Thankfulness for Prayers and Footwork

I am so grateful to read the comments from fellow migraine sufferers.  Thank you.  Your words make me feel less alone.  The good news is my doctor has discontinued the medicine that didn't allow me to take any Alleve, which is the only thing I have found to work on my migraines.  My blood pressure has been high, but we (meaning my doctors and me) are not sure if this is due to the pain of the migraines or if the high blood pressure has been causing the migraines.  In other words, which comes first...  So, now that the migraines are back under control I get to start monitoring my blood pressure for the next few weeks to see if it runs high on a regular basis (even when I am feeling well.)  More footwork...

One of the greatest things the 12 Step program teaches me is that I am not going to get what I need without doing a little footwork first.  I spoke with two different women this week (both in the program) in the midst of my excruciating pain and cried,

"What am I supposed to do?  I keep praying and praying to God to help me accept this or to take it away, whatever His will may be." 

They both responded by reminding me that I have to take action (in addition to prayer) in order for God's will to be carried out.  The action I needed to take was to call my doctors immediately and tell them what I was going through and insist that something be done rather than suffer until my next scheduled appointment. 

I am learning little by little to take care of myself in ways I never had to before all of these physical and mental ailments developed.  I am starting to love myself enough to say,

"Hey!  It is not ok for me to be this sick.  I want to get better.  I want to be well.  I want to be - dare I say it - happy!" 

My whole life I have been so critical of myself that deep down I thought I didn't deserve to be happy.  I thought I was such a horrible person that I probably should suffer.  I was damaged goods...the child of two alcoholics, an alcoholic myself with mental disorders, a failure as a mom and wife, friend, and daughter.

In reality, I am not any of those things.  I am just one of God's kids, who was raised by a couple of God's other kids who made mistakes.  I am just one of God's kids, who is raising a couple more of His kids, and making mistakes of my own (although, thanks to the program, I am making fewer mistakes than my parents did, which is progress...I will not reach perfection in this life.)

Making mistakes doesn't mean I am a failure but rather a human being.  Being human doesn't mean I am a bad person but rather a flawed person.  Unfortunately, being flawed means I will experience physical, mental, emotional and spiritual pain and maladies.  Only when my soul is freed from the physical confinements of my body and mind via death of said body and mind at God's discretion, will I be totally free of the pain and suffering of this world.

In the meantime, I plan to continue to work the 12 Steps of the program because I have found this to be the only path to experiencing little pieces of peace and freedom for which my soul so greatly longs.  There are countless paths out there but for many alcoholics like me, the 12 Step path is the only one that works (if we work it!)

Today I am working it by:

• getting on my knees and praying the 3rd and 7th Step prayers and the Serenity Prayer
• sharing the message through this blog post
• sharing the message at my homegroup meeting tonight
• serving as my group's treasurer tonight
• meditating to improve my conscious contact with God as I understand Him
• being as honest, open minded, and willing as I can be
• talking with my sponsor and with women I sponsor
• and staying sober for one more day