Sobriety, Emotional and Mental Disorders

Hello? -hello, hello {echoing}...

I am alive. Thank you to those who have inquired about my hiatus. Recovery is a peculiar thing. Being alcohol-free is not as free as it sounds. For me, it has cost the blissful ignorance I used to have about my true nature.

I have been coming to terms with some hard truths about myself. Some UGLY, hard truths, which I am processing through more so than ever currently. As a result, I have had to step back from blogging for a bit because I believe it is in everyone's best interest to not throw too much crap out into the world. There is enough as it is. And honestly (because it is an honest program, after all :), that is all I've had to offer lately. And ironically, because of the 12 step program, I know that only being capable of slinging crap is ok as long as it is done in a way that doesn't harm anyone, including the program, and as long as I keep using the steps as my solution.

It says in the Big Book, "there are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest." Friends, I am here to tell you that I have that capacity and therefore, I HAVE HOPE! As long as there is breath inside of me, I have hope.

And I will continue to offer my experience and strength to others. For now, however, I have not the strength to do it on this blog. I am leaning hard on those around me. They are sharing their strength with me. It IS "how it works" and it is a beautiful thing.

Sobriety and Life Tie the Knot

Sober living is hard, enjoyable, stressful, serene, tough, and simple.  How can it be so many opposing things?  It can for me because it is life, a mysterious experience of co-existing joy and sorrow, suffering and relief, pain and serenity.  It is real, it is now, and it is unpredictable.

I am going on seven consecutive weeks of family illnesses, snow days, holidays, birthdays, and crises - all the usual life events - with no end yet in sight.  I want to run away via the bottle, the car, or in my really low spots, death. 

Thank goodness God has other plans for me. Otherwise, I would be writing this drunk, from a deserted island, or not at all.

I have a lot to complain about…many things I don’t like but as my sponsor says, I “don’t have to like it.”  I also have a lot to be grateful for…many things that I do like…and when I focus on those aspects of my life I have a real chance at conforming to God’s will - staying sober, living with my family, and remaining alive.

How do I keep my focus on the positives?  I have only one answer:

by working the 12 steps:

1. Admitting my powerlessness
2. Believing God will restore me to sanity
3. Trusting in His will
4. Completing a thorough self-appraisal
5. Calling my sponsor/telling her everything
6. Being willing for God to improve my character
7. Asking Him to improve my character
8. Making a list of those whom I have harmed
9. Making amends when appropriate
10. Performing repeated self-appraisals
11. Praying and meditating
12. Practicing these principles in all areas of my life and carrying the message to other alcoholics through service work (going to meetings to share and listen, sponsoring other women, writing these blog posts, etc.)

A long time ago, life handed me a rope and sometimes I swing joyfully from it like a child and sometimes I am tempted to noose it and hang myself.  Right now, I am tying a knot in the end of it and hanging on…while God and those who love me stand underneath with open arms, waiting to catch me if I fall. 

What more could I ask for?

Responsibilities in Sobriety - Grumblings versus Gratitude

Responsibilities                                         Grumblings                Gratitude

1.  taking care of sick children
non-stop for the last two weeks:               -I am tired                -God strengthens me 
                                                                       -I miss quietness         -I'm not hungover


2.  leaving early to get coffee cups
for my home group meeting                          -I am tired                   -they trust me w/$
                                                                           -I don't do my         
                                                                            own shopping         -they trust me w/$


3.  taking a friend to a meeting weekly     -why doesn't she       
                                                                      ever offer to drive?   -I have a car and can
                                                                                                                  afford gasoline
                                                                                                                -I have friends


4.  taking care of the kids alone while
husband works sooooo much                    -did I mention that
                                                                     I am fricking tired?     -I have a husband
                                                                                                                 who works hard
                                                                                                                 for us


5.  taking care of myself
and others                                                -I don't feel like it                -I know how  

So Your Sober - Now What?

Live.

How?

Go to meetings to get a sponsor to work a 12-step program to improve your contact with God to help others.  Repeat.

Why?

It works for me.

Recovery Blogging and Anonymity - Is There a Problem?

What is your motivation for blogging about your recovery journey?

My motivation for blogging is simply to share my experience, strength and hope with those who still suffer, as I am called to do in Step 12.


What are your thoughts regarding the anonymity of yourself and others both online and off?

In my experience, many of the non-online recovery meetings I attend -- you know, the ones I actually have to get into my car, drive to, and see people face to face at -- have incorporated the following into their meeting format announcements on anonymity: "do not disclose what you hear here or who you see here without that person's expressed consent."

For example, even something as basic as me asking my sponsor who she saw at a meeting would result in this response from her: "you should have gone if you wanted to know." She's right.

I think it is never my place to disclose information about other people by any means (Internet, telephone conversation, email, etc.) in a way that will identify them to others who know them (even something as simple as their attendance at a particular meeting.)

Some bloggers write about the people they sponsor or people in their meetings (and even the details of what these people share in the meetings) and I literally cringe. I try never to do this. I try only to talk about me ("try" being the key word here.) 

On the other hand, maybe people have given these bloggers their permission to discuss their life on the blog. 

For me, blogging is no different than being in an open recovery meeting where anyone is invited to attend.  In both cases, my goals are the same: 

1. to share my experience, strength, and hope with others and
2. to try not to talk about other people and their stories 

However, my anonymity is greater protected online than at an open meeting because one, people know who I am at the meetings I frequent and two, if they don't know me they can obviously see what I look like. Neither is possible online because I do not use my real name nor do I post any pictures of myself or anyone I know.


Do you protect your anonymity online and if so, how?

In addition to not using my full name nor posting any photos of myself or those whom I know, I also have not told anyone who knows me in "real life" about this blog (including my program friends, my sponsor, the women I sponsor, non-program friends, family members -with one exception - etc.)

They all know that I do a lot of recovery reading online. They also know that I write a lot but do not know that one of the mediums I use when writing is a blog platform. My husband knows about my blog, he is the only one.

I also do not report specific details about meeting topics, days, times, and what I specifically said in a meeting or to another person.  I never know who might stumble across my blog and think, "Wow, (insert my real name) just said the exact same thing in a meeting last thursday that had the exact same topic.  Oh wow, this girl said these things in a meeting last thursday, too..." 

Maybe I am being paranoid but I haven't yet figured out how to conveniently block my IP address every time I comment on another blog.  I know that many stat counters track times and locations of visitors and so do the blog platforms when visitors leave comments. 

Therefore, it would not take much effort for someone to figure out a person's geographical location.  Although, maybe a lot of people don't know this and in that case, I am going to regret pointing it out!  :)


What do the 12 step programs say about online anonymity and how do you apply it to your Internet activities?

The literature of several 12 step programs states and I quote: "At this altitude (press, radio, films, and television), anonymity -100% anonymity - was the only possible answer. Here, principles would have to come before personalities, without exception."

It also says, "The promoter instinct in us might be our undoing. If even one ["self-appointed members presenting themselves as messiahs representing (the program) before the whole public"] publicly got drunk, or was lured into using (the program's) name for his own purposes, the damage might be irreparable." This is where more is being revealed to me.


"...self-appointed members presenting themselves as messiahs representing (the program) before the whole public..."

First of all, after my blog was up and going for several months, I all of the sudden got a weird feeling about identifying myself as a member of any particular 12 step program because it felt like my "promoter instinct" was kicking in...even though I had a disclaimer statement on my blog's homepage saying that I was in no way representing any 12 step program or any other organization as a whole, that my blog was simply my opinions, etc, etc,.

Nonetheless, I went back through almost 100 posts and changed any reference to any program name to the generic words, "recovery program" or "a 12 step program" because there are many different kinds of recovery and 12 step programs, not just the ones I am in. (I am still in the process of changing these references so if you come across one or notice that I slip one in by accident please let me know.) 

Now, I realize that it would not take much effort for someone to figure out which programs I am in based on what addictions I talk about on this blog but I am doing the best I can to not "promote" those programs by name.


"...was lured into using (the program's) name for his own purposes..."

Next, if my purpose for blogging becomes anything more than being available in a spirit of loving service to my fellows, then I know I should stop. This is why I do not have ads on my blog, for example.


"...publicly got drunk..."

Finally, "even if one publicly got drunk...the damage might be irreparable." Could this happen online? I guess if I wrote a blog post blog post while drunk and told everyone, "hey!  I'm drunk!"  hmmmm....
Any thoughts on this one?


12 step program statements specific to anonymity online

One of the 12 step program's statements on anonymity and internet websites clearly says that "as long as full names and photos are not used, the principles of anonymity are being upheld."

Here is another great reference:

GENERAL SOCIAL NETWORKING WEB SITES

MySpace, Facebook and other social networking Web sites are public in nature. Though users create accounts and utilize usernames and passwords, once on the site, it is a public medium where members and non-members mingle.  As long as individuals do not identify themselves as members, there is no conflict of interest. However, someone using their full name and/or a likeness, such as a full-face photograph, would be contrary to the spirit of the Eleventh Tradition, which states in the Long Form that, “…our [last] names and pictures as members ought not be broadcast, filmed or publicly printed.”  Experience suggests that it is in keeping with the Eleventh Tradition not to disclose membership on social networking sites as well as on any other Web site, blog, electronic bulletin board, etc., that is not composed solely of members, is not password protected or is accessible to the public.

Final Thoughts

In my opinion, any form a self-promotion (i.e., using full name, photo of self, making money, gaining favors, fame, or prestige in anyway) in conjunction with use of any program's name is a definite violation of its stated Traditions.  That being said, I have to remember that the programs themselves state that these Traditions are only "suggestions" (i. e., not laws.)

However, if someone is blatantly ignoring the suggestions on anonymity, I do believe that I have a responsibility as a member of such programs to humbly bring my concern to that person's attention for the sole purpose of helping the programs remain safe, anonymous havens for all those who need them. 

These traditions also teach me how to consider what is best for EVERYONE involved, not just myself, which is another reason to remain anonymous online and off. 


Finally, as with anything in life, I try to remember to work Step 3 and trust that God will safeguard these 12 step programs no matter how badly we may screw them  up! :)

Find Joy in Everyday Life

The past week has been productive and joyful. I have been working on some projects, Christmas shopping, and reading. We put up the Christmas tree and decor around the house. My five-year-old daughter came home from school the day my husband strung the colorful lights along the outside of our home and exclaimed, “The Christmas lights are up…this is the best day of my life!”

She reminded me that the little things in life make it great. The big things make it wonderful, too. My wedding day and the days my children were born were some of the best days of my life. However, the excitement of those days fade as time goes by and those memories do not sustain my joy for life indefinitely. I must find joy in living every day, one day at a time, in order to be able to claim that life is good.

The most effective way for me to find joy in everyday living is by working the 12 Steps. Following the suggestions outlined in these steps brings my will in line with God’s will without fail. The steps pave a path that leads me to the two reasons for which I believe that I exist:

1. To attain and maintain conscious contact with God

2. To be of service to others

I find joy during the process of achieving these two purposes. Where do you find joy these days? Is it a fleeting joy or one that permeates each day of your life?

Remain Thankful and Still on Good, Bad, and Hectic Days

My week has been good, bad, and hectic.  It has been good because fundamentally, life is good.  My kids have been off school since Tuesday for the Thanksgiving holiday, which is good because we have been able to spend quality time as a family together…bad because they are kids and therefore, get on my nerves after awhile!

I caught an upper respiratory infection on Wednesday, which was bad.  I am finally starting to feel well again, which is good.  I missed my home group meeting this week because my daughter got sick, which was bad.  I chaired a closed women’s meeting at a treatment facility this week. That was good.

I have chaired or spoke at this meeting several times over the last few years.  Since Thanksgiving was this week, I was surprised at how many inpatients were there.  I left there feeling very grateful…grateful because I got to leave and spend the holiday with my family instead of staying there under lock and key…and grateful because I went there to share a solution while they were there due to living in the problem.

I spent Thanksgiving Day visiting extended family members, which is sometimes very stressful, sometimes a little stressful, and always hectic.  On a scale of 0-10 with 10 being extremely stressful and 0 being stress-free, I rate Thursday’s visit as a 4...not too bad!

Yesterday’s activities consisted of an early morning follow-up visit with the doctor, taking care of the kids while hubby worked all day, then dinner and movie that night with the kiddos, which was hectic.  Today we visited family again (Yikes, twice in one week!)  It was another 4 on the stress scale - not bad!

I am looking forward to getting back into our routine next week, which means things will not be as hectic…hopefully.  I am ready to sloooooowwww down.

This Thanksgiving week, I am most grateful for the fact that whether my days were good, bad, or hectic mattered little to my level of serenity.  The only variable that truly affects my serenity is my conscious contact with my Higher Power.

Thankfully, I took several moments each day to rest in the peace and stillness of His presence.  It is the most beautiful place I have ever been.  I pray for this for you and that I am able to continue to experience the power of Step 11 all the days of my life.

Thank you for reading and for sharing your experience, strength, and hope with me!

"Be still and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10)

Thankfulness for Prayers and Footwork

I am so grateful to read the comments from fellow migraine sufferers.  Thank you.  Your words make me feel less alone.  The good news is my doctor has discontinued the medicine that didn't allow me to take any Alleve, which is the only thing I have found to work on my migraines.  My blood pressure has been high, but we (meaning my doctors and me) are not sure if this is due to the pain of the migraines or if the high blood pressure has been causing the migraines.  In other words, which comes first...  So, now that the migraines are back under control I get to start monitoring my blood pressure for the next few weeks to see if it runs high on a regular basis (even when I am feeling well.)  More footwork...

One of the greatest things the 12 Step program teaches me is that I am not going to get what I need without doing a little footwork first.  I spoke with two different women this week (both in the program) in the midst of my excruciating pain and cried,

"What am I supposed to do?  I keep praying and praying to God to help me accept this or to take it away, whatever His will may be." 

They both responded by reminding me that I have to take action (in addition to prayer) in order for God's will to be carried out.  The action I needed to take was to call my doctors immediately and tell them what I was going through and insist that something be done rather than suffer until my next scheduled appointment. 

I am learning little by little to take care of myself in ways I never had to before all of these physical and mental ailments developed.  I am starting to love myself enough to say,

"Hey!  It is not ok for me to be this sick.  I want to get better.  I want to be well.  I want to be - dare I say it - happy!" 

My whole life I have been so critical of myself that deep down I thought I didn't deserve to be happy.  I thought I was such a horrible person that I probably should suffer.  I was damaged goods...the child of two alcoholics, an alcoholic myself with mental disorders, a failure as a mom and wife, friend, and daughter.

In reality, I am not any of those things.  I am just one of God's kids, who was raised by a couple of God's other kids who made mistakes.  I am just one of God's kids, who is raising a couple more of His kids, and making mistakes of my own (although, thanks to the program, I am making fewer mistakes than my parents did, which is progress...I will not reach perfection in this life.)

Making mistakes doesn't mean I am a failure but rather a human being.  Being human doesn't mean I am a bad person but rather a flawed person.  Unfortunately, being flawed means I will experience physical, mental, emotional and spiritual pain and maladies.  Only when my soul is freed from the physical confinements of my body and mind via death of said body and mind at God's discretion, will I be totally free of the pain and suffering of this world.

In the meantime, I plan to continue to work the 12 Steps of the program because I have found this to be the only path to experiencing little pieces of peace and freedom for which my soul so greatly longs.  There are countless paths out there but for many alcoholics like me, the 12 Step path is the only one that works (if we work it!)

Today I am working it by:

• getting on my knees and praying the 3rd and 7th Step prayers and the Serenity Prayer
• sharing the message through this blog post
• sharing the message at my homegroup meeting tonight
• serving as my group's treasurer tonight
• meditating to improve my conscious contact with God as I understand Him
• being as honest, open minded, and willing as I can be
• talking with my sponsor and with women I sponsor
• and staying sober for one more day

Hope and Gratitude

As I come to the end of a rocky week, I reflect on the actions I have taken during the last few days, rather than how I have been "feeling"...

I have been:

Hoping and

• reading (need to read less fiction because it is becoming a form of running away for me, which allows me to block out my present surroundings)
• reading recovery-related material (looking for THE answer to relieve me of my suffering)
• praying (but not as much as usual because I am afraid of THE answer I may hear)

• eating better
• sleeping more
• taking my meds
• calling others in the programs
• talking with others in the programs

Grateful for getting to:

• read my youngest daughter a bedtime story
• help my older daughter put a picture of her hamster, who died on Monday, in a heart shaped locket that she wears around her neck
• watch a funny movie with my husband
• have the money to pay for a vet fee and medicine for my doggie who has ear infections
• listen to others in the program share their struggles with life... ever-reminding me that I am not unique

Drug Court, 12 Step Meetings, and Questions

I chaired a few meetings recently and was surprised at the large number of attendance sheets I was asked to sign for people mandated by the court system to attend 12 step meetings.  Whatever it takes to get them there, I guess.  I hope they stick around after their "sentence" is up. 

I recently stopped hearing from a girl after her "sentence" was up.  It is very exhausting sponsoring someone who just gets a sponsor because it is one of the conditions of her drug program.  I don't know anything about how all of that works.  I was asked to be of service in the program, so I said yes, as I was taught to do early in recovery.  I think it is a good suggestion. 

Plus, I said yes with an open mind and heart.  I can't judge someone's intentions right away (although I had some suspicions based on her actions.)  Nonetheless, I gave her the benefit of the doubt.  I am sorry for her that she isn't ready yet.  I still think about her and pray for her.

Back to the topic of signing these sheets (which are usually given to the chair person before the meeting starts and they are signed and returned to the individual after the meeting is over.)  I ran into three scenarios that I wanted to put out there in hopes that those of you who chair meetings and sign these sheets will give me some feedback on what you would do in these situations:

Scenario 1:  After the conclusion of a large meeting, a man brings his sheet to me and asks me to sign it.  Since there were so many people at the meeting, I don't remember seeing him.  Would you sign it if you are not sure if he was there or could have just wandered in after the meeting was over while everyone was up visiting, walking around, and cleaning up?

Scenario 2:  On another man's sheet he lists all the meetings, with their respective dates, times and group numbers, he's been to in the last week and the chair person's signature is next to each meeting he attended.  I notice that my group's number is listed from the previous week's meeting, which I chaired, and there is a signature present next to this entry, but not my signature and I know in my heart he was not at that meeting because he is one that I notice is there each time he comes.  Would you call him out on it?

Scenario 3:  So, I have 10-15 people coming up to get their sheets after the meeting is over and I don't know who is who and some don't even have their names on them.  So, I say - "which one is yours?" and they tell me and it is confusing and chaotic and one guy says, "this one is mine" and he grabs another one and says, "that's my friend's, I'll take his, too."  Would you say, "I'll give it to your friend, where is he?"  or just let it go, knowing that his friend probably isn't even there?

Thanks for your perspectives.

I asked for it!

"Be careful what you pray for..." 

I have been asking God to show me how to truly love others; without conditions, without expectations, and to give of myself in service out of love alone.  I had the opportunity twice in the last three days to be of service in a true spirit of love.  My motives were good.  It felt wonderful.  I was so excited until...

One of my little acts of service did not go as planned.  I started a task to help my darling husband out and when I didn't have what I needed to finish I blamed him for it and had the audacity to then say if he would have done it himself in the first place this never would have happened.  My sick mind thought, "This is what I get for trying to be nice."  OMG!  Talk about a major backfire!

I was never more ashamed and disgusted with my behavior as I was after this happened.  But guess what?  I didn't drink over it.  Instead I used the Steps of the program to admit my powerlessness over my craziness, asked God to restore my sanity, turned my will over to him once again, completed an inventory of the situation (but skipped over step 5 and didn't talk with anyone about it before making amends, which came back to bite me.)  However faltering, I did make amends to my husband (Steps 8 and 9.) 

God revealed to me just how very ugly and angry I can be, which I am grateful for because it has brought me to a level of humility and surrender to be entirely ready to have these defects of character removed (Step 6.) (What I am not grateful for is the pain it caused my husband.  However, I do not know God's plan for him and maybe God will use this to help him grow, if he is willing.  But, that is none of my business.) In Step 7, I will humbly ask God to remove these shortcomings and if it is his will, I have hope that he will indeed show me how to truly love others. 

I wish it didn't have to been done this way but for this alcoholic, it does:  God has to show me my character defect at its worst so that I can work the Steps to ready myself for its removal.  I am guessing only after its removal will he then show me how to truly love because how can true love of others co-exist with the kind of anger I had in me yesterday?  I don't think it can. 

I have heard it said many times that we can't grow without first experiencing pain; we can't learn without first making mistakes.  These statements have been true in my life and this week was another great lesson.  What I am learning is that no matter how horrible I can act, God still loves me, which means I should still love me.  If I can do that, then no matter how horrible other people act, I can still love them.  And therein lies the meaning of the true love I asked God for in the first place, which is why I wrote (tongue-in-cheek) at the beginning of this post:

"Be careful what you pray for..."  because you just might get it --  Thank God!

"Keep It Simple"

(I was planning on writing about this slogan and was pleased to see that Brian M. said it was one of his favorites, too!)

This slogan has been really important for me for the last year.  My illness demands that I keep my days simple or else I suffer from migraines, fatigue, irritability, and depression.  Unfortunately, the demands of motherhood and sponsorship don't always allow me to keep it simple.  The last two days have been an example of that, which is why I didn't post anything yesterday. 

Even with God's strength and practicing the 12 Steps in all of my affairs, my physical and mental limitations still control my life.  I am powerless.

I don't think God interferes with the natural order of things.  Therefore, I am no longer angry with him for not relieving me of these limitations.  Instead, I accept them and have learned to be grateful for them since they ultimately bring me to my knees and back to the one who has all power -- God.

I thank God for the pain and suffering I experience due to my illnesses (alcoholism included.)  For it is in this suffering that I am learning the true meaning of humility.  And in the state of humility is where I find peace and serenity. 

photo credit

Thank you to the following bloggers for submitting some of their favorite recovery slogans:

Just For Today, HOW (Honesty, Open minded, Willingness), and HALT (don't get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired)  from  Izzy @ Conversing

Keep Coming Back from  dAAve @ higer powered

ACE (Accept, Change, or Eliminate) from BRB at Notes from the BRB Queen

Let Go and Let God from steve at STEVERONI'S BLOG

F.A.I.T.H. (Finally Allowing It To Happen) from Jeremy at Half measures avail us nothing

How Important Is It?  from Syd at I'm Just F.I.N.E. -- Recovery in Al-Anon

Keep It Simple from Brian M. at The Three Legged Stool

How we feel vs. what we know - One Day at a Time

Sometimes I hear just what I need to hear not during a meeting but before or after a meeting.  Before my last homegroup meeting, a man I know walked in and sat next to me.  I said, "Hi, ______.  How's it going?"  He said, "Good."  (pause)  "I guess."  I said, "You guess?"  He said, "Well, I know everything is how it's supposed to be."  He smiled and looked straight into my eyes when he said that and I nodded and smiled back.  We both knew that we completely understood each other.

The program has taught us that what is going on in our life and how we feel about it is not what is most important. What is important is that we believe God is in charge, which means "everything is how it's supposed to be." 

I don't know the details of what is going on in this man's life but I know he's ok.  And I know I am ok because I am like him.  Life can be good, bad, or indifferent.  Doesn't matter.  If I trust in God, clean house, and help others "one day at a time," I believe life is always how it is supposed to be at any given moment.  We are all ok.

A Week of Virtues - Day 2 - Honesty

Honesty Definition:  Truthful; sincere; not lieing or cheating.

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.

~Groucho Marx

In recovery, the hardest truth I have had to face thus far, and by face I mean admit to and accept (not like), is that I am selfish and self-centered in most everything that I do and think.  There is not one action that I take at any given moment that does not have a selfish motive behind it.  These actions may also have unselfish motives behind them along with the selfish one.  But the selfish ones can always be identified if I am willing to be honest with myself.  Does being selfish make me a bad person?  I don't believe so.  Does it make me a human being?  Absolutely.   

For example, why do I try to fix other people's problems?  Because I love them and I want them to experience happiness?  Yes. 
 
I used to stop there thinking I was doing a good thing by trying to help others with their problems.  However, by working Step 4 of a 12 Step recovery program I now know that I try to fix other people's problems in an attempt to control them so that not only they feel better but so that I FEEL BETTER, too!  And working the rest of the 12 steps with a sponsor has taught me how I can be happy whether other people are or not.  What a gift! 
 
Why do I try to help other alcoholics?  Because I am called to do so by God and by Step 12 to be of service in the spirit of unconditional love?  Absolutely.  Do I also do it because I know it will greatly increase my chances of staying sober, thereby being able to lead a happy life?  You bet! 
 
For me, the most devastating lies are the ones I tell to myself, including but not limited to:
I'm not an alcoholic.
I can handle this.
I should know better.
I can do anything I put my mind to.
I'm fine.
I know what I am doing.
 
What are some ways in which you are dishonest with yourself or others and what is your solution?

We tell lies when we are afraid... afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. But every time we tell a lie, the thing that we fear grows stronger.

~Tad Williams

Honesty plants seeds of pain which grow into beautiful blooms.   ~Marie

L. Annual Honesty (Lunaria annua) is a tall (height about 1 m), hairy-stemmed biennial plant native to the Balkans and south west Asia, and naturalized throughout Europe, North America, and parts of Asia. It has large, pointed oval leaves with marked serrations. The common name "Honesty" arose in the 16th century, and it may be due to the translucent seed-pods which are like flattened pea-pods and borne on the plant through winter. In South-East Asia and elsewhere, it is called the Money Plant, because its seed pods have the appearance of silver coins. In the United States it may also be known as "Silver Dollars," also because of the seed pods. In Denmark it is known as Judaspenge and in The Netherlands as Judaspenning (coins of Judas), an allusion to the story of Judas Iscariot and the thirty pieces of silver he was paid.  From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

photo credit

A Week of Gratitude - Day 6

A man needs self-acceptance or he can't live with himself; he needs self-criticism or others can't live with him.

~James A. Pike

Today I am grateful that in recovery I am learning:

~ about myself

~ how to detach with love

~ about acceptance

~ how to apply the 12 Steps to all areas of my life

~ how to love and accept myself

~ how to forget myself in order to serve others without expecting anything in return

~ for giving me a direct path to God

I do not know what I may appear to the world; but to myself I seem to have been only like a boy playing on the sea-shore, and diverting myself in now and then finding a smoother pebble or a prettier shell than ordinary, while the great ocean of truth lay all undiscovered before me. ~Isaac Newton

A Week in Gratitude - Day 4

Illness is the most heeded of doctors: to goodness and wisdom we only make promises; pain we obey.

~Marcel Proust

Today I am grateful for:

~ pain that moves me to ask for help not death

~ doctors who help heal my body and mind

~ friends who help heal my soul

~ most importantly, God, who places these helpers in my life so that when He places me in the life of others, I will be able to serve

A bodily disease, which we look upon as whole and entire within itself, may, after all, be but a symptom of some ailment in the spiritual part.

~Nathaniel Hawthorne, The Scarlet Letter

photo credit

Angel of the Waters, Central Park

Bethesda Fountain is the central feature on the lower level of the terrace, constructed in 1859-64, which is enclosed within two elliptical balustrades. The pool is centered by a fountain sculpture designed by Emma Stebbins in 1868 and unveiled in 1873. Stebbins was the first woman to receive a public commission for a major work of art in New York City. The bronze, eight-foot statue depicts a female winged angel touching down upon the top of the fountain, where water spouts and cascades into an upper basin and into the surrounding pool. It was the only statue in the park called for in the original design. Beneath her are four four-foot cherubs representing Temperance, Purity, Health, and Peace. Also called the Angel of the Waters, the statue refers to the Gospel of John, Chapter 5 where there is a description of an angel blessing the Pool of Bethesda, giving it healing powers. In Central Park the referent is the Croton Aqueduct opened in 1842, providing the city for the first time with a dependable supply of pure water: thus the angel carries a lily in one hand, representing purity, and with the other hand she blesses the water below. The base of the fountain was designed by the architect of all the original built features of Central Park, Calvert Vaux, with sculptural details, as usual, by Jacob Wrey Mould. In Calvert Vaux and Frederick Law Olmsted's 1858 Greensward Plan, the terrace at the end of the Mall overlooking the naturalistic landscape of the Lake was simply called The Water Terrace, but after the unveiling of the angel, its name was changed to Bethesda Terrace.Source: Wikipedia

What's Your Problem?

photo credit

I have been looking forward to having some down time this week since the kids went back to school.  But, alas...a minor playground injury on the first day of school, my oldest now home running a fever (unrelated to the playground incident), plus a husband who's been home sick for the last few days makes for a busier, more stressful week than normal.  It just goes to show that I can never be sure about how absolutely opposite my days can turn out to be from what I expected.  And there in lies my problem:  Expectations! 

Before learning how to "live life on life's terms" from people in the program, I would have used all of the unexpected events this week as reasons to drink.  Feeling stressed out and tired, I would have said, "I deserve to get drunk after taking care of everyone all week."  (I play a great martyr!)  Feeling angry about the week not going as I planned followed by feeling guilty for being angry that my family got sick (like they can help it!), I would have drank to drown those feelings away.  I drank a lot in order to escape from my feelings, especially anxiety, anger, and guilt.

During my first few years in recovery, I thought I wasn't going to feel angry, anxious, or guilty anymore.  I thought life was supposed to get easier and that I would magically be happy all of the time.  Then I learned, as it says in the Big Book, my "liquor was but a symptom."  My real problem is the way I think.  When my thinking is out of sorts, my feelings are soon out of control, usually followed by harmful behavior. 

Later, I learned more about identifying my feelings and experiencing and processing them in the safety of the rooms of the programs and in the arms of my sponsor rather than running away from them.  I learned, through working Steps 4 and 5 again, how my thinking problem (not drinking problem) caused these feelings to grow out of control.  I learned, through working Steps 6 and 7 again, how God can change my thinking so that my feelings stay in check instead of intensifying to levels that cause me to behave in ways that are harmful to myself and others.  I have to let go of all of my old ideas and allow God's ideas (or will) to take their place. 

Take this week for example.  When taking care of all the sickies around me, I have to remember (or be reminded by my sponsor) to let go of the idea that I am Super Mom.  When I can let go of this idea then I am less likely to become overwhelmed.  When I am not overwhelmed, I am better able to quiet my mind and when I am able to quiet my mind, I have a greater chance at consciously connecting with God (Step 11).  This conscious contact with my Higher Power gives me a feeling of peace I cannot describe except to say, it gives me the strength I need to continue to be of service (Step 12), which I believe is God's idea. 

I just realized that in this case, my idea and God's idea are the same:  for me to be of service.  Actually, this is probably God's idea in all cases. (Yikes!) 

Excuse me while I take a quick intermission to process a spiritual awakening...

OK, I'm back. 

As I was going to say, my "Super Mom idea" means I am trying to serve others on my own power.  God's idea means my service to others is fueled by the power that I receive from Him.  Let me think...my power versus God's power... It's a no brainer, right?  I mean, DUH!!!  When I put it that way, I feel Super Silly to even think about doing anything on my own power.  But, like I said before, my real problem is the way I think.

Love to you all.

Growing Pains

photo credit

I am still thinking about the wonderful time we had with friends last week.  Long days spent out on the boat, laughing, relaxing, swimming, skiing.  Summer is coming to an end around here.  The kids start school tomorrow.  I am looking forward to some alone time in the house each day.  I spent a lot of time yesterday doing laundry, cleaning, taking care of a sick child, and catching up from being out of town.  Today, I am exhausted and barely had enough energy to fill out a few forms the kids need to take to school.

I don't know who out there has ever dealt with clinical depression but for me, the most frustrating part is the unpredictable energy highs and lows.  There is no rhyme or reason to them.  I have notebooks filled with logs tracking my sleep schedule, my stress level, my medication schedule, my food intake, how many meetings I attended that week, my husband's work schedule, the time of day, the time of year, and other female-specific cycles, all in an attempt to gain some sort of control over my moods and energy levels.  The most useful information I have gained from all of it comes down to what time of the year it is and my stress level (meaning how many demands are being placed on me or how many I place on myself.)

For the last three years, the seasonal pattern has been depression during the fall and winter and as spring approaches, my mood swings upward into some mania and by mid-end summer I am on my way down again.  I am hoping this fall will be different since my stress level has been significantly reduced by the fact that I no longer work outside the home.  Last summer I was forced to quit due to my deteriorating mental health.  I know that I am doing what is best for me and my family right now and that being at home is God's will for me.  In fact, his will for me was to stop working long before I did.  Counselors, friends, and doctors all told me I needed make major changes in my life to reduce my stress.  I didn't listen because I am defiant and think I know what is best.  What a lesson in humility this past year has been.

I am still healing from the damage I caused my mind and body by ignoring the will of God. The support of friends, family, people in the program, working the 12 steps, the talents of excellent doctors and counselors, and ultimately, the grace of God have all helped me this past year, which has been the most traumatic year in my six years of sobriety. 

For me, life didn't get easier when I quit drinking.  Life got harder because I started changing and growing.  They're called growing PAINS for good reason --they hurt!  I am still growing and hurting, some days more than others.  Today, I know God will use me and my painful experiences to be of service to others and for this I am so grateful.

I am grateful to be sober and alive.  I hope you are, too.

Sunday Gratitude

Today I am thankful for (in no particular order of importance):

• the opportunity to share my story at a meeting this weekend
• the blisters on my hand reminding me that I finally finished cutting and pulling the weeds in my new garden area
• the opportunity to spend time with my kids today even if we do stuff they want to do rather than what I want to do
• my plans to go to my home group meeting tonight
• once again, air conditioning ( 100 degree weather here )
• having a relationship with God

I am never sure when I share my story if I help anyone or not.  Thankfully, this is not a worry of mine (anymore) because I have learned in the program that I am only responsible for taking the action and that the outcome is none of my business.  What a freedom!  So, with tongue-in-cheek I end this post with the picture below.  Happy Sunday, everyone!

Beakers, Eggs, Me, the World, and God

An empty glass beaker… Is it really empty? What about the air inside of it? How can one prove the presence of air inside of an empty glass beaker? At a child’s birthday party, the “Science Guy” asked the kids these questions. He said, “Can I pour the air out, pull it out, spoon it out?” Then he said, “What if I tried to push a hard-boiled egg into the beaker?” He tried but the egg didn’t budge because of the air inside the beaker. Next he asked the kids, “How can I get some of the air out to make room for the egg?” They had no clue. Then he showed them by lighting a strip of paper, dropping it into the beaker, and placing the egg on top. The fire heated up the air causing it to rise out of the beaker and POP! --into the beaker that egg was sucked! This created lots of “ooohs” and “aaahhs” in the room.

Then Science Guy asked, “How can I get the egg out without breaking the glass?” Again no one had a clue. So, he showed us by tipping the beaker upside down and blowing air into it and can you believe it worked? I was as amazed as the kids! Most of the egg shot out in large mangled pieces and the few bits that remained fell to the bottom of the beaker.

Science Guy caught my attention right at the beginning when he asked the kids how they could prove to him that there was air inside the beaker if it we can’t see it, hear it, smell it, taste it, or feel it, dump it out, spoon it out, or pull it out. I thought, “Wow, that sounds like proving the existence of God.” Then my silly little mind compared the whole darn experiment to my spiritual program.

So, I am the beaker (don‘t laugh! In reality, I am more the shape of an hour glass, but I digress), the egg is the physical world, the air is God, the flame is my character defects, and blowing air into the beaker is like working the 12 Steps of the program. Oh, and I almost forgot a very important element: Science Guy is like a sponsor.

You must know, however, that my spiritual experiment with the 12 Steps is far, far, far from being as valid and reliable as that of Science Guy's egg and beaker science because unlike the laws of physics, God allows me to defy him. When the fire of my character defects burn bright, God’s peace rises out of me and the physical world of people, places, and things take center-stage in my mind. POP! The egg is in the beaker!

I have found that by repeatedly working the 12 Steps with my sponsor and others, the breath of God flows back into me and like the air pushed the egg back out of the beaker, God’s presence pushes those things of my physical world out of the center of my being. Remnants do remain --this is my human condition. As they say in the program, “progress not perfection.” We will never be perfect. Being human doesn’t allow for it. It took me a long time and a lot self-loathing pain to learn this lesson.

If I tried to work this program on my own, I would have never been able to understand “how it works.” I would have “no clue!” But thanks to God’s loving grace, great science guys, I mean sponsors, and those who share their experience, strength, and hope in the rooms of the program, today, this is how it works for me:

Steps 1, 2, and 3 help me accept my powerlessness over the things of this world and acknowledge the One who has all-power, a God of my understanding. Step 4 and 5 help me become aware of my character defects. Steps 6 and 7 help me bring those defects to God and become willing for Him to remove them. Steps 8 and 9 help me rightly relate to others through a code of loving tolerance and forgiveness. Step 10 helps me stay current with Steps 4-9, Step 11 helps me access God from which my strength comes in order to work Step 12: being of maximum service to my fellows and “practice the principles of the program in all of my affairs.”

How "does it work" for you, today?