Emotional Sobriety

Thank you for the response to my last email.  I have decided for now to continue posting here since I feel this is the best way to reach those individuals specifically in recovery or interested in recovery.

Today I am going to talk a little about emotional sobriety.  Emotional sobriety involves having peace of mind regardless of what is going on around you.  It involves maintaining a clear head, and trusting in the process of life - "living life on life's terms."  Accepting what you cannot change.  Having faith.  Taking a deep breath and not flipping out when things don't go your way or when you become fearful or worried.

photo source

Feelings are not facts.  Feeling a certain way does not mean that in reality things are going the way I think they are.  For example...

Last night I became extremely fearful of some things that were upsetting my daughter at her school.  I feared that she was being exposed to unfair and possible cruel acts by her teacher.  I feared that her emotional development was being compromised.  I feared that I wasn't doing a good job at protecting her from a teacher who doesn't know how to relate to kids in a positive, supportive manner.

I took a deep breath after listening to her concerns and went to a meeting.  Talked about it at the meeting and decided to bring my concerns to the school director the next day.  Sounds simple and mature and emotionally sound enough, doesn't it?

Well, what ended up happening is I got home and went to discuss my fears and how upset I was with my husband and the first thing he said that I didn't agree with launched me into a rage of blaming him for not supporting me, not seeing things my way, for not wanting her to take this class to begin with.

My fears escalated to not knowing what to do, not being able to handle this on my own, to going crazy with worry about the whole situation.  I ended up saying things to him that I regret and later had to make amends for my hateful words.  All based on fear.

The facts are my daughter is safe, my husband supports me, I am not a bad or neglectful mother, and I don't know for sure how this teacher really is.  I do know how she is making my daughter feel, however, my daughter's feelings may not be facts either.

Couple all this with the fact that I was physically ill all day with a migraine and dealing with my other daughter's science project challenges at ten o'clock at night (which had me already frustrated with my husband for not helping her while I was gone) and its no wonder I lost control of my emotions.

The bottom line is sometimes things like this just happen.  Sometimes we can't keep it together.  Sometimes we don't even know how stressed we are until we explode.  If I hadn't been sick earlier in the day, I would have had more "spiritual time" to myself and been better prepared to handle the stressors that evening.  If I would have know that my husband was going to use "tough love" on my procrastinating daughter by not helping her with her science project, I would have stayed home from my meeting. 

All of this makes me realize that my daughter's complaints about her teacher, while upsetting to her, and therefore to me, would have been easier to handle had I been more spiritually fit that day.

Today, I will spend extra time with my meditation books, I will get a nap in, I will take some extra quiet time to myself, I will write, and pray, and do all the things I normally do to prepare myself for the upcoming evening when everyone gets home.

Emotional sobriety for me includes recognizing that I am human and will make mistakes and forgiving myself for them.  It means that when I am sick, tired and lonely, I will be more suseptible to emotional binges like last night.

Sometimes these things catch up with me before I realize it.  But when I look back on the situation I find there are ways I could have prevented the emotional upset I caused myself and others.  Different choices I could have made.  And just knowing this gives me hope for the future.

I can learn and do things differently next time.  "Progress not perfection" is what I have been taught.  Watch out for "HALT" (being hungry, angry, lonely, and tired) and "Easy Does It."

Any thoughts? 
 

Do Alcoholics Have the Option to Choose Self Control?

My ten year old daughter continues to exhibit bipolar symptoms, specifically anger and irritability, morning, noon, and night. Yesterday morning, I kept my cool with her and my serenity was not affected. This morning, on the other hand, I responded to her disrespectful actions and words with my own anger and frustration and my serenity vanished. Poof! Gone…

Afterwards, I went outside and sat in the morning sunshine to read a spiritual (although, not recovery-based) meditation book a friend gave to me this week. I immediately felt a sense of peace and relief as I read the words I needed to hear until I got to the last part which discussed self-control. It reads:

I choose self-control…Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. To these I commit my day. If I succeed, I will give thanks. If I fail, I will seek his grace.

My blood pressure rose as I read those words and I tore that page right out of the flippin’ book!

Self-control??? I have no self-control! If I did, I wouldn't need a 12-step program for my alcoholism. WTF? Does this mean normal people have a choice when it comes to self-control because I sure don't.  On the contrary, I am out of control.  I am powerless.  My life is unmanageable by me.  I am unmanageable by me.

Definition of self-control: "Control of one's emotions, actions, or desires by one's own will."

I thought this picture was cute, however, a cork wouldn't work because I'd have to buy a bottle of wine in order to get the cork (oh, the irony! :)

I am not in a great place at the moment. Therefore, I am reaching out to my fellow alcoholics and humbly asking you to share your experience, strength, and hope on this self-control thing.  Am I missing something?

I choose to admit that I am powerless (step 1.)  I choose to believe my life is unmanageable and that God can restore me to sanity (step 2.)  I choose to make the decision to turn my life over to God (step 3.)  I choose to write down my faults (step 4.)  I choose to talk with my sponsor about them (step 5.)  I choose to be willing to have God remove my faults (step 6.)  I choose to ask him to remove them (step 7.)  I choose to make a list of those I have harmed (step 8) and to make amends except when to do so would injure them or others (step 9.)  I choose to review my conduct each day (step 10.)  I choose to pray and meditate (step 11.)  I choose to try to practice the principles of the program in all of my affairs and to carry the message of the program to other alcoholics (step 12.)

But can I choose to have self-control?   Can I choose to control myself?  Can you?

Serenity in Sobriety - Is Love All You Need?

Currently, my spiritual journey has brought me to the realization that the more I accept and love myself, every part of myself, the more peace I experience. I spent so many years judging, berating, and despising my human condition that by the time I got to the rooms of the 12 step program, I had nearly snuffed out the tiny light of the spirit left in me. In the program, we refer to these aspects of the human condition as "character defects." I hated them.


I hated them to a point of starving myself and binging and purging as a preteen. I hated them to the point of trying to slowly kill myself with alcohol from age 15-32. I hated them to the point of subjecting myself to demoralizing experiences with men from age 16-21. I hated them to the point of purposefully injuring my body with razor blade cuts from age 18-20. I hated them to the point of considering suicide several times IN SOBRIETY.


Don't you see that alcoholism is not about alcohol as much as it is about an illness of the mind that wants to destroy the soul using any means possible? Anorexia, bulimia, drugs, sex, self-injury, suicide...it doesn't care which does the job...they are all a means to the same end which is a full separation from the "sunlight of the spirit," from God, from Love.


For me, being sober is no guarantee that I won't die from this disease. For me, the only hope I have to transcend decades of self-hate is to love and accept all of me, including my character defects.

Why? Because for today, I believe that my character defects are present as a direct result of a lack of love.  Therefore, to continue to deny myself of love would merely perpetuate their existence.


The act of loving myself unconditionally - defects and all - will eventually eradicate these defects. Is this not the same thing as being willing and humbly asking God to remove my character defects as it is written in Steps 6 and 7?

Because what IS God but LOVE?

So it is LOVE that will remove them...God's love in me loving me.  Me loving me with God's love.  God and me, God's love and my love - one in the same.


For who am I but an extension of God's love?  God, Himself, said that He created us in His own image...


His image...


God IS Love. 

Therefore, if I believe I was created in His image then I have to believe that I was not created out of love - as something separate from love - but rather that I was created AS love.

My true self IS love.  I AM love.

Therefore, to not love, to not be myself, to not BE love is to kill my true self.

Does this make sense to you? Care to share any thoughts?


For a clearer explanation read the following article.

U N I V I S I O N S: Transcending into Love

This idea keeps presenting itself to me in various ways lately and this post is an attempt to relate what is being revealed to me to my alcoholism (NOT to my drinking problem but to my ALCOHOLISM, which includes all of the illness mentioned above...the eating disorder, bipolar symptoms, depression, etc.)


Thanks for reading and letting me share.  Enjoy the music video below, All You Need is Love by The Beatles.

My Sober Week

Photo credits unknown.

Alcoholism and Its Physical, Mental, and Spiritual Affects

So this alcoholism thing is physical, mental, and spiritual?  Wow, that is like my whole being!  Does this mean if I just not drink and eat well and exercise, I will find peace?

Oh, wait, that doesn't address the mental and spiritual part directly, does it?

What if I just go to counselors who teach me how to change my thoughts through cognitive behavioral therapy and maybe go to church every Sunday?

Hmmm...then I am ignoring the physical side of things, aren't I?

What about this - I take my medication and wait for it to cure my mental illness, you know "replenish" my lack of serotonin and all that neurotransmitter stuff?

Wait, that alone won't improve my spiritual condition, will it?

I know!  I've got it!  I will work my ass off with the 12-steps and everything will be grand!

Or not?  Aren't I then ignoring the physical part of my make-up as a human being?

For me, I must attack this alcoholism with everything I can because it hits me in every area that makes up my being - physically, mentally, and spiritually.

For me, this means don't drink, eat well, exercise, get enough sleep, and take my medications.  This means learning from professionals and non-professionals how to change my thinking and how to process my feelings in ways that heal me not hurt me.  This means working the 12 steps on a daily basis.

Alcoholism looks for any way to take hold and kill me.  It doesn't care if it is the physical, mental, or spiritual part of me.  Once it creeps into one area, my peace is lessened and like a bad rash, it will spread out until it touches all the areas and then I am really screwed!

Therefore, I can't ignore any of the three facets which make up my whole being.  I must use all of the tools at my disposal, which God places in my life, to help me fight alcoholism.  If I take the actions needed to use these tools, I have a good chance at living a joyful, serene life. 

And that is all I really want.  How about you?

Sober Living - How to Stay Serene

I have been busy with life…too busy. Not saying no to things I could say no to, to things that are taking me away from time with God. Therefore, I am not surprised at my current state of irritability and discontent.


Life has a way of bulldozing me without me realizing it until I find myself face down, flattened to the concrete, hurting, cussing, and saying to myself, “I can’t believe I let this happen again!”


What next?

I asked God to peel me up from the pavement and tell me what to do. I opened my laptop to write this post and the words from a previous post sit in wait for me to see, at this very moment when I needed to see them, when I asked for guidance He used my own words to answer me:

The most effective way for me to find joy in everyday living is by working the 12 Steps. Following the suggestions outlined in these steps brings my will in line with God’s will without fail. The steps pave a path that leads me to the two reasons for which I believe that I exist:

1. To attain and maintain conscious contact with God

2. To be of service to others

Due to my choice to focus on things other than maintaining conscious contact with God and being of service to others, I find myself in emotional chaos. I have been focusing on maintaining contact with others in order to serve myself. My how easy it is for me to flip flop my priorities.


Time for me to slow down and regroup. Autopilot is no place for me to operate…it is a guaranteed crash and burn. I pray that God’s grace surrounds me like a protective shield, blinding me to the things my thoughts and actions have been foolishly chasing these past few days.


Do you ever find yourself feeling like this? If so, what do you do? Thanks for any insights you offer.

Screams, Surrenders, and Serenity

Something really cool happened to me this week.  I yelled and screamed and cried and dare I say cursed at God.  (doesn't sound very cool, but stay with me.) I took all of my anger about that which I am powerless over and brought it to the alter of the Lord with emotions raw and inhibitions gone.  I then dropped to my knees, my entire ugly human condition fully exposed, and begged God for mercy and grace and loving help.  I completely surrendered myself to Him in that moment.  You know what happened next?  He smiled joyfully at me and gave me a big spiritual HUG!

This is a big step for me, who, just a few weeks ago, took my anger about that which I am powerless over out on my husband by yelling, screaming, crying, and cursing at him.  Hubby can't handle that plus he's not my Higher Power.  I deeply hurt him and with God's grace I pray that I will never hurt him like that again.

God, on the other hand can handle me - He is the one I need to go to for Power and I believe that in going to Him with my ugliness first this week rather than to my husband, I was then able to later calmly express to my husband how overwhelmed I have felt this week and ask for his help with responsibilities around the house. 

Guilt, shame, and self-loathing keep me from being completely honest with others, especially God.  I am so appreciative of all His gifts (meaning everything good in my life) that I feel guilty to complain to Him about anything; I feel ashamed to express dissatisfaction about things in my life to Him; and I feel unworthy of what He has already given to me, so who am I to display anything but praise, glory, and gratitude to Him?  (Can you get an idea of how being abused for expressing negative feelings as a child growing up in a home with two alcoholic parents is still playing a role in my own disease?)

In recovery, I am learning to accept the fact that I am human, with negative human emotions, and human imperfections.  I can no longer hide my ugliness under the rug from God.  He knows about it anyway.  But, I can no longer pretend that I am not angry, anxious, and fearful about things in my life at times just because I am ashamed to admit that I do not fully trust Him 100% of the time.  100% of the time?  Why that is perfection!  And perfection is humanly impossible and I am sick and tired of beating myself up for not being something that is impossible to be - perfect.

I refuse to feign complete trust in Him to relieve my sufferings.  I ask Him for this relief, but always follow my request with "thy will, not mine be done."  My will would be to not be an alcoholic, have mental illnesses, and instead be joyful and serene 100% of the time. 

I do believe He has the power to relieve my sufferings but I am not so arrogant to believe that He will do it just because I ask Him for it.  I believe He does what is best for ALL involved, not just me.  The spiritual side of me is humbled and grateful for the opportunity to be used by Him, even for Him to use my suffering as a part in His divine plan.  The human, selfish side of me says, "This sucks, God, can't you do it some other way?"

So, basically, this week I told God that, "this sucks," but I will do my best to do my part, His will, anyway, because I have complete FAITH that He knows what is best.  He is THE director.  I am here to serve Him via the power and knowledge he chooses to gift to me at any given moment.  What a ride!

I am comforted by the fact that I am a work in progress.  I am reassured by many close to me and by my sense of the spirit during prayer and meditation that I am going in the right direction.  For me, that is an OK place to be.

"We may never get where we want to be, but we can always be grateful that we're not where we were." --Anonymous Recovered Alcoholic

Thanks for reading.  Loving you right where you are, too...

A Week of Virtues - Day 3 - Humility

*Humility–noun
the quality or condition of being humble; modest opinion or estimate of one's own importance, rank, etc

*Humility definition from a Bible Dictionary
a prominent Christian grace (Rom. 12:3; 15:17, 18; 1 Cor. 3:5-7; 2 Cor. 3:5; Phil. 4:11-13). It is a state of mind well pleasing to God (1 Pet. 3:4); it preserves the soul in tranquillity (Ps. 69:32, 33), and makes us patient under trials (Job 1:22). Christ has set us an example of humility (Phil. 2:6-8). We should be led thereto by a remembrance of our sins (Lam. 3:39), and by the thought that it is the way to honour (Prov. 16:18), and that the greatest promises are made to the humble (Ps. 147:6; Isa. 57:15; 66:2; 1 Pet. 5:5). It is a "great paradox in Christianity that it makes humility the avenue to glory."
*http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/humility


For me humility means:

• accepting the reality of my powerlessness over most everything in my life, including my alcoholism, other people's alcoholism, and others' actions, attitudes, and basically all people, places, and things (including the technical difficulties that kept me from posting this until late tonight! :)

• giving credit for all that is good and positive in my life and inside of me to the one who has all power, whom I call God

Thanks to the God, whom I found through working 12 Step programs, the following statements (also referenced above from the Bible Dictionary) are absolute truths that I have personally experienced:

~  humility preserves my soul in tranquillity (Ps. 69:32, 33)

~  humility makes me patient under trials (Job 1:22)

Above photo is a flower from the Mimosa pudica, a.k.a. the Humble Plant.  This plant is a creeping annual or perennial herb often grown for its curiosity value: the compound leaves fold inward and droop when touched or shaken, re-opening minutes later.  See video below.

photo credit

After watching the way the Humble Plant responds to touch in the above video, I reflected a bit on the way I respond when God touches my life.  Do I stand firm and refuse to yield to His will for me?  Or, like this interesting plant, do I allow myself to bend to the hand of God knowing that He knows what is best for me and my life?  Honestly, I do both.  Even more honestly, I do the former much more frequently than the latter. 

How do I know which one I am doing?  When I am resisting God's will for me I am mostly like going to find myself in emotional and mental discomfort, pain, anguish, and eventually, in insanity.  When I humbly accept and act in line with God's will, I experience a peace like no other.  Simple but not easy...

A Week of Gratitude - Day 5

Today, I am thankful for:

~ Step Nine's healing power

~ funny movies

~ silence

~ my dog

~ just being (versus doing)

~ the fact that my recovery program is a "we program," which means it doesn't work when I attempt to do it alone

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Remember, we all stumble, every one of us. That's why it's a comfort to go hand in hand. ~Emily Kimbrough

A Week in Gratitude - Day 4

Illness is the most heeded of doctors: to goodness and wisdom we only make promises; pain we obey.

~Marcel Proust

Today I am grateful for:

~ pain that moves me to ask for help not death

~ doctors who help heal my body and mind

~ friends who help heal my soul

~ most importantly, God, who places these helpers in my life so that when He places me in the life of others, I will be able to serve

A bodily disease, which we look upon as whole and entire within itself, may, after all, be but a symptom of some ailment in the spiritual part.

~Nathaniel Hawthorne, The Scarlet Letter

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Angel of the Waters, Central Park

Bethesda Fountain is the central feature on the lower level of the terrace, constructed in 1859-64, which is enclosed within two elliptical balustrades. The pool is centered by a fountain sculpture designed by Emma Stebbins in 1868 and unveiled in 1873. Stebbins was the first woman to receive a public commission for a major work of art in New York City. The bronze, eight-foot statue depicts a female winged angel touching down upon the top of the fountain, where water spouts and cascades into an upper basin and into the surrounding pool. It was the only statue in the park called for in the original design. Beneath her are four four-foot cherubs representing Temperance, Purity, Health, and Peace. Also called the Angel of the Waters, the statue refers to the Gospel of John, Chapter 5 where there is a description of an angel blessing the Pool of Bethesda, giving it healing powers. In Central Park the referent is the Croton Aqueduct opened in 1842, providing the city for the first time with a dependable supply of pure water: thus the angel carries a lily in one hand, representing purity, and with the other hand she blesses the water below. The base of the fountain was designed by the architect of all the original built features of Central Park, Calvert Vaux, with sculptural details, as usual, by Jacob Wrey Mould. In Calvert Vaux and Frederick Law Olmsted's 1858 Greensward Plan, the terrace at the end of the Mall overlooking the naturalistic landscape of the Lake was simply called The Water Terrace, but after the unveiling of the angel, its name was changed to Bethesda Terrace.Source: Wikipedia

Growing Pains

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I am still thinking about the wonderful time we had with friends last week.  Long days spent out on the boat, laughing, relaxing, swimming, skiing.  Summer is coming to an end around here.  The kids start school tomorrow.  I am looking forward to some alone time in the house each day.  I spent a lot of time yesterday doing laundry, cleaning, taking care of a sick child, and catching up from being out of town.  Today, I am exhausted and barely had enough energy to fill out a few forms the kids need to take to school.

I don't know who out there has ever dealt with clinical depression but for me, the most frustrating part is the unpredictable energy highs and lows.  There is no rhyme or reason to them.  I have notebooks filled with logs tracking my sleep schedule, my stress level, my medication schedule, my food intake, how many meetings I attended that week, my husband's work schedule, the time of day, the time of year, and other female-specific cycles, all in an attempt to gain some sort of control over my moods and energy levels.  The most useful information I have gained from all of it comes down to what time of the year it is and my stress level (meaning how many demands are being placed on me or how many I place on myself.)

For the last three years, the seasonal pattern has been depression during the fall and winter and as spring approaches, my mood swings upward into some mania and by mid-end summer I am on my way down again.  I am hoping this fall will be different since my stress level has been significantly reduced by the fact that I no longer work outside the home.  Last summer I was forced to quit due to my deteriorating mental health.  I know that I am doing what is best for me and my family right now and that being at home is God's will for me.  In fact, his will for me was to stop working long before I did.  Counselors, friends, and doctors all told me I needed make major changes in my life to reduce my stress.  I didn't listen because I am defiant and think I know what is best.  What a lesson in humility this past year has been.

I am still healing from the damage I caused my mind and body by ignoring the will of God. The support of friends, family, people in the program, working the 12 steps, the talents of excellent doctors and counselors, and ultimately, the grace of God have all helped me this past year, which has been the most traumatic year in my six years of sobriety. 

For me, life didn't get easier when I quit drinking.  Life got harder because I started changing and growing.  They're called growing PAINS for good reason --they hurt!  I am still growing and hurting, some days more than others.  Today, I know God will use me and my painful experiences to be of service to others and for this I am so grateful.

I am grateful to be sober and alive.  I hope you are, too.

My Tuesday Hangover

Yesterday we spent the day with the kids out in 100 degree temperatures at a water park.  Everyone had a great time, however, I am paying for it today.  Fatigue, muscle aches, and joint pains kept me from doing anything today, except lay on the couch.  I knew before we left yesterday that I would probably feel like this today, but that knowledge didn't stop me from staying out in the heat too long, climbing hundreds of steps, bouncing off water slide after water slide, walking barefoot from ride to ride for seven hours straight and completely enjoying the day with my family. 


I used to drink knowing I would pay for it the next day.  But that knowledge never stopped me from staying up too late, drinking too many beers, glasses of wine, shots of whatever anyone was buying, and smoking too many cigarettes for eight hours straight and blacking out or, if I was lucky, passing out. 


The difference is I spent a day living life on life's terms yesterday rather than running away from reality via the bottle.  Today, I do not owe anyone an amends due to my actions yesterday.  I remember what happened yesterday.  I was fully present to give of myself in love and service yesterday.  I was able to play a role in a fun, healthy, positive family experience thanks to God and 12 step programs and the women in those programs who showed me by their words and actions how to be a responsible and loving member of recovery groups, member of my family, and member of society.  I am one of many - no longer trying "to struggle to the top of the heap or hide underneath it." (12 Steps and 12 Traditions of AA, page 53.)


Today, my greatest desire is to be in the "heap" where ever God wants me doing what ever He wants me to do even if it is merely laying on the couch and not feeling guilty for taking care of myself.

Breaking the Chains

It is difficult for me to maintain my peace of mind when I am in the presence of negative people.  How do I stay sane in the midst of chaos?  "Detach with love" is a phrase I learned in meetings.  I think it means that my emotional state is not dependent on the emotions and behaviors of others.  Easier said than done!  I can't seem to do this unless I physically remove my person from these people.  I guess you could call it my "out of sight, out of mind" plan.

This has been working for a while, but lately I have noticed the more I rely on this plan, the more isolated I become.  Let's face it, negative, crabby, unhealthy, whiny, demanding, unhappy people are EVERYWHERE!  So, at a low spot in my weekend, I grabbed a notebook and a pen and wrote out a thorough 4th Step.  Without fail, working this step revealed where I had been selfish, dishonest, self seeking, and frightened.  Here's the crux of it all:

I offer solutions to people who complain when they don't necessarily ask for any. 

I was taught look at my motives for doing what I do.  My motive for giving others suggestions as they complain about people and situations in their life is to make them stop complaining.  I want negative people to be positive so that my emotional balance isn't upset.  My motive for being over-involved in my kids' fights, whining, self-care activities, and leisure activities is to rid myself of the guilt I feel when they are mad, bored, or don't get their way and the pain I feel when they are unhappy.  My motive, pure and simple, is to try and change THEM so that I don't feel uncomfortable. 

(Sorry, folks, you can say you do things out of the goodness of your heart and for completely selfless reasons but the fact is, for every action I take there lies in part a selfish motive.  It's just human nature.) 

Ok, back to the basics, Marie.  You know, like:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I know in my head that I can't change other people, but darn it, if my heart would only stop forgetting this fact.  Each time I offer solutions to those who don't ask for it, I am trying to change them.  In doing this, I also invest myself emotionally in their "stuff" and thus, attach with selfish motives rather than detach with love. 

When I attach with selfish motives this means my serenity is dependent on their actions and attitudes.  So, of course, I try to control those actions and attitudes so that I feel happy.  And of course, I can't control these things so I end up feeling insane!

Detaching with love means I can listen to them and love them right where there are without trying to change their attitudes or behaviors into something that will make me happy.  After all, I am not their Higher Power.  What do I know about what they need to do?  I don't even know what I need to do for me half of the time!

At this point, Steps 1, 2 and 3 came into play for me this weekend as well.  Specifically:

Step 1:  After admitting my powerlessness over others and my inability to manage their lives or my own,
Step 2:  I was humbled by my lack of power and became open minded enough to see that I don't know what is best for everyone, thus God restored my sanity as
Step 3:  I turned it all over to Him.

In other words, I was able to experience some of God's peace because I was no longer taking on the responsibility of fixing others, which I can't do anyway, which is why I go insane!  What a vicious cycle!

I am so grateful for my Higher Power and for the ability to find solutions to the problems I create in my life today by working the 12 Steps.

It really does work!  I hope it does for you, too.

What Are Your Thoughts on This?

Seriously, what are your thoughts on this?

Beakers, Eggs, Me, the World, and God

An empty glass beaker… Is it really empty? What about the air inside of it? How can one prove the presence of air inside of an empty glass beaker? At a child’s birthday party, the “Science Guy” asked the kids these questions. He said, “Can I pour the air out, pull it out, spoon it out?” Then he said, “What if I tried to push a hard-boiled egg into the beaker?” He tried but the egg didn’t budge because of the air inside the beaker. Next he asked the kids, “How can I get some of the air out to make room for the egg?” They had no clue. Then he showed them by lighting a strip of paper, dropping it into the beaker, and placing the egg on top. The fire heated up the air causing it to rise out of the beaker and POP! --into the beaker that egg was sucked! This created lots of “ooohs” and “aaahhs” in the room.

Then Science Guy asked, “How can I get the egg out without breaking the glass?” Again no one had a clue. So, he showed us by tipping the beaker upside down and blowing air into it and can you believe it worked? I was as amazed as the kids! Most of the egg shot out in large mangled pieces and the few bits that remained fell to the bottom of the beaker.

Science Guy caught my attention right at the beginning when he asked the kids how they could prove to him that there was air inside the beaker if it we can’t see it, hear it, smell it, taste it, or feel it, dump it out, spoon it out, or pull it out. I thought, “Wow, that sounds like proving the existence of God.” Then my silly little mind compared the whole darn experiment to my spiritual program.

So, I am the beaker (don‘t laugh! In reality, I am more the shape of an hour glass, but I digress), the egg is the physical world, the air is God, the flame is my character defects, and blowing air into the beaker is like working the 12 Steps of the program. Oh, and I almost forgot a very important element: Science Guy is like a sponsor.

You must know, however, that my spiritual experiment with the 12 Steps is far, far, far from being as valid and reliable as that of Science Guy's egg and beaker science because unlike the laws of physics, God allows me to defy him. When the fire of my character defects burn bright, God’s peace rises out of me and the physical world of people, places, and things take center-stage in my mind. POP! The egg is in the beaker!

I have found that by repeatedly working the 12 Steps with my sponsor and others, the breath of God flows back into me and like the air pushed the egg back out of the beaker, God’s presence pushes those things of my physical world out of the center of my being. Remnants do remain --this is my human condition. As they say in the program, “progress not perfection.” We will never be perfect. Being human doesn’t allow for it. It took me a long time and a lot self-loathing pain to learn this lesson.

If I tried to work this program on my own, I would have never been able to understand “how it works.” I would have “no clue!” But thanks to God’s loving grace, great science guys, I mean sponsors, and those who share their experience, strength, and hope in the rooms of the program, today, this is how it works for me:

Steps 1, 2, and 3 help me accept my powerlessness over the things of this world and acknowledge the One who has all-power, a God of my understanding. Step 4 and 5 help me become aware of my character defects. Steps 6 and 7 help me bring those defects to God and become willing for Him to remove them. Steps 8 and 9 help me rightly relate to others through a code of loving tolerance and forgiveness. Step 10 helps me stay current with Steps 4-9, Step 11 helps me access God from which my strength comes in order to work Step 12: being of maximum service to my fellows and “practice the principles of the program in all of my affairs.”

How "does it work" for you, today?

Food for Thought

If I were to tell you about bananas, assuming you have never tasted, touched, saw or smelled one, I may say the following:

Bananas are a type of fruit.  They are yellow and long with a smooth peel on the outside and an edible soft, mushy content on the inside. Bananas taste sweet and they smell like, well, bananas! I may go on to tell you about the history of bananas, where they’re grown, the nutrients they contain, the physical composition of a banana and so on.

However, if I told you where to get a banana for yourself and you took the action to go get one (i.e., work to make money to drive to the store to buy a banana) and then you held, examined, peeled, tasted, and smelled the banana, you would know more about the full nature of bananas than by what I could ever describe to you using words alone. In other words, personal experience far supersedes knowledge alone.

I think this is true with anything in life.  For example, I sat in meetings week after week and year after year and listened to others describe their experience with the 12 Steps of the program and never fully understood what they were talking about until I experienced working through them myself.  Thank God for those who taught me where to go and how to attain this experience.  But, like the banana analogy, I had to get off of my butt and take the action to get it.

Another great example for me is experiencing the presence of God.  No matter how hard I tried to understand what this may feel like, I never knew until I actually felt it myself.  And then to describe it to others seems just as futile as when others tried to explain their experience with God to me.  And unlike bananas, I can only experience parts of God's nature secondary to the confinements of space, time and my human limitations.

The Steps have helped to remove or lessen some of these limitations, which has helped me experience the presence of God more fully.  However, I know that only after all my limitations are removed and I have "graduated" from this life into the next, will I fully experience all aspects of God's nature.

Sunday 160 entitled "Hope"

photo credit

As gruesome as oil spilling into the sea is he who betrayed one for silver ten times three.

It seems,

from horrific means,

humanity gleans

the Creator’s dreams.

Want to try a Sunday 160?  Visit the Monkey Man for "Da Rules"

Reality Check

 "There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest (Big Book)"

"Honesty = truth = fact = reality (Marie)"

The trees and clouds you see in the pic below are actually a reflection on the surface of a lake.  You'll notice the plant along the bank of the lake (in the bottom right hand corner) is the same plant that's in the picture above.

One of the girls I sponsor decided to do some more experimenting. Why is it, after telling me that they don’t want to or can’t stay sober anymore, they add so sweetly, “…and I don’t want to waste your time” --like they are really concerned about me? I feel like saying, “How f---ing thoughtful of you!” But the truth is I appreciate their honesty and tell them if they find their way back to the program my phone is always available.

My nine year old daughter, who also has clinical depression, often feels responsible for my negative moods. It makes me sick to my stomach to know that she deals with some of the same crazy thoughts that I do. I feel like saying, “I know, baby, there is no hope for either of us.” But the truth is I get to know what she is going through and be the best example of the 12-step program I can be.

My husband has been more worried than usual about life stuff.  I feel like saying, “Wait a minute. You can’t get crazy on me because I am crazy enough for the both of us!” But the truth is even normal people like him feel the pain of fear and resentment.

It is a fact that I was relieved of the my obsession with self for long enough today to be there for my husband, my daughter, and for someone who no longer wants me to be there for her.

Honestly, I don’t know what else to say.