Finding a Higher Power

The following excerpt from p. 46 in the Big Book says it all for me:

"we discovered we did not need to consider another’s conception of God. Our own conception, however inadequate,was sufficient to make the approach and to effect a contact with Him. As soon as we admitted the possible existence of a Creative Intelligence, a Spirit of the Universe underlying the totality of things, we began to be possessed of a new sense of power and direction, provided we took other simple steps."

For me, this meant that I had to

1) Let go of every idea about God that I ever had.
2) Let go of everyone else's idea of God that I was exposed to.
3) Admit to the possibility of this power's existence only - not to what it is or isn't, but just to that it may or does exist.
4) Ask that power to reveal itself to me.
5) Continually work the 12 steps (so that I can perceive that power as it reveals itself to me and so that I can stay in contact with that power from then on.)

Beyond this I wonder if there is any other way to explain or describe my experience that would be of use to someone else. Would it be futile to share my concept of my higher power if my concept only works for me? Would it be a waste of time for anyone else to try and use my concept of my higher power for their concept of their higher power?

A definition of "concept" states:

"A general idea derived or inferred from specific instances or occurrences."

My concept of my higher power is based on my personal "instances and occurences", and I assume yours would be based off of your personal "instances and occurences", but I don't know. I know that I don't know. What I do suggest, however, especially if you are 1) new or 2) having difficulty connecting with your higher power is to drop all that you think that you know about this power, and then ask it to reveal (or re-reveal) itself to you.

And for goodness sakes, please make sure you are working the steps on a continuous basis. That is our part - our ONLY part; the steps are the "footwork." God takes care of the rest as it is stated in the continuation of the aforementioned excerpt:

"We found that God does not make too hard terms with those who seek Him. To us, the Realm of Spirit is broad, roomy, all inclusive; never exclusive or forbidding to those who earnestly seek. It is open, we believe, to all men.”

How did I used seek this power? By working the rules of various churches, retreats, and revivals - all of which work for many people, I have no doubt - and by working my insane rules of getting my way (i.e., bargaining, begging, pleading, crying) which never lead me to finding God.  For me and for most alcoholics I know, the only thing that enables us to find our higher power is the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.

So, if you are an alcoholic, I encourage you to seek your higher power by working ALL of the Steps because

"rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.......If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it -- then you are ready to take certain steps."

More Hope and More Gratitude

After a severe migraine accompanied by a moderately severe mixed manic/depressive episode last night where hope was sustained only by repeating the words:

I believe.  I trust.

over and over again, I awoke this morning feeling refreshed and more like myself than I have in weeks. 

Today I am grateful for:

• watching a movie with my family last night
• playing a board game with my daughter this morning
• spending time outdoors with my family this afternoon
• not being on the computer all day until now
• not needing a nap today
• not having a headache today

and finally, I am so grateful for:

•  the fact that no matter what is going on around me or inside of me, if I truly believe and truly trust Him in a state of humble surrender, He will comfort me.

A Week of Virtues - Day 4 - Faith

Faith Definition:  Complete confidence in a person, plan, or set of beliefs, etc.

"Faith is daring the soul to go beyond what the eyes can see."   ~  William Newton Clark

Before entering recovery, I would have told you that I had faith but what I really had was a belief in God.  Others in recovery suggested that I look up words as I studied and practiced recovery principles even if I thought I knew what they meant because quite often I don't.  Faith is a belief in the trustworthiness or having confidence in someone or something.  Belief is merely an opinion or conviction that something is true or factual.  So, while I believed that God was real, I did not have faith or trust in him.

Before the program, my faith was in the "God of Reason," as the Big Book of AA states.  I often find that my faith still gets stuck in my intellect when I become obsessed with understanding my diseases of alcoholism and depression in an attempt to manage them. When knowledge is my higher power, God is not and then my insanity begins.

Step 3, which asks me to" make a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand him," invites me to give up my attempts to control life.  But, I won't make this decision if I don't first "come to believe in a power greater than myself who can restore me to sanity (i.e., Step 2)."  This Step is hard for me because, while I believe that God can restore me to sanity, I don't always have the faith or confidence that he will.  Why wouldn't he?  I don't know.  Why don't I have faith that he will?  Well, this probably calls for some Step 4 work, but my first guess is because I don't think I deserve to be sane let alone happy.  Anyone, ever feel that way? 

Another barrier to turning my will over to God is believing that I have power over my diseases, events and people in my life, etc.  When this is the case, I am back at Step 1 - "admitting I am powerless over alcohol (or fill in the blank) and that my life has become unmanageable."

Power, belief, faith...I have no power, I believe in God, and I have been given a "faith that works" (a faith in God versus a faith in intellect, reason, knowledge, or my own power.)  My only job is to make the decision to use it.  Simple, but not easy.   

"Faith is a bird that feels dawn breaking and sings while it is still dark."  ~  Rabindranath Tagoret

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Breaking the Chains

It is difficult for me to maintain my peace of mind when I am in the presence of negative people.  How do I stay sane in the midst of chaos?  "Detach with love" is a phrase I learned in meetings.  I think it means that my emotional state is not dependent on the emotions and behaviors of others.  Easier said than done!  I can't seem to do this unless I physically remove my person from these people.  I guess you could call it my "out of sight, out of mind" plan.

This has been working for a while, but lately I have noticed the more I rely on this plan, the more isolated I become.  Let's face it, negative, crabby, unhealthy, whiny, demanding, unhappy people are EVERYWHERE!  So, at a low spot in my weekend, I grabbed a notebook and a pen and wrote out a thorough 4th Step.  Without fail, working this step revealed where I had been selfish, dishonest, self seeking, and frightened.  Here's the crux of it all:

I offer solutions to people who complain when they don't necessarily ask for any. 

I was taught look at my motives for doing what I do.  My motive for giving others suggestions as they complain about people and situations in their life is to make them stop complaining.  I want negative people to be positive so that my emotional balance isn't upset.  My motive for being over-involved in my kids' fights, whining, self-care activities, and leisure activities is to rid myself of the guilt I feel when they are mad, bored, or don't get their way and the pain I feel when they are unhappy.  My motive, pure and simple, is to try and change THEM so that I don't feel uncomfortable. 

(Sorry, folks, you can say you do things out of the goodness of your heart and for completely selfless reasons but the fact is, for every action I take there lies in part a selfish motive.  It's just human nature.) 

Ok, back to the basics, Marie.  You know, like:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I know in my head that I can't change other people, but darn it, if my heart would only stop forgetting this fact.  Each time I offer solutions to those who don't ask for it, I am trying to change them.  In doing this, I also invest myself emotionally in their "stuff" and thus, attach with selfish motives rather than detach with love. 

When I attach with selfish motives this means my serenity is dependent on their actions and attitudes.  So, of course, I try to control those actions and attitudes so that I feel happy.  And of course, I can't control these things so I end up feeling insane!

Detaching with love means I can listen to them and love them right where there are without trying to change their attitudes or behaviors into something that will make me happy.  After all, I am not their Higher Power.  What do I know about what they need to do?  I don't even know what I need to do for me half of the time!

At this point, Steps 1, 2 and 3 came into play for me this weekend as well.  Specifically:

Step 1:  After admitting my powerlessness over others and my inability to manage their lives or my own,
Step 2:  I was humbled by my lack of power and became open minded enough to see that I don't know what is best for everyone, thus God restored my sanity as
Step 3:  I turned it all over to Him.

In other words, I was able to experience some of God's peace because I was no longer taking on the responsibility of fixing others, which I can't do anyway, which is why I go insane!  What a vicious cycle!

I am so grateful for my Higher Power and for the ability to find solutions to the problems I create in my life today by working the 12 Steps.

It really does work!  I hope it does for you, too.

Marie's Step 3 Prayer

Wash away my sins, Oh God.

I do not know my being.

Make of me

As you see fit.

It’s time I start believing.

From this day forth with your grace

I give my whole life to you.

Humble me.

I see your face.

Please tell me what now to do.

Fill my heart with a passion

That can never be ignored.

Guide me through

Your earthly land,

I beg of you , my sweet Lord.

Thank you for cleansing my soul;

Easing its torment and pain.

I offer

all to your Son;

Quaking, I call out his name:

Jesus! Please save me…again.

Forgive me. Mold me. Hold me

Safely in

Your loving arms,

My Savior, Master, and Friend.

~ Written by Marie on August 3, 2004

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I can't. God can. I think I'll let Him.

My sponsor pointed out to me that I am “entering the stage that we call emotional sobriety.” I said, “What the heck does that mean?” She said, “You are finding out more about yourself so that you can change those conditions and causes that lead to your drinking.”

After reading some recovery literature, the following was revealed to me:

1) Repeatedly exposing myself to more stress than my mind and body could take because of my incessant demand for financial security and my perfectionist dream of being someone I‘m not = hospitalization for depression.

[I know it is not a coincidence that this was the quote for the day in my daily meditation book: “The battle to keep up appearances unnecessarily, the mask -- whatever name you give creeping perfectionism -- robs us of our energies.” ---Robin Worthington]

2) Explaining to my nine year old why I need to take rest breaks, take medication, talk to others, etc. -- in an attempt to prevent her from having an emotional bottom as bad as mine (i.e. playing God) -- not knowing that I was giving her too much information for her age, thereby encouraging the caretaker role she assigned to herself in this alcoholic family. Talk about AGONY!!! I was mortified when my sponsor pointed this out to me.

[Again, not a coincidence that this was the quote for yesterday in my daily meditation book: “One often learns more from ten days of agony than from ten years of contentment.” ---Merle Shain]


I want to experience serenity so bad. People in the program lovingly remind me that I can’t make it happen - I am powerless over EVERYTHING!  I am also told that it will happen in God’s time not mine, which is so exasperating to me right now.

So, I can’t make it happen and I can’t make God do it in my time. “What am I supposed to do?” I asked my sponsor. She said that I am like a broken egg right now and I am supposed to just sit in the mess and wait.  I have decided to follow her suggestion because, once again, I have run out of options and the pain is great enough that I am willing to go to any lengths for sobriety --emotional sobriety.

Today, because of the egg analogy, I keep thinking about the nursery rhyme, Humpty Dumpty.                               

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

(like my decents into the depths of alcoholism and/or depression)

All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty together again.

(no human power alone could restore me)

But, God could and would if I seek to do his will in my life.

(Steps 1, 2, 3)

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