Acceptance Check

Not accepting my limitations and the limitations of others is something that has caused me great pains, and I know that I am not unique in that. I have found that working on acceptance of myself - and all of my flaws - has allowed me to more easily accept the flaws of others. I'll say it again because I have to remind myself of how backwards I had it for years. I HAVE TO ACCEPT MYSELF BEFORE I CAN TRULY ACCEPT OTHERS. This is just how it works for me.

Several years ago, at 4 years sober, I was in the midst of agonizing non-acceptance. My job was stressful to the point of causing me physical and mental illness which landed me twice in the hospital. The first time, the health care professionals said I needed to change my lifestyle to fit my limitations and my reply was, "No, I need to change my physical and mental capabilities to fit the lifestyle I want" (or thought I "needed"). Needless to say, this attitude is why I ended up in the hospital the second time, six months later.

Since then I have not been able to work which leads me to a discussion on tradition 7 (self-supporting through my own contributions.) I spent three years berating myself for not being capable of working because of my illnesses. Rather than being grateful, I felt guilty for the help I received financially, and angry at myself because I was not able to be "self-supportive."

Upon honest appraisal, pride and self-pity (which is pride is reverse according the one of our books) were the real reasons for my misery.  I will write more about this in a subsequent post.

I am just coming off of a year-long step 4 and 5 journey (a searching and fearless moral inventory and many step 5 sessions with my sponsor and counselor.) As a result, I am slowly beginning to accept my limitations as well as my character defects.

The first frees me from the chains of pride and egoism while the second frees me from the torture of attempting perfectionism.  I work steps 6 and 7 on my character defects, and I work on acceptance of my physical and mental limitations.

How to tell the difference between the two used to stress me out. The Serenity Prayer (Grant me the serenity to acceptance what I can't change, courage to change what I can and the wisdom to know the difference) was very applicable during these times, but I found out that wisdom to know the difference isn't just given to me because I ask for it - I had to do the work in steps 4 and 5 to gain that wisdom. It was SO hard but well worth it.

What do you have difficulty accepting? What actions have helped you come to accept things in your life that you used to fight against?

Alcoholism, Mental Illness and Recovery

Happy Spring!  I hope everyone is doing well.  Life continues around me and I am doing my best with God's help, of course, to keep up or at least survive each moment.  I have been focusing on living in the present, not dwelling on the past too much nor worrying about the future.  Those are some tough tasks for me and not because I like to think about the past and future too much but rather because the present moments are often difficult to bear.

I have a great life and many, many blessings for which I am ever thankful to God.  The difficulties remain in my mood swings and my powerlessness over mental illness.  I asked the universe this week if there will ever come a day when I would rather be alive than dead.  The universe didn't give me a definitive answer so I guess I'll keep plugging along.  Maybe that is the answer; just keep plugging along.

I have a friend who has a teenager who is depressed and he often self-mutilates by cutting.  She knows my history and asked me if I thought he was inflicting physical pain in an attempt to distract himself from his mental anguish.  I said that I didn't know why he was doing it but the reason I did it at his age was because of self-hatred. 

I had so much anger and was conditioned to stuff it as a child that when it eventually started boiling out of me, I took it out on myself in secrecy.  Nobody knew so nobody punished me for expressing anger.  Yet, I knew and ironically, inflicted my own punishment.  Weird.  I never really thought of it that way until now.

Today, I do not hate myself.  In fact, I love myself because through the 12 step program and the examples of those women in the programs, I have learned how to see myself through God's eyes and that is an amazing gift to possess.  I love myself with all of my heart!

However, I hate my mental illness symptoms as much as I hated being alcoholic when I first got sober.  Today, I am indifferent about having alcoholism.  It is what it is and I am so grateful that the solution found in the 12 steps works for me and my alcoholism.

Maybe some day I will feel the same about mental illness.  However, for today, my symptoms are extremely painful and I struggle to find peace in them.  Yet, I remain hopeful.  I turn to God at every painful moment for help and I turn to him at every peaceful moment to give thanks.  I learned to do that by working the 12 steps "in all my affairs."

In addition to working my program, I continue to take other actions necessary to treat my mental illness (going to my psychiatrist monthly, being honest with her and others about my symptoms, taking care of myself to the best of my ability and most importantly, not being too hard on myself.)

I do not have any more power over my bipolar disorder than I do over my alcoholism.  In both cases, the only power I have is in the willingness to take the actions suggested to me by others.  So, that is what I will keep doing...I'll just keep plugging along and we'll see what happens...

Serenity in Sobriety - Is Love All You Need?

Currently, my spiritual journey has brought me to the realization that the more I accept and love myself, every part of myself, the more peace I experience. I spent so many years judging, berating, and despising my human condition that by the time I got to the rooms of the 12 step program, I had nearly snuffed out the tiny light of the spirit left in me. In the program, we refer to these aspects of the human condition as "character defects." I hated them.


I hated them to a point of starving myself and binging and purging as a preteen. I hated them to the point of trying to slowly kill myself with alcohol from age 15-32. I hated them to the point of subjecting myself to demoralizing experiences with men from age 16-21. I hated them to the point of purposefully injuring my body with razor blade cuts from age 18-20. I hated them to the point of considering suicide several times IN SOBRIETY.


Don't you see that alcoholism is not about alcohol as much as it is about an illness of the mind that wants to destroy the soul using any means possible? Anorexia, bulimia, drugs, sex, self-injury, suicide...it doesn't care which does the job...they are all a means to the same end which is a full separation from the "sunlight of the spirit," from God, from Love.


For me, being sober is no guarantee that I won't die from this disease. For me, the only hope I have to transcend decades of self-hate is to love and accept all of me, including my character defects.

Why? Because for today, I believe that my character defects are present as a direct result of a lack of love.  Therefore, to continue to deny myself of love would merely perpetuate their existence.


The act of loving myself unconditionally - defects and all - will eventually eradicate these defects. Is this not the same thing as being willing and humbly asking God to remove my character defects as it is written in Steps 6 and 7?

Because what IS God but LOVE?

So it is LOVE that will remove them...God's love in me loving me.  Me loving me with God's love.  God and me, God's love and my love - one in the same.


For who am I but an extension of God's love?  God, Himself, said that He created us in His own image...


His image...


God IS Love. 

Therefore, if I believe I was created in His image then I have to believe that I was not created out of love - as something separate from love - but rather that I was created AS love.

My true self IS love.  I AM love.

Therefore, to not love, to not be myself, to not BE love is to kill my true self.

Does this make sense to you? Care to share any thoughts?


For a clearer explanation read the following article.

U N I V I S I O N S: Transcending into Love

This idea keeps presenting itself to me in various ways lately and this post is an attempt to relate what is being revealed to me to my alcoholism (NOT to my drinking problem but to my ALCOHOLISM, which includes all of the illness mentioned above...the eating disorder, bipolar symptoms, depression, etc.)


Thanks for reading and letting me share.  Enjoy the music video below, All You Need is Love by The Beatles.

Responsibilities in Sobriety - Grumblings versus Gratitude

Responsibilities                                         Grumblings                Gratitude

1.  taking care of sick children
non-stop for the last two weeks:               -I am tired                -God strengthens me 
                                                                       -I miss quietness         -I'm not hungover


2.  leaving early to get coffee cups
for my home group meeting                          -I am tired                   -they trust me w/$
                                                                           -I don't do my         
                                                                            own shopping         -they trust me w/$


3.  taking a friend to a meeting weekly     -why doesn't she       
                                                                      ever offer to drive?   -I have a car and can
                                                                                                                  afford gasoline
                                                                                                                -I have friends


4.  taking care of the kids alone while
husband works sooooo much                    -did I mention that
                                                                     I am fricking tired?     -I have a husband
                                                                                                                 who works hard
                                                                                                                 for us


5.  taking care of myself
and others                                                -I don't feel like it                -I know how  

Finding Balance and Living Sober

I visited my family this week, which more often than not increases my anxiety.  Honestly, I feel a bit (sometimes a lot) crazy afterwards even when all I do is silently witness the dysfunction and not necessarily take part in it.  Although, maybe witnessing it is a part.  Sooooo...


Should I stop going to nieces' and nephews' birthday parties, spending the holidays with them, thereby denying my children the fun they experience in seeing their grandparents and playing with their cousins?  That answer doesn't feel right. 


Sometimes my husband takes the kids out to eat and I do not feel like going whether it be because I am tired, don't want to sit in traffic or deal with the crowds and waits or like this week, I didn't want to go out in the freezing cold weather.  I suggested we order in but they wanted to go out.  I used to suck it up and go with them thinking that it was the "right thing" to do...telling myself that I was not a very great mother or wife to choose not to go out to eat with my family.


Now days, I rarely go if I truly do not want to go.  For the most part, they are alright with this.  I know they would rather me go with them but they understand that if I give more of myself in terms of time and energy than I physically, mentally, and emotionally can for too long or too often, I will become irritated, over-fatigued, anxious, and depressed.


God has revealed these limitations to me over the past 2-3 years and unfortunately, they have been extremely debilitating.  I am finding however, that the more I accept myself and my limitations and love myself despite my limitations, the more I am able to actually do, be, and give in ways that are - I now believe to be - God's will. 

I wonder if what I referred to as "debilitating" - meaning that I could no longer do what I had been doing for so many years - would be better stated as, I just was not doing what God wanted me to do (even though the things I was doing weren't inherently unhealthy.) 

I think God's plan for me just changed and I fought it tooth and nail.  Change is hard for me, it always has been...it is completely fear-based. 

In my experience, whenever I am not in line with God's will, I am usually anxious and/or angry.  And whenever I am in line with God's will, I am at peace.  Someone sitting around the tables once visually demonstrated how she feels while not in line with God's will by tensing up and holding on to the edge of the table with a death grip.  She went on to say that when she is in line with God's will it feels like, "Ahhh" and let out a big relaxing sigh, relaxed her shoulders, closed her eyes and smiled.  I feel that way, too.

Fighting, denying, being angry about who I am, how I am made, what is good for me and not good for me in terms of my spiritual state, must have taken so much energy from me!  Now that I am (on most days) no longer fighting, denying, and being angry with who I am, I feel myself healing and getting better but, as I stated above, not in a way that allows me to go back to doing the activities I thought I should be doing like working, volunteering time I don't have, socializing needlessly with acquaintances, and signing the kids up in too many activities. 


Rather, I find myself being able to be a more patient and loving mom, a mom that has the time and energy to sit down and get eye-to-eye with her children and really listen to them, a mom that can say, "Sure, you can have a sleepover with your friends at our house" and really mean it and not freak out once I have a couple of eight year old girls giggling until two o'clock in the morning. 


I also find myself being a more fun-loving wife and an equal partner in my marriage instead of being either a total control freak or a helpless victim unable to even get out of bed in the morning. 

What would usually happen is I would go, go, go because I felt guilty about not being able to contribute financially to our household and then I would crash and not be able to do anything around the house or with the kids for days or weeks at a time.  This would compound my guilt and once I was back on my feet, the whole cycle would start all over again. 


Why is it that alcoholics in particular tend to have a difficult time finding the middle ground on most things?  (a rhetorical question, but feel free to share any of your personal experiences regarding this thought.) 


Thanks for reading and I wish you a happy, joyous, and well-balanced week!

photo credit

My Higher Power, My Actions, and Miracles

I have a story to tell you…about a woman who is very close to me.  I have known her my whole life and our relationship is was dysfunctional.  (She, the victim and me, her rescuer.)  In the last few weeks, God has given me the power to stop rescuing her.


For example, when she asked how I was doing, instead of lying and saying “fine,” I told the truth, which brought about fear and anxiety in her.  I talked to my sponsor about it and prayed about it and the guilt that I used to feel for thinking that I caused worry and grief for someone did not appear.  It did not appear because the lesson I learned in the program about not being responsible for other people’s happiness finally made its way from my head to my heart.

A week later, I asked her not to talk about my story with others in front of me as if I am not even there, as she often does since I have been in recovery.  I set a boundary, which brought about fear and anger in her.  She lashed back at me with her words.  The guilt appeared inside of me and I questioned whether I had caused her harm. Therefore, I prayed about it and talked with my sponsor about it.  I was relieved to find out that I did the right thing and did not owe amends.


A few days later, a situation arose that would have normally ensued manipulative and guilt-ridden questions from her.  She stopped in mid-sentence of her first question and paused…I kept silent but was thinking to myself, “please, don’t you dare go there…”  She tried to start her question over, “Why didn’t you….” Again, she paused.  My silence persisted.  We both knew what she wanted to say.  Instead, however, she ended up saying words that I have never heard come out of her mouth, “Well, I guess it is none of my business.”  “OK,” I said with a smile and we moved on to other topics.


God restored me to sanity by relieving me from a seriously dysfunctional role that I have took part in my whole life.  I feel so free!  This miracle would have never happened if it wasn’t for taking the action these 12 step programs call for and for trying, however falteringly, to practice these principles in all of my affairs.

I am reminded of a recovery slogan I have heard a hundred times in the last four years:  “Let it begin with me.”   I am filled with gratitude and joy that this lesson, too, finally made its way from my head to my heart.

Thank you for reading and I hope that you share your miracles with me, too.

Screams, Surrenders, and Serenity

Something really cool happened to me this week.  I yelled and screamed and cried and dare I say cursed at God.  (doesn't sound very cool, but stay with me.) I took all of my anger about that which I am powerless over and brought it to the alter of the Lord with emotions raw and inhibitions gone.  I then dropped to my knees, my entire ugly human condition fully exposed, and begged God for mercy and grace and loving help.  I completely surrendered myself to Him in that moment.  You know what happened next?  He smiled joyfully at me and gave me a big spiritual HUG!

This is a big step for me, who, just a few weeks ago, took my anger about that which I am powerless over out on my husband by yelling, screaming, crying, and cursing at him.  Hubby can't handle that plus he's not my Higher Power.  I deeply hurt him and with God's grace I pray that I will never hurt him like that again.

God, on the other hand can handle me - He is the one I need to go to for Power and I believe that in going to Him with my ugliness first this week rather than to my husband, I was then able to later calmly express to my husband how overwhelmed I have felt this week and ask for his help with responsibilities around the house. 

Guilt, shame, and self-loathing keep me from being completely honest with others, especially God.  I am so appreciative of all His gifts (meaning everything good in my life) that I feel guilty to complain to Him about anything; I feel ashamed to express dissatisfaction about things in my life to Him; and I feel unworthy of what He has already given to me, so who am I to display anything but praise, glory, and gratitude to Him?  (Can you get an idea of how being abused for expressing negative feelings as a child growing up in a home with two alcoholic parents is still playing a role in my own disease?)

In recovery, I am learning to accept the fact that I am human, with negative human emotions, and human imperfections.  I can no longer hide my ugliness under the rug from God.  He knows about it anyway.  But, I can no longer pretend that I am not angry, anxious, and fearful about things in my life at times just because I am ashamed to admit that I do not fully trust Him 100% of the time.  100% of the time?  Why that is perfection!  And perfection is humanly impossible and I am sick and tired of beating myself up for not being something that is impossible to be - perfect.

I refuse to feign complete trust in Him to relieve my sufferings.  I ask Him for this relief, but always follow my request with "thy will, not mine be done."  My will would be to not be an alcoholic, have mental illnesses, and instead be joyful and serene 100% of the time. 

I do believe He has the power to relieve my sufferings but I am not so arrogant to believe that He will do it just because I ask Him for it.  I believe He does what is best for ALL involved, not just me.  The spiritual side of me is humbled and grateful for the opportunity to be used by Him, even for Him to use my suffering as a part in His divine plan.  The human, selfish side of me says, "This sucks, God, can't you do it some other way?"

So, basically, this week I told God that, "this sucks," but I will do my best to do my part, His will, anyway, because I have complete FAITH that He knows what is best.  He is THE director.  I am here to serve Him via the power and knowledge he chooses to gift to me at any given moment.  What a ride!

I am comforted by the fact that I am a work in progress.  I am reassured by many close to me and by my sense of the spirit during prayer and meditation that I am going in the right direction.  For me, that is an OK place to be.

"We may never get where we want to be, but we can always be grateful that we're not where we were." --Anonymous Recovered Alcoholic

Thanks for reading.  Loving you right where you are, too...

Fighting Friggin' Fatigue

Varying degrees of anger, all along the continuum from being minorly irritated to outright enraged, has been attacking my serenity for the last two weeks like guerrilla warfare - taking me by surprise, but quickly retreating seconds after it hits me. 

I am angry about the powerlessness I have over my fluctuating energy levels and moods swings.  As far as I know, I am doing everything I know of to take care of myself except one thing:  Get a regular sleep schedule established.  The biggest obstacle for me is that I don't want to go to bed at a decent hour.

And really that is what it comes down to - like a bratty, little kid - "I DON'T WANT TO!"  Now for those of you who care to know why I'll tell you what I think, but I could be BS-ing myself and just haven't come to realize it yet.  I have learned from experience that I do this to myself often.  But, for now, this is "my story and I am sticking to it" until God reveals more to me, which I know He will.

I don't want to go to bed and get the amount of sleep my body really needs because I enjoy the quietness at night - after everyone else has gone to bed - too much.  During this time, my mind is most creative and reflective.  During the day my body is so busy taking care of day-to-day routines, I know my mind is on auto-pilot.  It is only when there is no child needing their mommy and no husband needing his wife, that I can most comfortably and completely relax and feel peace.  And I love it so much that I just can't bring myself to end it by going to sleep. 

Messed up, huh?

(big sigh)

That's me.  But that's OK.

Today, I am grateful:

• that I don't have to be perfect
• that God loves me no matter what
• that I have a bed to sleep in and a roof over my head
• that I have children and a husband who love me and I them
• for the daily routines that I "get" to do (as opposed to "have" to do)
• for God's grace, which is the only thing removing that anger I mentioned above so quickly - with no effort on my part except to trust God, clean house (not literally, BTW, but spiritually), and help others one day at a time
• that this program IS working in my life, little by little, in God's perfect timing

Love you all.

Depression, Anxiety, Alcoholism, Addiction, Solutions

We spent the weekend out of town visiting friends. I love my friends and I love their kiddos. Even though, we always have a blast, what I don’t love is the extremely high levels of stimuli in a house full twenty people for 36 hours. Maybe someday I won’t feel so anxious and overwhelmed by the noise and hustle and bustle of these get-togethers.

I didn’t use to feel this way before we all started have kids ten years ago. I didn’t used to when I was still drinking 7 years ago. I didn’t use to 3 years ago when my anxiety and major depression disorders where under control. But, now and for the last two and a half years, despite working my 12 step programs and continuing to work with my doctor on medication options, I still experience symptoms of the aforementioned mental illnesses daily.


My doctor told my husband and me this week that 53% of patients on antidepressants continue to experience symptoms of anxiety and depressive disorders even while on medication, although the medication does make the symptoms less intense. The other 47% are completely relieved of their symptoms once on medication. She also said that it is common in women for the mental illness to get worse as we get older due to hormonal changes after childbirth and during pre-menopause and menopause.

As I wrestle with the effects of “chronic, recurrent depression” (as my doctor put it) --and I mean the biological, chemical imbalance of neurotransmitters in the brain type mental illness-- and alcoholism, which 12 step program literature describes as a spiritual illness or a sickness of the soul, I often feel like they tag team me. The most frustrating aspect of having both mental illness and alcoholism is when my symptoms worsen, I wonder if it is because I am slacking off in some part of my spiritual program or is it because I need to talk to my doctor about the possibility of medication burn out (it has been proven in research that psychiatric medicines will loose their effectiveness in many patients after they are on them for some time.)

I spoke with my sponsor about this issue and she, who has both depression (although completely controlled with medication) and alcoholism (recovered via a 12 Step program for 27 years now), said that for her, when behaviors and/or symptoms continually occur over and over again or repeatedly for many days or weeks in a row, especially when they are unrelated to any identifiable triggers or stressors that are out of the ordinary, she calls her doctor about it.

On the flip side, when symptoms pop up during specific instances and then shortly pass as a result of working the steps, she attributes these to her character defects versus symptoms that require medical attention. This has been my experience when dealing with character defects as well.

My experience has also shown me that my symptoms of mental illness, on the other hand, do not pass without medical intervention and most importantly, not only do they not pass, but THEY GET WORSE and keep getting worse to the point that I have thoughts of harming myself.

My life is good. I have a supportive, loving husband, two healthy, loving kids, an extended family that would do anything for us, and a host of friends both in and out of the programs who would also do anything for us. My relationship with God is the best it has ever been since I started drinking, quit drinking, and now don’t drink at all. I am well-taken care of by caring, competent doctors. I do service work both in and out of the program. I work the 12 steps daily. I have no resentments at the moment nor do I usually and most days I am not fearful of anything or anyone.

So, why do I still get overwhelmed/over stimulated and fatigued when I am around a lot of people for any length of time, or when I am out of my daily routine, or when I am gone from the house for too long, or don’t have hours of time to spend in complete silence everyday? For me, I think it’s a chemical-brain thing.  But, honestly, I don't know anything for sure.  And…

It’s ok. I’m ok with it. I accept this. I accept me. I love me just how I am because I know that God loves me just as I am and I believe his will for me is to love myself just as I am and to also love others just as they are. What a wonderful gift! To be loved and to be able to love - just as we are...just like God does.

And if you have depression, anxiety and/or bipolar disorders like me, you’re ok, too. I know it hurts. I know it’s painful. I know that sometimes you feel like you cannot bear it one more day.

When I am in the depths of these emotional abysses, I have to force myself to call someone, my sponsor, a trusted friend, a spiritual advisor, my husband…and always my doctor if I start to have thoughts of suicide.

I have to force myself to ask God what is it he would like for me to learn about myself?

I have to force myself to thank God for the pain, knowing that someday, as he already has many times in the past year, he will send others my way who will need someone’s help…someone who has experienced and lived through the type of pain they are in…someone like me.

For me, while mental illness and alcoholism may manifest themselves in similar ways, they have different causes if the mental illness is biologically based (meaning the brain is lacking in certain chemicals that regulate moods.) I am and always will be first and foremost an alcoholic. I work a 12 step program to treat my alcoholism. I also have mood disorders caused by chemical imbalances in my brain for which I take medication prescribed by my doctor . I thank God for both solutions. I need both solutions.

Finally, I must humbly admit that I don’t know anything. I believe that all I am really called to do is to share my experience, strength, and hope with those out there who still suffer. And really - don’t we all suffer at some time or another?

So keep sharing. No story is right or wrong. Every story is important because God uses our stories to bring others to him, whether we know if we do or not.

The paths to Him are many. Keep an open mind, be willing, and be honest and you will find the path that works for you. I promise you will, if you just don’t give up!

And whether I know you or not…I love you all…

"Not my will but thine be done"

"Tomorrow morning," the surgeon began, "I'll open up your heart..."


"You'll find Jesus there," the boy interrupted..


The surgeon looked up, annoyed. "I'll cut your heart open," he continued, "to see how much damage has been done..."


"But when you open up my heart, you'll find Jesus in there," said the boy.


The surgeon looked to the parents, who sat quietly. "When I see how much damage has been done, I'll sew your heart and chest back up, and I'll plan what to do next."


"But you'll find Jesus in my heart. The Bible says He lives there. The hymns all say He lives there. You'll find Him in my heart."
 
The surgeon had had enough. "I'll tell you what I'll find in your heart.  I'll find damaged muscle, low blood supply, and weakened vessels.  And I'll find out if I can make you well."


"You'll find Jesus there, too. He lives there."


The surgeon left.




The surgeon sat in his office, recording his notes from the surgery, "....damaged aorta, damaged pulmonary vein, widespread muscle degeneration.  No hope for transplant, no hope for cure. Therapy:  painkillers and bed rest.  Prognosis:"  here he paused, "death within one year."


He stopped the recorder, but there was more to be said. "Why?" he asked aloud.  "Why did You do this?  You've put him here; You've put him in this pain; and You've cursed him to an early death. Why?"


The Lord answered and said, "The boy, my lamb, was not meant for your flock for long, for he is a part of My flock, and will forever be.  Here, in My flock, he will feel no pain and will be comforted as you cannot imagine.  His parents will one day join him here and they will know peace, and My flock will continue to grow.."


The surgeon's tears were hot, but his anger was hotter. "You created that boy and You created that heart.  He'll be dead in months. Why?"


The Lord answered, "The boy, My lamb, shall return to My flock, for He has done his duty.  I did not put My lamb with your flock to lose him, but to retrieve another lost lamb."


The surgeon, the lost lamb, wept...


The surgeon sat beside the boy's bed.  The boy's parents sat across from him. The boy awoke and whispered, "Did you cut open my heart?"


"Yes," said the surgeon.


"What did you find?" asked the boy.

"I found Jesus there," said the surgeon.


Author
Unknown - Celebrate Jesus in 2010

I asked for it!

"Be careful what you pray for..." 

I have been asking God to show me how to truly love others; without conditions, without expectations, and to give of myself in service out of love alone.  I had the opportunity twice in the last three days to be of service in a true spirit of love.  My motives were good.  It felt wonderful.  I was so excited until...

One of my little acts of service did not go as planned.  I started a task to help my darling husband out and when I didn't have what I needed to finish I blamed him for it and had the audacity to then say if he would have done it himself in the first place this never would have happened.  My sick mind thought, "This is what I get for trying to be nice."  OMG!  Talk about a major backfire!

I was never more ashamed and disgusted with my behavior as I was after this happened.  But guess what?  I didn't drink over it.  Instead I used the Steps of the program to admit my powerlessness over my craziness, asked God to restore my sanity, turned my will over to him once again, completed an inventory of the situation (but skipped over step 5 and didn't talk with anyone about it before making amends, which came back to bite me.)  However faltering, I did make amends to my husband (Steps 8 and 9.) 

God revealed to me just how very ugly and angry I can be, which I am grateful for because it has brought me to a level of humility and surrender to be entirely ready to have these defects of character removed (Step 6.) (What I am not grateful for is the pain it caused my husband.  However, I do not know God's plan for him and maybe God will use this to help him grow, if he is willing.  But, that is none of my business.) In Step 7, I will humbly ask God to remove these shortcomings and if it is his will, I have hope that he will indeed show me how to truly love others. 

I wish it didn't have to been done this way but for this alcoholic, it does:  God has to show me my character defect at its worst so that I can work the Steps to ready myself for its removal.  I am guessing only after its removal will he then show me how to truly love because how can true love of others co-exist with the kind of anger I had in me yesterday?  I don't think it can. 

I have heard it said many times that we can't grow without first experiencing pain; we can't learn without first making mistakes.  These statements have been true in my life and this week was another great lesson.  What I am learning is that no matter how horrible I can act, God still loves me, which means I should still love me.  If I can do that, then no matter how horrible other people act, I can still love them.  And therein lies the meaning of the true love I asked God for in the first place, which is why I wrote (tongue-in-cheek) at the beginning of this post:

"Be careful what you pray for..."  because you just might get it --  Thank God!

Recovery and Nature - Birds

Below is something I wrote in my journal one day while sitting by a pond on a sunny, breezy day watching the birds. 

They fly together to make the task easier for one another. A bird in flight lets the wind push it back but never stops flapping its wings. Rather than fight against the wind, the bird stays calm and lets the wind suspend it in mid-air - all the while, flapping, waiting, tolerant of that which it cannot control - but still flapping and doing it’s part.

I have the wind in my face more than at my back.  Stress, family, my own thinking, fears, and physical pain are the winds that push me back.  Life, like the wind, changes.  At times, life is easier like the wind at my back, pushing me forward through my days with comfort and ease.  Then it whips around and blows me backwards some.  Then, there is no wind at all for awhile.  Life, like the wind, is something I cannot control.


But, these birds -- they seem to know a thing or two!  They continue to flap their wings no matter what the wind is doing.  I have learned in my recovery programs how to continue to work the 12 Steps or flap my wings, so to speak, no matter which way the wind blows. 

Do not give up when the wind is in your face and things are tough.  Do not become complacent when the wind is absent and things are calm.  Do not become arrogant when the wind is at your back and things are really good!  Keep working the Steps.  Keep flapping your wings and soar into recovery!

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"Keep It Simple"

(I was planning on writing about this slogan and was pleased to see that Brian M. said it was one of his favorites, too!)

This slogan has been really important for me for the last year.  My illness demands that I keep my days simple or else I suffer from migraines, fatigue, irritability, and depression.  Unfortunately, the demands of motherhood and sponsorship don't always allow me to keep it simple.  The last two days have been an example of that, which is why I didn't post anything yesterday. 

Even with God's strength and practicing the 12 Steps in all of my affairs, my physical and mental limitations still control my life.  I am powerless.

I don't think God interferes with the natural order of things.  Therefore, I am no longer angry with him for not relieving me of these limitations.  Instead, I accept them and have learned to be grateful for them since they ultimately bring me to my knees and back to the one who has all power -- God.

I thank God for the pain and suffering I experience due to my illnesses (alcoholism included.)  For it is in this suffering that I am learning the true meaning of humility.  And in the state of humility is where I find peace and serenity. 

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Thank you to the following bloggers for submitting some of their favorite recovery slogans:

Just For Today, HOW (Honesty, Open minded, Willingness), and HALT (don't get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired)  from  Izzy @ Conversing

Keep Coming Back from  dAAve @ higer powered

ACE (Accept, Change, or Eliminate) from BRB at Notes from the BRB Queen

Let Go and Let God from steve at STEVERONI'S BLOG

F.A.I.T.H. (Finally Allowing It To Happen) from Jeremy at Half measures avail us nothing

How Important Is It?  from Syd at I'm Just F.I.N.E. -- Recovery in Al-Anon

Keep It Simple from Brian M. at The Three Legged Stool

"Live and Let Live"

I really learned how to "live and let live" from others in recovery and for this  I am so grateful.  They taught me how to stay out of other people's business, which has help me grow spiritually and become closer to God.

When I am not practicing this slogan then I am wasting time trying to play god in other people's lives instead of spending time improving the relationship I have with my God.  Maybe that is why we only have 24 hours in a day.  It forces us to choose between trying to run other people's lives OR running to God.  Because God knows I do not have the time to do both!


For me, this slogan means that my only concern should be about what I am doing and NOT what you are doing.  This slogan is an antidote for several character defects of mine, including but not limited to:

• worrying about other people's behaviors
• getting angry at others because of their behaviors
• judging people's behaviors
• giving unsolicited advice to others about their behaviors
• trying to manipulate or control the behavior of others
• loving conditionally, rather than UNconditionally

I also find that when I am able to live and let live life gets simpler, less stressful, and a lot more humorous.

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"Easy Does It"

This recovery slogan is probably one of the hardest ones for me to do.  I suffer from that all too often character defect of perfectionism, which really just means my ego is too big for my britches!  Who's perfect?  I know that I am not, but when I make a mistake I am so hard on myself you would think that I expect myself to be.  Why do I want to be perfect?  That's easy - because making mistakes causes me pain and I hate pain!  That is where "easy does it" helps me in my program.  When I make mistakes, if I can remember, "Easy Does It," then guess what?  The pain is minimized or maybe even not there at all.  Yes, I am a creator of my own chaos!  Taking it easy on myself when I mess up helps me stay connected to the Creator of serenity, God.

How do you take it easy?

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"Let Go and Let God"

This is my all time favorite recovery slogan.  In it I can experience peace in a sober life that has lead me to severe depression and anxiety in the past.  For me these five little words can mean the different between insanity and serenity.

Someone close to me in the program gave me a "God Box."  I write my character defects, situations, people, and anything else that I have no control over and that I don't want to worry about on little pieces of paper and put them in my God box.  This simple action helps me to Let Go and Let God. 

The blue stones in my God box were also given to me by the same woman who gave me the box. They represent God's miracles. I have a separate dish that I put a blue miracle stone into every time a miracle happens. This simple action helps me to acknowledge God as the giver of all miracles and to thank him for all of his blessings in my life.

The whole 12 Step program is basically a program of simple actions.

What is your favorite recovery slogan?

How we feel vs. what we know - One Day at a Time

Sometimes I hear just what I need to hear not during a meeting but before or after a meeting.  Before my last homegroup meeting, a man I know walked in and sat next to me.  I said, "Hi, ______.  How's it going?"  He said, "Good."  (pause)  "I guess."  I said, "You guess?"  He said, "Well, I know everything is how it's supposed to be."  He smiled and looked straight into my eyes when he said that and I nodded and smiled back.  We both knew that we completely understood each other.

The program has taught us that what is going on in our life and how we feel about it is not what is most important. What is important is that we believe God is in charge, which means "everything is how it's supposed to be." 

I don't know the details of what is going on in this man's life but I know he's ok.  And I know I am ok because I am like him.  Life can be good, bad, or indifferent.  Doesn't matter.  If I trust in God, clean house, and help others "one day at a time," I believe life is always how it is supposed to be at any given moment.  We are all ok.

A Week of Virtues - Day 5 - Acceptance

Acceptance:  acknowledging reality exactly as it is without attempting to change it to fit our needs or desires

"Accepting does not necessarily mean 'liking,' 'enjoying,' or 'condoning.' I can accept what is—and be determined to evolve from there. It is not acceptance but denial that leaves me stuck."   ~ Nathaniel Branden, American psychologist

I find that when coming to accept something, what I am really doing is grieving the loss of some false belief of mine.  Acceptance is the fifth stage of grieving.  I find that I must go through the first four stages before I reach acceptance of a situation, person, or truth in my life.  I will use alcoholism as an example.

*  My false belief is that I am a normal drinker.

Stage 1 - Denial
I'm not an alcoholic.  I don't have a problem.  I'm fine.  There's nothing abnormal about me.

Stage 2 - Anger
Why me?  I don't deserve this!  I am pissed off that I am an alcoholic!  It's not fair!

Stage 3 - Bargaining
Please, God, let me be able to drink like a normal person.  I'll do anything if you just fix me so I can drink and be ok.

Stage 4 - Depression
Poor me!  I am an alcoholic.  My life is ruined.  I'll never have any fun again.  Why do these things always happen to me?  I am a terrible person.

Stage 5 - Acceptance
I am an alcoholic and that is ok.  I have a disease.  I can admit that I have it, not be angry about it, not feel sorry for myself about it, but can realize the reality of it and live my life accordingly. 

More on my story of acceptance can be found here.

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.  ~  Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous 

 
Acceptance is the path to serenity for me.  Practicing acceptance doesn't mean that I have to accept "unacceptable behavior," such as any type of abuse from others.  While I can't change them, I can remove myself from them and their destructive behaviors.  In this way I am accepting the reality of the way they are (i.e., abusive, unhealthy, etc.) and choosing not to be a part of it.  In practicing acceptance, I must always keep in mind what I can and cannot change, which is why the Serenity Prayer is so powerful in my recovery today.
 
 

Serenity Prayer

 

God, grant me the serenity to

accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

 

 

A Week of Virtues - Day 3 - Humility

*Humility–noun
the quality or condition of being humble; modest opinion or estimate of one's own importance, rank, etc

*Humility definition from a Bible Dictionary
a prominent Christian grace (Rom. 12:3; 15:17, 18; 1 Cor. 3:5-7; 2 Cor. 3:5; Phil. 4:11-13). It is a state of mind well pleasing to God (1 Pet. 3:4); it preserves the soul in tranquillity (Ps. 69:32, 33), and makes us patient under trials (Job 1:22). Christ has set us an example of humility (Phil. 2:6-8). We should be led thereto by a remembrance of our sins (Lam. 3:39), and by the thought that it is the way to honour (Prov. 16:18), and that the greatest promises are made to the humble (Ps. 147:6; Isa. 57:15; 66:2; 1 Pet. 5:5). It is a "great paradox in Christianity that it makes humility the avenue to glory."
*http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/humility


For me humility means:

• accepting the reality of my powerlessness over most everything in my life, including my alcoholism, other people's alcoholism, and others' actions, attitudes, and basically all people, places, and things (including the technical difficulties that kept me from posting this until late tonight! :)

• giving credit for all that is good and positive in my life and inside of me to the one who has all power, whom I call God

Thanks to the God, whom I found through working 12 Step programs, the following statements (also referenced above from the Bible Dictionary) are absolute truths that I have personally experienced:

~  humility preserves my soul in tranquillity (Ps. 69:32, 33)

~  humility makes me patient under trials (Job 1:22)

Above photo is a flower from the Mimosa pudica, a.k.a. the Humble Plant.  This plant is a creeping annual or perennial herb often grown for its curiosity value: the compound leaves fold inward and droop when touched or shaken, re-opening minutes later.  See video below.

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After watching the way the Humble Plant responds to touch in the above video, I reflected a bit on the way I respond when God touches my life.  Do I stand firm and refuse to yield to His will for me?  Or, like this interesting plant, do I allow myself to bend to the hand of God knowing that He knows what is best for me and my life?  Honestly, I do both.  Even more honestly, I do the former much more frequently than the latter. 

How do I know which one I am doing?  When I am resisting God's will for me I am mostly like going to find myself in emotional and mental discomfort, pain, anguish, and eventually, in insanity.  When I humbly accept and act in line with God's will, I experience a peace like no other.  Simple but not easy...

A Week of Virtues - Day 2 - Honesty

Honesty Definition:  Truthful; sincere; not lieing or cheating.

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.

~Groucho Marx

In recovery, the hardest truth I have had to face thus far, and by face I mean admit to and accept (not like), is that I am selfish and self-centered in most everything that I do and think.  There is not one action that I take at any given moment that does not have a selfish motive behind it.  These actions may also have unselfish motives behind them along with the selfish one.  But the selfish ones can always be identified if I am willing to be honest with myself.  Does being selfish make me a bad person?  I don't believe so.  Does it make me a human being?  Absolutely.   

For example, why do I try to fix other people's problems?  Because I love them and I want them to experience happiness?  Yes. 
 
I used to stop there thinking I was doing a good thing by trying to help others with their problems.  However, by working Step 4 of a 12 Step recovery program I now know that I try to fix other people's problems in an attempt to control them so that not only they feel better but so that I FEEL BETTER, too!  And working the rest of the 12 steps with a sponsor has taught me how I can be happy whether other people are or not.  What a gift! 
 
Why do I try to help other alcoholics?  Because I am called to do so by God and by Step 12 to be of service in the spirit of unconditional love?  Absolutely.  Do I also do it because I know it will greatly increase my chances of staying sober, thereby being able to lead a happy life?  You bet! 
 
For me, the most devastating lies are the ones I tell to myself, including but not limited to:
I'm not an alcoholic.
I can handle this.
I should know better.
I can do anything I put my mind to.
I'm fine.
I know what I am doing.
 
What are some ways in which you are dishonest with yourself or others and what is your solution?

We tell lies when we are afraid... afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. But every time we tell a lie, the thing that we fear grows stronger.

~Tad Williams

Honesty plants seeds of pain which grow into beautiful blooms.   ~Marie

L. Annual Honesty (Lunaria annua) is a tall (height about 1 m), hairy-stemmed biennial plant native to the Balkans and south west Asia, and naturalized throughout Europe, North America, and parts of Asia. It has large, pointed oval leaves with marked serrations. The common name "Honesty" arose in the 16th century, and it may be due to the translucent seed-pods which are like flattened pea-pods and borne on the plant through winter. In South-East Asia and elsewhere, it is called the Money Plant, because its seed pods have the appearance of silver coins. In the United States it may also be known as "Silver Dollars," also because of the seed pods. In Denmark it is known as Judaspenge and in The Netherlands as Judaspenning (coins of Judas), an allusion to the story of Judas Iscariot and the thirty pieces of silver he was paid.  From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

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