Alcoholism, Sobriety, and Recovery - a Step Ten Spiritual Experience

I listened to them fight. Like I used to be, she is sensitive, defensive, discontent, irritable, and miserable. Unlike me, she is only ten years old and has never touched a drop of alcohol. Yet, she thinks and acts like one who is drinking herself into an early grave.

Like my husband, my other daughter is selfless, kind, loving, as well as hurt and confused about why the former spews venomous words and blames her for all that is wrong in life. Unlike my husband, she is only five years old and was born into this alcoholic family rather than married into it.

Doesn’t matter…we all have alcoholism and sometimes it really sucks.

I have a sponsor, my daughter has a counselor, and we both have psychiatrists and God. I hate what I see and I cry because I can’t fix her any more than I can fix myself.


Step One: I am powerless.


Step Two: I believe God will restore my sanity (and my daughter's)


Step Three: and at times, I allow Him to restore mine.  The times when I don't is when I focus on my fears.  For example, I become scared to death for my children and agonize over the pain of living from which I cannot completely protect them.


Step Four: During these times, it is best for me to write out my fears and the ways in which I may be harming them by not allowing them to feel their own growing pains, for example.


Step Five: I discuss these things with my sponsor on a regular basis merely because they surface on a regular basis.


Step Six: I want God to remove my fears and seemingly selfless actions that are, in reality, an attempt to relieve the suffering I experience when I see my children suffering.


Step Seven: I ask God to remove these fears, defects, and shortcomings from me as He sees fit.


Step Eight: I place myself at the top of the list and any others whom I have harmed.


Step Nine: I make amends to myself for the browbeating I often inflict on my own conscience (which only fuels my alcoholism.)

Step Ten:  ???   Oh, Step 10, where are youuuuu???

 It is at this exact point in my recent working of the steps, in which flames of “you’re a terrible mother” and “look at what you did to these kids” and “this is all your fault” ignite; my alcoholism trying to convince me that I have power; that some how I can control my life and my children's lives. 

If I believe these lies, which I often do, I go along living life until I, once again, experience enough pain to return to Step One (and admit my powerlessness, once again!)

Insidious disease!!! I haven’t worked Step 10 in months. The others, many times as I described above.  However, even a thorough 4th -9th step-run only straightens me out for a few weeks and then I am back where I started.

I kept asking, “Why? Why?” and this weekend He told me, “...no Step 10 work.”


“She does steps 4-9 repeatedly. That’s the same thing…even BETTER than a step 10,” my disease retorted. God smiled and like that smart little dog from the Wizard of Oz who pulled back the curtain to reveal a mere man pretending to be a great and powerful Wizard, God revealed the simplicity and significance of Step 10 to me.


My focus has been on the great and powerful Steps 4-9 (which are great and powerful in their own right.) However, for me, Step 10 works behind the curtain tirelessly to maintain the phenomenal effects of 4-9, as the carnival man did to control the powerful effects of the “wizard.”


If I work step 10 on a daily basis, maybe I will be less likely to fall backwards as quickly as I have been on my Steps 4-9 every-other-month plan…that plan isn't in the Big Book!


I also wonder if skipping step 10 is the reason that steps 11 and 12 have been such chores for me lately...

Thank you, God.  Thank you, all.




http://wikimediafoundation.org/wiki/File:Are-you-a-wizard.jpg



Communication Styles - Tricks Before Recovery versus Tools After Recovery

I haven't read any sober blogs in two weeks and I miss it!  I can't wait to catch up today.  I hope everyone had a blessed Holiday Season.  Mine was busy with God, family, gifts, food, shopping, decorating, cleaning, more family, more cleaning, and hanging out with my husband and kids. 

Last week we saw the movie, Tangled.  It is based on the story of Rapunzel, the princess with the long, golden hair.  "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair."  The movie was funny, adventurous, and dramatic.  I highly recommend it for kids and adults alike.

Communication Tricks Before Recovery


Photo source

I hate to admit it but the witch in the movie, who held Rapunzel hostage in a high tower for the first eighteen years of her life, reminded me of me!  The witch was nicey, nicey to every one's face and schemed and manipulated behind their backs.  If I was ever an expert at anything in my life, being passive-aggressive was it.  "Kill them with kindness" had a whole different meaning for me than I think it was meant to have.

I grew up with a aggressive father and a passive mother.  I picked up traits from both of them and ended up being a well-blended mix of both.  A mutt of unhealthy communication skills, if you will.  My bag of tricks contained all of the following:

• verbal attacks
• threats
• guilt trips
• silent treatments
• sarcasms
• cynicism
• negativity
• vengeful acts against people that may or may not know about them
• and most confusing to those around me, like the witch in the movie did, I was an expert at taking verbal jabs at others and quickly following them up with an innocent smile and a "I'm just kidding" lie.  I did this to express my anger but gave myself a way out in case they didn't like what I said.  Fear of what people thought of me played a huge roll in my unhealthy communication style.

Thinking about the way I was, let alone writing about it here, makes me cringe and feel a bit nauseous. 


Communication Tools In Recovery



Source

However, in the past few years I have learned new, healthier ways to communicate, including:

• beginning statements with "I" instead of "You."  For example, "I feel uncomfortable when you belittle her in front of me" rather than "You're so mean to her.  You're a jerk."
• avoiding all or nothing qualifiers such as "always" and "never."  For example, "I always do everything around here" or "I never get to do what I want."  For me, all or nothing statements are rarely true or simply gross over-exaggerations, which give the other person an opportunity to respond with specific examples that prove my statements false.  So, I try not to even go there.  Really, it is a subtle form of dishonesty.
• asking for help by admitting my limitations to others.  For example, rather than falling against the wall with the back of my hand to my forehead, giving my husband my best Scarlet O'Hara impression, and saying, "I do everything around here.  This house would fall apart if it weren't for me," I can instead say, "Hey, babe, I am feeling overwhelmed this week.  Could you help me by doing this, this, and this?" 
• which brings me to another facet about communication I learned in recovery:  PEOPLE CANNOT READ MY MIND.  Who knew?  I didn't.  I thought I knew what you were thinking and feeling so it stood to reason that you should always know what I thought and felt and what I wanted and didn't want.  It turns out that you don't know these things unless I TELL YOU.  Amazing!  Additionally, I don't know what you think, feel, want, or don't want unless YOU TELL ME.  What a revelation!  Better yet, what a relief!  Not to have to assume, guess, and feel responsible for anticipating your wants and needs is the most freeing thing in the world!  I never realized what hard work being a good codependent was until I stopped being one.

I still pull from my old bag of tricks when it comes to communicating with others, which invariably leads to chaos in my mind, my environment or both.  On the other hand, when I choose to pick up the tools of healthy communication, I give myself a real chance to experience peace of mind and true love of others.

What is your communication style?  How's that working or not working for you?

Happy New Year!

My Higher Power, My Actions, and Miracles

I have a story to tell you…about a woman who is very close to me.  I have known her my whole life and our relationship is was dysfunctional.  (She, the victim and me, her rescuer.)  In the last few weeks, God has given me the power to stop rescuing her.


For example, when she asked how I was doing, instead of lying and saying “fine,” I told the truth, which brought about fear and anxiety in her.  I talked to my sponsor about it and prayed about it and the guilt that I used to feel for thinking that I caused worry and grief for someone did not appear.  It did not appear because the lesson I learned in the program about not being responsible for other people’s happiness finally made its way from my head to my heart.

A week later, I asked her not to talk about my story with others in front of me as if I am not even there, as she often does since I have been in recovery.  I set a boundary, which brought about fear and anger in her.  She lashed back at me with her words.  The guilt appeared inside of me and I questioned whether I had caused her harm. Therefore, I prayed about it and talked with my sponsor about it.  I was relieved to find out that I did the right thing and did not owe amends.


A few days later, a situation arose that would have normally ensued manipulative and guilt-ridden questions from her.  She stopped in mid-sentence of her first question and paused…I kept silent but was thinking to myself, “please, don’t you dare go there…”  She tried to start her question over, “Why didn’t you….” Again, she paused.  My silence persisted.  We both knew what she wanted to say.  Instead, however, she ended up saying words that I have never heard come out of her mouth, “Well, I guess it is none of my business.”  “OK,” I said with a smile and we moved on to other topics.


God restored me to sanity by relieving me from a seriously dysfunctional role that I have took part in my whole life.  I feel so free!  This miracle would have never happened if it wasn’t for taking the action these 12 step programs call for and for trying, however falteringly, to practice these principles in all of my affairs.

I am reminded of a recovery slogan I have heard a hundred times in the last four years:  “Let it begin with me.”   I am filled with gratitude and joy that this lesson, too, finally made its way from my head to my heart.

Thank you for reading and I hope that you share your miracles with me, too.

"Live and Let Live"

I really learned how to "live and let live" from others in recovery and for this  I am so grateful.  They taught me how to stay out of other people's business, which has help me grow spiritually and become closer to God.

When I am not practicing this slogan then I am wasting time trying to play god in other people's lives instead of spending time improving the relationship I have with my God.  Maybe that is why we only have 24 hours in a day.  It forces us to choose between trying to run other people's lives OR running to God.  Because God knows I do not have the time to do both!


For me, this slogan means that my only concern should be about what I am doing and NOT what you are doing.  This slogan is an antidote for several character defects of mine, including but not limited to:

• worrying about other people's behaviors
• getting angry at others because of their behaviors
• judging people's behaviors
• giving unsolicited advice to others about their behaviors
• trying to manipulate or control the behavior of others
• loving conditionally, rather than UNconditionally

I also find that when I am able to live and let live life gets simpler, less stressful, and a lot more humorous.

photo credit

A Week of Gratitude - Day 6

A man needs self-acceptance or he can't live with himself; he needs self-criticism or others can't live with him.

~James A. Pike

Today I am grateful that in recovery I am learning:

~ about myself

~ how to detach with love

~ about acceptance

~ how to apply the 12 Steps to all areas of my life

~ how to love and accept myself

~ how to forget myself in order to serve others without expecting anything in return

~ for giving me a direct path to God

I do not know what I may appear to the world; but to myself I seem to have been only like a boy playing on the sea-shore, and diverting myself in now and then finding a smoother pebble or a prettier shell than ordinary, while the great ocean of truth lay all undiscovered before me. ~Isaac Newton

Breaking the Chains

It is difficult for me to maintain my peace of mind when I am in the presence of negative people.  How do I stay sane in the midst of chaos?  "Detach with love" is a phrase I learned in meetings.  I think it means that my emotional state is not dependent on the emotions and behaviors of others.  Easier said than done!  I can't seem to do this unless I physically remove my person from these people.  I guess you could call it my "out of sight, out of mind" plan.

This has been working for a while, but lately I have noticed the more I rely on this plan, the more isolated I become.  Let's face it, negative, crabby, unhealthy, whiny, demanding, unhappy people are EVERYWHERE!  So, at a low spot in my weekend, I grabbed a notebook and a pen and wrote out a thorough 4th Step.  Without fail, working this step revealed where I had been selfish, dishonest, self seeking, and frightened.  Here's the crux of it all:

I offer solutions to people who complain when they don't necessarily ask for any. 

I was taught look at my motives for doing what I do.  My motive for giving others suggestions as they complain about people and situations in their life is to make them stop complaining.  I want negative people to be positive so that my emotional balance isn't upset.  My motive for being over-involved in my kids' fights, whining, self-care activities, and leisure activities is to rid myself of the guilt I feel when they are mad, bored, or don't get their way and the pain I feel when they are unhappy.  My motive, pure and simple, is to try and change THEM so that I don't feel uncomfortable. 

(Sorry, folks, you can say you do things out of the goodness of your heart and for completely selfless reasons but the fact is, for every action I take there lies in part a selfish motive.  It's just human nature.) 

Ok, back to the basics, Marie.  You know, like:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I know in my head that I can't change other people, but darn it, if my heart would only stop forgetting this fact.  Each time I offer solutions to those who don't ask for it, I am trying to change them.  In doing this, I also invest myself emotionally in their "stuff" and thus, attach with selfish motives rather than detach with love. 

When I attach with selfish motives this means my serenity is dependent on their actions and attitudes.  So, of course, I try to control those actions and attitudes so that I feel happy.  And of course, I can't control these things so I end up feeling insane!

Detaching with love means I can listen to them and love them right where there are without trying to change their attitudes or behaviors into something that will make me happy.  After all, I am not their Higher Power.  What do I know about what they need to do?  I don't even know what I need to do for me half of the time!

At this point, Steps 1, 2 and 3 came into play for me this weekend as well.  Specifically:

Step 1:  After admitting my powerlessness over others and my inability to manage their lives or my own,
Step 2:  I was humbled by my lack of power and became open minded enough to see that I don't know what is best for everyone, thus God restored my sanity as
Step 3:  I turned it all over to Him.

In other words, I was able to experience some of God's peace because I was no longer taking on the responsibility of fixing others, which I can't do anyway, which is why I go insane!  What a vicious cycle!

I am so grateful for my Higher Power and for the ability to find solutions to the problems I create in my life today by working the 12 Steps.

It really does work!  I hope it does for you, too.

Reality Check

 "There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest (Big Book)"

"Honesty = truth = fact = reality (Marie)"

The trees and clouds you see in the pic below are actually a reflection on the surface of a lake.  You'll notice the plant along the bank of the lake (in the bottom right hand corner) is the same plant that's in the picture above.

One of the girls I sponsor decided to do some more experimenting. Why is it, after telling me that they don’t want to or can’t stay sober anymore, they add so sweetly, “…and I don’t want to waste your time” --like they are really concerned about me? I feel like saying, “How f---ing thoughtful of you!” But the truth is I appreciate their honesty and tell them if they find their way back to the program my phone is always available.

My nine year old daughter, who also has clinical depression, often feels responsible for my negative moods. It makes me sick to my stomach to know that she deals with some of the same crazy thoughts that I do. I feel like saying, “I know, baby, there is no hope for either of us.” But the truth is I get to know what she is going through and be the best example of the 12-step program I can be.

My husband has been more worried than usual about life stuff.  I feel like saying, “Wait a minute. You can’t get crazy on me because I am crazy enough for the both of us!” But the truth is even normal people like him feel the pain of fear and resentment.

It is a fact that I was relieved of the my obsession with self for long enough today to be there for my husband, my daughter, and for someone who no longer wants me to be there for her.

Honestly, I don’t know what else to say.