My Sober Week

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Communication Styles - Tricks Before Recovery versus Tools After Recovery

I haven't read any sober blogs in two weeks and I miss it!  I can't wait to catch up today.  I hope everyone had a blessed Holiday Season.  Mine was busy with God, family, gifts, food, shopping, decorating, cleaning, more family, more cleaning, and hanging out with my husband and kids. 

Last week we saw the movie, Tangled.  It is based on the story of Rapunzel, the princess with the long, golden hair.  "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair."  The movie was funny, adventurous, and dramatic.  I highly recommend it for kids and adults alike.

Communication Tricks Before Recovery


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I hate to admit it but the witch in the movie, who held Rapunzel hostage in a high tower for the first eighteen years of her life, reminded me of me!  The witch was nicey, nicey to every one's face and schemed and manipulated behind their backs.  If I was ever an expert at anything in my life, being passive-aggressive was it.  "Kill them with kindness" had a whole different meaning for me than I think it was meant to have.

I grew up with a aggressive father and a passive mother.  I picked up traits from both of them and ended up being a well-blended mix of both.  A mutt of unhealthy communication skills, if you will.  My bag of tricks contained all of the following:

• verbal attacks
• threats
• guilt trips
• silent treatments
• sarcasms
• cynicism
• negativity
• vengeful acts against people that may or may not know about them
• and most confusing to those around me, like the witch in the movie did, I was an expert at taking verbal jabs at others and quickly following them up with an innocent smile and a "I'm just kidding" lie.  I did this to express my anger but gave myself a way out in case they didn't like what I said.  Fear of what people thought of me played a huge roll in my unhealthy communication style.

Thinking about the way I was, let alone writing about it here, makes me cringe and feel a bit nauseous. 


Communication Tools In Recovery



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However, in the past few years I have learned new, healthier ways to communicate, including:

• beginning statements with "I" instead of "You."  For example, "I feel uncomfortable when you belittle her in front of me" rather than "You're so mean to her.  You're a jerk."
• avoiding all or nothing qualifiers such as "always" and "never."  For example, "I always do everything around here" or "I never get to do what I want."  For me, all or nothing statements are rarely true or simply gross over-exaggerations, which give the other person an opportunity to respond with specific examples that prove my statements false.  So, I try not to even go there.  Really, it is a subtle form of dishonesty.
• asking for help by admitting my limitations to others.  For example, rather than falling against the wall with the back of my hand to my forehead, giving my husband my best Scarlet O'Hara impression, and saying, "I do everything around here.  This house would fall apart if it weren't for me," I can instead say, "Hey, babe, I am feeling overwhelmed this week.  Could you help me by doing this, this, and this?" 
• which brings me to another facet about communication I learned in recovery:  PEOPLE CANNOT READ MY MIND.  Who knew?  I didn't.  I thought I knew what you were thinking and feeling so it stood to reason that you should always know what I thought and felt and what I wanted and didn't want.  It turns out that you don't know these things unless I TELL YOU.  Amazing!  Additionally, I don't know what you think, feel, want, or don't want unless YOU TELL ME.  What a revelation!  Better yet, what a relief!  Not to have to assume, guess, and feel responsible for anticipating your wants and needs is the most freeing thing in the world!  I never realized what hard work being a good codependent was until I stopped being one.

I still pull from my old bag of tricks when it comes to communicating with others, which invariably leads to chaos in my mind, my environment or both.  On the other hand, when I choose to pick up the tools of healthy communication, I give myself a real chance to experience peace of mind and true love of others.

What is your communication style?  How's that working or not working for you?

Happy New Year!

Fear of Pain - Hope that this is not His Will

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I wanted to write a quick post while I can.  This morning is the first time in the last three days I have been migraine-free.  I cannot put into words the pure hell and torture I have endured this week.  I have never experienced physical pain of this intensity except for during labor contractions, which only lasted a few minutes at a time.  The pain from these migraines lasted continuously for eight to twelve hours at a time. 

I am so afraid of it coming back.  All I can do is the footwork: pray, call my doctors and follow their advice and take care of myself by eating well, getting proper rest, and try to eliminate as much stress as possible from my life. 

I am so grateful for having friends and family, who are willing to help me, doctors who care about me, and a Higher Power, who loves me.  His will be done, not mine...  (surely, it is not His will for me to be in so much pain...but what do I know?)

Hope and Gratitude

As I come to the end of a rocky week, I reflect on the actions I have taken during the last few days, rather than how I have been "feeling"...

I have been:

Hoping and

• reading (need to read less fiction because it is becoming a form of running away for me, which allows me to block out my present surroundings)
• reading recovery-related material (looking for THE answer to relieve me of my suffering)
• praying (but not as much as usual because I am afraid of THE answer I may hear)

• eating better
• sleeping more
• taking my meds
• calling others in the programs
• talking with others in the programs

Grateful for getting to:

• read my youngest daughter a bedtime story
• help my older daughter put a picture of her hamster, who died on Monday, in a heart shaped locket that she wears around her neck
• watch a funny movie with my husband
• have the money to pay for a vet fee and medicine for my doggie who has ear infections
• listen to others in the program share their struggles with life... ever-reminding me that I am not unique

Screams, Surrenders, and Serenity

Something really cool happened to me this week.  I yelled and screamed and cried and dare I say cursed at God.  (doesn't sound very cool, but stay with me.) I took all of my anger about that which I am powerless over and brought it to the alter of the Lord with emotions raw and inhibitions gone.  I then dropped to my knees, my entire ugly human condition fully exposed, and begged God for mercy and grace and loving help.  I completely surrendered myself to Him in that moment.  You know what happened next?  He smiled joyfully at me and gave me a big spiritual HUG!

This is a big step for me, who, just a few weeks ago, took my anger about that which I am powerless over out on my husband by yelling, screaming, crying, and cursing at him.  Hubby can't handle that plus he's not my Higher Power.  I deeply hurt him and with God's grace I pray that I will never hurt him like that again.

God, on the other hand can handle me - He is the one I need to go to for Power and I believe that in going to Him with my ugliness first this week rather than to my husband, I was then able to later calmly express to my husband how overwhelmed I have felt this week and ask for his help with responsibilities around the house. 

Guilt, shame, and self-loathing keep me from being completely honest with others, especially God.  I am so appreciative of all His gifts (meaning everything good in my life) that I feel guilty to complain to Him about anything; I feel ashamed to express dissatisfaction about things in my life to Him; and I feel unworthy of what He has already given to me, so who am I to display anything but praise, glory, and gratitude to Him?  (Can you get an idea of how being abused for expressing negative feelings as a child growing up in a home with two alcoholic parents is still playing a role in my own disease?)

In recovery, I am learning to accept the fact that I am human, with negative human emotions, and human imperfections.  I can no longer hide my ugliness under the rug from God.  He knows about it anyway.  But, I can no longer pretend that I am not angry, anxious, and fearful about things in my life at times just because I am ashamed to admit that I do not fully trust Him 100% of the time.  100% of the time?  Why that is perfection!  And perfection is humanly impossible and I am sick and tired of beating myself up for not being something that is impossible to be - perfect.

I refuse to feign complete trust in Him to relieve my sufferings.  I ask Him for this relief, but always follow my request with "thy will, not mine be done."  My will would be to not be an alcoholic, have mental illnesses, and instead be joyful and serene 100% of the time. 

I do believe He has the power to relieve my sufferings but I am not so arrogant to believe that He will do it just because I ask Him for it.  I believe He does what is best for ALL involved, not just me.  The spiritual side of me is humbled and grateful for the opportunity to be used by Him, even for Him to use my suffering as a part in His divine plan.  The human, selfish side of me says, "This sucks, God, can't you do it some other way?"

So, basically, this week I told God that, "this sucks," but I will do my best to do my part, His will, anyway, because I have complete FAITH that He knows what is best.  He is THE director.  I am here to serve Him via the power and knowledge he chooses to gift to me at any given moment.  What a ride!

I am comforted by the fact that I am a work in progress.  I am reassured by many close to me and by my sense of the spirit during prayer and meditation that I am going in the right direction.  For me, that is an OK place to be.

"We may never get where we want to be, but we can always be grateful that we're not where we were." --Anonymous Recovered Alcoholic

Thanks for reading.  Loving you right where you are, too...

Compassion, Abuse, Love, Anger, and Gratitude - all in a sober day's work...

Life is going...juggling the girls' school work and extracurricular activity schedules keeps us busy most days.  Time alone is greatly enjoyed while they are off growing their brains.  My littlest one is in Kindergarten and today she was kicked by a boy who was angry about something unrelated to her.  She just happened to be sitting next to him during circle time and caught the brunt of his physical outburst.  At least once a week, she tells us about how he gets mad and kick books and desks, and requires disciplinary action quite often.  Thankfully, the school called me after my daughter got home to make sure that I knew what had happened in case she mentioned it, which she already had.

When my oldest was in first grade a few years ago, she was instructed by the teacher to hand out papers to the students who were sitting quietly at their desk first and then to the rest.  The boy who always got into trouble in her class was being rambunctious as usual that day and therefore, got his paper last.  Angrily he looked at my daughter and said, "I am going to kill you."  The really scary part is we live in one of the best school districts in the state; in a middle to upper class community and my girls attend one of the most sought out schools where teachers want to work. 

The school administrators and teachers are extremely responsive and supportive to the needs of children as well as the parents.  I am very grateful.  But, I am also saddened that kids so young are so verbally and physically abusive.  I wonder what happens to them at home.  What are they being allowed to watch on television?  Or worse, what is being done to them for them to act in such violent ways at such a young age?  And what was done to their parents for them to be teaching or modeling such behavior for their children? 

While I have empathy for these young boys and their obvious emotional troubles, the buck stops with the adults who are responsible for them.  I know they are probably doing the best with what they have as my parents did in the midst of their alcoholism but as an adult child of alcoholics I can choose a solution other than the one my parents chose during my childhood.  I can break the cycle of active alcoholism in my family, for the sake of my marriage and my children (and myself.)  However, I cannot do it alone. 

Through the power of God, which I can best access by working the 12 steps with others and continuing to share my experience, strength and hope as well as listen and learn from the experience, strength and hope of others, I can break the chains of alcoholism that bind, not only the alcoholic but the entire family, in prison cells of despair, loneliness, anger, and fear. 

Thanks to the grace of God I didn't drink today and was therefore, able to be a comforting and loving and fully present mother to my beautiful baby girl when she really needed her mommy's protective and unending devotion the most.  How precious and priceless the gifts of sobriety are!  My heart is overflowing with gratitude and humility for God and for his love for me, for my family, for all of us.

Sunday Gifts

Today we went to church.  My daughter sings in the children's choir and it is always a joy to see her be of service to God while doing something she loves so much.  She passed up an opportunity to join the choir at school but practically runs to church to sing.  I think that is so cool.  The affect singing in the choir at church has on her is nothing short of spiritual.  She gushes afterwards and can't explain what it does for her.  All she can say is she "just loves it!" 

This afternoon, I cleaned up the garage while my awesome husband watched football all day and night AND did ALL of the laundry.  Whooo-hooo!  This may seem like a great compromise but I can tell ya that, secretly, I think I came out way ahead on that deal!

I got to meet two newcomers at a meeting tonight.  One appeared pretty well-put-together on the outside.  The second one looked scared out of her mind.  When I was new I looked more like the second girl. 

I remember being in one of my first meetings and some guy saying to me that he was as scared as I looked when he was new, too.  And then he went on to share his experience, strength, and hope and I listened.  He identified with me first, which made it easier for me to identify with him.  And honestly, even though I only saw him that one time and couldn't tell you what he looked like, his words are still the only ones I remember from my first 30 days of meetings. 

I think God healed my spirit a bit that day.  And he did it through one soul identifying with another soul.  It is almost as if in that exchange of identification a bit of healing occurs instantaneously.

Now, after some time and good "training" in the program, I know to focus on the things I can identify with during meetings because in this process of identification I allow myself to be open enough to let God reach me and heal me through others.  In turn, I avail myself to be used by God to bring healing to others through continued identification. 

If I don't find some way to identify with others it's like I've closed one of two doors between their spirit and mine through which God travels to connect us in his healing love.  (The second door is the other person's to open or close.) 

For me, willingness, open-mindedness, honesty, humility, and love are all door stoppers which keep my door open.  Each time I lose one of these door stoppers, my door closes just a little bit more.  Sometimes I lose them all and that is very painful.  Thankfully, in working the 12 Steps with my sponsor, her and I can usually figure out which stoppers I am missing and get them back into place so that the grace of God can flow in and out of me like a cool breeze on a hot day.

"Baaawk!  We aren't anything alike.  Look at you, cleaning your blue feathers first.  Everyone knows you should clean the yellow ones before the blue ones! "

Rock Bottom

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Can you ever know the pain

Of a alcoholic man?

The torture that’s sustained?

No you never can

Unless you are another

Who has traveled down his path

And faced a demon’s brother

Alcohol’s full wrath

Drinks may come and go

Memories are left behind

Stuffed behind the door

In dark corners of your mind

Horrors pierce your thoughts

Blinding you with grief

Madness is being fought

And in drinking there’s no relief.

 

Written by Marie July 2004

Reality Check

My meditation reading yesterday talked about reality. The author, Karen Casey, writes:

Reality is not our bane but our gift. The particular reality perceived by any one of us is of special significance because in that reality are our lessons --the very lessons that will awaken us to the awareness that what life offers is just what we deserve, and more.

For most of my life I have been in denial of my own reality.  I have a “perceptual disease” meaning that my perception of reality is often misconstrued by my fears, insecurities, and ego.  In the past, my beliefs--based on false realities--often lead to resentments, irritability and discontent, which lead me to either use alcohol to escape the pain of these false realities or into the depths of depression and despair or both.   The program says, “our troubles are of our own making.”  How true this is for me!


A friend of mine once told me that when an interaction occurs between two people there are three sides to the story:

1. the first side is what one person says happened
2. the second side is what the other person says happened
3. and the third side is what really happened!

The 12 Steps also help me weed out self-centered thinking from reality and give me the actions to deal with reality no matter how difficult it is. 

I am so thankful for this program! I finally have a way to deal with life that won’t kill me in the end!

I can't. God can. I think I'll let Him.

My sponsor pointed out to me that I am “entering the stage that we call emotional sobriety.” I said, “What the heck does that mean?” She said, “You are finding out more about yourself so that you can change those conditions and causes that lead to your drinking.”

After reading some recovery literature, the following was revealed to me:

1) Repeatedly exposing myself to more stress than my mind and body could take because of my incessant demand for financial security and my perfectionist dream of being someone I‘m not = hospitalization for depression.

[I know it is not a coincidence that this was the quote for the day in my daily meditation book: “The battle to keep up appearances unnecessarily, the mask -- whatever name you give creeping perfectionism -- robs us of our energies.” ---Robin Worthington]

2) Explaining to my nine year old why I need to take rest breaks, take medication, talk to others, etc. -- in an attempt to prevent her from having an emotional bottom as bad as mine (i.e. playing God) -- not knowing that I was giving her too much information for her age, thereby encouraging the caretaker role she assigned to herself in this alcoholic family. Talk about AGONY!!! I was mortified when my sponsor pointed this out to me.

[Again, not a coincidence that this was the quote for yesterday in my daily meditation book: “One often learns more from ten days of agony than from ten years of contentment.” ---Merle Shain]


I want to experience serenity so bad. People in the program lovingly remind me that I can’t make it happen - I am powerless over EVERYTHING!  I am also told that it will happen in God’s time not mine, which is so exasperating to me right now.

So, I can’t make it happen and I can’t make God do it in my time. “What am I supposed to do?” I asked my sponsor. She said that I am like a broken egg right now and I am supposed to just sit in the mess and wait.  I have decided to follow her suggestion because, once again, I have run out of options and the pain is great enough that I am willing to go to any lengths for sobriety --emotional sobriety.

Today, because of the egg analogy, I keep thinking about the nursery rhyme, Humpty Dumpty.                               

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

(like my decents into the depths of alcoholism and/or depression)

All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty together again.

(no human power alone could restore me)

But, God could and would if I seek to do his will in my life.

(Steps 1, 2, 3)

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egg photo credit
Humpty Dumpty photo credit                                                                     

Reality Check

 "There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest (Big Book)"

"Honesty = truth = fact = reality (Marie)"

The trees and clouds you see in the pic below are actually a reflection on the surface of a lake.  You'll notice the plant along the bank of the lake (in the bottom right hand corner) is the same plant that's in the picture above.

One of the girls I sponsor decided to do some more experimenting. Why is it, after telling me that they don’t want to or can’t stay sober anymore, they add so sweetly, “…and I don’t want to waste your time” --like they are really concerned about me? I feel like saying, “How f---ing thoughtful of you!” But the truth is I appreciate their honesty and tell them if they find their way back to the program my phone is always available.

My nine year old daughter, who also has clinical depression, often feels responsible for my negative moods. It makes me sick to my stomach to know that she deals with some of the same crazy thoughts that I do. I feel like saying, “I know, baby, there is no hope for either of us.” But the truth is I get to know what she is going through and be the best example of the 12-step program I can be.

My husband has been more worried than usual about life stuff.  I feel like saying, “Wait a minute. You can’t get crazy on me because I am crazy enough for the both of us!” But the truth is even normal people like him feel the pain of fear and resentment.

It is a fact that I was relieved of the my obsession with self for long enough today to be there for my husband, my daughter, and for someone who no longer wants me to be there for her.

Honestly, I don’t know what else to say.

"Happy, Joyous, and Free"

As a virus invades my children’s tummies this week, I sit and wait…to hold back their hair, wipe their mouths, and tell them, “It’s ok.” God knows a few special people in my life do that for me when those spiritual viruses, such as anger, depression, and fear, grab hold of me. However, unlike my children, rest is not the answer for my viral woes.

When not in the throws of a stomach illness, my preschooler has a zest for life. She wakes up happy, plays nice, dances and sings all of the time, seeks to learn and understand how things work, gives hugs and kisses for no particular reason. She loves to cuddle, dress up, and fix her hair. She offers people, animals, and lady bugs unconditional love and attention. She never holds a grudge, laughs and wants others to laugh, too. She likes who she is, how she looks, and accepts how she feels. She is social, likes to visit people, likes people to visit her. She is a good helper, knows what she wants and mostly does what she is told, although usually in her time. She is relaxed, flexible, and easy going. She loves life!

I am so jealous! How do I get that way? Maybe, just maybe, I can do what she does to get what she has.

• Wake up (not come to).
• Play nice (not hard).
• Dance and sing (but not in the bars).
• Seek to learn and understand (not to teach and be understood).
• Give affection (without expecting any in return).
• Get dressed and fix my hair (even if I am not going out that day).
• Love (unconditionally).
• Avoid resentments (like the plague…or this stomach virus!)
• Laugh with others (not at them).
• Like who I am (flaws and all).
• Like how I look (let’s not go there!)
• Accept how I feel (even when it is crappy).
• Visit others (especially my parents).
• Invite others over to visit me (even if my house is dirty).
• Help others (again, without expecting anything in return - damn, that’s hard!)
• Know what I want (and accept that it probably isn’t what I need or what I will get)
• Do what I am told (if I believe it to be God’s will).
• Relax (without drugs or alcohol).
• Be flexible (without being a doormat).
• Be easy going (instead of going when things get difficult).

 That’s a tall order for a drunk like me!

Hello, my name is Marie...

Over the past few weeks, I have been learning about this whole blogging experience.  Do I blog?  Don't I blog?  Why blog?  Why not blog?  After some reflection, journaling, discussion with others, and of course prayer...well you can see what I have decided!

I want to thank my friend, Cindy, who after reading a sample of my emotionally raw writings, still wanted to be my friend and to the bloggers out there who have shown me by their posts and comments that the blogosphere can be as inviting, tolerant, and supportive as my favorite meetings.

Oh, how I squirm under the weight of these "newcomer" feelings!  I know it will get easier, so I guess I will just keep coming back!