Breaking the Chains

It is difficult for me to maintain my peace of mind when I am in the presence of negative people.  How do I stay sane in the midst of chaos?  "Detach with love" is a phrase I learned in meetings.  I think it means that my emotional state is not dependent on the emotions and behaviors of others.  Easier said than done!  I can't seem to do this unless I physically remove my person from these people.  I guess you could call it my "out of sight, out of mind" plan.

This has been working for a while, but lately I have noticed the more I rely on this plan, the more isolated I become.  Let's face it, negative, crabby, unhealthy, whiny, demanding, unhappy people are EVERYWHERE!  So, at a low spot in my weekend, I grabbed a notebook and a pen and wrote out a thorough 4th Step.  Without fail, working this step revealed where I had been selfish, dishonest, self seeking, and frightened.  Here's the crux of it all:

I offer solutions to people who complain when they don't necessarily ask for any. 

I was taught look at my motives for doing what I do.  My motive for giving others suggestions as they complain about people and situations in their life is to make them stop complaining.  I want negative people to be positive so that my emotional balance isn't upset.  My motive for being over-involved in my kids' fights, whining, self-care activities, and leisure activities is to rid myself of the guilt I feel when they are mad, bored, or don't get their way and the pain I feel when they are unhappy.  My motive, pure and simple, is to try and change THEM so that I don't feel uncomfortable. 

(Sorry, folks, you can say you do things out of the goodness of your heart and for completely selfless reasons but the fact is, for every action I take there lies in part a selfish motive.  It's just human nature.) 

Ok, back to the basics, Marie.  You know, like:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I know in my head that I can't change other people, but darn it, if my heart would only stop forgetting this fact.  Each time I offer solutions to those who don't ask for it, I am trying to change them.  In doing this, I also invest myself emotionally in their "stuff" and thus, attach with selfish motives rather than detach with love. 

When I attach with selfish motives this means my serenity is dependent on their actions and attitudes.  So, of course, I try to control those actions and attitudes so that I feel happy.  And of course, I can't control these things so I end up feeling insane!

Detaching with love means I can listen to them and love them right where there are without trying to change their attitudes or behaviors into something that will make me happy.  After all, I am not their Higher Power.  What do I know about what they need to do?  I don't even know what I need to do for me half of the time!

At this point, Steps 1, 2 and 3 came into play for me this weekend as well.  Specifically:

Step 1:  After admitting my powerlessness over others and my inability to manage their lives or my own,
Step 2:  I was humbled by my lack of power and became open minded enough to see that I don't know what is best for everyone, thus God restored my sanity as
Step 3:  I turned it all over to Him.

In other words, I was able to experience some of God's peace because I was no longer taking on the responsibility of fixing others, which I can't do anyway, which is why I go insane!  What a vicious cycle!

I am so grateful for my Higher Power and for the ability to find solutions to the problems I create in my life today by working the 12 Steps.

It really does work!  I hope it does for you, too.