is our part - our ONLY part; the steps are the "footwork." God takes care of the rest as it is stated in the continuation of the aforementioned excerpt:

"We found that God does not make too hard terms with those who seek Him. To us, the Realm of Spirit is broad, roomy, all inclusive; never exclusive or forbidding to those who earnestly seek. It is open, we believe, to all men.”

How did I used seek this power? By working the rules of various churches, retreats, and revivals - all of which work for many people, I have no doubt - and by working my insane rules of getting my way (i.e., bargaining, begging, pleading, crying) which never lead me to finding God.  For me and for most alcoholics I know, the only thing that enables us to find our higher power is the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.

So, if you are an alcoholic, I encourage you to seek your higher power by working ALL of the Steps because

"rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.......If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it -- then you are ready to take certain steps."

Newly Sober

When I was newly sober:

- I went to as many meetings as possible, always in awe of how the people in those meetings talked about having or having had the same feelings and experiences as I was having. I heard over and over and over again how long term sobriety is precarious without working the steps. I also heard that I needed to work the steps with a sponsor. So, after 30 days...

- I got a sponsor

- called her everyday for the first month or two

- and started working the steps with her.

- I joined a homegroup within the first month. For a long time my homegroup was a Big Book study. Currently, it is a 12 Step study. I recommend any newcomer to go to at least one Big Book and one 12 Step meeting every week (in addition to any other meetings you go to.)

- I helped set up and clean up before/after meetings or at least came a bit early to smile at some familiar faces (I was so shy and insecure that talking was too much for me.)

- I journaled daily.

- Every morning, I asked God to help me stay sober, safe and sane

- and thanked him for my day of sobriety every night.

- I listened to a lot of speaker tapes, in my car and at home so that I didn't have any time to get lost in my own thoughts, because they never lead anywhere good at the time.

- I identified my triggers and with my sponsor's help came up with a plan of action for each.

- I referred quite often to a thin, yellow book called "Living Sober: Some methods A.A. members have used for not drinking," published by A.A. World Services.

I still do most of these things almost eight years later. They worked for me then and still do, and for that I am grateful.

What did you do to cope when you were first sober?

Alcoholic Perfectionism

Who has it?

 

Me!  I am my own worst critic (as the cliche says.) I find that the harder I am on myself and the more expectations I have of myself then the more I expect from others. Goes to show that when something is bothering me about the actions (or non-actions) of others, I really DO need to look at what is going on within myself.

 

This week is a good example. I have been lonely (still not sure why); restless and anxious (probably because the kids are now on summer vacation,) which leads to mental, physical, and emotional exhaustion for me, which significantly depletes my spiritual reserves.

 

My expectations for myself have been very high lately. Examples, include: to be ok with groups of 11-year-old girls coming in and out of my house all day (after all, I like knowing where they are and what they are doing - i.e., control. :) I am also on the other side of a severe depressive episode, and feel guilty for not doing more than my share of the housework to make up for my lack of it over the last year (even though those expectations are mine alone, and my husband would be glad to help if I'd just ask. But, no, instead I made snide remarks and played the martyr this morning about all of the things on my plate today. Later, when I made amends, I told him I was overwhelmed and we had a good talk.)

 

I know that I need time to myself each day to connect to my Higher Power, and with the kids home now, I just don't get it. And that statement just made me realize why I am feeling lonely (I miss my God.)  I think I may need to work Step 11 extra hard this summer. :)

 

In what ways does your fear of making mistakes or of not being "good enough" cause you distress?

Online Meetings

Thinking of joining an email Big Book study that I found listed on aa-intergroup.org.  I found this resource in the March 2012 Grapevine.  Does anyone have any experience with credible online sobriety groups?  Care to share?  Thanks.

Resentments and Dysfunction

He has risen today, and the world is glorious because of Him!

I ignored them my whole life.  Numbed them with alcohol until the alcohol no longer worked for me; until it turned against me by making my oblivion as awful as my reality.  No more escape, not in the bottle or anywhere because "everywhere I went, there I was" (one of my favorite quotes.)

So, I wrote, worked the steps in several programs, with several sponsors, saw a multitude of doctors and health care professionals, yet I remained ill - very, very ill - until one day I attempted the only escape plan I had never tried - suicide.  It was an act of complete desperation.  I was a rat in a maze, a prisoner in a labyrinth of darkness and suffering, a crazed animal cornered by predators, no longer able to run or fight back, for my energy had depleted; my will to live had extinguished; my heart pumped blood and self-hate through my body and mind.  I needed both to stop.  God had other plans (doesn't he always?) :)

I have been participating in intense therapy for the last ten months with the most wonderfully trained therapist I have ever met.  It has been a long, grueling process - one that I am still in the midst of - but I have made so much progress.  Resentments and dysfunction sometimes go deeper than what the steps can reach. "Problems other than alcohol" do exist.  I have first hand experience with them.  However, these problems can never be addressed fully if sobriety is not first intact.  As my sponsor says, "We can always add on to our program but nothing can ever take the place of it."

I am on my eighth year of sobriety, and I am told that emotional sobriety is harder than physical sobriety.  I am knee deep in my journey to emotional sobriety, and apparently, "I am right on time."

Message Out of the Bottle

My last post was eleven months ago.  I have not thought about this blog more than a handful of times since then, but this week it kept popping up in my mind.  Finally, I followed the nudge to sign in and check messages.

I found out my yahoo email account connected to this blog was deactivated because of non-use.  So, I hopped on over here to Blogger to see if there were any comments, and low and behold there are two new ones left just in the last week (when I started thinking about this blog again.)  The only comments before these new ones are the ones that you all left last April when I announced that I was stepping away from this blog.  I find this quite....what's the word I am looking for?  bizarre, cool, amazing, exciting, weird....

Anyway, I hope everyone is well.  I am in a better place than last year at this time.  I didn't stop writing, but only recently has my writing become more positive in a "real" sense versus a "fake it 'til you make it" sense.  I might be finally be "making it" little by little, one day at a time.

Sobriety, Emotional and Mental Disorders

Hello? -hello, hello {echoing}...

I am alive. Thank you to those who have inquired about my hiatus. Recovery is a peculiar thing. Being alcohol-free is not as free as it sounds. For me, it has cost the blissful ignorance I used to have about my true nature.

I have been coming to terms with some hard truths about myself. Some UGLY, hard truths, which I am processing through more so than ever currently. As a result, I have had to step back from blogging for a bit because I believe it is in everyone's best interest to not throw too much crap out into the world. There is enough as it is. And honestly (because it is an honest program, after all :), that is all I've had to offer lately. And ironically, because of the 12 step program, I know that only being capable of slinging crap is ok as long as it is done in a way that doesn't harm anyone, including the program, and as long as I keep using the steps as my solution.

It says in the Big Book, "there are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest." Friends, I am here to tell you that I have that capacity and therefore, I HAVE HOPE! As long as there is breath inside of me, I have hope.

And I will continue to offer my experience and strength to others. For now, however, I have not the strength to do it on this blog. I am leaning hard on those around me. They are sharing their strength with me. It IS "how it works" and it is a beautiful thing.

Alcoholism, Mental Illness and Recovery

Happy Spring!  I hope everyone is doing well.  Life continues around me and I am doing my best with God's help, of course, to keep up or at least survive each moment.  I have been focusing on living in the present, not dwelling on the past too much nor worrying about the future.  Those are some tough tasks for me and not because I like to think about the past and future too much but rather because the present moments are often difficult to bear.

I have a great life and many, many blessings for which I am ever thankful to God.  The difficulties remain in my mood swings and my powerlessness over mental illness.  I asked the universe this week if there will ever come a day when I would rather be alive than dead.  The universe didn't give me a definitive answer so I guess I'll keep plugging along.  Maybe that is the answer; just keep plugging along.

I have a friend who has a teenager who is depressed and he often self-mutilates by cutting.  She knows my history and asked me if I thought he was inflicting physical pain in an attempt to distract himself from his mental anguish.  I said that I didn't know why he was doing it but the reason I did it at his age was because of self-hatred. 

I had so much anger and was conditioned to stuff it as a child that when it eventually started boiling out of me, I took it out on myself in secrecy.  Nobody knew so nobody punished me for expressing anger.  Yet, I knew and ironically, inflicted my own punishment.  Weird.  I never really thought of it that way until now.

Today, I do not hate myself.  In fact, I love myself because through the 12 step program and the examples of those women in the programs, I have learned how to see myself through God's eyes and that is an amazing gift to possess.  I love myself with all of my heart!

However, I hate my mental illness symptoms as much as I hated being alcoholic when I first got sober.  Today, I am indifferent about having alcoholism.  It is what it is and I am so grateful that the solution found in the 12 steps works for me and my alcoholism.

Maybe some day I will feel the same about mental illness.  However, for today, my symptoms are extremely painful and I struggle to find peace in them.  Yet, I remain hopeful.  I turn to God at every painful moment for help and I turn to him at every peaceful moment to give thanks.  I learned to do that by working the 12 steps "in all my affairs."

In addition to working my program, I continue to take other actions necessary to treat my mental illness (going to my psychiatrist monthly, being honest with her and others about my symptoms, taking care of myself to the best of my ability and most importantly, not being too hard on myself.)

I do not have any more power over my bipolar disorder than I do over my alcoholism.  In both cases, the only power I have is in the willingness to take the actions suggested to me by others.  So, that is what I will keep doing...I'll just keep plugging along and we'll see what happens...

Do Alcoholics Have the Option to Choose Self Control?

My ten year old daughter continues to exhibit bipolar symptoms, specifically anger and irritability, morning, noon, and night. Yesterday morning, I kept my cool with her and my serenity was not affected. This morning, on the other hand, I responded to her disrespectful actions and words with my own anger and frustration and my serenity vanished. Poof! Gone…

Afterwards, I went outside and sat in the morning sunshine to read a spiritual (although, not recovery-based) meditation book a friend gave to me this week. I immediately felt a sense of peace and relief as I read the words I needed to hear until I got to the last part which discussed self-control. It reads:

I choose self-control…Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. To these I commit my day. If I succeed, I will give thanks. If I fail, I will seek his grace.

My blood pressure rose as I read those words and I tore that page right out of the flippin’ book!

Self-control??? I have no self-control! If I did, I wouldn't need a 12-step program for my alcoholism. WTF? Does this mean normal people have a choice when it comes to self-control because I sure don't.  On the contrary, I am out of control.  I am powerless.  My life is unmanageable by me.  I am unmanageable by me.

Definition of self-control: "Control of one's emotions, actions, or desires by one's own will."

I thought this picture was cute, however, a cork wouldn't work because I'd have to buy a bottle of wine in order to get the cork (oh, the irony! :)

I am not in a great place at the moment. Therefore, I am reaching out to my fellow alcoholics and humbly asking you to share your experience, strength, and hope on this self-control thing.  Am I missing something?

I choose to admit that I am powerless (step 1.)  I choose to believe my life is unmanageable and that God can restore me to sanity (step 2.)  I choose to make the decision to turn my life over to God (step 3.)  I choose to write down my faults (step 4.)  I choose to talk with my sponsor about them (step 5.)  I choose to be willing to have God remove my faults (step 6.)  I choose to ask him to remove them (step 7.)  I choose to make a list of those I have harmed (step 8) and to make amends except when to do so would injure them or others (step 9.)  I choose to review my conduct each day (step 10.)  I choose to pray and meditate (step 11.)  I choose to try to practice the principles of the program in all of my affairs and to carry the message of the program to other alcoholics (step 12.)

But can I choose to have self-control?   Can I choose to control myself?  Can you?

Sober Time Flies

Wow!  It has been a few weeks...busy, up, down, and everything in between.  I am grieving the death of a family member yet finally coming out of a full Fall-Winter depression.  I am grateful that my sleeping habits have normalized, that my husband's financial insecurities have been relieved, and most of all, that I am sober and in conscious contact with God.

What are you grateful for today?

Serenity in Sobriety - Is Love All You Need?

Currently, my spiritual journey has brought me to the realization that the more I accept and love myself, every part of myself, the more peace I experience. I spent so many years judging, berating, and despising my human condition that by the time I got to the rooms of the 12 step program, I had nearly snuffed out the tiny light of the spirit left in me. In the program, we refer to these aspects of the human condition as "character defects." I hated them.


I hated them to a point of starving myself and binging and purging as a preteen. I hated them to the point of trying to slowly kill myself with alcohol from age 15-32. I hated them to the point of subjecting myself to demoralizing experiences with men from age 16-21. I hated them to the point of purposefully injuring my body with razor blade cuts from age 18-20. I hated them to the point of considering suicide several times IN SOBRIETY.


Don't you see that alcoholism is not about alcohol as much as it is about an illness of the mind that wants to destroy the soul using any means possible? Anorexia, bulimia, drugs, sex, self-injury, suicide...it doesn't care which does the job...they are all a means to the same end which is a full separation from the "sunlight of the spirit," from God, from Love.


For me, being sober is no guarantee that I won't die from this disease. For me, the only hope I have to transcend decades of self-hate is to love and accept all of me, including my character defects.

Why? Because for today, I believe that my character defects are present as a direct result of a lack of love.  Therefore, to continue to deny myself of love would merely perpetuate their existence.


The act of loving myself unconditionally - defects and all - will eventually eradicate these defects. Is this not the same thing as being willing and humbly asking God to remove my character defects as it is written in Steps 6 and 7?

Because what IS God but LOVE?

So it is LOVE that will remove them...God's love in me loving me.  Me loving me with God's love.  God and me, God's love and my love - one in the same.


For who am I but an extension of God's love?  God, Himself, said that He created us in His own image...


His image...


God IS Love. 

Therefore, if I believe I was created in His image then I have to believe that I was not created out of love - as something separate from love - but rather that I was created AS love.

My true self IS love.  I AM love.

Therefore, to not love, to not be myself, to not BE love is to kill my true self.

Does this make sense to you? Care to share any thoughts?


For a clearer explanation read the following article.

U N I V I S I O N S: Transcending into Love

This idea keeps presenting itself to me in various ways lately and this post is an attempt to relate what is being revealed to me to my alcoholism (NOT to my drinking problem but to my ALCOHOLISM, which includes all of the illness mentioned above...the eating disorder, bipolar symptoms, depression, etc.)


Thanks for reading and letting me share.  Enjoy the music video below, All You Need is Love by The Beatles.

Alcoholism, Sobriety, and Recovery - a Step Ten Spiritual Experience

I listened to them fight. Like I used to be, she is sensitive, defensive, discontent, irritable, and miserable. Unlike me, she is only ten years old and has never touched a drop of alcohol. Yet, she thinks and acts like one who is drinking herself into an early grave.

Like my husband, my other daughter is selfless, kind, loving, as well as hurt and confused about why the former spews venomous words and blames her for all that is wrong in life. Unlike my husband, she is only five years old and was born into this alcoholic family rather than married into it.

Doesn’t matter…we all have alcoholism and sometimes it really sucks.

I have a sponsor, my daughter has a counselor, and we both have psychiatrists and God. I hate what I see and I cry because I can’t fix her any more than I can fix myself.


Step One: I am powerless.


Step Two: I believe God will restore my sanity (and my daughter's)


Step Three: and at times, I allow Him to restore mine.  The times when I don't is when I focus on my fears.  For example, I become scared to death for my children and agonize over the pain of living from which I cannot completely protect them.


Step Four: During these times, it is best for me to write out my fears and the ways in which I may be harming them by not allowing them to feel their own growing pains, for example.


Step Five: I discuss these things with my sponsor on a regular basis merely because they surface on a regular basis.


Step Six: I want God to remove my fears and seemingly selfless actions that are, in reality, an attempt to relieve the suffering I experience when I see my children suffering.


Step Seven: I ask God to remove these fears, defects, and shortcomings from me as He sees fit.


Step Eight: I place myself at the top of the list and any others whom I have harmed.


Step Nine: I make amends to myself for the browbeating I often inflict on my own conscience (which only fuels my alcoholism.)

Step Ten:  ???   Oh, Step 10, where are youuuuu???

 It is at this exact point in my recent working of the steps, in which flames of “you’re a terrible mother” and “look at what you did to these kids” and “this is all your fault” ignite; my alcoholism trying to convince me that I have power; that some how I can control my life and my children's lives. 

If I believe these lies, which I often do, I go along living life until I, once again, experience enough pain to return to Step One (and admit my powerlessness, once again!)

Insidious disease!!! I haven’t worked Step 10 in months. The others, many times as I described above.  However, even a thorough 4th -9th step-run only straightens me out for a few weeks and then I am back where I started.

I kept asking, “Why? Why?” and this weekend He told me, “...no Step 10 work.”


“She does steps 4-9 repeatedly. That’s the same thing…even BETTER than a step 10,” my disease retorted. God smiled and like that smart little dog from the Wizard of Oz who pulled back the curtain to reveal a mere man pretending to be a great and powerful Wizard, God revealed the simplicity and significance of Step 10 to me.


My focus has been on the great and powerful Steps 4-9 (which are great and powerful in their own right.) However, for me, Step 10 works behind the curtain tirelessly to maintain the phenomenal effects of 4-9, as the carnival man did to control the powerful effects of the “wizard.”


If I work step 10 on a daily basis, maybe I will be less likely to fall backwards as quickly as I have been on my Steps 4-9 every-other-month plan…that plan isn't in the Big Book!


I also wonder if skipping step 10 is the reason that steps 11 and 12 have been such chores for me lately...

Thank you, God.  Thank you, all.




http://wikimediafoundation.org/wiki/File:Are-you-a-wizard.jpg



Alcoholism and Mental Illness: A Double Edged Sword

“To be a good and genuine follower of Christ, there is no need of great things—it is enough to have the common, simple and human virtues, but they need to be true and authentic” ~ Pope John Paul II

The last two months have been up and down but constantly busy. I hit a depressive bottom a few weeks ago that had been building up for about a month.


I have noticed a pattern of late…every few months I suffer from a depressive episode followed by a month of euphoria and lastly, a slow decline into the next depressive state. Up and down, up and down. Such is the life of living with bipolar disease or alcoholism or both.


I discussed the challenges of having both mental illness and alcoholism with a couple of ladies in the program, who have both, and in our experience it is a pain in the butt!


There are some who will say that the two illnesses are one in the same; that as one’s spiritual condition improves the mental twists of these diseases will subside. In my experience, this is true for alcoholism but not always for bipolar depression.

I had a sponsor who did not suffer from depression in sobriety and therefore, couldn’t understand the mental and physical anguish I was experiencing at the time. She implored me to “get out of myself” and do more service work, to work harder on the steps, especially one through three, to get out of my self-pity, make gratitude lists, and go to more meetings.


I did these things and I continued to deteriorate until I tried to take my own life – after years of sobriety. Why? Because I became hopeless. I became hopeless because I was doing all of the things that make a “normal” alcoholic’s spiritual life blossom into a beautiful garden of serenity. Because I was doing what she was doing and it wasn’t having the same effect on me as it was her.


When I came to the rooms of this 12 step program I had lost all hope, I had hit bottom, I was out of answers. I found hope again by working the 12 steps of the program. I was amazed, grateful, humbled, and relieved. I finally found a way to connect with my God and I finally felt peace. I finally felt like I had a purpose in life – like I belonged here. I finally felt that sense of ease and comfort as I placed myself in the hands of my Creator by doing what was suggested to me; by doing what worked so well for others.

So, three years later when these solutions kept working for those around me and they no longer worked for me, I lost all hope once again. I hit another bottom. Alcohol definitely stopped working for me but how could a spiritual program of love and service stop working? I was devastated, in disbelief, terrified, and more hopeless than I had ever been while still drinking. (Even writing about it now literally takes my breath away.)


Now, almost four more years later, I continue to hit emotional bottoms every few months. I continue to ride the roller coaster of mental illness, which has many of the same strange and peculiar mental twists as alcoholism but in my experience, is not as easily managed by spiritual improvement alone.


The book tells me that alcoholism is a mental obsession and a physical allergy. The 12 steps removed my mental obsession for alcohol, which in turn, significantly reduces the chances of me drinking and activating the physical allergy.


Mental illness is not a mental obsession perse nor is it a physical allergy of some sort. It is a medical disease based mostly on the imbalance of certain chemicals in the brain. For many who have both mental illness and alcoholism, medication, the 12 steps, counseling at times, and a number of other interventions are needed. For many of those who are strictly alcoholic, the 12 steps are enough to recover.


Mental illness is real. Alcoholism is real. They both hurt. They both kill. They both affect all aspects of one’s being, physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. However, not everyone who has mental illness is alcoholic and not everyone who is a sober alcoholic has mental illness (in the brain chemical imbalance sense.)


Therefore, when I am having trouble coping with life and someone’s tells me to work the steps harder, get out of myself, stop feeling sorry for myself, make gratitude lists, help others, go to more meetings and I do take these actions yet continue to get worse, I know that I need to call a professional in for help.


If I do what is suggested to me and my condition improves then yay! for the steps and this wonderful program for alcoholics (I repeat, “this program for alcoholics” not this program for alcoholics with bipolar depression.)


Now, I can hear some of those in my meetings saying, “You’re not unique. Don’t single yourself out. You’re not different.” These statements are true in and of themselves, however, I think many people use them out of context. After all, don’t we say that we can’t drink like normal people? Aren’t our bodies and minds different than that of the average social drinker? And for goodness sakes, our own Grapevine is singling out alcoholics who are also gay, in their current issue. Why then, can’t my body and mind be different than the average or normal alcoholic?


In summary, I want to reiterate for myself a few things that I have learned over the past couple of years:

1. don’t lumped people into a big category pot with cookie cutter solutions
2. don’t assume that I know best about what someone needs to do just because it worked that way for me
3. don’t forget that we are all individuals with particular needs that only a Higher Power knows how to fulfill and sometimes He does so through the minds and actions of those outside of the program (i.e., medical professionals, clergy, spouse, non-alcoholic friend or family member)
4. don’t assume that every solution lays at the end of improving my spiritual condition but that it may be possible for the improved spiritual condition to be but the beginning of a road that leads me to the tangible solutions my Higher Power wants to bring me to (i.e., medication, counseling, major life-style changes, etc.)
5. be humble and try to remember that I don’t know anything as far as what is best for me, you, or the man on the moon
6. ask for help
7. easy does it
8. don’t quit before the miracle happens (or after it happens because for me, the need for and the appearance of subsequent miracles continues on and on, up and down, etc., etc.)

My Sober Week

Photo credits unknown.

quoteflections: Gratitude is not for Wimps

quoteflections: Gratitude is not for Wimps: "A team of psychologists is researching the science of gratitude and collecting evidence that it enhances one's quality of life. 'Far from ..."

Ok, all you program people - you have got to read this.  My only comment is that I am glad the medical field is finally catching up with what us drunks learned a long time ago.  Geesh!  Just another thing to be grateful for, right? ;)



Here are some highlights from Paul C.'s (blog author over at quoteflections) post:

"Far from being a warm, fuzzy sentiment, gratitude is morally and intellectually demanding, it requires contemplation, reflection and discipline. It can be hard and painful work." ~ Professor Robert Emmons, one of the study's researchers.

Damn right it's hard and painful work!!! (<-----that comment is mine.)


Additionally, Paul C. writes:

"In (Emmon's) book he discusses 10 strategies to cultivate gratitude which include keeping journals, remembering the bad, learning prayers, appreciating one's senses, going through the right motions which will lead to positive emotions."


This just gave me a chuckle - in a good way - as well as made me grateful that people, both in the rooms of recovery and in the normal world, continue to spread the message about the benefits of an "attitude of gratitude."


One last thing...I just recently found Paul's blog and I thoroughly enjoy it.  quoteflections is "a regular eclectic mind fix," as stated in its subtitle. 

Thanks, Paul.  I am grateful for you and your blog!

Sobriety and Life Tie the Knot

Sober living is hard, enjoyable, stressful, serene, tough, and simple.  How can it be so many opposing things?  It can for me because it is life, a mysterious experience of co-existing joy and sorrow, suffering and relief, pain and serenity.  It is real, it is now, and it is unpredictable.

I am going on seven consecutive weeks of family illnesses, snow days, holidays, birthdays, and crises - all the usual life events - with no end yet in sight.  I want to run away via the bottle, the car, or in my really low spots, death. 

Thank goodness God has other plans for me. Otherwise, I would be writing this drunk, from a deserted island, or not at all.

I have a lot to complain about…many things I don’t like but as my sponsor says, I “don’t have to like it.”  I also have a lot to be grateful for…many things that I do like…and when I focus on those aspects of my life I have a real chance at conforming to God’s will - staying sober, living with my family, and remaining alive.

How do I keep my focus on the positives?  I have only one answer:

by working the 12 steps:

1. Admitting my powerlessness
2. Believing God will restore me to sanity
3. Trusting in His will
4. Completing a thorough self-appraisal
5. Calling my sponsor/telling her everything
6. Being willing for God to improve my character
7. Asking Him to improve my character
8. Making a list of those whom I have harmed
9. Making amends when appropriate
10. Performing repeated self-appraisals
11. Praying and meditating
12. Practicing these principles in all areas of my life and carrying the message to other alcoholics through service work (going to meetings to share and listen, sponsoring other women, writing these blog posts, etc.)

A long time ago, life handed me a rope and sometimes I swing joyfully from it like a child and sometimes I am tempted to noose it and hang myself.  Right now, I am tying a knot in the end of it and hanging on…while God and those who love me stand underneath with open arms, waiting to catch me if I fall. 

What more could I ask for?

Responsibilities in Sobriety - Grumblings versus Gratitude

Responsibilities                                         Grumblings                Gratitude

1.  taking care of sick children
non-stop for the last two weeks:               -I am tired                -God strengthens me 
                                                                       -I miss quietness         -I'm not hungover


2.  leaving early to get coffee cups
for my home group meeting                          -I am tired                   -they trust me w/$
                                                                           -I don't do my         
                                                                            own shopping         -they trust me w/$


3.  taking a friend to a meeting weekly     -why doesn't she       
                                                                      ever offer to drive?   -I have a car and can
                                                                                                                  afford gasoline
                                                                                                                -I have friends


4.  taking care of the kids alone while
husband works sooooo much                    -did I mention that
                                                                     I am fricking tired?     -I have a husband
                                                                                                                 who works hard
                                                                                                                 for us


5.  taking care of myself
and others                                                -I don't feel like it                -I know how  

Alcoholism and Its Physical, Mental, and Spiritual Affects

So this alcoholism thing is physical, mental, and spiritual?  Wow, that is like my whole being!  Does this mean if I just not drink and eat well and exercise, I will find peace?

Oh, wait, that doesn't address the mental and spiritual part directly, does it?

What if I just go to counselors who teach me how to change my thoughts through cognitive behavioral therapy and maybe go to church every Sunday?

Hmmm...then I am ignoring the physical side of things, aren't I?

What about this - I take my medication and wait for it to cure my mental illness, you know "replenish" my lack of serotonin and all that neurotransmitter stuff?

Wait, that alone won't improve my spiritual condition, will it?

I know!  I've got it!  I will work my ass off with the 12-steps and everything will be grand!

Or not?  Aren't I then ignoring the physical part of my make-up as a human being?

For me, I must attack this alcoholism with everything I can because it hits me in every area that makes up my being - physically, mentally, and spiritually.

For me, this means don't drink, eat well, exercise, get enough sleep, and take my medications.  This means learning from professionals and non-professionals how to change my thinking and how to process my feelings in ways that heal me not hurt me.  This means working the 12 steps on a daily basis.

Alcoholism looks for any way to take hold and kill me.  It doesn't care if it is the physical, mental, or spiritual part of me.  Once it creeps into one area, my peace is lessened and like a bad rash, it will spread out until it touches all the areas and then I am really screwed!

Therefore, I can't ignore any of the three facets which make up my whole being.  I must use all of the tools at my disposal, which God places in my life, to help me fight alcoholism.  If I take the actions needed to use these tools, I have a good chance at living a joyful, serene life. 

And that is all I really want.  How about you?

So Your Sober - Now What?

Live.

How?

Go to meetings to get a sponsor to work a 12-step program to improve your contact with God to help others.  Repeat.

Why?

It works for me.