I can't. God can. I think I'll let Him.

My sponsor pointed out to me that I am “entering the stage that we call emotional sobriety.” I said, “What the heck does that mean?” She said, “You are finding out more about yourself so that you can change those conditions and causes that lead to your drinking.”

After reading some recovery literature, the following was revealed to me:

1) Repeatedly exposing myself to more stress than my mind and body could take because of my incessant demand for financial security and my perfectionist dream of being someone I‘m not = hospitalization for depression.

[I know it is not a coincidence that this was the quote for the day in my daily meditation book: “The battle to keep up appearances unnecessarily, the mask -- whatever name you give creeping perfectionism -- robs us of our energies.” ---Robin Worthington]

2) Explaining to my nine year old why I need to take rest breaks, take medication, talk to others, etc. -- in an attempt to prevent her from having an emotional bottom as bad as mine (i.e. playing God) -- not knowing that I was giving her too much information for her age, thereby encouraging the caretaker role she assigned to herself in this alcoholic family. Talk about AGONY!!! I was mortified when my sponsor pointed this out to me.

[Again, not a coincidence that this was the quote for yesterday in my daily meditation book: “One often learns more from ten days of agony than from ten years of contentment.” ---Merle Shain]


I want to experience serenity so bad. People in the program lovingly remind me that I can’t make it happen - I am powerless over EVERYTHING!  I am also told that it will happen in God’s time not mine, which is so exasperating to me right now.

So, I can’t make it happen and I can’t make God do it in my time. “What am I supposed to do?” I asked my sponsor. She said that I am like a broken egg right now and I am supposed to just sit in the mess and wait.  I have decided to follow her suggestion because, once again, I have run out of options and the pain is great enough that I am willing to go to any lengths for sobriety --emotional sobriety.

Today, because of the egg analogy, I keep thinking about the nursery rhyme, Humpty Dumpty.                               

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

(like my decents into the depths of alcoholism and/or depression)

All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty together again.

(no human power alone could restore me)

But, God could and would if I seek to do his will in my life.

(Steps 1, 2, 3)

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egg photo credit
Humpty Dumpty photo credit