Emotional Sobriety

Thank you for the response to my last email.  I have decided for now to continue posting here since I feel this is the best way to reach those individuals specifically in recovery or interested in recovery.

Today I am going to talk a little about emotional sobriety.  Emotional sobriety involves having peace of mind regardless of what is going on around you.  It involves maintaining a clear head, and trusting in the process of life - "living life on life's terms."  Accepting what you cannot change.  Having faith.  Taking a deep breath and not flipping out when things don't go your way or when you become fearful or worried.

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Feelings are not facts.  Feeling a certain way does not mean that in reality things are going the way I think they are.  For example...

Last night I became extremely fearful of some things that were upsetting my daughter at her school.  I feared that she was being exposed to unfair and possible cruel acts by her teacher.  I feared that her emotional development was being compromised.  I feared that I wasn't doing a good job at protecting her from a teacher who doesn't know how to relate to kids in a positive, supportive manner.

I took a deep breath after listening to her concerns and went to a meeting.  Talked about it at the meeting and decided to bring my concerns to the school director the next day.  Sounds simple and mature and emotionally sound enough, doesn't it?

Well, what ended up happening is I got home and went to discuss my fears and how upset I was with my husband and the first thing he said that I didn't agree with launched me into a rage of blaming him for not supporting me, not seeing things my way, for not wanting her to take this class to begin with.

My fears escalated to not knowing what to do, not being able to handle this on my own, to going crazy with worry about the whole situation.  I ended up saying things to him that I regret and later had to make amends for my hateful words.  All based on fear.

The facts are my daughter is safe, my husband supports me, I am not a bad or neglectful mother, and I don't know for sure how this teacher really is.  I do know how she is making my daughter feel, however, my daughter's feelings may not be facts either.

Couple all this with the fact that I was physically ill all day with a migraine and dealing with my other daughter's science project challenges at ten o'clock at night (which had me already frustrated with my husband for not helping her while I was gone) and its no wonder I lost control of my emotions.

The bottom line is sometimes things like this just happen.  Sometimes we can't keep it together.  Sometimes we don't even know how stressed we are until we explode.  If I hadn't been sick earlier in the day, I would have had more "spiritual time" to myself and been better prepared to handle the stressors that evening.  If I would have know that my husband was going to use "tough love" on my procrastinating daughter by not helping her with her science project, I would have stayed home from my meeting. 

All of this makes me realize that my daughter's complaints about her teacher, while upsetting to her, and therefore to me, would have been easier to handle had I been more spiritually fit that day.

Today, I will spend extra time with my meditation books, I will get a nap in, I will take some extra quiet time to myself, I will write, and pray, and do all the things I normally do to prepare myself for the upcoming evening when everyone gets home.

Emotional sobriety for me includes recognizing that I am human and will make mistakes and forgiving myself for them.  It means that when I am sick, tired and lonely, I will be more suseptible to emotional binges like last night.

Sometimes these things catch up with me before I realize it.  But when I look back on the situation I find there are ways I could have prevented the emotional upset I caused myself and others.  Different choices I could have made.  And just knowing this gives me hope for the future.

I can learn and do things differently next time.  "Progress not perfection" is what I have been taught.  Watch out for "HALT" (being hungry, angry, lonely, and tired) and "Easy Does It."

Any thoughts? 
 

Alcoholism and Mental Illness: A Double Edged Sword

“To be a good and genuine follower of Christ, there is no need of great things—it is enough to have the common, simple and human virtues, but they need to be true and authentic” ~ Pope John Paul II

The last two months have been up and down but constantly busy. I hit a depressive bottom a few weeks ago that had been building up for about a month.


I have noticed a pattern of late…every few months I suffer from a depressive episode followed by a month of euphoria and lastly, a slow decline into the next depressive state. Up and down, up and down. Such is the life of living with bipolar disease or alcoholism or both.


I discussed the challenges of having both mental illness and alcoholism with a couple of ladies in the program, who have both, and in our experience it is a pain in the butt!


There are some who will say that the two illnesses are one in the same; that as one’s spiritual condition improves the mental twists of these diseases will subside. In my experience, this is true for alcoholism but not always for bipolar depression.

I had a sponsor who did not suffer from depression in sobriety and therefore, couldn’t understand the mental and physical anguish I was experiencing at the time. She implored me to “get out of myself” and do more service work, to work harder on the steps, especially one through three, to get out of my self-pity, make gratitude lists, and go to more meetings.


I did these things and I continued to deteriorate until I tried to take my own life – after years of sobriety. Why? Because I became hopeless. I became hopeless because I was doing all of the things that make a “normal” alcoholic’s spiritual life blossom into a beautiful garden of serenity. Because I was doing what she was doing and it wasn’t having the same effect on me as it was her.


When I came to the rooms of this 12 step program I had lost all hope, I had hit bottom, I was out of answers. I found hope again by working the 12 steps of the program. I was amazed, grateful, humbled, and relieved. I finally found a way to connect with my God and I finally felt peace. I finally felt like I had a purpose in life – like I belonged here. I finally felt that sense of ease and comfort as I placed myself in the hands of my Creator by doing what was suggested to me; by doing what worked so well for others.

So, three years later when these solutions kept working for those around me and they no longer worked for me, I lost all hope once again. I hit another bottom. Alcohol definitely stopped working for me but how could a spiritual program of love and service stop working? I was devastated, in disbelief, terrified, and more hopeless than I had ever been while still drinking. (Even writing about it now literally takes my breath away.)


Now, almost four more years later, I continue to hit emotional bottoms every few months. I continue to ride the roller coaster of mental illness, which has many of the same strange and peculiar mental twists as alcoholism but in my experience, is not as easily managed by spiritual improvement alone.


The book tells me that alcoholism is a mental obsession and a physical allergy. The 12 steps removed my mental obsession for alcohol, which in turn, significantly reduces the chances of me drinking and activating the physical allergy.


Mental illness is not a mental obsession perse nor is it a physical allergy of some sort. It is a medical disease based mostly on the imbalance of certain chemicals in the brain. For many who have both mental illness and alcoholism, medication, the 12 steps, counseling at times, and a number of other interventions are needed. For many of those who are strictly alcoholic, the 12 steps are enough to recover.


Mental illness is real. Alcoholism is real. They both hurt. They both kill. They both affect all aspects of one’s being, physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. However, not everyone who has mental illness is alcoholic and not everyone who is a sober alcoholic has mental illness (in the brain chemical imbalance sense.)


Therefore, when I am having trouble coping with life and someone’s tells me to work the steps harder, get out of myself, stop feeling sorry for myself, make gratitude lists, help others, go to more meetings and I do take these actions yet continue to get worse, I know that I need to call a professional in for help.


If I do what is suggested to me and my condition improves then yay! for the steps and this wonderful program for alcoholics (I repeat, “this program for alcoholics” not this program for alcoholics with bipolar depression.)


Now, I can hear some of those in my meetings saying, “You’re not unique. Don’t single yourself out. You’re not different.” These statements are true in and of themselves, however, I think many people use them out of context. After all, don’t we say that we can’t drink like normal people? Aren’t our bodies and minds different than that of the average social drinker? And for goodness sakes, our own Grapevine is singling out alcoholics who are also gay, in their current issue. Why then, can’t my body and mind be different than the average or normal alcoholic?


In summary, I want to reiterate for myself a few things that I have learned over the past couple of years:

1. don’t lumped people into a big category pot with cookie cutter solutions
2. don’t assume that I know best about what someone needs to do just because it worked that way for me
3. don’t forget that we are all individuals with particular needs that only a Higher Power knows how to fulfill and sometimes He does so through the minds and actions of those outside of the program (i.e., medical professionals, clergy, spouse, non-alcoholic friend or family member)
4. don’t assume that every solution lays at the end of improving my spiritual condition but that it may be possible for the improved spiritual condition to be but the beginning of a road that leads me to the tangible solutions my Higher Power wants to bring me to (i.e., medication, counseling, major life-style changes, etc.)
5. be humble and try to remember that I don’t know anything as far as what is best for me, you, or the man on the moon
6. ask for help
7. easy does it
8. don’t quit before the miracle happens (or after it happens because for me, the need for and the appearance of subsequent miracles continues on and on, up and down, etc., etc.)

quoteflections: Gratitude is not for Wimps

quoteflections: Gratitude is not for Wimps: "A team of psychologists is researching the science of gratitude and collecting evidence that it enhances one's quality of life. 'Far from ..."

Ok, all you program people - you have got to read this.  My only comment is that I am glad the medical field is finally catching up with what us drunks learned a long time ago.  Geesh!  Just another thing to be grateful for, right? ;)



Here are some highlights from Paul C.'s (blog author over at quoteflections) post:

"Far from being a warm, fuzzy sentiment, gratitude is morally and intellectually demanding, it requires contemplation, reflection and discipline. It can be hard and painful work." ~ Professor Robert Emmons, one of the study's researchers.

Damn right it's hard and painful work!!! (<-----that comment is mine.)


Additionally, Paul C. writes:

"In (Emmon's) book he discusses 10 strategies to cultivate gratitude which include keeping journals, remembering the bad, learning prayers, appreciating one's senses, going through the right motions which will lead to positive emotions."


This just gave me a chuckle - in a good way - as well as made me grateful that people, both in the rooms of recovery and in the normal world, continue to spread the message about the benefits of an "attitude of gratitude."


One last thing...I just recently found Paul's blog and I thoroughly enjoy it.  quoteflections is "a regular eclectic mind fix," as stated in its subtitle. 

Thanks, Paul.  I am grateful for you and your blog!

Find Joy in Everyday Life

The past week has been productive and joyful. I have been working on some projects, Christmas shopping, and reading. We put up the Christmas tree and decor around the house. My five-year-old daughter came home from school the day my husband strung the colorful lights along the outside of our home and exclaimed, “The Christmas lights are up…this is the best day of my life!”

She reminded me that the little things in life make it great. The big things make it wonderful, too. My wedding day and the days my children were born were some of the best days of my life. However, the excitement of those days fade as time goes by and those memories do not sustain my joy for life indefinitely. I must find joy in living every day, one day at a time, in order to be able to claim that life is good.

The most effective way for me to find joy in everyday living is by working the 12 Steps. Following the suggestions outlined in these steps brings my will in line with God’s will without fail. The steps pave a path that leads me to the two reasons for which I believe that I exist:

1. To attain and maintain conscious contact with God

2. To be of service to others

I find joy during the process of achieving these two purposes. Where do you find joy these days? Is it a fleeting joy or one that permeates each day of your life?

Hope and Gratitude

As I come to the end of a rocky week, I reflect on the actions I have taken during the last few days, rather than how I have been "feeling"...

I have been:

Hoping and

• reading (need to read less fiction because it is becoming a form of running away for me, which allows me to block out my present surroundings)
• reading recovery-related material (looking for THE answer to relieve me of my suffering)
• praying (but not as much as usual because I am afraid of THE answer I may hear)

• eating better
• sleeping more
• taking my meds
• calling others in the programs
• talking with others in the programs

Grateful for getting to:

• read my youngest daughter a bedtime story
• help my older daughter put a picture of her hamster, who died on Monday, in a heart shaped locket that she wears around her neck
• watch a funny movie with my husband
• have the money to pay for a vet fee and medicine for my doggie who has ear infections
• listen to others in the program share their struggles with life... ever-reminding me that I am not unique

My Higher Power, My Actions, and Miracles

I have a story to tell you…about a woman who is very close to me.  I have known her my whole life and our relationship is was dysfunctional.  (She, the victim and me, her rescuer.)  In the last few weeks, God has given me the power to stop rescuing her.


For example, when she asked how I was doing, instead of lying and saying “fine,” I told the truth, which brought about fear and anxiety in her.  I talked to my sponsor about it and prayed about it and the guilt that I used to feel for thinking that I caused worry and grief for someone did not appear.  It did not appear because the lesson I learned in the program about not being responsible for other people’s happiness finally made its way from my head to my heart.

A week later, I asked her not to talk about my story with others in front of me as if I am not even there, as she often does since I have been in recovery.  I set a boundary, which brought about fear and anger in her.  She lashed back at me with her words.  The guilt appeared inside of me and I questioned whether I had caused her harm. Therefore, I prayed about it and talked with my sponsor about it.  I was relieved to find out that I did the right thing and did not owe amends.


A few days later, a situation arose that would have normally ensued manipulative and guilt-ridden questions from her.  She stopped in mid-sentence of her first question and paused…I kept silent but was thinking to myself, “please, don’t you dare go there…”  She tried to start her question over, “Why didn’t you….” Again, she paused.  My silence persisted.  We both knew what she wanted to say.  Instead, however, she ended up saying words that I have never heard come out of her mouth, “Well, I guess it is none of my business.”  “OK,” I said with a smile and we moved on to other topics.


God restored me to sanity by relieving me from a seriously dysfunctional role that I have took part in my whole life.  I feel so free!  This miracle would have never happened if it wasn’t for taking the action these 12 step programs call for and for trying, however falteringly, to practice these principles in all of my affairs.

I am reminded of a recovery slogan I have heard a hundred times in the last four years:  “Let it begin with me.”   I am filled with gratitude and joy that this lesson, too, finally made its way from my head to my heart.

Thank you for reading and I hope that you share your miracles with me, too.

Fighting Friggin' Fatigue

Varying degrees of anger, all along the continuum from being minorly irritated to outright enraged, has been attacking my serenity for the last two weeks like guerrilla warfare - taking me by surprise, but quickly retreating seconds after it hits me. 

I am angry about the powerlessness I have over my fluctuating energy levels and moods swings.  As far as I know, I am doing everything I know of to take care of myself except one thing:  Get a regular sleep schedule established.  The biggest obstacle for me is that I don't want to go to bed at a decent hour.

And really that is what it comes down to - like a bratty, little kid - "I DON'T WANT TO!"  Now for those of you who care to know why I'll tell you what I think, but I could be BS-ing myself and just haven't come to realize it yet.  I have learned from experience that I do this to myself often.  But, for now, this is "my story and I am sticking to it" until God reveals more to me, which I know He will.

I don't want to go to bed and get the amount of sleep my body really needs because I enjoy the quietness at night - after everyone else has gone to bed - too much.  During this time, my mind is most creative and reflective.  During the day my body is so busy taking care of day-to-day routines, I know my mind is on auto-pilot.  It is only when there is no child needing their mommy and no husband needing his wife, that I can most comfortably and completely relax and feel peace.  And I love it so much that I just can't bring myself to end it by going to sleep. 

Messed up, huh?

(big sigh)

That's me.  But that's OK.

Today, I am grateful:

• that I don't have to be perfect
• that God loves me no matter what
• that I have a bed to sleep in and a roof over my head
• that I have children and a husband who love me and I them
• for the daily routines that I "get" to do (as opposed to "have" to do)
• for God's grace, which is the only thing removing that anger I mentioned above so quickly - with no effort on my part except to trust God, clean house (not literally, BTW, but spiritually), and help others one day at a time
• that this program IS working in my life, little by little, in God's perfect timing

Love you all.

"Keep It Simple"

(I was planning on writing about this slogan and was pleased to see that Brian M. said it was one of his favorites, too!)

This slogan has been really important for me for the last year.  My illness demands that I keep my days simple or else I suffer from migraines, fatigue, irritability, and depression.  Unfortunately, the demands of motherhood and sponsorship don't always allow me to keep it simple.  The last two days have been an example of that, which is why I didn't post anything yesterday. 

Even with God's strength and practicing the 12 Steps in all of my affairs, my physical and mental limitations still control my life.  I am powerless.

I don't think God interferes with the natural order of things.  Therefore, I am no longer angry with him for not relieving me of these limitations.  Instead, I accept them and have learned to be grateful for them since they ultimately bring me to my knees and back to the one who has all power -- God.

I thank God for the pain and suffering I experience due to my illnesses (alcoholism included.)  For it is in this suffering that I am learning the true meaning of humility.  And in the state of humility is where I find peace and serenity. 

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Thank you to the following bloggers for submitting some of their favorite recovery slogans:

Just For Today, HOW (Honesty, Open minded, Willingness), and HALT (don't get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired)  from  Izzy @ Conversing

Keep Coming Back from  dAAve @ higer powered

ACE (Accept, Change, or Eliminate) from BRB at Notes from the BRB Queen

Let Go and Let God from steve at STEVERONI'S BLOG

F.A.I.T.H. (Finally Allowing It To Happen) from Jeremy at Half measures avail us nothing

How Important Is It?  from Syd at I'm Just F.I.N.E. -- Recovery in Al-Anon

Keep It Simple from Brian M. at The Three Legged Stool

What's Your Problem?

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I have been looking forward to having some down time this week since the kids went back to school.  But, alas...a minor playground injury on the first day of school, my oldest now home running a fever (unrelated to the playground incident), plus a husband who's been home sick for the last few days makes for a busier, more stressful week than normal.  It just goes to show that I can never be sure about how absolutely opposite my days can turn out to be from what I expected.  And there in lies my problem:  Expectations! 

Before learning how to "live life on life's terms" from people in the program, I would have used all of the unexpected events this week as reasons to drink.  Feeling stressed out and tired, I would have said, "I deserve to get drunk after taking care of everyone all week."  (I play a great martyr!)  Feeling angry about the week not going as I planned followed by feeling guilty for being angry that my family got sick (like they can help it!), I would have drank to drown those feelings away.  I drank a lot in order to escape from my feelings, especially anxiety, anger, and guilt.

During my first few years in recovery, I thought I wasn't going to feel angry, anxious, or guilty anymore.  I thought life was supposed to get easier and that I would magically be happy all of the time.  Then I learned, as it says in the Big Book, my "liquor was but a symptom."  My real problem is the way I think.  When my thinking is out of sorts, my feelings are soon out of control, usually followed by harmful behavior. 

Later, I learned more about identifying my feelings and experiencing and processing them in the safety of the rooms of the programs and in the arms of my sponsor rather than running away from them.  I learned, through working Steps 4 and 5 again, how my thinking problem (not drinking problem) caused these feelings to grow out of control.  I learned, through working Steps 6 and 7 again, how God can change my thinking so that my feelings stay in check instead of intensifying to levels that cause me to behave in ways that are harmful to myself and others.  I have to let go of all of my old ideas and allow God's ideas (or will) to take their place. 

Take this week for example.  When taking care of all the sickies around me, I have to remember (or be reminded by my sponsor) to let go of the idea that I am Super Mom.  When I can let go of this idea then I am less likely to become overwhelmed.  When I am not overwhelmed, I am better able to quiet my mind and when I am able to quiet my mind, I have a greater chance at consciously connecting with God (Step 11).  This conscious contact with my Higher Power gives me a feeling of peace I cannot describe except to say, it gives me the strength I need to continue to be of service (Step 12), which I believe is God's idea. 

I just realized that in this case, my idea and God's idea are the same:  for me to be of service.  Actually, this is probably God's idea in all cases. (Yikes!) 

Excuse me while I take a quick intermission to process a spiritual awakening...

OK, I'm back. 

As I was going to say, my "Super Mom idea" means I am trying to serve others on my own power.  God's idea means my service to others is fueled by the power that I receive from Him.  Let me think...my power versus God's power... It's a no brainer, right?  I mean, DUH!!!  When I put it that way, I feel Super Silly to even think about doing anything on my own power.  But, like I said before, my real problem is the way I think.

Love to you all.

My Tuesday Hangover

Yesterday we spent the day with the kids out in 100 degree temperatures at a water park.  Everyone had a great time, however, I am paying for it today.  Fatigue, muscle aches, and joint pains kept me from doing anything today, except lay on the couch.  I knew before we left yesterday that I would probably feel like this today, but that knowledge didn't stop me from staying out in the heat too long, climbing hundreds of steps, bouncing off water slide after water slide, walking barefoot from ride to ride for seven hours straight and completely enjoying the day with my family. 


I used to drink knowing I would pay for it the next day.  But that knowledge never stopped me from staying up too late, drinking too many beers, glasses of wine, shots of whatever anyone was buying, and smoking too many cigarettes for eight hours straight and blacking out or, if I was lucky, passing out. 


The difference is I spent a day living life on life's terms yesterday rather than running away from reality via the bottle.  Today, I do not owe anyone an amends due to my actions yesterday.  I remember what happened yesterday.  I was fully present to give of myself in love and service yesterday.  I was able to play a role in a fun, healthy, positive family experience thanks to God and 12 step programs and the women in those programs who showed me by their words and actions how to be a responsible and loving member of recovery groups, member of my family, and member of society.  I am one of many - no longer trying "to struggle to the top of the heap or hide underneath it." (12 Steps and 12 Traditions of AA, page 53.)


Today, my greatest desire is to be in the "heap" where ever God wants me doing what ever He wants me to do even if it is merely laying on the couch and not feeling guilty for taking care of myself.

We are not a Glum Lot

"We are not a glum lot" is a quote from Alcoholics Anonymous big book.  I forget to use this slogan in my daily recover quite often.  As, a child of alcoholics, I have learned that I take myself too seriously most of the time.  I worry too much about doing things right, being perfect, especially when it comes to my role as a mom, wife, and sponsor.  My anxiety comes from a fear of not doing or saying the right thing and of disappointing others or causing them harm.  I am very hard on myself.  So, in light of bringing some humor to my day today, I feel a nudge to tell you about two different conversations I had with my five year old daughter recently.

While eating corn on the cob at dinner:
Daughter:  Mommy, how do they get the corn to stay on the cob?
Me:  It just grows that way, honey.
Daughter:  I think they glue it on.

While brushing our teeth this morning:
Daughter:  Mommy, why is that thing hanging down in the back of my mouth?
(She was referring to her uvula and I honestly, I didn't know what it's function is until I looked it up)
Me:  I'm not sure.
Daughter:  I think it is there so the food can go down one side and the water goes down the other side.

Makes sense to me - LOL!

Also, did you know that some people pierce their uvula? 

Now that's funny.

I also feel nudged to tell you about dAAve's blog, which gives me daily doses of humor.  Thanks, Dave!

I am grateful that I don't have to take myself so seriously all of the time.  I am grateful that I have friends that remind me.  Easy Does It... 

Vacation and Alcoholism

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When we checked into the hotel, the desk clerk said, “Blah, blah, blah and the pool hours are blah, blah, blah.  You can park blah, blah, blah and HERE ARE YOUR DRINK VOUCHERS, GOOD FOR SIX FREE ADULT BEVERAGES PER NIGHT FROM OUR BAR.”

My first thought was, “Wow, funny how that got my attention.”  My second thought was, “It’s a shame those will go to waste.”  My third thought was, “I can’t pass up all those free drinks.”  My fourth thought was, “Hubby won’t even use them.”  (He's practically a non-drinker, but not an alcoholic.)  My fifth thought was, “These are crazy thoughts!”

So, there you have it folks.  Six years into sobriety and I can go from zero to crazy in five or less consecutive thoughts!  Does this mean I am not working a good recovery program?  Does this mean that the suggestions I follow are bogus?  Does this mean I am doomed to drink again?

Naaaahhh.  It just means I am an alcoholic. 
So, what happened to those crazy thoughts I was having in the hotel lobby this week?  I told someone about them ASAP and then they went away.  Then I continued on for the rest of the week taking the actions necessary to improve my spiritual life so that, God-willing, the next time (and there WILL be a next time) I find myself having those thoughts, I will stay sober for one more day, one day at a time.

I am so grateful to be sober today.  God is good!

Beakers, Eggs, Me, the World, and God

An empty glass beaker… Is it really empty? What about the air inside of it? How can one prove the presence of air inside of an empty glass beaker? At a child’s birthday party, the “Science Guy” asked the kids these questions. He said, “Can I pour the air out, pull it out, spoon it out?” Then he said, “What if I tried to push a hard-boiled egg into the beaker?” He tried but the egg didn’t budge because of the air inside the beaker. Next he asked the kids, “How can I get some of the air out to make room for the egg?” They had no clue. Then he showed them by lighting a strip of paper, dropping it into the beaker, and placing the egg on top. The fire heated up the air causing it to rise out of the beaker and POP! --into the beaker that egg was sucked! This created lots of “ooohs” and “aaahhs” in the room.

Then Science Guy asked, “How can I get the egg out without breaking the glass?” Again no one had a clue. So, he showed us by tipping the beaker upside down and blowing air into it and can you believe it worked? I was as amazed as the kids! Most of the egg shot out in large mangled pieces and the few bits that remained fell to the bottom of the beaker.

Science Guy caught my attention right at the beginning when he asked the kids how they could prove to him that there was air inside the beaker if it we can’t see it, hear it, smell it, taste it, or feel it, dump it out, spoon it out, or pull it out. I thought, “Wow, that sounds like proving the existence of God.” Then my silly little mind compared the whole darn experiment to my spiritual program.

So, I am the beaker (don‘t laugh! In reality, I am more the shape of an hour glass, but I digress), the egg is the physical world, the air is God, the flame is my character defects, and blowing air into the beaker is like working the 12 Steps of the program. Oh, and I almost forgot a very important element: Science Guy is like a sponsor.

You must know, however, that my spiritual experiment with the 12 Steps is far, far, far from being as valid and reliable as that of Science Guy's egg and beaker science because unlike the laws of physics, God allows me to defy him. When the fire of my character defects burn bright, God’s peace rises out of me and the physical world of people, places, and things take center-stage in my mind. POP! The egg is in the beaker!

I have found that by repeatedly working the 12 Steps with my sponsor and others, the breath of God flows back into me and like the air pushed the egg back out of the beaker, God’s presence pushes those things of my physical world out of the center of my being. Remnants do remain --this is my human condition. As they say in the program, “progress not perfection.” We will never be perfect. Being human doesn’t allow for it. It took me a long time and a lot self-loathing pain to learn this lesson.

If I tried to work this program on my own, I would have never been able to understand “how it works.” I would have “no clue!” But thanks to God’s loving grace, great science guys, I mean sponsors, and those who share their experience, strength, and hope in the rooms of the program, today, this is how it works for me:

Steps 1, 2, and 3 help me accept my powerlessness over the things of this world and acknowledge the One who has all-power, a God of my understanding. Step 4 and 5 help me become aware of my character defects. Steps 6 and 7 help me bring those defects to God and become willing for Him to remove them. Steps 8 and 9 help me rightly relate to others through a code of loving tolerance and forgiveness. Step 10 helps me stay current with Steps 4-9, Step 11 helps me access God from which my strength comes in order to work Step 12: being of maximum service to my fellows and “practice the principles of the program in all of my affairs.”

How "does it work" for you, today?

Are You Self-Supporting?

Above:  Two minutes before the meeting is supposed to start, the dude on left says, "Hey, my speaker isn't here."  Dude in the center says, "That's a bummer.  I gotta run to the restroom."  Dude on the right thinks, "Maybe if I don't make eye contact he won't ask me to step in and speak."

I spoke at a meeting on Tradition Seven, “every group ought to be self-supporting, declining outside contributions.”  Ironically, I haven’t been able to work in many months and have been anything but self-supporting monetarily speaking.  However, I have learned that monetary contributions alone do not sustain 12-step programs.  Service work is vital to the longevity of these programs.  Groups do not hire outside people to come in and set up chairs and tables and make coffee before the meetings.  Group members do it.  Groups do not hire outside individuals to chair meetings or give speeches or presentations.  Group members are the chairpersons and speakers.  We support ourselves by doing the work ourselves, not just by throwing a buck or two in the basket every week.

Would there be anything inherently wrong with someone outside of the program volunteering to help or wishing to make a monetary donation?  Probably not.  Except that we run the risk of being indebted to or at least influenced by the agenda of such individuals, whether it be religious, political, or social to name a few.  I am so grateful that the founders of these programs had the foresight to such risks and thus, put this Tradition in place.  12-step programs have, do, and will continue to save too many lives to take such a risk, wouldn’t you agree?

I thought about this Tradition as it relates to my life outside of the rooms of the program (as I was taught to do.)  While I haven’t been able to contribute to our household income lately, in the spirit of Tradition Seven, I perform service work daily (i.e., cleaning, cooking, laundry, raising kids, pet care.)  My kids have assigned chores around the house and my husband helps with all of the aforementioned plus provides financially for our family.  We are a self-supporting family.  As in the program, it is important to the survival of our family that we each do our part.

Then I thought about how this Tradition relates to me as an individual.  How do I support myself, my physical, emotional, and spiritual needs?  This is the stuff that no amount of money can buy!  Do I take care of my body, take the medicines my doctor prescribes, exercise regularly, eat healthy, get enough sleep?  Do take care of my emotional health by asking for what I need, setting boundaries with others, accepting what I can’t change, changing what I can, and depending on God for peace and happiness rather than on those around me?  Do I take care of my spiritual needs by “practicing the principles of the program in all my affairs” and spending quality time in daily prayer and meditation?

The short answer all of those questions is that I try to do these things to the best of my ability with varying degrees of effort depending on whether I am in self-will or in line with God’s will.  My experience has been that when I perceive the effort as great, then I am probably in self-will.  When the effort appears minimal, I am usually in line with God’s will. 

"There is a Solution"

I met some wonderful women at D.’s memorial service.  We spent a few hours visiting with one another and D.’s family and “normal” friends and then we went out to eat for dinner together.  The fellowship at dinner was more nourishing for my soul than the delicious food was for my body.  I love hanging out with women in recovery. We still know how to laugh, act silly, and have a good time!  I felt like I’ve known them all forever even though this was the first time we had met.


One of the greatest gifts of the program that I have received is the connection I feel with other women in recovery.  I no longer feel unique, alone, or different from everyone in the world.  These women are just like me and I like them.  I belong somewhere -at last!  What a blessing it is to be a part of a group of men and women who experience the same distorted thoughts, the same crazy chaos, and who also share the same solution found in working the 12 Steps.

I realized this past week that the people in recovery are my family.  Except for my husband and children, the rest of my relatives have become acquaintances.  My mind tells me that this is not the way it should be.  But, I am learning that my mind usually doesn’t know what it is talking about because it has a disease called alcoholism, which is a “cunning, baffling, and powerful” disease.  It will tell me anything to steer me away from the one thing that will keep me alive -- 12-Step programs.

 

One Day at a Time

I haven't been feeling well the last few days -sore throat, achy body, fatigue.  When I am physically sick, irritability and downright crabbiness fill my spirit.  Picking fights with my husband, avoiding demanding kids, and agonizing over the guilt that follows describes the self-inflicted prison in which I spent the 4th of July weekend.  While my family went off to a holiday get together, I spent last night home alone.  I rested in prayer and quiet listening which renewed my spirit (Step 11 at work.)

My sponsor reminded me today that we don't do well when physically ill.  Also, I know many alcoholics, like myself, that can handle a crisis with ease while the day to day events of normal life (whatever that is) can leave us feeling crazy.  I know the effects of my day to day happenings on my serenity are so subtle at times that I end up feeling "irritable and discontent" without knowing why.  How frustrating this is!  This disease is truly "cunning, baffling and powerful.". 

My sponsor assures me that continued work on the Steps of the program will fine tune my ability to maintain serenity in the midst of everyday life.  "It gets better," is her common response to my whiny complaints.  Thank God I believe her.  This faith in God and in the program gets me through another day -One Day at a Time.

"We are more likely to drink over a broken shoe lace than over the death of a loved one." - Anonymous recovered old timer 

Celebrating an Average Day

I am having an average day, which is a good thing for me.  Not to be in the tar pit of depression nor the electric charge of hypomania is nice for a change.  For today I am level, even.  I haven't been able to say that in over two years!

The symptoms of mental illness have been indescribably difficult for me to experience on a daily basis for most of my life.  I know the current reprieve is temporary and that is ok.  Thanks to the "one day at a time" slogan of the program, I am better able to stay in the moment and enjoy the gifts of the present.  Thanks to the 12 Steps, I have a relationship with God that has brought me through the worst major depressive episode I have experienced yet.  And when this medication stops working after a while (like the others), I have faith that God will bring me through the pain once again.

As always, at least I didn't have to drink over it and that, my friends, is a miracle!

"I want every girl in the world to pick up a guitar and start screaming." ~ Courtney Love

Two years ago my husband bought a guitar for me because I told him that I wanted to learn how to play one.  I still do.  I messed around with it a few times when I first got it but had trouble even getting my hand position correct on the strings.  Every time I pressed down to strum a cord it would make that horrible ping-sound, which let me know that my fingers were touching adjacent strings.  Plus, after trying for a short while, my finger tips became so tender and painful that I just gave up. 

So, there ya go, Ms. Courtney Love...this girl picked up a guitar and screamed!  (Probably not what she had in mind.)

Needless to say, for the last two years, I have looked at that guitar everyday on its stand in the corner of my room and thought, “I really want to learn how to play that thing.”  But the frustration and pain from my early experiences at tinkering with it keep me from trying again.  Instead of the quaint little hobby, I once thought it would be for me, it has become a monster challenge that intimidates me more than rationally appropriate.

I want to take lessons but our current budget doesn’t have room for the cost.  I have inspected a couple of self-lesson books and online resources that only leave me feeling more overwhelmed.  Maybe it isn’t the time to learn this skill.  Maybe enjoying the beautiful music of someone else playing the acoustic guitar is enough.  After all, buying a music CD is definitely simpler than learning to play the instrument myself!

What’s that I feel?  Oh, yes…those little pangs of jealousy.  “Other people can play the guitar, so by golly I will, too!” is what my crazy mind tells me.

I think recognizing and enjoying the talents of others without coveting their skills is a lesson that I am still learning.  I often want more than my “fair share in life.”  (I think that quote is either from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous or the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions book but I can’t find it at the moment. Does anyone know?)

(As a side note, I just spent the better part of an hour scanning the first 164 pages of the Big Book looking for this quote.  Yes, it is a fact that I am NOT yet cured of my obsessiveness and perfectionism.  However, I was inspired to slow down and read more thoroughly when I got to the chapter, We Agnostics, where I saw so many things I needed to be reminded of today --unrelated to my guitar woes, by the way-- Thank you, God. Thank you, blog!)

For now, I will let the guitar sit and collect dust until the struggle between what I want to do and what I am able to do dissipates.  In the meantime, I will “stop fighting anyone or anything” --including that silly guitar!  I will instead bask in the “sunlight of the Spirit” as I “trudge the Road of Happy Destiny.”

(Above quotes taken from the book, Alcoholic Anonymous, 4th ed., pages 103, 66, and 164, respectively.)   Hey, I just read the whole thing…I had to throw in a couple of good quotes!